ptsd Talk About Ptsd

[Wings]

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I don't want to talk about the "stressors" necessarily, you can if you want, but I would like to know if anyone here wants to talk about living with PTSD?

OK, I need to talk. I drank alcohol socially when I joined the military. I think I managed alcohol pretty well: drank beer with friends, at home, not drink alone, laughed, stayed up late talking, generally had a good time. Childhood had some rough patches that the VA has graciously not focused upon, so I'm NOT going to open up about my family of origin. I love and honor my parents, and they are not part of my VA Claims, ever.

After I was sexually assaulted, I drank more. I went through periods of seeking out dangerous behaviors, maybe I thought if I had lived through that trauma, it meant I was bullett proof. I'm not sure, but looking back, I did seek out danger. I went through a period after the assault, where I was promiscuous. I mean, looking back, I really wanted to figure this out, did I attract rapists, was I asking for it (blame the victim you know), was I a sex object to be used by men; did men hate me, did they all want to hurt me? Crazy thinking. Don't know if you can relate.

My in-service alcohool increased; especially when there was a decision to let the perps go unpunished. I felt terribly abandoned, and bad about myself. Like I wasn't worth anything --to anybody. So, when I called into my duty station one fateful morning, and told them I was too hungover to drive, my 1st Lt decided to play the power trip on me, and write me up as AWOL. By this time, I'd had enough --and I requested to be discharged instead of face a court martial. He could have just sent me to Rehab., or gave me an Article 15, but noooooo, he wanted to do something he'd never done before, little twirp that he was.

I think I did a pretty good job overall, I mean I kept my military bearing for 6 years and did some very good work for the USAF. Got promoted to Sergeant, a couple of ribbons, you know. But for godsake, there was a lot of sexual harassment from day one. Lurking, instigating, insinuating, married doctors proposing sex, making excuses to be on the same detail, cat calls, whisteles, staring, jokes. Crap. I had had enough.

Sooooo now, I am trying to correct an injustice through the filing "Claims". I won my SC for PTSD in 11 months. I beat the AFDRB, and now I am up against a wall with the BVA. I don't know if I can beat these guys, they are tough.

I applied for VA Benefits within a month of discharge. Since the AF discharged me OTH, I wasn't eligible for State unemployment. I went to the County VSO and told them I had a drinking problem and was severly depressed (discharge exam says so). VSO contacted the VA (State Forms say they contacted the VA), they told me they filed a claim, and that the VA would have to decide if I was eligible for benefits.

VA did a Character of Discarge on me, but never sent me a Notice of their decision. I figured they determined I was Dishonorable for the next 10 years. I had NO IDEA I had an honorable period of service --until HADIT CONFIRMED MY VETERANS STATUS, more than 10 years ago.

5 years ago, I filed a claim for EED for PTSD. I'm still working on it. They tell me I never filed a CLAIM except for a Loan Guaranty. Not true! But, there is NO EVIDENCE in my C-file of an earlier "claim" I thought the State Forms would be recognozed as evidence, but they have ignored them completely.

The only thing they have conceded (agreed to) is that the Character of Discharge was Non-final. They never sent me a notice that I could Appeal. I know that if I had been allowed to appeal, it would have perfected my claim for PTSD or at least the psychiatric injury that I was treated for in-servive, and was noted on my discharge exam. But the BVA says that the Character of Discharge was not a "claim". The BVA says they made a mistake, but it was HARMLESS.

The Attoreny over the weekend I contacted was a good guy, one of the best; he told me I had about a 20% chance of winning. So, I guess I am just going to persist, but I don't know the tone I should take with them. Should I just use PLAIN LANGUAGE and forget about the Law?

Anyway, it's been 10 years of dealing with the VA through my claims or other vets claims, I've missed a lot of special moments with my kids --and they don't want me to get in "trouble" with the VA. They just want me to be OK.

I just can't seem to let this go; how they all made me feel like my time in service meant nothing to them. I was a good Sergeant. But, here's where I do not want to whine. I just want to be able to tell them, they made a mistake --now say your sorry and pay me for the fraud they perpetrated against me. But I can't prove it.

Sooooo, I have been sober for ummmm, almost 20 years. But reliving my story with the VA sets me back emotionally. I have been so angry and frustrated, that I have forgotten all about my sobriety, and how GOOD that felt to do that for myself. I am still sober, but have been feeling completely INSANE dealing with the VA.

