MSTANDFEDUP

i was on facebook recently and i think im in a bad episode now or something because im really flashing back or something but i had someone on my friend list who was one of the guys that lived in the same dorm that i was semi-friends with at the time when i started having this episode this past month ive been all over the place, i wouldn't say he was really a friend but we knew each other from the dorms, anyway... he deleted himself from my friend list the other day so i dunno but i think he removed himself because i started flashing back he either knows something i dont or he didnt want to be around if i started remembering tings i remember a little from that time frame and i remember that i heard he was telling people in the dorms that he slept with me but it wasnt true and he knows he was lying back then...when i heard that gossip from someone i remember being mad that he was saying some bullshit to make himself look cool or whatever because i def. never slept with him and i wasnt sure at the time why he was telling people that but i think it was to make himself sound cool or something cuz i def. didnt sleep with him i did sleep with my sons father about a year into the stuff that was going on, i loved and got engaged to him but looking back i think that i clung to him for safety or something during a bad time in my life after everything that happened with my supervisor at work i really think i wanted some stability at the time and my sons father was a good guy we talked about getting married at the time and i know in my heart he really loved me but after all the mess i totally spiralled out of control mentally so our relationship was destroyed (by me once i went ptsd i stopped making sense so i think shortly after my PTSD set in it messed up our relationship because i spiralled and i remember being angry with him afterwards) but i think mad guys were trying to make up lies and shit about me.. i dont remember fully what happened anymore but it was def weird how this guy just deleted himself from my friend list the other day he prob. didnt wanna be around if i started flashing back or some shit... it was just weird how all of a sudden he was gone from my list i think i was a pretty girl or whatever and like mad guys would look at me a certain way no matter how smart i was guys or how hard i worked it didnt matter like at work i would work so hard at my job and my supervisor would just keep making jokes and it got worse and worse and id work harder i had various duties and i was dedicated to my job so i tried to keep going through it and thought maybe he would leave me alone then i remember the TDY a little it was a few guys from my job and me we went to work at another base and were staying at a hotel and i remember my supervisor coming to my door and i he said i needed to go with the guys over the boarder to mexico because they wanted to go drink and party and i didnt want to go so i said i wasnt going and i remember he threatened me and said that if i didnt go no one was going i remember the guys making jokes and shit that i wasnt a team player because we had gone to a restaurant and there was a SGT with us from the other base and i remember he was asking me if i was ok ..i remember him asking if i was ok with what was being said and i think the MEO office contacted him later im not sure he was really nice and i think he cared about me looking back now but i dont know what happened anymore its all a mess mentally i cant like put it all together its all scattered around i remember calling my sons father we werent engaged yet we were just friends then and he was mad and i remember he was going to drive to the base it was like 5 hrs away from where we were stationed but my supervisor threatened me and said he couldnt come there but my sons father i think wanted to kill my supervsir at the time i remember he was on the phone and going to drive to the base i feel really sick i

once i started prostituting after the military, i think i just left the building mentally i think to cope i dunno? after the events in the military ... u know like i was a pretty girl or whatever and like mad guys come at me no matter where i go ...prior to and after the military i always had guys all up in my face no matter where i went ...and no matter what u say sometimes guys just dont get the xxxxxxx hint like leave me alone means leave me the xxxx alone it doesnt work like that in the military once u have someone in charge of u its so different i told my chief months into the harassment and asked if i could be assigned a new supervisor and he said "well i dont see a problem with that" and i asked for a new supervisor but he said no so i just kept taking it and tried to be strong but i remember crying in the bathroom at work and then wiping my face and trying to go back to work after things he was saying to me when i first got to the base he wouldnt leave me alone he acted way friendly at first like he cared about my best interests then anything i needed to do like for example he said that i needed to get a paper i had to go to the dorms and he was like oh im coming with u (i was new to the military at this time and didnt fully understand his responsibilities over me but i felt uncomfortable with him wanting to come to my room)... so getting this paper from my dorm and he followed me there but he was interested in one thing only looking back to the beginning now and i remember he sat on my bed watching me when i was looking for the paper and now i know from day one he saw me not as his supervisee but he saw me differently...he was a married man and i was not interested in him in the slightest bit he grossed me out.. but no matter what i did he was like he's in charge of me basically and in the beginning i didnt understand but now i fully understand why he acted so friendly in the beginning he was like oh u need a car i have a car for sale and then him being friendly turned into him being really threatening and controlling...i was pretty and he had a control issue or something and as things got worse and worse he went from someone saying he cared about my best interests to threatening my career in the military after that as time went on i just got more and more afraid i dunno anymore what happened once i came home i was so a mess and then guys were coming at me like they used to and i flipped out...im ok w/ guys now as long as they dont seem dominant in anyway like i have guy friends but only guys who are like really mellow or sensitive or like not controlling but if like a guy comes at me that seems dominant i have this radar that goes off and i panic ive lost a lot of my looks at this point so mostly guys leave me alone now and i feel better but there was a point i was in severe panic mode now im wondering if my minds splitting away i dunno anymore wtf has happened

