82airborne

Well YALL another summer I'm still trying to catch up from when they cut my tdiu part of my disability last year guess what I still feel numb violent mad anxious nervous doped up I'm still in isolation I don't talk to anyone if I can help it they scheduled me for a c &up exam I thought that was strange when they told me they decisions was final and I wouldn't receive no more exams all I'm doing is waiting to be blessed with death guess what my dad died two months ago and I'm at a great loss I still been going fishing but not that much I try to want to go out and be social but when I'm around a lot of people I just have bad thoughts and I would prefer living my life in a room at home than end up in prison for life for giving in to my desires I can't lie my entire life seem like it didn't exist I'm having questions about events in my life wondering did they really happen people tell me things I did and I have no memory whatsoever of what they are talking about I found out that my dad mom her sister and her brother had nervous breakdowns after tragic events and they ended up on psych mess so I guess I do have a history of mental illness truthly im on pins and needles wondering what my future holds but leave it to the voices in my head my ending might not be good my plans is to just stay out of the way let society go on without me while they take selfies I will be sitting with nature enjoying the pretty colored birds every day I'm seeing shadows like the grim reaper walking out of my eye sight when I turn around guess what it's nobody there my question is is these ghost are is my mind really screwed if ghost don't exist then I am truly screwed because I surely see them also I believe they talk to me every one I know that have died I either see them when I dream or when I close my eyes y'all guessed it I'm trying to go to sleep but my mind is racing with thoughts who knows what's real and what's fake but I am writing this in case eventually my mind goes totally blank after a while and I become unable to speak my past so I will finish this summer in isolation if y'all ever hear that I'm in trouble believe me I didn't start it I will merely be responding to whatever comes my way ooooooh well I'm almost 100% sure that when I go to bed another nightmare will unfold or I will dream that I'm in somebody war my last question before I go what if the voices the shadows the ghostly figures the music I hear is real and my mind isn't tripping is that even a possibility oooooh well and yes I'm still taking all my psych meds soil doing what I'm supposed to do to stay out of trouble only places I will go is to the lake to harass mr whiskers ( poor little catfish ) I'm avoiding all possible avenues of anger its people out there if I see them I will instantly turn into a madman SGT SANCHEZ YOU WAS A REAL SOLDIER REST IN PEACE BROTHA

Well I have still been in isolation only place I go to is the lake by my house I love the different birds the nature water fish plopping out of the water I love it it's the only place I feel totallyat peace as far as hallucinations while I'm fishing I'm seeing people out the corner of my eyes that's of course isn't really there sometimes yells and I hear people talking to me but when I look there is absolutely nobody there at night I'm still seeing things but for the most part of it all I stay in my little room every day all day without any interest in going outside to be social only thing I really don't care about fishing is people talking to me burning my ears off with questions and topics I care nothing for I can't lie my mind tries to convince me that my life will soon have a bloody end I can't shake the feeling so I guess that's another reason I just stay home I have faced and cheated death over a dozen times so deep inside I'm just a scared middle aged male that only want peace if I stay alive I plan on gardening fruit and vegetables and if I get good production my fruits and veggies will be going to churches older people and whoever I can help save a couple dollars I want to be a blessing and not a lesson I swear I'm tired of being a dummy bully enforcer fighting other people battles when deep inside I have my own battle to fight for peace love and security happy Valentine's Day everyone thanx for having me 2017 WILL BE ANOTHER YEAR OF ISOLATION

