tdiu Violent to peaceful

[82airborne]

Hello everyone I'm back. How's it going. Good I hope far as my mind set it has changed. After years of counseling and anti psychotics I have realized violence isn't the answer to my problems. I can't lie these past years I have been pretty much in isolation I only leave home to go to the store or fishing. I still have violent thoughts but I don't feed into my thoughts. I'm still having nightmares man if y'all only knew how many CPAP machines I have destroyed in my sleep the number of times my girl have been hit by my in my sleep. I'm still one dizzy camper I guess from tinnitus. Hey after waking up do any of y'all have hallucinations I see a black spider  crawling around are a bunch of binary codes all over my room I can't lie all I love about life is fishing I have moved since last July away from friends and family I finally moved I wish I could have moved on the lake like a couple my old buddies on here but I live close to a bunch of lakes and I guess that's good enough. I still have major anxiety around to many people so pretty much all is the same only thing that has changed is my reaction time at first I use to attack first then think now I think before I attack which I don't attack no more I don't fight I don't even look people in the face and I try to tell everyone hello my violent days is over I won't squeeze my years of absence all in this one post but I have more to tell y'all I left I need some buddies who can relate with me ANG guess what I miss y'all kind words so here I am I do have some stressful stuff going on the va sent my tdiu or total disability to my old address so last month out of the blue they tell me that I'm getting paid for 90% and not at 100% total disability well of course I freaked out got dizzy and my thoughts was all over the place sooooo today is the first and guess what they cut my cash by 1200 dollars unexpectedly bills will go unpaid credit will start to deteriorate starting today I went to the office on the 17th of this month hoping that I could fill the right paperwork out that they sent to the wrong address hoping this stop them from cutting my cash noooooooope it didn't I am officially screwed as of today bouncing back from moving my family to the high desert away from the inner city drama into my new quiet place but yup normally I would have a violent reaction and have crazy violent thoughts and threats but nope I am calm I am mad but not violent I will try to solve this situation with niceness and calmness I have realized its no civilian FUALT that this has happened so this is where I'm at happy fourth y'all I'm back for now ???

[82airborne]

Hello world triple digit heat again and it appears my AC is blowing out nothing but heat so I'm off to the lake see if I can play with mr whiskers till the evening this high desert is a heat trap oooooh well couple minutes I'm off to paradise man I love fishing if I had to choose between fishing and family I think I might have to tell my family good bye YUUUUP I'm still in the preparation for decision which its past the expected completion date I can't lie I wrote a couple violent letters to the va and I don't even remember what I wrote all I know is it wasn't positive more like pages of me ranting I hope they note punishing me for my anger spells it seems like they would take into consideration how many anti psychotics sleeping pills mood stabilizers nightmare pills I take into there judgement some times I just want to get off all these pills and just be me but I'm sure I probably will go mad ooooooh well thanx for y'all good luck wishes for me to catch my limit in fish bye for now my good people ???

[82airborne]

Well nothing has changed for as my tdiu I have calmed down dramatically I was one mad camper a month or so ago I had to do some soul searching I think committing myself that day saved my life note for all LIQOUR and anti psychotics do not mix well your mind will go to a very dark place when you are all alone well let's fast forward they put me back on prazosin and depekote for mood stabilization and nightmares well my violent side has been suppressed but my nightmares have reached an all time high a mix of just down right weird dreams then on the OTHERSIDE death and violence have returned in my dreams I swear before they messed with my benefits my bad dreams was coming to a end also I have been having hallucinations when I wake up my little spider friend going crazy on the ceiling but my real lesson from my situation violence is not the answer hurting innocent people is wrong just because things are not going my way low key I'm just happy to be alive and not in jail if y'all only knew how many people that I tried to hurt that upsetted me I was lucky that every attempt that I made was some how stopped by the forces that be either I couldn't find my target or I got arrested before I can even get to my location isolation is not an option for me many won't understand what I'm saying but some how some where humankind has made me come to the conclusion that we can never exist together on an every day basis I have no desire to interact with people I just want to be left alone the beginning of this month I started getting mad all over again without drinking LIQOUR that day I heated up my lighter and proceeded to burn my arm watching my arm shake from being burned until the lighter kooled off I can't lie it calmed me down till today so all I can say is my mind is playing tricks on me because of this situation also my appetite is gone I swear I'm tired of being hungry feeling my stomach growl knowing the food in my fridge is limited and not to many options to pick from many time I just choose not to eat haaaaaaaaa no fishing to ease my mind my car sits on empty no gas no money but it's my own problems I'm just here to vent ooooh well back to sleep it's almost guaranteed that my dream I dream will be extremely stupid emotional are deadly for me I'm just hoping my situation is fixed pretty soon or they let me know if they gonna reinstate my tdiu ooooh well one meal a day keeps diabetes away yes one less pill I have to take I have lost thirty pounds since my situation till later my good buddies