so another words i think i had enough trauma to split my mind the mind splitting? i go off into another world i guess now how can this happen to me i dont understand anymore i dunno if im developing multi-personality i dunno what the hell is happening anymore i def have major trauma i dunno i think like my mind is splitting away? i think im developing multi-personalities im not positive but i think so

My Axis I think says Bipolar then Axis II is PTSD/MST The only thing is that I was diagnosed BP by a civilian doc when I went into psychosis after I left the military. I was having hallucinations but looking back that didn't happen to that extreme again, at the time i was in severe fear/trauma after the events so the hallucinations were extreme and i was admitted into the hospital for 2 weeks. After that no doc ever questioned the BP I just kept getting meds for BP disorder but I think my Diagnosis should be Axis I PTSD/MST. Axis II OCD I dont believe I have BP disorder I believe it's PTSD-> OCD ->DISSOCIATION and because the anxiety was never treated i just rolled and rolled with it for way too long As soon as a civilian doc saw me in psychosis i was diagnosed BP but i dont think that civilian doc realized i had just come out of the military or even considered PTSD i saw him for like 20 mins and he diagnosed BP i think there are a lot of misdiagnosises right now of military people in PTSD because civilian docs dont know what they are looking at

I just have to focus and focus and stay focused If I lose it again I'll lose sight of what I need to do I need to get anxiety medication or something on the 8th the Va has to look at my anxiety disorder because i am pretty sure i have severe anxiety at this point and it's gone on for a long time untreated so i need to talk to my doc about my anxiety and how my episodes start i also need to keep working on unhoarding things (I've thrown out a lot of mess) i had boxes of paperwork piled up for the past few years and im slowly getting through the mess i didnt want to face so i feel good about that so i made progress this week i have to start an na program for addictions this week and hopefully that might ease some of my ocd symptoms needing to do something with myself...i talked to an PTSD/MST survivor recently who went through treatment and she said that the generalized meeting really helped her overcome some of the things i also need to organize these va documents so i can keep focused on them so they dont end up in boxes again and try not to get lost doing this i need to stay off the conspiracy theory websites because that is not making things better i have a friend who is in medical that wants to look over my health tests over the past month so im gathering them from around town i had a few hospital visits because of pains i was having so i gotta organize my physical health documents and give them to him to look at the VA wants to run some more physical tests on the 8th i just had blood work done and some things i need to talk to my physician about, my UTI is clearing up after 2 rounds of heavier antibiotics but they are going to do some further testing on my kidney keep doing positive things and not look backwards too much and move forward or ill end up off the wall again.

I'm sorry I was zoning out last night I think I'm going to try to stay on point and not lose it mentally I know I have health issues, I'm pretty sure my immune system is compromised now so I just need to worry about my health and recovery and that's it On the 28th of Nov I caught the flu and got very very sick which threw me into an episode afterwards. At the time I swore my immune system attacked itself (inside pains) and I didn't understand why but now that I'm reading about PTSD and it can compromise the immune system I kinda understand more. I was positve my immune sys attacked itself after I got the flu but I was like what autoimmune issue do I have because before the flu I had energy but after the flu I was very run down and that's when I found out there is something going on with my kidney. I'm reading about a link between PTSD and kidneys too so I just gotta worry about getting better and not thinking too much. If someone can just delete this thread I'd appreciate it I shouldnt be talking about what happened at all.