I would love to say I been in happiness but I can't I spend my days in paranoia thinking people is out to get me ,hoping for violence at times hands shaking feeling numb inside all I really want deep inside is just peace of mind to feel safe hallucinations at night still continue stupid dreams still continue then before I go to sleep besides the tinnitus ringing I'm hearing police sirens yells and screams and it just all seems to get worst at times I go in pure mania madness of thoughts for no reason at all but on a brighter note I went fishing last week caught three nice size trout this my first year targeting trout so that really made me feel good fishing and being in my little garden is the only place I feel at ease when I look at my past people just used me to be there bully enforcer I valued their life more than mine I was always willing to give my life to save others until I realized nobody will give they life to save mine ITS ONLY BY THE GRACE OF GOD IM HERE A FREE MAN STILL BREATHING that's why I just stay home I realize I can only chance my luck so many times before I lose and become the victim my intentions is to stay out of sight out of mind if this is possible I love my family but I have no desire to spend time with them why I just don't know sooooo 2017 will be another year of isolation TRUTHLY it's people out there if I see them I instantly go into attack mode then all I hear is helicopters circling me from them calling the police on me so what better way to avoid all of that than by fishing and gardening minding my own business staying out of sight out of mind well happy New Years to you all and may we all stay out of harms way and remember stay of those airplanes and drive it might take longer but at least you have a better chance of surviving thanx for having me

Wow the last couple nights I been going plum mad in my sleep standing up in bed swinging going into convulsions my gal said she was so scared tonight she felt like she was having a heart attack when she left to work she didn't even say by she said something has to change about our sleeping situation ? She said she hope I been taking my medicine and I have so I'm wondering will she be moving to another room also my last couple days been all hallucinations at night when I open my eyes spiders and black dots wall to wall floor to ceiling and what is crazy the attack part of my sleep I have no memory of none of it well I'm telling y'all part of the story two days ago I seen my ex suppose to be mother of my child I just walked away I didn't want to even hear her lies and bullspit when I got home I started to get mad and I got drunk hoping for someone to mess with me so I can release pure anger but nobody did but just maybe this woman caused my flip outs in my dreams I haven't been right since I seen her two days ago so of course isolation I will be in for quite some time not bothering nobody my gall almost sounded like she wanted to leave me out of fear of my mental situation ooooooh well happy holidays MERRY CHRISTMAS AND MAY GOD BLESS US ALL ???

I think isolation works because this world is nothing but games and those games have been played to much people love to provoke you UNTIL you go crazy then they play victim between us I love my family but I have no interest in being with them either I just want to be left alone able to survive these wicked times really THROUGH my psychological problems nobody supported me I was homeless and close to homeless so many times just to have the door shut on me from my family and TO tell YALL the truth MY entire reality appears to be one big simulation FAKE everything around us is fake from protestors to the ones in high power I trust nothing and bother nobody and TO really be honest THE VOICES SOME CALL PSYCHOSIS IS THE REASON WHY I AM ALIVE TODAY whether they are fake or real them voices told me not to get on that jump I was scheduled for at greenramp my question which I'm sure nobody will answer what if the dead people that we or I see isn't real how do we know the screams and yells the shadows that lurk behind us isn't real no matter how much MEDICINE I take I see them all in my mind and the CAN communicate with me and THEY ARE WAY BETTER FRIENDS THAN THE LIVING ooooh WELL thanx for YALL input this is literally my only contact with strangers YALL are my extended family whether YALL KNOW IT are not we are all brothers and sisters in arms WELL GOODNIGHT GOOD MORNING which ever one YALL doing I'm on my way back to DREAMLAND ???

Thanx for the love brotha I'm being compliant with my doctors and I tell them my problems isolation has been my saving grace

Haaaaaaa I needed that wolfman joke but thanx for the information I didn't know you can get another longer Hose now that might solve my problem

HEY LAST night I totally crashed my CPAP MACHINE going crazy in my sleep all I remember is kicking my legs violently in the night I woke up my MACHINE was across the room and my mask was still on my face I just wonder what the hell is going on in my head MOST my dreams is violent and OF death also IT appears that dead people visit me in my dream crashing waters quick movements NO words of course I don't know if it's fake or if these deceased people that I see is real WHILE fishing I hear screams PEOPLE walking by just for me to turn and nobody is there if you look at me you would see a big strong man not knowing I am mentally screwed from what or how I just don't know when I'm in public EVERYONE looks like a threat I don't have eye contact with nobody all I want to do is get my stuff from the store and go home I have come to the conclusion that one of these days I will probably totally lose reality at the rate I'm going I avoid all trouble even tho deep inside I crave violence I understand it's not right and not called for so I will remain in isolation I just felt like venting today so thanx for having me

