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MSTANDFEDUP

Second Class Petty Officers
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About MSTANDFEDUP

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  • Service Connected Disability
    NONE
  • Branch of Service
    Air Force

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  1. i was on facebook recently and i think im in a bad episode now or something because im really flashing back or something but i had someone on my friend list who was one of the guys that lived in the same dorm that i was semi-friends with at the time when i started having this episode this past month ive been all over the place, i wouldn't say he was really a friend but we knew each other from the dorms, anyway... he deleted himself from my friend list the other day so i dunno but i think he removed himself because i started flashing back he either knows something i dont or he didnt want to be around if i started remembering tings i remember a little from that time frame and i remember that i heard he was telling people in the dorms that he slept with me but it wasnt true and he knows he was lying back then...when i heard that gossip from someone i remember being mad that he was saying some bullshit to make himself look cool or whatever because i def. never slept with him and i wasnt sure at the time why he was telling people that but i think it was to make himself sound cool or something cuz i def. didnt sleep with him i did sleep with my sons father about a year into the stuff that was going on, i loved and got engaged to him but looking back i think that i clung to him for safety or something during a bad time in my life after everything that happened with my supervisor at work i really think i wanted some stability at the time and my sons father was a good guy we talked about getting married at the time and i know in my heart he really loved me but after all the mess i totally spiralled out of control mentally so our relationship was destroyed (by me once i went ptsd i stopped making sense so i think shortly after my PTSD set in it messed up our relationship because i spiralled and i remember being angry with him afterwards) but i think mad guys were trying to make up lies and shit about me.. i dont remember fully what happened anymore but it was def weird how this guy just deleted himself from my friend list the other day he prob. didnt wanna be around if i started flashing back or some shit... it was just weird how all of a sudden he was gone from my list i think i was a pretty girl or whatever and like mad guys would look at me a certain way no matter how smart i was guys or how hard i worked it didnt matter like at work i would work so hard at my job and my supervisor would just keep making jokes and it got worse and worse and id work harder i had various duties and i was dedicated to my job so i tried to keep going through it and thought maybe he would leave me alone then i remember the TDY a little it was a few guys from my job and me we went to work at another base and were staying at a hotel and i remember my supervisor coming to my door and i he said i needed to go with the guys over the boarder to mexico because they wanted to go drink and party and i didnt want to go so i said i wasnt going and i remember he threatened me and said that if i didnt go no one was going i remember the guys making jokes and shit that i wasnt a team player because we had gone to a restaurant and there was a SGT with us from the other base and i remember he was asking me if i was ok ..i remember him asking if i was ok with what was being said and i think the MEO office contacted him later im not sure he was really nice and i think he cared about me looking back now but i dont know what happened anymore its all a mess mentally i cant like put it all together its all scattered around i remember calling my sons father we werent engaged yet we were just friends then and he was mad and i remember he was going to drive to the base it was like 5 hrs away from where we were stationed but my supervisor threatened me and said he couldnt come there but my sons father i think wanted to kill my supervsir at the time i remember he was on the phone and going to drive to the base i feel really sick i
  2. once i started prostituting after the military, i think i just left the building mentally i think to cope i dunno? after the events in the military ... u know like i was a pretty girl or whatever and like mad guys come at me no matter where i go ...prior to and after the military i always had guys all up in my face no matter where i went ...and no matter what u say sometimes guys just dont get the xxxxxxx hint like leave me alone means leave me the xxxx alone it doesnt work like that in the military once u have someone in charge of u its so different i told my chief months into the harassment and asked if i could be assigned a new supervisor and he said "well i dont see a problem with that" and i asked for a new supervisor but he said no so i just kept taking it and tried to be strong but i remember crying in the bathroom at work and then wiping my face and trying to go back to work after things he was saying to me when i first got to the base he wouldnt leave me alone he acted way friendly at first like he cared about my best interests then anything i needed to do like for example he said that i needed to get a paper i had to go to the dorms and he was like oh im coming with u (i was new to the military at this time and didnt fully understand his responsibilities over me but i felt uncomfortable with him wanting to come to my room)... so getting this paper from my dorm and he followed me there but he was interested in one thing only looking back to