Something really really weird happened ( from 2005-2007) ? ill get back after i get some sleep

This says that pregnant women were used and what not, is it bull? I went psychotic really fast and then prostitution it just doesn't make sense cause im not like that or i wasn't. Citizens Commission on Human Rights International | Mental Health Watchdog HomeAbout UsPsychiatric DrugsPsychiatric DisordersCCHR IssuesAlternativesVideos<H2 class=pagetitle>Posts Tagged ‘mind control experiments’</H2><H3 id=post-2045>The CIA Mind Control Doctors: From Harvard to Guantanamo</H3>Thursday, September 3rd, 2009 by Colin A. Ross Psychiatrist, Author, The CIA Doctors, Military Mind Control and Project Bluebird My book, The CIA Doctors, is based on 15,000 pages of documents I received from the CIA through the Freedom of Information Act and dozens of papers published in medical journals. These papers report the results of research funded by the Air Force Office of Scientific Research, the Department of the Army, the Office of Naval Research and the CIA. From 1950 to 1972, the CIA funded TOP SECRET research at many leading universities including Harvard, Yale, Cornell, Johns Hopkins and Stanford. There was a series of CIA mind control programs including BLUEBIRD, ARTICHOKE, MKULTRA, MKSEARCH and MKNAOMI. MKULTRA and related programs had several over-lapping purposes. One was to purchase mind control drugs from suppliers. Another was to form relationships with researchers who might later be used as consultants at the TOP SECRET level. The core purpose of these programs was to learn how to enhance interrogations, erase and insert memories, and create and run Manchurian Candidates. All of this is described clearly and explicitly in the declassified CIA documents, which provide a glimpse into the tip of the iceberg of CIA and military mind control. The CIA mind control experiments were interwoven with radiation, chemical and biological weapons experiments conducted on children, comatose patients, pregnant women, the general population and other unwitting groups who had no idea they were subjects in secret experiments. Radiation, bacteria and funguses were released over urban areas. A large cloud of radiation was released over Spokane during OPERATION GREEN RUN; plutonium was injected into a comatose patient in Boston by Dr. William Sweet, a member of the Harvard brain electrode team; plutonium was placed in the cereal of mentally handicapped children at the Fernald School in New England; 751 pregnant women were injected with plutonium at Vanderbilt University; the bacteria serratia maracens was released into the air in San Francisco, resulting in a series of infections and plutonium was injected into an amputee at the University of Rochester. All these experiments were conducted without any informed consent or meaningful follow-up. Hallucinogens, marijuana, amphetamines and other drugs were administered to imprisoned narcotic addicts in Lexington, Kentucky, terminal cancer patients at Georgetown University Hospital, hospitalized sex offenders at Ionia State Hospital in Michigan and johns picked by prostitutes hired by the CIA in San Francisco and New York. Most of these experiments were conducted by psychiatrists with TOP SECRET clearance. These included Louis Jolyon West, Chairman of the Department of Psychiatry at the University of Oklahoma and later at UCLA; Dr. Robert Hyde in Boston; Dr. Carl Rogers at the University of Wisconsin; Dr. Martin Orne at Harvard; Dr. Charles Osgood at the University of Illinois; Dr. James Hamilton at Stanford; Dr. Charles Geschichter at the University of Richmond and Dr. Harold Abramson and Dr. Harold Wolff at Cornell. Other TOP SECRET-cleared MKULTRA contractors included Dr. Maitland Baldwin, a neurosurgeon at the National Institutes of Health and Dr. Carl Pfeiffer, a pharmacologist at Emory. The CIA doctors violated all medical codes of ethics dating back to Hippocrates, including the Nuremberg Code. The experimental subjects were not told the real purpose of the experiments, did not give informed consent, were not afforded outside counsel and received no meaningful follow-up. As described by the psychiatrists in published papers, experiments with LSD and other hallucinogens, combined with sensory deprivation, electroshock