Andyman73

Master Chief Petty Officer
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Andyman73 last won the day on January 5

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About Andyman73

  • Rank
    E-9 Master Chief Petty Officer
  • Birthday 10/10/1973

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    peronet73@yahoo.com

Profile Information

  • Location
    Lost in space
  • Interests
    Struggling MST survivor.

Previous Fields

  • Service Connected Disability
    80
  • Branch of Service
    USMC

Recent Profile Visitors

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  1. Haven't been here much lately. All the bs with my MST memories being totally recalled have got me strung out.  It's all I can do to just live.  On the plus side, my therapist was very understanding, and said that this would explain all the issues we had been working with over the past 2 years.

    I joined an online survivors website...they have been an absolute dream!  At least somebody knows my pain, and feels it too.  I hate this so dog gone much!!!!!!!

  2. I checked myhealthyVet yesterday afternoon, and so far only thing on it is the phone call notes from when I called the PTSD intake specialist. Normally my therapy notes takes a few weeks to get on there. So that's where that is. I joined an online survivor's group, "pandy's.org"(Pandora's Aquarium). And that has been a YUUUUUUUUUUGE!!!! huge help. I am literally blown away by the kindness and compassion amongst the survivors there.
  3. I do realize that. I also realize that they made choices based on their own opinions, not based on those very same laws you spoke of. Congress did not follow the 38 CFR to deny my claims. The VA's employees, choosing not to follow the laws set forth by Congress, did, in fact, choose not to follow those laws.The Laws may need to be changed because they are incredibly discriminatory, but more so, the VA employees need to actually follow the laws as they are already written. Just that alone would have prevented 90% of all denials.
  4. Vync, I tell you the truth...not one. Most of the kids I was friends with in h.s. were Army brats too. So...we all were nomadic as it were. On top of that, you may recall that I fell down a flight of stairs during the first week of boot camp. So...I was dealing with the issues from that for a short 2 years by the time of my first MST.
  5. Tbird, Thanks. I know I'm not the only one...and I know I'm not "alone".....................................I know it's not my fault...the first time I was so overwhelmed with the thought of what was happening...my mind just shut off...it's like I was watching a video of me through my eyes, you know, there, but not really there. The second time I was under his "power", blackmail and such...but that time was about 2 -3 hours away from base, out in the boondocks. And he kept making odd references to how he knew those woods like the back of his hands. He knew about all the little spots that never see the light of day. I was truly afraid for my life. I have never before, or since, been that scared for my own life. And yet, those things aren't the biggest issue. I can't comprehend that the past 22 years of my life were all a lie. All the mental struggles that I thought were due to the long term effects of my physical injuries...were most likely due to the MST. Vync, That's just it. I went in a few months after high school. My Dad just retired from his 24 year Army career, and we moved back home, from CA to PA. My relatives barely knew me, since we mostly only saw them during PCS moves. I wasn't there long enough to create friendships...or connections with anyone. So there really is nobody to say I went from this type of personality to that. OH, hey, congrats on the baby boy!!!
  6. You may end up having to file for EED, earlier effective date, after your claim has played out, if and when you are granted the SCD you are applying for.
  7. Buck, It's okay. Until last week I didn't know it either. But after the suppressed memories went full hot in my head....well, imagine a flashback to one of your 'Nam combat experiences, from start to finish, imagine it hitting you all at once, sights smells, sounds, you know what I mean? Just blows up in your mind. While talking with my therapist he made it very clear to me that I understand a few things, 1) I am not to blame, 2) I'm not the only one, 3) that some of the issues we've worked on over the past 2 years certainly would have come from that. I can't get lay statements because no one knows, and the few that knew me then didn't notice anything different about me. I already checked, and the chaplains don't keep records of talking to anyone for a one time only visit. As far as blame being laid on my past, when I had that terrible MH C&P exam, that guy tried so hard to pin that stuff on my past, but I kept him to my service years. In his report he made no negative mention about my child hood. I will not have hope, here, for this. If I do, I know I will be setting myself up for failure. I will keep going to therapy. I will keep on living my life like I'm okay on the outside. Been working so far. Inside...a madly spinning tornado. For the time being, I can't tell anyone, that I know, that knows my family. I don't know if i will ever be able to tell them. I can barely tell myself. Thank you for your encouragement, Buck, thank you.
  8. The above post was written a few days ago, but somehow never was posted. Went to therapy yesterday. Boy that was something else. Doc wasn't surprised at all, by what I had to tell him. He had read the notes from my 2 hour phone call with the social worker, who is a trained PTSD intake counselor. Doc said my experience certainly explains a lot of the issues we had been working through, over the past 2 years. Also said suppressed memories usually come out one of 2 ways, either a trigger, like seeing the attacker again...or when your subconcious mind feels that you are in a place now that your concious mind can now begin to process the experiences and start to deal with it. He said that we look for markers when there aren't reports filed. Even when the memories are suppressed, there are always markers. He asked me if that was when I really increased my alcohol intake. I said yes, both incidents took place 3-6 months before I had my alcohol related incident that got me an Article 15. Now I have to see about filing a MST/PTSD claim for this.
