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Talk About Ptsd

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Wings

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  • HadIt.com Elder

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I don't want to talk about the "stressors" necessarily, you can if you want, but I would like to know if anyone here wants to talk about living with PTSD?

OK, I need to talk. I drank alcohol socially when I joined the military. I think I managed alcohol pretty well: drank beer with friends, at home, not drink alone, laughed, stayed up late talking, generally had a good time. Childhood had some rough patches that the VA has graciously not focused upon, so I'm NOT going to open up about my family of origin. I love and honor my parents, and they are not part of my VA Claims, ever.

After I was sexually assaulted, I drank more. I went through periods of seeking out dangerous behaviors, maybe I thought if I had lived through that trauma, it meant I was bullett proof. I'm not sure, but looking back, I did seek out danger. I went through a period after the assault, where I was promiscuous. I mean, looking back, I really wanted to figure this out, did I attract rapists, was I asking for it (blame the victim you know), was I a sex object to be used by men; did men hate me, did they all want to hurt me? Crazy thinking. Don't know if you can relate.

My in-service alcohool increased; especially when there was a decision to let the perps go unpunished. I felt terribly abandoned, and bad about myself. Like I wasn't worth anything --to anybody. So, when I called into my duty station one fateful morning, and told them I was too hungover to drive, my 1st Lt decided to play the power trip on me, and write me up as AWOL. By this time, I'd had enough --and I requested to be discharged instead of face a court martial. He could have just sent me to Rehab., or gave me an Article 15, but noooooo, he wanted to do something he'd never done before, little twirp that he was.

I think I did a pretty good job overall, I mean I kept my military bearing for 6 years and did some very good work for the USAF. Got promoted to Sergeant, a couple of ribbons, you know. But for godsake, there was a lot of sexual harassment from day one. Lurking, instigating, insinuating, married doctors proposing sex, making excuses to be on the same detail, cat calls, whisteles, staring, jokes. Crap. I had had enough.

Sooooo now, I am trying to correct an injustice through the filing "Claims". I won my SC for PTSD in 11 months. I beat the AFDRB, and now I am up against a wall with the BVA. I don't know if I can beat these guys, they are tough.

I applied for VA Benefits within a month of discharge. Since the AF discharged me OTH, I wasn't eligible for State unemployment. I went to the County VSO and told them I had a drinking problem and was severly depressed (discharge exam says so). VSO contacted the VA (State Forms say they contacted the VA), they told me they filed a claim, and that the VA would have to decide if I was eligible for benefits.

VA did a Character of Discarge on me, but never sent me a Notice of their decision. I figured they determined I was Dishonorable for the next 10 years. I had NO IDEA I had an honorable period of service --until HADIT CONFIRMED MY VETERANS STATUS, more than 10 years ago.

5 years ago, I filed a claim for EED for PTSD. I'm still working on it. They tell me I never filed a CLAIM except for a Loan Guaranty. Not true! But, there is NO EVIDENCE in my C-file of an earlier "claim" I thought the State Forms would be recognozed as evidence, but they have ignored them completely.

The only thing they have conceded (agreed to) is that the Character of Discharge was Non-final. They never sent me a notice that I could Appeal. I know that if I had been allowed to appeal, it would have perfected my claim for PTSD or at least the psychiatric injury that I was treated for in-servive, and was noted on my discharge exam. But the BVA says that the Character of Discharge was not a "claim". The BVA says they made a mistake, but it was HARMLESS.

The Attoreny over the weekend I contacted was a good guy, one of the best; he told me I had about a 20% chance of winning. So, I guess I am just going to persist, but I don't know the tone I should take with them. Should I just use PLAIN LANGUAGE and forget about the Law?

Anyway, it's been 10 years of dealing with the VA through my claims or other vets claims, I've missed a lot of special moments with my kids --and they don't want me to get in "trouble" with the VA. They just want me to be OK.

I just can't seem to let this go; how they all made me feel like my time in service meant nothing to them. I was a good Sergeant. But, here's where I do not want to whine. I just want to be able to tell them, they made a mistake --now say your sorry and pay me for the fraud they perpetrated against me. But I can't prove it.