I am 70% ptsd my battalion and i was scheduled for a jump but I felt something was going to not go right so I asked to be taken off the manifest so in about 1993 MY battalion was at greenramp North Carolina doing pre jump where I think a jet and c 130 crashed killing people in my company and battalion and also I was a 91 bravo combat medic I was providing medical support for my assigned company when some how some way MY buddy got shot when I BELIEVE only blanks was supposed to be used me and another medic received a award for our medical treatment after that I stop complying with their orders I started to pretty much go violent on other soldiers and my sergeant I ended up with a article 15 for not obeying orders from my sergant they gave me a bar to re enlistment so I put in to get out with a honorable discharge for years back on the streets I became extra violent cutting and burning myself DEATH became my fascination every thing I applied for gi bill mental help was all denied until I got my medical records which stated they had requested a psych evaluation saying I was becoming more and more violent and that I hurt my back while in the military it took almost four painful years 2010-2014 to get rated I am KNOW 100% with IU 90% with ptsd and arthritis in my back and knees after years of violence and stress I started seeing my dead sergant that died when I closed my eyes and every other person I knew that died SERGANT SANCHEZ FROM B COMPANY LOST HIS LIFE THAT DAY HE WAS A REAL SERGANT NO EGO PROBLEMS JUST DOWN TO EARTH MAY GOD KEEP YOU FOREVER MUCH RESPECT YOU WAS A HARDCORE MEDIC THAT WASNT POWER STRUCK LIKE MY OTHER SERGANTS TILL THIS DAY I AM NOW IN ISOLATION AIRPLANES SCARE ME TO DEATH I have no intentions in rejoining society I have major trust issues paranoia to the max sorry if I went to long and kind of ranted but this is my non combat ptsd rated story thanks for having me ITS 3 am and I couldn't go back to sleep i NEEDED to get things off my chest when I seen this post so I started to write what's on my mind and now I believe I can go back to sleep THANX HADIT FOR HAVING THIS WONDERFUL SITE THIS PLACE HAVE GOTTEN ME THROUGH MANY MANY CRAZY NIGHTS AND THE SUPPORT AND LOVE I RECEIVED FROM MEMBERS WAS WELL NEEDED AND I AM GREATFUL SOOOOO GOODNIGHT TO YOU ALL :-)

Well a little update all I can feel is depression I'm glad my last situation was fixed but far as feeling happiness I don't feel happy I feel pretty much DOPED up memories that seems to rush in real fast almost send me to tears that I had completely forgot about at times I FEEL guilty for a lot of my actions things I have said I have pretty much crawled into a little hole hoping that the world forgets me and I can just live in peace for the rest of my life I see the world as being so messed up today I got flashbacks of my ex gal when we was at fort Sam for medical training last words she told me was if she was pregnant I don't ever have to worry about it and FOR me to pretty much leave her alone that made me pretty sad today because i would have stayed in my child life if I had the opportunity to BUT guess what it's a ENTIRE line of women that just left me after stating they was pregnant I got to admit my issues is all over the place and I have absolutely nobody worth talking to about my issues I need to tell the truth that PROZAK seem to make me more compassionate and guilty at times they upped my depekote so it seems DAY to DAY I'm just trying to make it to bedtime no real nightmares but at night I still have hallucinations in the night like spiders and stuff like that when I'm in the store I just feel down right weird like I don't belong I wish I could say my problems was fake and they have gone away but it appears I'm getting worse as time come along and I have no idea where this madness is coming from are where it's going well as YALL guessed it im about to take my medicine and go to bed I had to clear my head MY ears is ringing like crazy and all I want is sleep to end this day happy holidays I'm still in isolation with no thoughts of rejoining society

Temazapam really worked for me PILLS probably will be in our life till death I'm scared to stop taking them now for fear of just going totally insane once they find your right combination the craziness should SLOW down hope all goes well for you

With or without medicine I go crazy in my sleep I have hit my gal so many times with sleep punches so your sleep craziness probably will always be there regardless of what medication you take temazapam helped me go to sleep every night uninterrupted most of the time stress also might be a factor in your insomnia hey if your gal stays with you knowing she can get hit at night by a mad sleeper she is a keeper for life you can also try to eat close to bedtime that might help you go to sleep better prazosin helped me with my nightmares basically you got to talk to your doctors about your problems and try the different medications until they find your right combination of medications to stabilize your condition miniature vivid nightmares waking up going back to sleep just to have another miniature nightmare is stressful in itself I hope all goes well with you eventually and you get the sleep you desire ???