the beginning now and i remember he sat on my bed watching me when i was looking for the paper and now i know from day one he saw me not as his supervisee but he saw me differently...he was a married man and i was not interested in him in the slightest bit he grossed me out.. but no matter what i did he was like he's in charge of me basically and in the beginning i didnt understand but now i fully understand why he acted so friendly in the beginning he was like oh u need a car i have a car for sale and then him being friendly turned into him being really threatening and controlling...i was pretty and he had a control issue or something and as things got worse and worse he went from someone saying he cared about my best interests to threatening my career in the military after that as time went on i just got more and more afraid i dunno anymore what happened once i came home i was so a mess and then guys were coming at me like they used to and i flipped out...im ok w/ guys now as long as they dont seem dominant in anyway like i have guy friends but only guys who are like really mellow or sensitive or like not controlling but if like a guy comes at me that seems dominant i have this radar that goes off and i panic ive lost a lot of my looks at this point so mostly guys leave me alone now and i feel better but there was a point i was in severe panic mode now im wondering if my minds splitting away i dunno anymore wtf has happened
  3. so another words i think i had enough trauma to split my mind the mind splitting? i go off into another world i guess now how can this happen to me i dont understand anymore i dunno if im developing multi-personality i dunno what the hell is happening anymore i def have major trauma i dunno i think like my mind is splitting away? i think im developing multi-personalities im not positive but i think so
  4. My Axis I think says Bipolar then Axis II is PTSD/MST The only thing is that I was diagnosed BP by a civilian doc when I went into psychosis after I left the military. I was having hallucinations but looking back that didn't happen to that extreme again, at the time i was in severe fear/trauma after the events so the hallucinations were extreme and i was admitted into the hospital for 2 weeks. After that no doc ever questioned the BP I just kept getting meds for BP disorder but I think my Diagnosis should be Axis I PTSD/MST. Axis II OCD I dont believe I have BP disorder I believe it's PTSD-> OCD ->DISSOCIATION and because the anxiety was never treated i just rolled and rolled with it for way too long As soon as a civilian doc saw me in psychosis i was diagnosed BP but i dont think that civilian doc realized i had just come out of the military or even considered PTSD i saw him for like 20 mins and he diagnosed BP i think there are a lot of misdiagnosises right now of military people in PTSD because civilian docs dont know what they are looking at
  5. I just have to focus and focus and stay focused If I lose it again I'll lose sight of what I need to do I need to get anxiety medication or something on the 8th the Va has to look at my anxiety disorder because i am pretty sure i have severe anxiety at this point and it's gone on for a long time untreated so i need to talk to my doc about my anxiety and how my episodes start i also need to keep working on unhoarding things (I've thrown out a lot of mess) i had boxes of paperwork piled up for the past few years and im slowly getting through the mess i didnt want to face so i feel good about that so i made progress this week i have to start an na program for addictions this week and hopefully that might ease some of my ocd symptoms needing to do something with myself...i talked to an PTSD/MST survivor recently who went through treatment and she said that the generalized meeting really helped her overcome some of the things i also need to organize these va documents so i can keep focused on them so they dont end up in boxes again and try not to get lost doing this i need to stay off the conspiracy theory websites because that is not making things better i have a friend who is in medical that wants to look over my health tests over the past month so im gathering them from around town i had a few hospital visits because of pains i was having so i gotta organize my physical health documents and give them to him to look at the VA wants to run some more physical tests on the 8th i just had blood work done and some things i need to talk to my physician about, my UTI is clearing up after 2 rounds of heavier antibiotics but they are going to do some further testing on my kidney keep doing positive things and not look backwards too much and move forward or ill end up off the wall again.
  6. I'm sorry I was zoning out last night I think I'm going to try to stay on point and not lose it mentally I know I have health issues, I'm pretty sure my immune system is compromised now so I just need to worry about my health and recovery and that's it On the 28th of Nov I caught the flu and got very very sick which threw me into an episode afterwards. At the time I swore my immune system attacked itself (inside pains) and I didn't understand why but now that I'm reading about PTSD and it can compromise the immune system I kinda understand more. I was positve my immune sys attacked itself after I got the flu but I was like what autoimmune issue do I have because before the flu I had energy but after the flu I was very run down and that's when I found out there is something going on with my kidney. I'm reading about a link between PTSD and kidneys too so I just gotta worry about getting better and not thinking too much. If someone can just delete this thread I'd appreciate it I shouldnt be talking about what happened at all.
