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Life After 100% Service Connection

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82airborne

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Well now that my claim is finished I'm trying to discharge my student loans so my credit will get better. The vocational rehab guy keep telling me about school. I might as well go to the prison and ask them to enroll MEE. At this point me and people do not mix. Also I don't want to commit to anything. Before I do anything I need to get my health together. I'm pretty much bleeding from time to time out of both ends. Yes. Old doc say my liver point is up most likely to being a alcoholic when I was in my twenties. I been avoiding all contact with unknown people. All I really want. It is not money for school but I just want my credit to get right where I can get a home loan then I pretty much want to disappear to the suburbs of California. Education I can read books. I have no desire to be around people. I walk with a cane every day. I see people looking at me then turning they head when i look they way. But not to stray from what I'm saying I put in for a school loan discharge so I will attempt on letting YALL know how it helps my credit if it do. So this is where I'm at now still going to the psych and medical doctors at the va. So my main goal is to pretty much disappear but not disappear from society.

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Hang in there and please do what it takes to keep your wife. Go out ect. I be ame a hermit who never wanted to leave the house and Surprise! She had an affair.

I let my depression cost me everything. Do what you have too. Trust me you havent lost IT ALL yet

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I lost my wife too...Looking back, I know exactly how. Really wish I would have known then what I know now. Do what you can to get yourself help and hold on to her. Don't wait until it's too late, because once you lose her, you will wish you hadn't, and it may be too late to fix it. Good luck brother...You can do it. :)

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I lost my wife too...Looking back, I know exactly how. Really wish I would have known then what I know now. Do what you can to get yourself help and hold on to her. Don't wait until it's too late, because once you lose her, you will wish you hadn't, and it may be too late to fix it. Good luck brother...You can do it. :)

Yeah you are right. I'm just taking it day by day. Really I'm just living day by day taking each day separately. So thanx for the positive vibes

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Well I finally remembered that a week or so I fell out the bed. I been wondering why my right side was out. Ok PRAZOSIN only helps with your nightmares after a while. I been told to go up to 9 pills of prazosin if it don't do me right. That's the reason I fell out my bed nightmares. I was dreaming that some tornadoes was coming. And I was crawling to a hole in. The ground like a fox hole but the ground ended up being my foxhole. Over all I have not had any violent outburst. Really I have been isolated from the world. I only go to the store with my gal to get out the house. People running around like ants. It seems like the got the prison bus and dropped everybody of for a hour of shopping. I'm still dizzy everyday. I been pretty much preparing to move become out of site out of mind. Away from everybody. Hmmmm I just want to be away from everybody. So I'm going to go up on my prazosin. 9 this week. Well ok this is where I'm at

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Well hello world. It's been another day pretty much inside my little home made prison. Sometimes I think all this is one crazy dream. I wonder how did I get this far gone. I'm not stupid I just have violent spells. It's all I can think about really. February 28 is my birthday I turn 40. I'm done BEIN mr bad ass. It's probably better that most of the time I cant walk. Man oh man last year I wanted to do bad things but I been to doped up on psych medicine and pain pills I really don't want no problems. For twenty or so years I wanted death so bad. I would do things that would get me killed anybody had problems I would immediately take care of it because I thought they life was worth more than mind. Come to find out the same people I was protecting would not return the favor if the shoe was on the other foot. Ok I'm still pretty much hurting where I really can't walk much but its KOOL. I have started packing my stuff to move. I'm gone by the end of May whether I can buy me a house or If I have to rent. It is just to many people where I live I like a more quieter part where I can walk my dog sit in my backyard and enjoy the stars. I swear I didn't ever think I would make it to see 40. Man oh man. I'm still having nightmares even with the max dose of prazosin. Sometimes I wonder if they giving me a placebo I don't know but I do see my way of thinking gas changed so hopefully I can work towards a more positive life. I hope to get back into church but I have a bunch of soul searching to do before I start going back I'm still waiting to see if my discharged loan will help my credit or when they report it. Well thanx for having me and May GOD bless us all FROM big to small short to tall. Peace my fellow soldiers!!!!!!

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Hello I'm here again. Right now I feel mad at the world. All for nothing. Maybe this alone in the house is getting to me. I did the 16 week group ptsd therapy. Really I didn't like it one bit. I wouldn't talk to nobody. I really didn't even want to be with them. Everybody looked suspect. Like I was a test project. Really I feel like a madman. Only reason I have not blew up on somebody because I keep myself locked in the house. The Prozac wouldn't stop me once I get started. Nothing controls my anger when I get turned on. It's been over ten years I have started isolating myself year by year it got worst. Everybody would be partying and I would be sitting in my car lifting my mind with no desire to go inside I can sit in my car for days instead of being social. Its a couple friends I have that's pretty KOOL that I trust most the time they come checking up on me. I'm just venting right now. Only place I enjoy is being with my dad going fishing in the woods just me and him having fishing contest all day everyday. I'm still going to kaiser for treatment well psych treatment. I just don't understand what is up with me. I use to be a party animal. I cant lie after 9/11 and I seen them airplanes go into them buildings something in my head snapped I looked at the world different. New Year's Eve my gal insisted we go to city walk for the new year. This was the first time I really noticed not wanting to be in crowded places it made me nervous. All I could think about was something blowing up. Even when I recently went to Vegas they had a marathon it looked just like boston marathon that blew up I had to leave the races thinking it was about to blow up. I have lost a lot of almost friends over the years thru my craziness. I didn't care. I will always have my hand full of loyal friends I don't understand why I cant regain happiness like I use to have is it I'm maturing or I'm just plum crazy really I'm looking at a life time in the house one reason I got to move away from this area its people that automatically immediately turn me into a madman my best bet is to get away from where I could see these people. I have packed all my things. I will either be moving in the next two months with or without my family. I have had it where I'm at it is just to much going on long lines lunatic drivers crowded stores GERMY people. If I had a backyard where it's just me and nobody playing football hitting my car I don't even say anything because I will blow up and turn something simple to something out of control so I just need to put myself where I don't have to interact with people oooooh well I'm finished babbling time to prepare myself for another day inside the house. :-/

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