Nightmares Again

[Cavtrooper088]

Well, it has been another night filled with nightmares and sad memories. Saw where my good friend SGMdae was on watch earlier. He's a good man. Two tours in RVN-both in the bush. He was actually surrounded one night by a NVA patrol and lived to talk about it. There is actually a Stars and Stripes article about it.

Tonight's nightmares was not as bad as a few nights ago. It helps to be able to sit down and tell (type LOL) about it. Thank you Hadit for being there. Normally I spend hours staring out the windows going from window to window looking at the treelines. Tonight has been easier. Besides--faithful K-9 Private Bubbles (MOS Yorkie) decided to provide additional security for me on my patrol tonight. At least she did until she fell asleep under my feet and started snoring.

God Bless all. Especially our troops.

Cavtrooper088

[Cavtrooper088]

Thanks to all of you for writing back. This old soldier really appreciates it. There is a bond among us, among all who have served, that goes deep.

CommanderBob and John999--I never thought about it, but you right, I'm always young again in my nightmares. Normally I'm reliving an incident where I'm deperately trying to change things, but I am never successful, and I am forced to relive the same thing over and over and over. I've lost men in my platoon through mistakes I made, and I relieve those episodes often. Yet, I never re live the incident in which I was wounded.

I'm OK now. It has been a couple of days of good sleep. Normally, I bounce back OK after the sun comes up. Just sad memories of good men lost before their time.

Cowgirl-There seems to be no rhyme or reason to the timing. I'm in a hotel 2-3 nights a week and seem to have more nightmares then, although the last two have been at home. I'm in a solid routine at home similar to yours.

CLW and Purple Thanks for your comments. Maybe our "critters" should do a better job of standing watch for us. I've threaten K-9 Pvt Bubbles with UCMJ action, but she just looks at me and wags her tail. :--)

Thanks guys--I'm OK now. Cavtrooper

[john999]

I saw a documentary on PBS where a RVN vet who was an officer was talking about orders he gave that resulted directly in the deaths of some of his men. Is that survivor guilt or something else? Plenty of people have survivor guilt after the relief of getting out of the storm is long gone. Everyone feels wonderful on the "Freedom Bird" but later on they start to feel bad. I saw on the news tonight that the murder rate for soldiers in a combat unit at Ft. Carson was very high. The Army sent these men into combat and then just let them sink when they got back. The more combat they were in the more likely they were to commit a violent crime. These military types just never learn a thing about human nature. They think people are machines with an off switch.

[Cavtrooper088]

John999,

Our political leaders did so many things wrong in that war. One day you're fighting, then as you get short you leave your buddies and your unit behind and a few days later you're on a Freedom bird flying home to a country that didn't support us. I was always proud of our troops in the field. We fought hard real hard, we won our battles and most of the time we fought with one hand behind tied our back.

I still remember walking the streets of my small home town just a few days after I had lost Franks. I was in a daze--I was home, but my platoon was fighting. Hometown folks didn't even act like there was a war going on. It was almost a Twil light zone situation. Had a female classmate (a real bleeding liberal who did the popular antiwar stuff)walk up to me and ask me how many babies I had killed in Viet Nam.

I was so bitter, and I hated with all my heart. Funny, I hunted almost everyday when I was growing up on the farm in Arkansas. I never went hunting again after Viet Nam.

There is a great deal of survivor guilt that comes with giving orders that leads to the death of others. Especially friends that you have grown close to in combat. Towards the end I would try to not get close to anyone yet you could not help but grow close to folks. One moment everything is fine, and the next people are down, you're taking fire and most of the time you know even know where it is coming from. For me combat was like a series of snap shots. I didn't see everything clearly. I would see things in a series of quick pictures. One moment you see muzzle flashes coming from a tree line, and the next moment you're past the tree line and hopefully you've got rockets and minigun on the target. You hear the RTO's or the actuals talking on radio with gunfire in the background, and you try to get close in yet always fearing that you might get friendlies which I did (ARVN) once.

I'm one of the last guys left. Two committed suicide with two years of VN, a several others have died earlier on of MS or cancer which I believe was caused by AO.

I'm sorry I'm rambling. Thanks for listening. This helps. God Bless our troops. Cav

[Commander Bob]

John999,

Our political leaders did so many things wrong in that war. One day you're fighting, then as you get short you leave your buddies and your unit behind and a few days later you're on a Freedom bird flying home to a country that didn't support us. I was always proud of our troops in the field. We fought hard real hard, we won our battles and most of the time we fought with one hand behind tied our back.

I still remember walking the streets of my small home town just a few days after I had lost Franks. I was in a daze--I was home, but my platoon was fighting. Hometown folks didn't even act like there was a war going on. It was almost a Twil light zone situation. Had a female classmate (a real bleeding liberal who did the popular antiwar stuff)walk up to me and ask me how many babies I had killed in Viet Nam.