  7. Something really really weird happened ( from 2005-2007) ? ill get back after i get some sleep
  8. This says that pregnant women were used and what not, is it bull? I went psychotic really fast and then prostitution it just doesn't make sense cause im not like that or i wasn't. Citizens Commission on Human Rights International | Mental Health Watchdog HomeAbout UsPsychiatric DrugsPsychiatric DisordersCCHR IssuesAlternativesVideos<H2 class=pagetitle>Posts Tagged ‘mind control experiments’</H2><H3 id=post-2045>The CIA Mind Control Doctors: From Harvard to Guantanamo</H3>Thursday, September 3rd, 2009 by Colin A. Ross Psychiatrist, Author, The CIA Doctors, Military Mind Control and Project Bluebird My book, The CIA Doctors, is based on 15,000 pages of documents I received from the CIA through the Freedom of Information Act and dozens of papers published in medical journals. These papers report the results of research funded by the Air Force Office of Scientific Research, the Department of the Army, the Office of Naval Research and the CIA. From 1950 to 1972, the CIA funded TOP SECRET research at many leading universities including Harvard, Yale, Cornell, Johns Hopkins and Stanford. There was a series of CIA mind control programs including BLUEBIRD, ARTICHOKE, MKULTRA, MKSEARCH and MKNAOMI. MKULTRA and related programs had several over-lapping purposes. One was to purchase mind control drugs from suppliers. Another was to form relationships with researchers who might later be used as consultants at the TOP SECRET level. The core purpose of these programs was to learn how to enhance interrogations, erase and insert memories, and create and run Manchurian Candidates. All of this is described clearly and explicitly in the declassified CIA documents, which provide a glimpse into the tip of the iceberg of CIA and military mind control. The CIA mind control experiments were interwoven with radiation, chemical and biological weapons experiments conducted on children, comatose patients, pregnant women, the general population and other unwitting groups who had no idea they were subjects in secret experiments. Radiation, bacteria and funguses were released over urban areas. A large cloud of radiation was released over Spokane during OPERATION GREEN RUN; plutonium was injected into a comatose patient in Boston by Dr. William Sweet, a member of the Harvard brain electrode team; plutonium was placed in the cereal of mentally handicapped children at the Fernald School in New England; 751 pregnant women were injected with plutonium at Vanderbilt University; the bacteria serratia maracens was released into the air in San Francisco, resulting in a series of infections and plutonium was injected into an amputee at the University of Rochester. All these experiments were conducted without any informed consent or meaningful follow-up. Hallucinogens, marijuana, amphetamines and other drugs were administered to imprisoned narcotic addicts in Lexington, Kentucky, terminal cancer patients at Georgetown University Hospital, hospitalized sex offenders at Ionia State Hospital in Michigan and johns picked by prostitutes hired by the CIA in San Francisco and New York. Most of these experiments were conducted by psychiatrists with TOP SECRET clearance. These included Louis Jolyon West, Chairman of the Department of Psychiatry at the University of Oklahoma and later at UCLA; Dr. Robert Hyde in Boston; Dr. Carl Rogers at the University of Wisconsin; Dr. Martin Orne at Harvard; Dr. Charles Osgood at the University of Illinois; Dr. James Hamilton at Stanford; Dr. Charles Geschichter at the University of Richmond and Dr. Harold Abramson and Dr. Harold Wolff at Cornell. Other TOP SECRET-cleared MKULTRA contractors included Dr. Maitland Baldwin, a neurosurgeon at the National Institutes of Health and Dr. Carl Pfeiffer, a pharmacologist at Emory. The CIA doctors violated all medical codes of ethics dating back to Hippocrates, including the Nuremberg Code. The experimental subjects were not told the real purpose of the experiments, did not give informed consent, were not afforded outside counsel and received no meaningful follow-up. As described by the psychiatrists in published papers, experiments with LSD and other hallucinogens, combined with sensory