Mailed off my PTSD secondary to MST on Monday.
I don't know where to go from here. My life is falling apart around me. My marriage is on the rocks, my work is suffering. I've been in therapy at my VAMC for 2 years now. I don't know if I will survive. I got a letter that the VA wants to reduce my back...I can't deal with that, and this...and I'm at my breaking point.
On January 23rd my life changed forever. I had sexual assault reporting and prevention training at work a few days earlier, which triggered my memories. They had been blocked. I had always thought what happened was consensual gay sexual activity...at least that's what that predator had told me he would say if I talked. And that he would kill me and hide my body in the woods.
I have been having memories drown me ever since that time....I have 37!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! years of sexual, child sexual assault, physical assault, domestic violence abuse.....how the crap am I even still alive???????
I know I can't talk about anything that didn't happen during my service years. So that limits me to 4 sexual assaults, 2 by females and 2 by same male predator. The last was a drunk female Sailor while I was on deployment. She tackled me then began assaulting me. She was drunk off her butt, and I was automatically the perpatrator...sober male Marine, versus a drunk female Sailor...who do you think is guilty???
I can't comprehend...37 years of garbage history in the last 10 weeks....I am utterly worthless