I have some deep scars (PTSD), that make me forget who I am (good person, god's daughter), and I just need a little support.

Love, ~Wings

Edited May 20, 2009 by Wings

[carlie]

Wings,

I'm a tough love person, I would tell my daughter -

honey, you do know right from wrong and when things don't work out

with you living at your brother's --

you are welcome to come back home with me

BUT - MY RULES - will still be here too.

14 is still pretty young.

jmho,

carlie

[Pete53]

Maybe the person that you should have a chat with is the future DIL and make sure she understands what will happen if your Daughter does not put school first.

I used to tell my kids all four of them that school comes first.

If your daughter does not finish her project its not the end of the world either.

[cowgirl]

Wings, let us help you. Where are you at in the process at this time? Stick to the "F'acts Ma'am!'

Now, as far as the first post here and the others, well, I'm tearful. I find it amazing how many military stories and experiences can mirror one another here. As you can see, you hit upon some tough memories and resolutions, as well as resolutions still in work.

As for my entire story, only the Good Lord and I really know how it goes. But I am thankful for the occasional counselor over the years that has helped me to actively work to replace the 'bad' with 'good'. Well, it's not that easy, we know, but at least I'm tryin to work on my stuff.

In my opinion, as parents with military ptsd, mst, depression and/or other haunting memories, guess its good to refocus and look for the good stuff to set aside or even call the other stupid stuff that happend in our past for what it was or is. Fact, it happened, it's part of us, we're workin on it and there's alot of good in our world to appreciate and we need to keep busy. Hope you can see I'm gonna print my response out for my 'Rainy Days' because there are days that really get to me and I've come 'home' to Hadit for help from those that understand. You and many others here 'get it', instead of the bartender or barber, you are my freind and veteran neighbor thats caring, willing to listen and share advice.

Thanks for being here on Hadit, congratulations on your personal successes and continuing recovery from what changed you. I too am in 'recovery' for mst, though not for alchohol or drugs. I don't think most families are exempt from being in recovery from something. Trying to think the right thoughts during the right situations is my recovery and avoiding the demons negative grips.

Maybe talk with your daughters freinds parents?

Yours,

Cowgirl *p.s. tried to PM you, but your mailbox doesn't accept.

Edited May 19, 2009 by cowgirl

[clw4514]

Wings,

my 10 yr daughter likes to pull the "i wanna call Nana" card when she is in trouble or doesnt get her way. When she does crap like that, I pull the "im ur mother" card. she doesnt get to call her Nana out of haste like that. we both have to calm down and talk thru things. once that is done, she can call her Nana. but she cannot ask her to come get her or anything along those lines. its not 100% but then again, what is in parenting! i agree with pete, maybe u should talk to the future DIL and let her know whats going on and how u r going to handle it. 14 is a tough age. as for her commitments, let her know that she made the commitments and its her place to prioritize them. education should come first but let her learn that lesson. its gonna be hard for u but well worth it in the end. best of luck to u on this....i'll be here in 4 yrs asking how to keep from strangling mine :)

[purple]

(((Wings)))

When my boys were little, and they would get mad with me for making "unpopular" decisions, they would pull the "I wanna go live with Dad" card. That hurt like hell; but I never gave in. I was the one raising them, I had the rules and they had to live by them, like it or not. It wasn't a popularity contest. I had to let them know that I was Mom first, friend second.

It got rough a few times, but it was worth it.

If it were me...school work comes first; everyone else (family-wise) should understand that as well. But ultimately that is between you and your daughter.

Hang in there kiddo...you're doing great!!

[Philip Rogers]

Hey wings, what are the statistics for PTSD & smoking, even "organic" tobbaco(sp)??? I found it interesting that only alcohol is mentioned. I am S/C for alcoholism/abuse, secondary to PTSD. I never grew up and said hey, let me be an alcoholic, but I am. I have weekly battles w/it and am doing better but not winning. We both know it will kill us and yet Ted Kennedy, from, I believe, your former state, is dying from a brain tumor, not cirrosis(sp). Cheers to you for your 20yrs but what about . . . jmo

As for your kids, I won't get into that, let alone California . . . jmo but I still luv ya!!

pr