and other interrogation techniques, resulted in psychosis and death among other “side effects.” The purpose of these experiments was to see how easily a person could be put into a psychotic state or controlled. In a series of MKULTRA projects, the CIA paid a former Bureau of Narcotics officer, George White, to set up safe houses in San Francisco and New York that were decorated like brothels. George White then hired prostitutes to pick up johns at bars, bring them back to the safe house, give them LSD without their knowledge, and then have sex with them. The CIA officers watched the sex through one-way mirrors. The project documents state that the purpose of the experiments was to test the effects of LSD on unwitting subjects under field conditions that mimicked an interrogation of a foreign operative. In one of the memos contained in the MKULTRA files for these projects, however, another purpose of the safe house operation is revealed. The CIA was actually testing the performance of “Jekyll-Hyde” identities they had created in the prostitutes. They wanted to see if they could make female spies or female agents with alternate controllable personalities. Another purpose of these experiments was to test the CIA’s Manchurian Candidate prostitutes under conditions that mimicked a field operation. The johns were given LSD as part of the cover for testing the CIA’s female Manchurian Candidates prior to their use in actual operations (the mission being to have sex with and extract information from targets). The recruitment of street prostitutes provided an additional layer of cover for the testing of the Manchurian Candidates, plus it provided free live pornography for the CIA officers. In other experiments, conducted by Dr. Jose Delgado at Yale and Drs. Vernon Mark, Frank Ervin and William Sweet at Harvard, brain electrodes were implanted in people and their mental state and behavior was controlled from a remote radio transmitter box. These experiments were conducted with funding from the Office of Naval Research. In experiments at Tulane funded by the CIA and the Army, implantation of brain electrodes was combined with injecting mescaline and other substances directly into the experimental subjects’ brains. BLUEBIRD, ARTICHOKE and MKULTRA were the precursors of present-day enhanced interrogation programs used by the CIA at secret prisons outside the United States. Water-boarding, electric shock, hooding, prolonged sleep deprivation, death threats and other techniques discussed in the Senate and Congress and in the media, are, in my opinion, elements of a limited hangout, a CIA strategy in which a little bit of the truth is revealed in order to cover up the greater part of the truth. None of these experiments or operational programs would be possible without the participation of doctors, psychiatrists and psychologists. The doctors are directly involved in testing the interrogation techniques and monitoring their effects. The purpose of mind control experiments is controlling human behavior: making enemy combatants open up during interrogation; protecting secret information by erasing memories; making spies more resistant to interrogation because secret information is held by hidden identities and making people more prone to influence, social control and suggestion. It has nothing to do with medical treatment, easing suffering or curing disease. The mind control experiments and operational programs violate basic human rights and all codes of medical ethics. Dr. Colin Ross is a psychiatrist, internationally renowned researcher, author and lecturer. In addition to The CIA Doctors and Military Mind Control, he is also author of Project Bluebird, in which he exposes unethical experiments conducted by psychiatrists to create amnesia, new identities, hypnotic access codes, and new memories in the minds of experimental subjects. His research is based on 15,000 pages of documents obtained under the Freedom of Information Act. Dr. Ross is a past president of the International Society for the Study of Dissociation. He is the founder and President of the Colin A. Ross Institute for Psychological Trauma. Colin A. Ross (2006). The CIA Doctors: Human Rights Violations By American Psychiatrists. Richardson, TX: Manitou Communications.

