vet2018

Thanks again to all, the advice is very helpful and much appreciated. First the most important response: @vetquest No worries I am not suicidal. I did have some creeping SI several years ago but realized my mind was going down a bad path and put a stop to it. I'm not wrestling with problems on a constant basis, it's more something that is nagging at me periodically, scratching the back of my brain. Now that I'm retiring and only have 3 weeks left the transition craziness + my medical diagnosis has my stress way up so its all amplified together. But I'm not despondent. For about five years after the deployment I alternated between feeling numbly detached a lot of the time and flipping out in rage over the smallest things. I had good days too but mostly didn't feel emotionally much at all for several years. But that gradually subsided thanks to my wife. Our marriage is far stronger now than even a couple years ago. I'm very glad you were able to get treatment and are still kicking us newcomers into the right gear. Hat's off to you sir. @Buck52 Yes that is an outstanding response and it really answers a lot of questions. A lot of my issue was in understanding how the VA process works since it is a large unknown for me at this time. So that insight helps. A lot. Thank you. @broncovet I wasn't sure if that would be considered a sufficient stressor since I wasn't present where it occurred, thanks for clearing that up. Long story short, we had an infantry battalion moving in to take over our province so we could focus on civil affairs functions like we were supposed to, and there was an overlap where the incoming infantry commander worked out of our TOC for a couple weeks for overlap before taking over. One of his convoys was out resupplying our CA folks working in a valley 20km north and had already radioed they were heading back a few hours before. Tower reported hearing possible explosion (weren't sure) in vicinity of the road leading to the valley, I was the only one in the main TOC room keeping tabs on things while it was quiet, so I checked the map and realized they should be right around that area then given the time they radioed in their departure from the village up north. Was about to start contacting our teams and battle captain to see if we could respond when the new infantry battalion commander came in. I briefed him and he said nah it won't be them, they wouldn't be there yet, he said it was probably nothing to worry about since they weren't even sure themselves, and since he was far more experienced in ground ops than me (an enlisted AF software guy for crying out loud) I deferred to him but it felt wrong. I knew my province but I let it go. 10 minutes later the convoy's LT is yelling for help on the radio. They were 1km outside our FOB, just out of line of sight, in a radio dead zone. Hours later when they were finally brought in for medevac my battle captain and I went out to have eyes on the movements and the humvee was just buckled right in the middle with a hole right through the roof right over the driver's seat. Poor guy never had a chance realistically, but still it bothers me because I was right and I'll never really know if I could have prevented that. I got a bit nervous typing that all out now. Not terribly bad now but noticeably tense and agitated. Some adrenaline, anxiety, etc. That's what I mean by it still bothers me. Things like that. I got worked up telling the above story to my therapist and that's the one she told me seemed too intense to explore further. There were a lot of funny stories too, some funny haha and some dark humor, so of course it wasn't all bad. But I still think about something from over there several times a week at least, some random memories others memories of incidents, whether I want to or not, and almost always get at least a bit nervous regarding the various incidents, sometimes very. Maybe its just something I'll have to live with the rest of my life, and if so that's fine. I want them to just tell me that officially so I can plan for it. I know that what I faced was nothing compared to what a lot of people deal with, and I don't pretend it is. Most people had it far far worse than I did. There are a lot of real warriors out there. I was just in a really weird situation with no training to prepare for the job at all. I'm just worried that my previous state as described above will come back later as a surprise and I want to put it to bed before that happens. That's all. Happened to my dad. He had a lot of shit in Vietnam, for example he killed 19 in one firefight where he was wounded with a bayonet on the arm, Silver Star with V, and didn't tell me any of it until I was at least 30. By then he was 100% with PTSD (had only sought help a few years before that) complete with screaming flashbacks, then later diagnosed with bipolar and then dementia. I just don't want to go down that route. I already have some other health issues he had so I feel like I'm staring down the barrel in a sense and I want it dealt with so it doesn't become a problem for me and my family. No I'm not on any medication. My PCM asked me if I needed any and I just told her I'm not asking for medication, that I was just venting honestly since I was asked. Thanks again to everyone, it really helps to learn how this mess all works. Very very helpful in reducing stress. Thanks and take care.