deprivation, electroshock and other interrogation techniques, resulted in psychosis and death among other “side effects.” The purpose of these experiments was to see how easily a person could be put into a psychotic state or controlled. In a series of MKULTRA projects, the CIA paid a former Bureau of Narcotics officer, George White, to set up safe houses in San Francisco and New York that were decorated like brothels. George White then hired prostitutes to pick up johns at bars, bring them back to the safe house, give them LSD without their knowledge, and then have sex with them. The CIA officers watched the sex through one-way mirrors. The project documents state that the purpose of the experiments was to test the effects of LSD on unwitting subjects under field conditions that mimicked an interrogation of a foreign operative. In one of the memos contained in the MKULTRA files for these projects, however, another purpose of the safe house operation is revealed. The CIA was actually testing the performance of “Jekyll-Hyde” identities they had created in the prostitutes. They wanted to see if they could make female spies or female agents with alternate controllable personalities. Another purpose of these experiments was to test the CIA’s Manchurian Candidate prostitutes under conditions that mimicked a field operation. The johns were given LSD as part of the cover for testing the CIA’s female Manchurian Candidates prior to their use in actual operations (the mission being to have sex with and extract information from targets). The recruitment of street prostitutes provided an additional layer of cover for the testing of the Manchurian Candidates, plus it provided free live pornography for the CIA officers. In other experiments, conducted by Dr. Jose Delgado at Yale and Drs. Vernon Mark, Frank Ervin and William Sweet at Harvard, brain electrodes were implanted in people and their mental state and behavior was controlled from a remote radio transmitter box. These experiments were conducted with funding from the Office of Naval Research. In experiments at Tulane funded by the CIA and the Army, implantation of brain electrodes was combined with injecting mescaline and other substances directly into the experimental subjects’ brains. BLUEBIRD, ARTICHOKE and MKULTRA were the precursors of present-day enhanced interrogation programs used by the CIA at secret prisons outside the United States. Water-boarding, electric shock, hooding, prolonged sleep deprivation, death threats and other techniques discussed in the Senate and Congress and in the media, are, in my opinion, elements of a limited hangout, a CIA strategy in which a little bit of the truth is revealed in order to cover up the greater part of the truth. None of these experiments or operational programs would be possible without the participation of doctors, psychiatrists and psychologists. The doctors are directly involved in testing the interrogation techniques and monitoring their effects. The purpose of mind control experiments is controlling human behavior: making enemy combatants open up during interrogation; protecting secret information by erasing memories; making spies more resistant to interrogation because secret information is held by hidden identities and making people more prone to influence, social control and suggestion. It has nothing to do with medical treatment, easing suffering or curing disease. The mind control experiments and operational programs violate basic human rights and all codes of medical ethics. Dr. Colin Ross is a psychiatrist, internationally renowned researcher, author and lecturer. In addition to The CIA Doctors and Military Mind Control, he is also author of Project Bluebird, in which he exposes unethical experiments conducted by psychiatrists to create amnesia, new identities, hypnotic access codes, and new memories in the minds of experimental subjects. His research is based on 15,000 pages of documents obtained under the Freedom of Information Act. Dr. Ross is a past president of the International Society for the Study of Dissociation. He is the founder and President of the Colin A. Ross Institute for Psychological Trauma. Colin A. Ross (2006). The CIA Doctors: Human Rights Violations By American Psychiatrists. Richardson, TX: Manitou Communications.
