AO good news

[Andyman73]

Got some good news to share.  Some of you may know, or recall, that I had written elsewhere on here, that my Dad(Nam combat, 24 yr career retired, 60% SCD) and I don't exactly communicate very well.  The grapevine tells me that it's my own lack of communication skills are the problem.  Anyway, while updating my folks after yesterday's 6 month foster child case review court session, Dad went off topic to let me know that the VA has opened an AO claim for/on him.  Said they initiated it(???)and that he has a bunch of appointments scheduled over the next few months.  I was quite surprised that he wanted to tell me about that...since I'm usually the last to know, and my wife is usually the one telling me.

So...is there anything I should tell him to tell them?  I don't know too much about his overall health, beyond his Nam related back injury.  Thanks.

Andy

[Andyman73]

Buck, 

Not sure, but this idea just came to me, perhaps it has more to do with other things. For example education, him with 8 + years of college, me with a few college credits. Career, him 24 years including combat in Vietnam, me-6 years of mostly peace time service.  And perhaps that I am not one of his peers, so I can't possibly understand. 

I do know that he belongs to a men's group at his church, and is pretty active in that. Maybe that is where he talks about stuff.  I can't even begin to understand what his life was like. Going from haves to have not at age 6, but still visiting some family that still "had". 

Maybe it's family history thing, as I am 5th generation Vet in his bloodline. Perhaps the long term effects of Military service and combat have come home to roost.

it may be that he doesn't want my help , so I won't know the depths of his pain and or suffering, so it won't add to my own burden.

[Buck52]

I understand Andyman

Just always be there for your Dad and in the mean time don't focus on him and his past or his education and military experience.

Your better off to focus on you and your family and take care of you and whats going on in your life, how you handle Adversity is what your Dad will see  and hopefully he will come around and be the father to you he was intended to be.

Just hang in there and keep fighting the VA for all your earned benefits  war time or not  your a true US Marine and now your a Veteran and you earned the right to be a US Marine Veteran & that's something to be very proud of my friend.

[Berta]

Buck, you are so right about trying to help someone who does not want help---for whatever their reason is.

One of my best friends since 1988 had a classic case of PTSD. And also had 2 PHs (Vietnam)and although I got him a SC award, long ago , he would NOT file for PTSD. I was voted into the PTSD combat group when I worked as a vet center volunteer in the early 1980s so I sure knew what I was talking about.

Finally a few years ago a Vet rep with PTSD from Vietnam talked him into filing the claim and of course he won the claim......and then he felt bad that he had not listened to me......

I just felt frustrated and wasted my  time trying to convince him but of course he lost the best EED he could have gotten.

we can only do so much....

 

[Andyman73]

Berta and Buck,

I think maybe it's that he doesn't want help from me, not that he doesn't want any help. 

As for the career and education, that maybe be reasons why he may want to talk to other people.

And since I'm one of his 3 sons, as opposed to a trusted confidant, I have to tread lightly. Can't risk upsetting the family dynamic. My folks adopted 2 of their grandkids and I know he and Mom's focus is on them. That has certainly had a huge effect on the whole family.

I'll give it a few weeks and then test the waters again.

[Andyman73]

Ok, this whole thing took a 90 degree turn! 

I wanted to try something different so I texted him, but he didn't reply, and several days went by. I figured maybe they were on one of their camping trips, where they were just out of signal range. 

On Friday, my son's elementary school had a Veteran's appreciation program. I had invited my dad to that, but didn't remember if he was coming. 

So I met up with him, and first thing he said was "sorry for not texting you back". Whoa, what's going on? He then says he wanted to talk face to face, and knew he would see me there.

Okay, now here is where to 90 degree turn comes in. I asked him how things were, and he said not super. Said they been messing with his meds because they aren't working. 

I said "oh?"  He said they couldn't figure out the right meds for diabetes.  !!!!!!!!!? And a giant lightbulb went off in my head. I just discovered the reason why our communication had been strained. He was quite preoccupied with that. But got the right meds this past week, tho.

We couldn't talk too much due to the program, and lots of people around. So later I texted him, and we chatted a while. 

I asked him about the AO presumptive list, and he knew about it and the diabetes is one of them.  I said that's why they are running you through the battery of tests. 

Then I asked about his other claims and issues. Not too close, just generally speaking. He responded that he is open to looking into them, just give him a little space to process those things. I asked him if I could pass on things I find out, that he could chose to take or leave, and he said okay to that.

[Andyman73]

Oh, he made a comment about how the VA was a lot different then, than now. I said not really, and reminded him that I filed my first claim only 5 years after him. And I said now you have a powerful helper in your corner now. I told him what little I knew about the Nehmer ruling. 

He had never heard of it. I said that is why the VA is jumping through the flaming hoops to find out what ever they can, so they don't run afoul of Nehmer. 

So, if any of you with good knowledge of Nehmer and stuff, have any advice to good words that I can pass along to him, please share.

I'm so glad that I now know why we hadn't talked well over time. That and that my Grandparents are nearing 90 years old, and their health has taken a decidedly downward turn. Dad is trying his best to be the best son-in-law he can, and to support my Mom however she needs as she comes to terms with this. Dad's mom passed 16 years ago, and his Dad passed 43 years ago. 

So that weighs on him as well. But at least he and I are making some inroads towards a better relationship.