I was so bitter, and I hated with all my heart. Funny, I hunted almost everyday when I was growing up on the farm in Arkansas. I never went hunting again after Viet Nam.

There is a great deal of survivor guilt that comes with giving orders that leads to the death of others. Especially friends that you have grown close to in combat. Towards the end I would try to not get close to anyone yet you could not help but grow close to folks. One moment everything is fine, and the next people are down, you're taking fire and most of the time you know even know where it is coming from. For me combat was like a series of snap shots. I didn't see everything clearly. I would see things in a series of quick pictures. One moment you see muzzle flashes coming from a tree line, and the next moment you're past the tree line and hopefully you've got rockets and minigun on the target. You hear the RTO's or the actuals talking on radio with gunfire in the background, and you try to get close in yet always fearing that you might get friendlies which I did (ARVN) once.

I'm one of the last guys left. Two committed suicide with two years of VN, a several others have died earlier on of MS or cancer which I believe was caused by AO.

I'm sorry I'm rambling. Thanks for listening. This helps. God Bless our troops. Cav

I agree with john999. combat survivor's guilt comes in many levels of misplaced culpability. You raise an interesting PTSD issue, John.

Cavtrooper, you are right on target, and you eloquently described a facet of PTSD, in your post. As you may know, you are not alone in your feelings and experiences. You mentioned that you heard RTO's on the ground, "talking on the radio with gunfire in the background". I was one of those RTO's. The fly boys in my AO, had shark's teeth painted on the front of their choppers, My big dream in Vietnam was to be a door gunner. Of course, you had to extend 6mos. But it meant that you didn't have to walk, and you got three hots, and a shower, and a cot, every night. However, I got wounded before I could extend... I too, was back home, cruising thru McDonalds, while my fellow comrades were still humping the jungle up in I corp. What's the deal? I know some guys that didn't talk about the war when they got home. Still to this day, Vietnam isn't mentioned. Have you ever talked about your war experiences before. They have pills that can make you not remember your nightmares, as well as guaranteeing a full night's sleep ( and half the next day ). If you don't want to go that route. you could get lucky and find some talk therapy. I would suggest a good Ph.D.., that has some in country experience. do you qualify for CRSC?

Edited July 16, 2009 by Commander Bob 92-93

[sgmdae]

Just return from a short trip to an o;d [lace I owned. I read all the post and what insight from all of you. I am in the first stages of being rated, but more important getting treatmnet. I knew a litle about PTSD and said many time the War didn't effect me. Then someone push me too far, and plotted two course of action, one was just hurting the person, and their property. the other course was too eliminate them from earth. I was move quickly out of the war zone, and now asking for help. It was trigger. Just remember, we we receive rockets, we counter and eliminate the position. If the enemy harass us at our primenter, we would set out claymores, and ambush until we got rid of them. So, this person got into space, and the trigger, went into eliminate the problem. Don't worry, I didn't follow through, but I went completely through the planning stages. We all have guilt from RVN, for decisions made, and orders carried out. I was 18, year old that got promoted, and place in charge of different size element up to Platoon leaders, because someone in my platoon died. Do I have any Stressor???? Dreams, my solution sleep very little, minimize the time you can dream. Not healthy , but it works sometimes

[Cavtrooper088]

Commanderbob,

Thanks for your service ole grunt-you guys had it rough--really rough. You physically wore down, and experienced combat in a way that I never did. The RTO's were really good--in many ways they were assistant platoon leaders. I remember several times talking with small infantry units where the RTO had to whisper on the radio to avoid detection by the NVA. SGMdae is a good friend of mine, and he went through that experience. I think the 361 AHC (pink panthers) were the guys that had the shark teeth on their snakes. Blue Max had the Maltese cross and the Cav guys had the cross sabers. I was a Cav guy most of my career.

I do qualify for CRSC. In fact I just got my CRSC retro pay about six weeks ago.

I've talked with PTSD counselors, and they have helped. It just really hard to sit in an office and tell someone you inner feelings without getting emotional. I fell into the trap of hating so much that I enjoyed--no that is not the right word--I would feel excited?? a rush?? I can find the word. Anyway I felt something when I was killing that was not good not normal. It got to the point where some guys thought I thought I took chances and didn't want to fly with me. I am now ashamed of that feeling, and ashamed of the deep hatered that I felt.

VA Doc's have been good to me I think. They have given the appropriate medicine, I hate to take the sleeping pills as it leaves me groggy, and takes the edge off the next day. I also worry about sleeping to heavily at night in case of intruders. Thanks for talking with me Commander. Cav