ptsd Talk About Ptsd

[Wings]

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I don't want to talk about the "stressors" necessarily, you can if you want, but I would like to know if anyone here wants to talk about living with PTSD?

OK, I need to talk. I drank alcohol socially when I joined the military. I think I managed alcohol pretty well: drank beer with friends, at home, not drink alone, laughed, stayed up late talking, generally had a good time. Childhood had some rough patches that the VA has graciously not focused upon, so I'm NOT going to open up about my family of origin. I love and honor my parents, and they are not part of my VA Claims, ever.

After I was sexually assaulted, I drank more. I went through periods of seeking out dangerous behaviors, maybe I thought if I had lived through that trauma, it meant I was bullett proof. I'm not sure, but looking back, I did seek out danger. I went through a period after the assault, where I was promiscuous. I mean, looking back, I really wanted to figure this out, did I attract rapists, was I asking for it (blame the victim you know), was I a sex object to be used by men; did men hate me, did they all want to hurt me? Crazy thinking. Don't know if you can relate.

My in-service alcohool increased; especially when there was a decision to let the perps go unpunished. I felt terribly abandoned, and bad about myself. Like I wasn't worth anything --to anybody. So, when I called into my duty station one fateful morning, and told them I was too hungover to drive, my 1st Lt decided to play the power trip on me, and write me up as AWOL. By this time, I'd had enough --and I requested to be discharged instead of face a court martial. He could have just sent me to Rehab., or gave me an Article 15, but noooooo, he wanted to do something he'd never done before, little twirp that he was.

I think I did a pretty good job overall, I mean I kept my military bearing for 6 years and did some very good work for the USAF. Got promoted to Sergeant, a couple of ribbons, you know. But for godsake, there was a lot of sexual harassment from day one. Lurking, instigating, insinuating, married doctors proposing sex, making excuses to be on the same detail, cat calls, whisteles, staring, jokes. Crap. I had had enough.

Sooooo now, I am trying to correct an injustice through the filing "Claims". I won my SC for PTSD in 11 months. I beat the AFDRB, and now I am up against a wall with the BVA. I don't know if I can beat these guys, they are tough.

I applied for VA Benefits within a month of discharge. Since the AF discharged me OTH, I wasn't eligible for State unemployment. I went to the County VSO and told them I had a drinking problem and was severly depressed (discharge exam says so). VSO contacted the VA (State Forms say they contacted the VA), they told me they filed a claim, and that the VA would have to decide if I was eligible for benefits.

VA did a Character of Discarge on me, but never sent me a Notice of their decision. I figured they determined I was Dishonorable for the next 10 years. I had NO IDEA I had an honorable period of service --until HADIT CONFIRMED MY VETERANS STATUS, more than 10 years ago.

5 years ago, I filed a claim for EED for PTSD. I'm still working on it. They tell me I never filed a CLAIM except for a Loan Guaranty. Not true! But, there is NO EVIDENCE in my C-file of an earlier "claim" I thought the State Forms would be recognozed as evidence, but they have ignored them completely.

The only thing they have conceded (agreed to) is that the Character of Discharge was Non-final. They never sent me a notice that I could Appeal. I know that if I had been allowed to appeal, it would have perfected my claim for PTSD or at least the psychiatric injury that I was treated for in-servive, and was noted on my discharge exam. But the BVA says that the Character of Discharge was not a "claim". The BVA says they made a mistake, but it was HARMLESS.

The Attoreny over the weekend I contacted was a good guy, one of the best; he told me I had about a 20% chance of winning. So, I guess I am just going to persist, but I don't know the tone I should take with them. Should I just use PLAIN LANGUAGE and forget about the Law?

Anyway, it's been 10 years of dealing with the VA through my claims or other vets claims, I've missed a lot of special moments with my kids --and they don't want me to get in "trouble" with the VA. They just want me to be OK.

I just can't seem to let this go; how they all made me feel like my time in service meant nothing to them. I was a good Sergeant. But, here's where I do not want to whine. I just want to be able to tell them, they made a mistake --now say your sorry and pay me for the fraud they perpetrated against me. But I can't prove it.

Sooooo, I have been sober for ummmm, almost 20 years. But reliving my story with the VA sets me back emotionally. I have been so angry and frustrated, that I have forgotten all about my sobriety, and how GOOD that felt to do that for myself. I am still sober, but have been feeling completely INSANE dealing with the VA.

I have some deep scars (PTSD), that make me forget who I am (good person, god's daughter), and I just need a little support.

Love, ~Wings

Edited May 20, 2009 by Wings

[Wings]

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Thanks Fambly!! I didn't sleep but 4 hours last night, and dreamed of being a whole person again. I woke up with this feeling, that the very air I breathed was holy, that I was part of some divine plan ... I know that I am not the "boss" of my life; that my higher power has plans for me, and that I only have to accept that whatever comes next is part of his plan, not mine. I hope to add to the good in the world. As long as I stay sober today, I'm part of the solution --and not part of the problem.

But being sober didn't take away my PTSD! On the contrary, all the pain was there 10 fold! Gosh, I had to learn everything all over again, anew; even tying my sneakers was painful. But I kept at it, and then one day I was living a sober life ... I still made some poor decisions in sobriety, but every day things got more manageable --and SANE.