If I contacted for FOIA docs and they said that I needed to contact the Sec of DOD is there anyway i could be a part of something i'm not aware of how long does it take before full FOIA documents are released to the public and under what circumstances are they totally denied? I mean I know this sounds weird but also the past years since 2005 have been more then weird for me & i gotta keep it quiet for right now but it gets weirder much much weirder & way beyond mental health probs explain

this is going to sound crazy (and i know how it's gonna sound) - and I'm still up of course because i never sleep anymore!!!! which hopefully is just the case.... but i am not a stupid person by any means. i may have lost my mental health but i am still somewhat intelligent even if i can't hold a conversation anymore w/o making much sense. i have common sense and i look at things from every aspect.... this is off the wall for me but... considering the way my mental health demolished so quickly it doesn't make sense what happened when i came home and even in mental health terms it still doesn't make sense. the drastic mental health decline so fast... ive been doing a lot of reading and i understand the PTSD might have just caused all the mess....but i came home and i started hallucinating severely (at the time i kept it to myself) and having audio hallucinations ... the onset was sharp and quick considering the time frame, the trauma and everything and then how i now have horrible mental health this is just going to come out sounding crazy but... i read some stuff on this mind control experiments and also some testing that was being done at the same time frame my events occurred and also i was at one of the main bases that is an underground testing facility and one of the main bases for new technologies and research supposedly according to these whacky websites the base i was at is a main spot... im wondering if this is just way off the track but is there anyway i could have been a prime candidate for testing i wasn't aware of? if the govt is going to do testing on someone, do they by law need approval? would you be notified or would you have to agree to any experiments? i was reading about this stuff from 04-05 called Inner Voice Target Tracking Behavioral Influence Technologies and some things i'm just going to keep to myself right now about what happened in the aftermath but is there any possibility that the govt is doing mind control experiments on people without their knowledge? say for example after a harassment incident because i spoke up maybe they wanted to get back at me? or considered me for something i wasnt aware of? i know that sounds nutzo but from things ive read and ive brushed it off before and just said no i just have mental health probs now that's all conspiracy theory nonsense... but the more i consider what happened and how fast it happened i have to question things at this point some things just don't make any kind of common sense in the aftermath... im not gonna give up too much info but something weird happened that is way beyond the scope of mental health problems i wasn't too sure how i went from one person to another person so fast overnight, it didnt make sense at all, i had like intense impulse to do things like prostitution for example that totally goes against my grain (or did) it gets weirder actually but i dont wanna get into too many details right now i also dont wanna come off like a complete whack job but that's what happened to me im considering like the fact i was drinking coffee and stuff like that but that was actually more in the later of the mental health decline... can anyone tell me if actual experiments are taking place or is that just conspiracy theory websites and nonsense? like right now im hearing a beeping churp sound and i dont understand certain things that have happened at all does the gov have a right to test on someone without their knowledge or consent?

what happened is just really weird u know if someone can just delete this whole thread i would appreciate it i dunno what happened anymore i gotta work it out in therapy w the va thankfully my appointment is in a few days i dunno how i go from a freedom loving patriotic american girl to like a friggen dumpster diving prostitute it just doesnt make sense anymore even to me how could this happen to my life you know?? the base this happened at has a bad history of occurances and i dunno wtf happened anymore it was so quick and the spiral was downhill so fast my morals are against the things i was doing and i have a high moral ground or at least i used to...i dont understand how this could happen to me you know???????? im from upper middle class i friggen dropped out of society and became a friggen prositute and everything else how does this happen??

The mess afterwards I have to face from but the more I read the more I know I'm not alone and I've been speaking with other women who have PTSD/MST that don't talk about those things but it is not uncommon...I didn't know how I ended up in that mess but after i stopped caring about myself totally i guess thats what happened This is a good article about PTSD, Violence Against Women, and Posttraumatic Stress Disorder It talks more in depth about dissociation and what not so it just added to my trauma more after the PTSD set in i didnt give a f about myself anymore http://www.prostitutionresearch.com/ProsVi...trauStress.html

if a mod can delete this thread it would be appreciated i shouldnt be talking about the things that happened afterwards it was such a mess i just stopped caring about my body and my life but im caring again so that's all that matters and getting myself healthy again i need a starting over outlook because if i look back anymore i wont be able to live u know?