Thanks all for the responses. I apologize for the length of these rants but it's a lot to get off my chest and I want to make sure I go through the process correctly for my family's sake. @Buck52 the DSM-5 diagnostic code is F41.8, here's a link with more info about it: http://seniorcarepsychological.com/other-specified-anxiety-disorder-symptoms-and-related-dsm-5-diagnosis/ @vetquest Sorry to hear about your delays. That seems to be a common theme. Unfortunately I'm not really in a position to get buddy statements. I'm in the Air Force and it was a very weird deployment situation. They deploy us as individuals to fill slots, not as a unit, and this particular deployment had me (an IT guy) deploying (with a few days' notice -- surprise) into a very small (~60 people) mashup unit of infantry and civil affairs types (Army + AF + Navy) and a small Navy EOD team (even a couple Marine ETTs) on our own on a tiny FOB responsible for an entire province in far east Afghanistan during the runup to the Taliban resurgence. Instead of comm I was put in with the S3 in a TOC that basically only had 3 people in it (S2, S3, and me) because we were so undermanned and I had no prior experience in this type of operating environment at all. (I literally went from cubicle farms doing help desk tickets to coordinating all aspects of a FOB on a daily basis) It turned out I was able to hold my own at it pretty well after I got adjusted to it, and in a lot of ways I enjoyed it and miss the hell out of it but once it was over I returned to my unit stateside. Since I didn't deploy with anyone from my unit there's no one to really reach out to about the things that happened over there. We got shot at/rocketed/mortared and it was my job to help coordinate defense, coordinate air support and medevac when our folks went out and got in TICs, etc. But there isn't anything that says "you got shot at" in particular, so I'm not sure what would be useful for that. I do have helmet cam footage of combat from some of the guys who went out but I wasn't out with them, I was on the other end of the radio making sure they got out in one piece. Usually. I went out some but never got in a TIC while out. Was on the phone with my wife when we came under heavy mortar fire once, that sucked. I do have an ARCOM from Task Force Spartan (10th Mountain) but it is generic. @broncovet are you saying at the C&P I should explicitly state that I think I have PTSD? My therapist has stated in the notes that I do NOT have PTSD because I said my issues from the deployment have lessened to the point that the issues are "rare." But to me that simply meant that it isn't affecting my life on a constant basis. I still however have feelings of guilt/etc (especially over one friend's death that I feel I could have done more to prevent but probably couldn't -- he was amputated waist down by an IED just outside our FOB -- first daisy-chain IED in eastern theater -- and I was on watch and initiated the response to get them back in safely) but do not have hypervigilance and flashbacks like I did back then. My issue is that I simply forced myself to deal with the issues but don't feel I ever properly processed them, I just buried them over time, and I'm concerned they will come back again. I get fairly nervous even typing up what I did above. My wife did write a lay statement describing how I changed after the deployment, detachment/rage, etc that I was considering giving to my current active duty psychologist but now I'm glad I didn't, since I'm concerned it would be dismissed. I was considering taking that (along with my wife) to my C&P after I file my claim. (we see our VSO next week to start the claim process) In hindsight I wish I had gone to the local vet center which my wife had urged me to do back then, but I was worried about a diagnosis somehow affecting my clearance (TS) which would harm my career. Now I want to get it on my record but it seems too late, and because I "dealt with it" on my own my therapist seems to be giving testimony against me. And now that I have a serious medical diagnosis I want to research it and understand it as much as possible, but that comes across as "obsessing" over it which is frustrating again. This morning I had an unrelated appointment with my primary care provider and at that time just unloaded about feeling overwhelmed with everything we are dealing with. (my multiple medical issues, wife medical + pending surgery that stopped her heart before, career change, etc) It finally came to a head yesterday (before I even read my record) when I reached a point where the only way I relaxed was to just finally stop caring about anything, which is a dangerous road to go down. PCM agreed we are dealing with a lot, said she had noticed me deteriorating over several months, was very concerned and offered to hand me off to a psychologist, but then she called my psychologist and came back and said she was told it was "just an adjustment issue" and that there was nothing to be concerned about. So I feel blown off. I was offered an appointment with a behavioral health specialist which I took, just so I can go on record somehow. I was given a PHQ-9 and GAD-7 which I basically maxed out but don't know if they will take it seriously since I was in the psychologist's office yesterday answering similar questions with lower scores, because I try to present as trying to improve. But now I'm not sure how to effectively demonstrate that I am concerned about real issues. I have asked my wife if she is willing to come with me to the BHOP appointment so she can report what she has observed and experienced and she is very willing. Beyond that I'm not sure what would turn this situation around. I feel like I went way off track in this therapy process and don't know how to get back on track now. Sorry for the ranting, this is just very frustrating.