I can't lie since they fixed my total disability all violent thoughts have stopped nightmares HAVE SLOWED down dramatically my every thought over my situation was death and violence the thought of loosing everything over somebody playing games one of my best decisions was to go check myself into the loony bin when my thoughts got extra violent deep inside I crave pure violence but that only comes out when I'm stressed out feeling hopeless I want to be forever non confrontational but in stressed situations it appears all of that goes out the window but I will continue on being in isolation just fishing and gardening for me I have no desire to be social and make new friends all I want is to live in peace in my own space my daughter is in college now I would love to see her graduate with a degree so inside the house i will remain thanx for having me and not judging my words when I'm in panic mode and those who did pray for me thanx and may God bless you as well I guess this ends this chapter of pure hell until next time

I changed it on ebenefits and va hospital I just don't think I called the 1000 number to confirm my address change I thought updating ebenefits would do the job but it didn't thanks for the info I'm just glad this madness is over I was stressed beyond any stressed point I have ever been

Well they reinstated my IU I do apologize for getting a little violent in my thoughts I was in panic mode and highly stressed which sent me to the darkside this has been the worst summer on the books for me all I could think of was losing everything and being homeless this forum gave me a place to vent out my frustration instead of acting in real life so I want to thank whomever made this place it has been a life saver literally so this chapter is closed what I have learned from this if you move don't just update ebenefits you need to call the 1000 number and make sure they have your new address because they will not try to find you to send important papers to you also the tdiu people do not communicate with your doctors to even check to see if you are fit to go back to work and when they say they going to cut you off believe me they are going to cut you off another thing I learned LIQOUR stress and anti psychotics do not mix it will send you to the land of tears or violence ooooh well thanx for having me

I have sleep apnea I sleep with the CPAP I was doing fine until I got stressed out it appears that stress and LIQOUR bring my anger to a totally new level it seems as all seems more and more hopeless the more violent intrusive thoughts come I can't lie I can spend the rest of my life in my room going fishing and gardening and have no contact with the world and I would be fine society is so sick and full of games that I can't play any longer we live in a time where a person can be trying to kill you and you can't protect yourself from danger with out worry of persecution for having the desire to stay alive people do sneaky stuff to you at work to get you fired playing games I'm scared to try a different anti psychotic because if they get me the wrong combination I can end up dead or in jail for flipping out but my nightmares didn't really start until I started taking depekote again after I left that psych ward on the Fourth of July so I'm thinking it could be stress or that depekote I been on Prozac for some years and beside being drowsy Prozac has calmed me down dramatically people dog would come up to sniff me and I would instantly kick or try to harm the dog but now I can let them come up to me and I pet them I have way more compassion and guilt for life since i been on Prozac so only time will tell I'm doing everything they want me to do thanx for taking time and sharing kindness I needed it and appreciate it SOOO till next time brothaaaaaaaa ???

Thanx for your words of wisdom I have no desire to be around family and friends alcohol definitely sends me to a very dark place so I think I have drunk my last drank and wow how much I love fishing that's about the only thing that gets me out the house and thanx for the prayers I need them all I rely on making my psycho music in my makeshift studio what's getting me is this world is so twisted it's hard to determine what's real and what's fake but I really really thank you for stopping by and giving concern in a time I need it I been researching Prozac and one of the side affects is irritation and violence maybe it's the pills but really I think once my situation gets right I will calm down right before they deducted my pay my nightmares slowed down and my desire for violence was not my priority it's almost like they want me to cause harm to somebody OOOH well in isolation I will stay being locked in my room beats jail anyday and thanx again