  9. If I contacted for FOIA docs and they said that I needed to contact the Sec of DOD is there anyway i could be a part of something i'm not aware of how long does it take before full FOIA documents are released to the public and under what circumstances are they totally denied? I mean I know this sounds weird but also the past years since 2005 have been more then weird for me & i gotta keep it quiet for right now but it gets weirder much much weirder & way beyond mental health probs explain
  10. this is going to sound crazy (and i know how it's gonna sound) - and I'm still up of course because i never sleep anymore!!!! which hopefully is just the case.... but i am not a stupid person by any means. i may have lost my mental health but i am still somewhat intelligent even if i can't hold a conversation anymore w/o making much sense. i have common sense and i look at things from every aspect.... this is off the wall for me but... considering the way my mental health demolished so quickly it doesn't make sense what happened when i came home and even in mental health terms it still doesn't make sense. the drastic mental health decline so fast... ive been doing a lot of reading and i understand the PTSD might have just caused all the mess....but i came home and i started hallucinating severely (at the time i kept it to myself) and having audio hallucinations ... the onset was sharp and quick considering the time frame, the trauma and everything and then how i now have horrible mental health this is just going to come out sounding crazy but... i read some stuff on this mind control experiments and also some testing that was being done at the same time frame my events occurred and also i was at one of the main bases that is an underground testing facility and one of the main bases for new technologies and research supposedly according to these whacky websites the base i was at is a main spot... im wondering if this is just way off the track but is there anyway i could have been a prime candidate for testing i wasn't aware of? if the govt is going to do testing on someone, do they by law need approval? would you be notified or would you have to agree to any experiments? i was reading about this stuff from 04-05 called Inner Voice Target Tracking Behavioral Influence Technologies and some things i'm just going to keep to myself right now about what happened in the aftermath but is there any possibility that the govt is doing mind control experiments on people without their knowledge? say for example after a harassment incident because i spoke up maybe they wanted to get back at me? or considered me for something i wasnt aware of? i know that sounds nutzo but from things ive read and ive brushed it off before and just said no i just have mental health probs now that's all conspiracy theory nonsense... but the more i consider what happened and how fast it happened i have to question things at this point some things just don't make any kind of common sense in the aftermath... im not gonna give up too much info but something weird happened that is way beyond the scope of mental health problems i wasn't too sure how i went from one person to another person so fast overnight, it didnt make sense at all, i had like intense impulse to do things like prostitution for example that totally goes against my grain (or did) it gets weirder actually but i dont wanna get into too many details right now i also dont wanna come off like a complete whack job but that's what happened to me im considering like the fact i was drinking coffee and stuff like that but that was actually more in the later of the mental health decline... can anyone tell me if actual experiments are taking place or is that just conspiracy theory websites and nonsense? like right now im hearing a beeping churp sound and i dont understand certain things that have happened at all does the gov have a right to test on someone without their knowledge or consent?
  11. what happened is just really weird u know if someone can just delete this whole thread i would appreciate it i dunno what happened anymore i gotta work it out in therapy w the va thankfully my appointment is in a few days i dunno how i go from a freedom loving patriotic american girl to like a friggen dumpster diving prostitute it just doesnt make sense anymore even to me how could this happen to my life you know?? the base this happened at has a bad history of occurances and i dunno wtf happened anymore it was so quick and the spiral was downhill so fast my morals are against the things i was doing and i have a high moral ground or at least i used to...i dont understand how this could happen to me you know???????? im from upper middle class i friggen dropped out of society and became a friggen prositute and everything else how does this happen??
  12. The mess afterwards I have to face from but the more I read the more I know I'm not alone and I've been speaking with other women who have PTSD/MST that don't talk about those things but it is not uncommon...I didn't know how I ended up in that mess but after i stopped caring about myself totally i guess thats what happened This is a good article about PTSD, Violence Against Women, and Posttraumatic Stress Disorder It talks more in depth about dissociation and what not so it just added to my trauma more after the PTSD set in i didnt give a f about myself anymore http://www.prostitutionresearch.com/ProsVi...trauStress.html
  13. if a mod can delete this thread it would be appreciated i shouldnt be talking about the things that happened afterwards it was such a mess i just stopped caring about my body and my life but im caring again so that's all that matters and getting myself healthy again i need a starting over outlook because if i look back anymore i wont be able to live u know?
  14. in the aftermath i didn't care about myself anymore so that is what i feel like i lost i stopped caring, i let any man have sex w/ me as long as he didnt seem dominant and come at me i was degrading myself in the aftermath, i hated myself horribly, i almost killed myself a few times but i stopped myself (once almost swallowed pills but i coughed them up), when the OCD set in i started to worry in that survival mode type thing where all u want to do is survive but u arent thinking clearly, i was hoarding stuff in my home including weapons at one point (small weapons like tazer guns to protect myself and pepper spray stuff like that) and also hoarding food and other items (i guess mentally i went to war or something?), doing weird things OCDing about money and worries and trying to make it while i couldn't hold a job in the years afterwards as my mental health got worse, i was ending up homeless then i'd get it together and be ok for a while and then homeless again, it was a mess...that is what i feel like i lost my life not who i am u know and then i became someone else after the events it was horrible im ok that im self aware now but its hard to stay positive because u know like u destroyed ur life so bad afterwards its hard to live with myself but i will survive this
  15. Can a mod delete this whole thread I dont know why I am even talking about this im so over it.
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