Sooooo, I have been sober for ummmm, almost 20 years. But reliving my story with the VA sets me back emotionally. I have been so angry and frustrated, that I have forgotten all about my sobriety, and how GOOD that felt to do that for myself. I am still sober, but have been feeling completely INSANE dealing with the VA.

I have some deep scars (PTSD), that make me forget who I am (good person, god's daughter), and I just need a little support.

Love, ~Wings

Edited by Wings
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  • HadIt.com Elder

Wings,

I waited a little while before I posted for you. Girl you are one of the

most caring ladies on this site.

You are a straight shot.

I so admire this in you.

I have never seen you not step in and help others on the site.

Goodness, you pulled me out of the gutter so many times.

You are a remarkable person. You are intelligent, gorgeous and you have

your head on straight.

I love you dearly.

When I post something stupid. You always remind me

it may sound stupid to others, but it is something always weighing heavy

on my mind.

I do so want you to continue your fight with the VA. Please don't let them

break you down.

I know the VA has a way of making you remember memories that you

have pushed to the furthest part of your brain to forget.

They did this to me, but you were always there for me.

If I can help you in anyway, please let me know.

Your daughter is at that age when she knows it all. I have two daughters and

one day and this has been many years ago. We were in an elevator and they

were discussing who received the most attention in their younger years.

I told them when they had it all worked out what I did wrong in raising them

to let me know. Now they both have children and they are seeing that they

had a good life. No more designer jeans for them. As adults they refuse

to pay the price, as they fussed until I did. Wore them a couple of times

and then it was on to something a tad more expensive.

I didn't mean to ramble on so much about my life, just wanted you to know

I am about the oldest lady on the site and I have been there.

Hold your head up high and look to the skies, for God has a purpose for you.

When the Lord closes one door he always opens another.

Bless You,

Always,

Betty

Jo

Edited by Josephine
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  • HadIt.com Elder

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Heading out to my Counselor's this morning. Thanks to all who took the time to reply to my thread about PTSD (and other matters).

I'm not sleeping well, and it makes it hard to organize my thoughts on paper for this BVA Motion for Reconsideration. I still have 60 plus days, and then give myself 30 days to get it through the VA mailroom, we all know what a fiasco that can be!

Love you all, ~Wings

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  • HadIt.com Elder

Hey wings - sorry about my post!!! It was uncalled for . . . but like you, who hates drinkers, I hate smokers. I was fortunate enough to quit smoking in '77 and you know reformed smokers are the worst. I wish they would stop making cigarettes and alcohol products but as you know they're both legal businesses. And, I won't even discuss Californians!!!! Hugs, fine lady!!! And as for McBride - haven't heard from him. I miss PTSD 101 but not freefire zone - never went there much. Too crazy for me!!!!

pr

Love you back! To change the subject (hehe) (I'm guilty), how's Bill McBride doing, he still kickn'? Remember the FFZ, fun times, lol!! ~Wings
Edited by Philip Rogers
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Those reformed smokers.........forget, back in the day.

One day I hope to be a reformed smoker but today is not that day.

I do dislike smelling like an ashtray !

carlie

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  • HadIt.com Elder

And I dislike being an alcoholic but we all have our crosses to bear. I try daily - sometimes I'm successful, sometimes not. I do know I'm way better than I was 2 yrs ago. I think I'll "toast" myself!!!! LOL

pr

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  • HadIt.com Elder
Hey wings - sorry about my post!!! It was uncalled for . . . but like you, who hates drinkers, I hate smokers. I was fortunate enough to quit smoking in '77 and you know reformed smokers are the worst. I wish they would stop making cigarettes and alcohol products but as you know they're both legal businesses. And, I won't even discuss Californians!!!! Hugs, fine lady!!! And as for McBride - haven't heard from him. I miss PTSD 101 but not freefire zone - never went there much. Too crazy for me!!!!

pr

((((PR))))) I don't hate drinkers, I'm an alcoholic who choses to not drink today! How could I hate another alcoholic, we're related lol! And, if the substances were outlawed, well, we'd just have more outlaws. Prohibition provided a wonderful opportunity for the bootleggers! PTSD and self medication go hand in hand. I would ask for SC if I were still drinking. My last C&P has alcoholism in sustained full remission (not cured) ... FFZ was a hoot --at first. Love ya, ~Wings

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