But then I found myself with MEMORIES. And got STUCK in them, And lost balance. While PTSD keeps us locked in the past, there's hardly a moment to be present emotionally for the one's in our life; and loving them now, requires that I attempt make some peace with the past, the haunting, the mental confusion, the mind $%#@ that is PTSD. To me, PTSD represents living locked in the mind, and not open to present moment. That's one of the ways I can describe it. All these years being so angry! foggy! self absorbed! It's not my fault, but I so totally want to live, now!

Today, my son and daughter like to blame all their failings on Mom: how she yelled, how she lost her patience, how she was needy --and got depressed, and how utterly unfair it was to have a Mom that wasn't happy like other Moms! Man Oh Man, I just tell them that everybody has "plans" for a good life, and everybody feels the dissapointment of reality. We all wanted happy marriages, healthy bodies, well adjusted children, satisfying careers. But life itsellf seemed to give us exactly what we needed to make us grow up! And s/he made us and our lives so totally imperfect as to draw nearer to him for strength, and courage. Sorry if my use of God is offensive, whatever your faith, I accept the name of your higher power.

I am afraid oof the VA, scared they'll find aother, new way to make my life as painful as possible. But then I tell myself, they ain't God, even if they like to think they are LOL!

I've got to fight for my VA benefits today, because it makes me stronger, and every once in awhile, I look back at myself here at Hadit and think, maybe I have helped, maybe I am growing into a person that I like to be with! And, being with many of you year in, and year out, I see that all of you have grown from doing what we do --helping eachother, and fighting this massive machine of a burocracy, and you know what, I think the VA is getting more modern, and I believe we had something to do with it. I really do. But the fight is on, to keep THEM human and compassionate and force them to look at the veteran as a person, and not a rule or regulation (who said that?) ... Hold them to their PROMISE, to restore us to wholeness whenever possible, to relieve suffering, and to impart the respect that we all deserve. It was not easy strapping on that Uniform every day, to be willing to fight so that another might live a better life. But that's what life is, and what it asks of us. They just can not take that fight from us. It's our legacy, and it's bittersweet; and if I can keep just one tiny bit, one iota, one speck of that inheritence in my pperson, then I will die a happy woman!!!

Sooooo, now I have less than 120 days to write the BVA a Motion for Reconsideration, and after that, maybe go to the Court. To do that, I have to go back inside that dark place, that hurt place, and do it without feeling sorry for myself. Just tell my story, that PTSD is a DISEASE, it's not our fault, and we need help.

See ya'll soon!!! Love, ~Wings

Edited May 20, 2009 by Wings

[Pete53]

Wings:

You have Hadit backing you up when you have to deal with the dark places.Remember its your choices now not other people.

By the way don't let those beautiful children get away with trying to lay guilt on you. They make choices also.

My oldest son gripes all the time that I am a much nicer PaPa than I was a Dad.Sobeit I did the best I could and he turned out ok

[MikeR]

Well PTSD has made me come to appreciate my Father more. He is Bi-Polar with twinges of PTSD, so I am a lot more tolerant of him now than when I was a kid. Some children never come around, but the more life experience I gain the less judgemental I am of my parents.

[Wings]

Wings:

You have Hadit backing you up when you have to deal with the dark places.Remember its your choices now not other people.

By the way don't let those beautiful children get away with trying to lay guilt on you. They make choices also.

My oldest son gripes all the time that I am a much nicer PaPa than I was a Dad.Sobeit I did the best I could and he turned out ok

My son's been conspiring with my daughter, to be angry with me, to blame me for his poor choices. He's hitting some rough patches in his relationship, and using me as his alibi. I told him to stop, but until he's ready to take responsibility for his emotional life, I need to minimize the amout of time the two of them spend togather --which only proves what a "controlling" mother I am. You are right Pete, thanks for putting things into perspective. I have been a good Mom, overall, been there 24x7 23 years, never have left them cold or hungry or lonely, or without love. Thank you. ~Wings

Edited May 19, 2009 by Wings

[carlie]

Sometimes kids - even adult kids are great at manipulation

and throwing out the guilt card.

After awhile (hopefully) we learn to take some responsibility

for our own actions.

Most times I am so filled with anger and I know that a big portion

of this is part of my PTSD - but how I act out with my anger

is my responsibility.

Exercise your control as you see necessary - but do keep in mind

it is the job of siblings to "conspire" - :)

carlie

[Wings]

Sometimes kids - even adult kids are great at manipulation

and throwing out the guilt card.

After awhile (hopefully) we learn to take some responsibility

for our own actions.

Most times I am so filled with anger and I know that a big portion

of this is part of my PTSD - but how I act out with my anger

is my responsibility.

Exercise your control as you see necessary - but do keep in mind

it is the job of siblings to "conspire" - :)

carlie

If only I had some control! If my (almost) 14 y/o daughter wants to "run away" to "live with her brother and his fiancee", what am I supposed to do ??? She's already pulled one stunt on me along those lines . . . I think, I'd give her a couple of days (being that it's almost summer), and then if she still wouldn't come home, I'd call the police?

She's on a school class trip (vacation); when she comes back next week, she has a HUGE 8th grade graduation project to complete in no less than 4 days. Meanwhile, she has committed herself to helping her future sister in law, 3 nights in a row, fashion show! If I let her go to the show, she won't get her graduation project done; and if I don't let her go to the show, everyone will be really angry with me! What would you guys do, please help!! ~Wings

Edited May 20, 2009 by Wings