  9. On Monday I have my regularly scheduled therapy. I will be saying out loud, for the first time in 22 years, what actually happened to me. I have no idea what will happen then. I was hoping somebody might have some kind of encouraging word. This has been eating me up inside, since Monday. I've been losing so much sleep since then, I feel like I'm running on fumes. I've never been a victim before, and I just don't know I cant put that cat back in the bag, and toss it back into the "skeleton" closet. 22 years locked away...now it feels like it happened yesterday. Is this how you Combat Vets feel about your combat experience? I have no confidants to tell, no one I can ask to go along with me on Monday. I only know of one male MST survivor, and he don't know I know. And he lives in Vegas, so I sure can't ask him. Here I thought I was alone in my problems before....holy crap was I so wrong on that! I just went through the mandatory training through work, as a Fed Gov't civilian, so the stats are fresh in my mind. That's what removed the memory block. Shoot!!!
  10. flipper331, I just had a suppressed memory come exploding back to the forefront of my mind, Monday a week ago. It has rocked me like a hurricane and left me staggering at the brink of a mental breakdown. After talking with my VA MH therapist, yesterday, at a previously scheduled regular session, I feel a lot more mentally stable. He said it is more common that you would believe, how many Vets report MST years later...due to some of the reasons you mentioned. For me, it was before DADT, and I was much more afraid of being seen as gay(which I am not), possibly getting physically assaulted from other Marines, and getting drummed out of the Corps on top of that. Andyman
  11. L, Thank you for your support. Yeah, I know the LCSW told me that she handles intake. I do have a regular therapy session coming this Monday that was already scheduled. She knows my therapist, spoke very highly of him, said I was already in good hands. Also told me about another therapist/dr who more so specializes in MST. It seems so strange to me, to be at the very beginning of this process for events that took place 22-23 years ago. As for my assailant, several months after my second SA by him, he pulled up chocks and disappeared. Left his job, house emptied and for sale, phones canceled as well. His work said he stopped coming in, no word. His manager/supervisor said they had heard some rumors that he was under investigation for doing to others what he did to me.
  12. L, Thanks. I've already been in therapy for nearly 2 years, so this will be something different for sure. I spoke with a LCSW with the PTSD intake unit, for 2 hours today. She didn't ask me about my event, And didn't pressure me about anything. She was very nice, and has personal trauma experience, herself, so she did understand a lot of the things I'm dealing with. And having been in her job 15 years now, said much of what I told her is common among male MST victims. There were a few things I expressed that she had rarely come across in her 20 plus years in this job field. So..we'll see. As for writing and such....don't know if I can do that. Can't risk it being known to anyone in my life. Nobody knows me from when it happened.(parents excluded). That will be a giant mountain I will have to climb.
  13. sphynix06, Welcome to hadit. I am so sorry for your pain. I can only imagine what you went through. I just had repressed memories explode in my head this past weekend. DADT was new or not even, so I was more afraid of getting kicked out than I was of anyone finding out what happened. So I spent the last 22 years living a life based on a lie that I told myself so many times that it became my truth. No one knows what happened. I've only just reached out for help, for MST, this week. I have mentioned it here, on my own thread(what constitutes MST?) and I sent a secure message to my VA MH provider. I do have an appointment with them this Monday coming, but might not make it. So I called the BH unit at my VAMC, this morning, and left a call back message/voicemail with the MST social worker. No return call yet, but I will call again in a few minutes... Andyman
  14. NoTheEnemy, Sir, I am currently NOT SC for any pyschological condition of any kind. So this would be a new claim for me. I reviewed that info as well. Vync had posted it and I followed up on it. I have several of the markers, have had for many years. Now I am "enjoying" a few more effects as well. There is no official record of my two events. This was before "DADT" and I was more afraid of being drummed out for being seen as gay, than I was afraid of the humiliation if the truth was actually known. As for sympathy, thank you. For pain....I spent 22 years living a lie chasing a false truth. I denied this to myself, told myself that I was not homosexual, and spent all those years since, trying to prove it to myself. This exploded in my face the other day. All those feelings one goes through after being victimized, are now mine to own, on top of everything I've done and told myself to deny it. I may have done more to damage and destroy myself to hide this, than the person did in doing this to me to begin with. I spent over half my life living this lie, everything I am today is because of this lie. Worse yet, I chose my spouse based on her ability to hurt me, to punish me everyday for my lie. I have fought suicidal thoughts based on this lie, not the events, but the lie I created to block out them out. I now know and understand what people go through, when painful memories, that are blocked out, explode into their minds and everything comes flooding back. Holy Crap was that a huge bomb, a "Daisy Cutter" if you will, in my mind. I may never recover from this.
  15. On Monday I have my regularly scheduled therapy. I will be saying out loud, for the first time in 22 years, what actually happened to me. I have no idea what will happen then. I was hoping somebody might have some kind of encouraging word. This has been eating me up inside, since Monday. I've been losing so much sleep since then, I feel like I'm running on fumes. I've never been a victim before, and I just don't know I cant put that cat back in the bag, and toss it back into the "skeleton" closet. 22 years locked away...now it feels like it happened yesterday. Is this how you Combat Vets feel about your combat experience? I have no confidants to tell, no one I can ask to go along with me on Monday. I only know of one male MST survivor, and he don't know I know. And he lives in Vegas, so I sure can't ask him. Here I thought I was alone in my problems before....holy crap was I so wrong on that! I just went through the mandatory training through work, as a Fed Gov't civilian, so the stats are fresh in my mind. That's what removed the memory block. Shoot!!!