Edited August 30, 2016 by 82airborne

[82airborne]

Wow another month of deduction of benefits I'm way past my completion to my claim date I am slowly sinking years of credit fixing years of sacrificing paying all my debts off is now for nothing I am back in default past due notices is my new reality me and my family is barely eating I got my daughter through high school now she is on her way to college in another city at this moment I can't help her with food and needed essentials to start college she is still 17 and nobody won't hire her because she is under aged this entire situation got me sick dizzy NASEOUS and more and I can do nothing about the va my only option will cause me death or life in prison and I truly don't want none of those options it seems the more peaceful I try to be the more bull seems to float my way all this could have been avoided if they sent my mail to the right address my girlfriend says I been going into convulsions in my sleep then I start swinging and kicking like a madman all I truly want in life is peace I wanted to go to school to try to reform but last time I went to Westwood college this guy was staring at me and then was like what's up I went over there to him and saw if he wanted to fight immediately he didn't then after that my mind started to mess with me I ended up in camouflage gloves and boots waiting in the bushes at my school waiting to ambush my target somebody must have tipped him off because he didn't come back after waiting for a week I snapped out of my attack mode and was like why why why did I go through that for this mind set is why I can't rejoin society EVERYTIME I feel threatened I go into another zone dressing in camouflage mask and gloves searching for my target with only one thing in mind I don't want to go to jail or hurt anyone so I stay inside my house away from society man oh man this all seems like it's going to end bad

[82airborne]

Right now I'm just venting isolated where I live avoiding all conflict with the public I know eventually someone will try to mess with me and I will eventually snap from all the pressure and madness I'm going through and it's going to end bad once I'm activated and let anger takes over all I see is blood all I am is a ticking time bomb waiting for someone to punch in the unlock code to my madness and it will all be a legal beat down I will yell out no no I don't want to fight so everyone can hear me then if whomever keep messing with me I will proceed to break they face bones punch for punch and then wait for the police to come all I will say is I told the person to leave me alone I had to defend myself knowing deep inside I have been craving pure violence for quite sometime people don't understand the magnitude of my hidden anger that I keep suppressed I believe if I do everything to avoid violence and someone messes with me and won't leave me alone he deserves every bit of anger I have to give them and if I lose it all due to madness death will certainly knock at my door I will not live with nobody I won't be sleeping on the streets none of that if I lose what I have now my life will be over no questions asked and really I'm getting to the point where I'm starting to believe this life I'm living is not real from hearing seeing and feeling things that don't exist this can all be a dream I can be somewhere in a coma dreaming all of this oh well I guess I will go back to sleep just to dream some emotional violent crazy dream of pure madness ???

[82airborne]

Hello I'm back it's something about the beginning of the month that seems to send me into anger I'm learning LIQOUR and anti psychotics do not mix I keep having burst of anger and burst of depression where I cry like a baby but in tears of anger and guilt from intrusive thoughts of revenge that I can't help it's like my mind crave pure violence but my heart don't want violence I keep flipping in and out of anger spells it all started when they cut my cash unexpectedly no compassion no worries my mind try to convince me thAt they are playing games with me which deep inside I still think they playing with my emotions I'm just lost in nightmares violent thoughts and stress I should know not to drink liquor because it sends me to a dark place I can't lie I crave death more than life if I could only get my mind right but that's it for know and guess what I'm wasted IMMA cook these hot dogs and go to sleep before I get extra angry I do thank y'all for having me and nobody getting on this post talking madness about some of the things I say but for those who read this if your loved one tells you they is dealing with mental issues you should believe them and don't pressure them to they boiling point I know this world have forgotten about God but if it wasn't for the powers that be I would either be dead or in jail but those who do pray please pray for my peace of mind I need every bit of help I cAn get all I see is death in my future ???

[Buck52]

I understand and I sympathize with you,

I can't say what to do to feel better, only what I been doing when I get to feel this way...1st I remove all the booze I can get my hands on...fill an Ice chest up with ice /sodas water/grab my fishing pool and go find me a shady fishing area  on a River  Creek or Lake Bank and just get comfortable  forget about things   listen to some music to relax my mind  and wait till I get that first bite..this excites me and it helps kinda like a therapy and I start to feel better....I tend to stay away from family and friends  I got to do this by myself but my therapist says I'm wrong  I said well you don't trully understand how I am feeling then.. or I just go take long walks in a nice safe park.  Anything that will take your mind off things or any negative thinking..if you have a hobby like playing guitar or any type musical instrument or taking pictures , working on cars/pick-ups,carpenter work, painting  any type of skill your good at   work on it   see if that will help.?

What works for some of us may not work for others  but try to just stop having this feeling and think about other things, my Therapist don't seem to be helping me  but I go to his sessions hoping someday it will help me.

Hang in there Buddy

 

I will send you prayers, there's a lot of us that have this feeling.

................Buck

Hang in there.

.................Buck