BLUF: Retiring in a few weeks, just got AD medical records including mental health which I started seeing a few months ago for anxiety-type symptoms and concerns of recurrence of PTSD-type symptoms experienced after a rough deployment around 10 years ago that I never sought help for. I'm concerned that my psychologist, who has apparently has painted me as a hypochondriac, has screwed me over dealing with the VA going forward because they will now downplay all future interactions as being "in my head." Is this a valid concern? I apologize for the length below, but I'm pretty pissed right now. In the records for this psychologist I find repeated diagnosis of "Other Specified Anxiety Disorder (Insufficient symptoms)" and the below statements. (this same type of statement is generally repeated across multiple visits) I'm pretty pissed right now over the statement of "no significant occupational impairments" when I've clearly stated to the psychologist over many months that I have had significant difficulty focusing on tasks, difficulty remaining motivated, etc. I'm basically on terminal leave the past two months but during that time have had extreme difficulty organizing most things in my life. My wife is very ill, I myself just received a diagnosis of a rare potentially very debilitating disease 2 weeks ago, and we were caught in a four-car wreck on the freeway the following day (five minutes away from a pre-surgery consult for my wife where we expect multiple complications) that has left us living on pain relievers and muscle relaxers since then, our stress level is through the roof, and the therapist has been told all of this but made no mention of it in the clinical notes at all. Only statements that I am overly focused on getting ill -- which was in a sense true as I was very worried about "numerous unexplained symptoms" for many months until I finally got the diagnosis (through an objective test by a specialist that clearly demonstrated the illness) two weeks ago that tied all these symptoms together. It turns out that I have a disorder of part of my nervous system that affects multiple systems in the body in different ways, so someone not familiar with the disorder can think the patient is presenting with numerous symptoms with no cause, hence it must be mental. Bottom line is this therapist has painted a picture of me as a hypochondriac who has no work impairment at all, despite a significant recent medical diagnosis and repeated statements that I have significant difficulty with tasks at home. For example, I have repeatedly said that our house is a mess and I have not been able to get organized enough to complete projects at home to simply clean up. I can't stand it around here but never do anything about it. She just wrote from one visit "He was assisted in exploring cognitions that perpetuate procrastination." I have no hobbies, no desire to do much of anything, I just sit all weekend and make my wife miserable. I've told her this repeatedly and as recently as today and the notes she wrote from today are quoted above. Maybe I wasn't clear enough to her but she has expressed at least some sympathy so I thought she understood what I said. Also I have repeatedly tried to discuss concerns I had regarding severe stress after my deployment, but she has apparently characterized that as "marital strife" when I clearly told her the strife was caused by my inability to deal with my deployment emotionally and taking anger out on my wife. I've told her I was constantly having flashbacks for five years after my deployment, constantly obsessing over loss of friends and what I could have done differently, etc. None of that is mentioned. In fact, the one time I was able to spend some time talking about deployment experiences a few months ago she finally stopped me and said "Whoa, we need to take a different approach next time and avoid that." I feel that I've made a terrible mistake in trusting this therapist. My initial concern entering therapy was a fear that I did not properly deal with my deployment and that I could return to my previous condition which alternated between complete detachment and rage. I never spoke to a therapist at the time despite my wife begging me to. Now that I tried to talk to someone I find out that those concerns are completely ignored and I am instead painted as a hypochondriac. Because of that I am concerned the VA will treat me as a "problem patient" going forward and automatically discount any concerns I have as "mental" instead of potentially medical. How realistic is my concern? Thanks.