Hello I'm back it's something about the beginning of the month that seems to send me into anger I'm learning LIQOUR and anti psychotics do not mix I keep having burst of anger and burst of depression where I cry like a baby but in tears of anger and guilt from intrusive thoughts of revenge that I can't help it's like my mind crave pure violence but my heart don't want violence I keep flipping in and out of anger spells it all started when they cut my cash unexpectedly no compassion no worries my mind try to convince me thAt they are playing games with me which deep inside I still think they playing with my emotions I'm just lost in nightmares violent thoughts and stress I should know not to drink liquor because it sends me to a dark place I can't lie I crave death more than life if I could only get my mind right but that's it for know and guess what I'm wasted IMMA cook these hot dogs and go to sleep before I get extra angry I do thank y'all for having me and nobody getting on this post talking madness about some of the things I say but for those who read this if your loved one tells you they is dealing with mental issues you should believe them and don't pressure them to they boiling point I know this world have forgotten about God but if it wasn't for the powers that be I would either be dead or in jail but those who do pray please pray for my peace of mind I need every bit of help I cAn get all I see is death in my future ???

Right now I'm just venting isolated where I live avoiding all conflict with the public I know eventually someone will try to mess with me and I will eventually snap from all the pressure and madness I'm going through and it's going to end bad once I'm activated and let anger takes over all I see is blood all I am is a ticking time bomb waiting for someone to punch in the unlock code to my madness and it will all be a legal beat down I will yell out no no I don't want to fight so everyone can hear me then if whomever keep messing with me I will proceed to break they face bones punch for punch and then wait for the police to come all I will say is I told the person to leave me alone I had to defend myself knowing deep inside I have been craving pure violence for quite sometime people don't understand the magnitude of my hidden anger that I keep suppressed I believe if I do everything to avoid violence and someone messes with me and won't leave me alone he deserves every bit of anger I have to give them and if I lose it all due to madness death will certainly knock at my door I will not live with nobody I won't be sleeping on the streets none of that if I lose what I have now my life will be over no questions asked and really I'm getting to the point where I'm starting to believe this life I'm living is not real from hearing seeing and feeling things that don't exist this can all be a dream I can be somewhere in a coma dreaming all of this oh well I guess I will go back to sleep just to dream some emotional violent crazy dream of pure madness ???

Wow another month of deduction of benefits I'm way past my completion to my claim date I am slowly sinking years of credit fixing years of sacrificing paying all my debts off is now for nothing I am back in default past due notices is my new reality me and my family is barely eating I got my daughter through high school now she is on her way to college in another city at this moment I can't help her with food and needed essentials to start college she is still 17 and nobody won't hire her because she is under aged this entire situation got me sick dizzy NASEOUS and more and I can do nothing about the va my only option will cause me death or life in prison and I truly don't want none of those options it seems the more peaceful I try to be the more bull seems to float my way all this could have been avoided if they sent my mail to the right address my girlfriend says I been going into convulsions in my sleep then I start swinging and kicking like a madman all I truly want in life is peace I wanted to go to school to try to reform but last time I went to Westwood college this guy was staring at me and then was like what's up I went over there to him and saw if he wanted to fight immediately he didn't then after that my mind started to mess with me I ended up in camouflage gloves and boots waiting in the bushes at my school waiting to ambush my target somebody must have tipped him off because he didn't come back after waiting for a week I snapped out of my attack mode and was like why why why did I go through that for this mind set is why I can't rejoin society EVERYTIME I feel threatened I go into another zone dressing in camouflage mask and gloves searching for my target with only one thing in mind I don't want to go to jail or hurt anyone so I stay inside my house away from society man oh man this all seems like it's going to end bad

Well nothing has changed for as my tdiu I have calmed down dramatically I was one mad camper a month or so ago I had to do some soul searching I think committing myself that day saved my life note for all LIQOUR and anti psychotics do not mix well your mind will go to a very dark place when you are all alone well let's fast forward they put me back on prazosin and depekote for mood stabilization and nightmares well my violent side has been suppressed but my nightmares have reached an all time high a mix of just down right weird dreams then on the OTHERSIDE death and violence have returned in my dreams I swear before they messed with my benefits my bad dreams was coming to a end also I have been having hallucinations when I wake up my little spider friend going crazy on the ceiling but my real lesson from my situation violence is not the answer hurting innocent people is wrong just because things are not going my way low key I'm just happy to be alive and not in jail if y'all only knew how many people that I tried to hurt that upsetted me I was lucky that every attempt that I made was some how stopped by the forces that be either I couldn't find my target or I got arrested before I can even get to my location isolation is not an option for me many won't understand what I'm saying but some how some where humankind has made me come to the conclusion that we can never exist together on an every day basis I have no desire to interact with people I just want to be left alone the beginning of this month I started getting mad all over again without drinking LIQOUR that day I heated up my lighter and proceeded to burn my arm watching my arm shake from being burned until the lighter kooled off I can't lie it calmed me down till today so all I can say is my mind is playing tricks on me because of this situation also my appetite is gone I swear I'm tired of being hungry feeling my stomach growl knowing the food in my fridge is limited and not to many options to pick from many time I just choose not to eat haaaaaaaaa no fishing to ease my mind my car sits on empty no gas no money but it's my own problems I'm just here to vent ooooh well back to sleep it's almost guaranteed that my dream I dream will be extremely stupid emotional are deadly for me I'm just hoping my situation is fixed pretty soon or they let me know if they gonna reinstate my tdiu ooooh well one meal a day keeps diabetes away yes one less pill I have to take I have lost thirty pounds since my situation till later my good buddies

Hello world triple digit heat again and it appears my AC is blowing out nothing but heat so I'm off to the lake see if I can play with mr whiskers till the evening this high desert is a heat trap oooooh well couple minutes I'm off to paradise man I love fishing if I had to choose between fishing and family I think I might have to tell my family good bye YUUUUP I'm still in the preparation for decision which its past the expected completion date I can't lie I wrote a couple violent letters to the va and I don't even remember what I wrote all I know is it wasn't positive more like pages of me ranting I hope they note punishing me for my anger spells it seems like they would take into consideration how many anti psychotics sleeping pills mood stabilizers nightmare pills I take into there judgement some times I just want to get off all these pills and just be me but I'm sure I probably will go mad ooooooh well thanx for y'all good luck wishes for me to catch my limit in fish bye for now my good people ???

Haaaaaaaa my back is completely out major pain WALKIN is not an option today this madness came out of no where I can't lie I went to the store yesterday I felt nervous if anyone messed with me I would definitely lose any battle I can't even fart without being in pain ??? ooooooh well hopefully I will be fishing Sunday or Monday those are the days that the lake be almost empty and that's what I'm looking for I have calmed down dramatically from my reduction I don't know if it's the DEPEKOTE they give me or I realized I'm at their mercy around the first I been getting depressed when I see my account in the negative but since I been on anti psychotics I feel guilt more and I think before I react so y'all guessed it right I'm trying to go back to sleep so goodnight ERRRBODY till next time

Hey so my lake close at 4:30. All day nothing then 2pm the bite turn on I maxed out with my 5 fish limit yes yes yes I love fishing it helps me escape this mad world

Haaaaaaaaa I caught absolutely nothing but gas Alamo river is contaminated don't go there but I did catch a freakishly huge soft shell turtle on chicken liver and caught one bass in another canal by the muddy mo sooooo this morning I'm going to my hole fishing again out of site out of mind just keeping to myself I see long as I keep myself busy and occupied it keeps my depression at bay my mind is sometimes my worst enemy I start seeing a line up of all the dearly departed that I knew when they was amongst the living in my head my question before I get off this hot crapper I was born and raised Christian so how do I know if the dreams and when I close my eyes and see my friends and family how do I know it's not real when I wake up and see a room of pure madness how do I know it's not real the shadows that move quickly out the corner of my eye just to disappear when I look how do I know all this I see isn't spiritual and actually all the people in my head I can talk to them how do I know I'm not really talking to really them and my mind is not crazy oooooh well it's time to spend this hot afternoon at the lake instead of running the AC I think fishing will be a cheaper situation oooooh well till later my good buddies