in the aftermath i didn't care about myself anymore so that is what i feel like i lost i stopped caring, i let any man have sex w/ me as long as he didnt seem dominant and come at me i was degrading myself in the aftermath, i hated myself horribly, i almost killed myself a few times but i stopped myself (once almost swallowed pills but i coughed them up), when the OCD set in i started to worry in that survival mode type thing where all u want to do is survive but u arent thinking clearly, i was hoarding stuff in my home including weapons at one point (small weapons like tazer guns to protect myself and pepper spray stuff like that) and also hoarding food and other items (i guess mentally i went to war or something?), doing weird things OCDing about money and worries and trying to make it while i couldn't hold a job in the years afterwards as my mental health got worse, i was ending up homeless then i'd get it together and be ok for a while and then homeless again, it was a mess...that is what i feel like i lost my life not who i am u know and then i became someone else after the events it was horrible im ok that im self aware now but its hard to stay positive because u know like u destroyed ur life so bad afterwards its hard to live with myself but i will survive this

Can a mod delete this whole thread I dont know why I am even talking about this im so over it.

I was so smart before I joined the military and now my mental health I can hardly keep a normal conversation or write anymore. As far as I'm concerned at this point the perpetrator should have been charged with attempted murder to an unborn child. I'm done playing nice anymore, I suffer paranoia, hallucinations, flashbacks, I went through walking around town being afraid of men and hallucinating that men were in uniform, there is nothing that can fix the years I've lost. I dont give a shit if they deny my claim anymore I'm going to ensure that this information goes right back to the DOD and I make it clear to them how much the improperly treated situation destroyed my life I know the Secretary of the DOD has my case because it was one of the more severe 2004 cases and Memos started coming down from the DOD to the base and other bases on how to "properly handle harassment situations" immediately after the events. I still had a little of my mind left in the beginning of coming home but now I've got hardly memory or hardly any mental health left. I saved some of the memos and documents in 2004 and this stuff continues to happen, there have been some good changes over the past few years for womens services but honestly it needs to be increased a great deal. Women shouldn't have to wait years later to get into the VA for healthcare. The first time I walked into a VA office to ask for help I was so paranoid and afraid I talked to the guy at the desk but the military symbols on the wall scared me and he told me I needed to check into Gainsville but I was so afraid I left. Then later I tried to get into the VA clinic but I was told at the front door I needed to file a claim before I could be seen. Only after talking to a representative from an MST organization did I find out that there was a law that stated I didn't need to be connected to be seen, I had to print it out and bring it in to get treatment because the clinic had no idea I could get medical treatment there. Going through the mess from 2005-2007 when I was the worst was really really a mess.

I don't want to talk about it but yes he busted up into my TDY hotel room and that is in the MEO statement That is the MST, afterwards PTSD onset because I was getting to be a total mess and then I was making bad decisions (looking back now if I knew I was about to go through severe PTSD I wouldn't have brought a child into the world knowing my mental health would go downhill)...I clung to my childs father at the time which was a bad time to decide to have a child, our plan at that point was for us to start a family but I was staying in the military, I got pregnant and then the harasser did not stop at work, he continued to make jokes, humiliate me worse, tell me i shouldnt be getting engaged and pregnant then he joked and said i could do anything a non-pregnant person could do. He sent me out to the flight line laughing w/ the guys in the shop and i unloaded a c-130 (30, 75 lb. bags) pregnant by myself (throwing them from the c-130 to the truck) (i had also climbed into the aircraft) and then I was in the hospital with sharp pains. The docs did testing and said I had two hemmorages to the placenta and that most likely I wouldnt have my child. I then was put on bedrest, bleeding for a few weeks, and the perpetrator (my supervisor) kept calling my cell phone and saying things to me on the phone like i should "get back to work", a few weeks my placenta stopped bleeding i went back to work, and by that point i walked into work and my harasser was still not leaving me alone, i went to the Master Sgt and I said I wanted to seperate from the military, I went to the commanders office and i was in tears by that point, that is when Military Equal Opportunity stepped in. From there a month long investigation started and I spent the month in fear honestly it felt like I was being blamed for what happened. There is nothing like that feeling in the world. In the very beginning of the investigation my security clearance was taken away. Later at the end of the investigation MEO called me into their office and that is when I got the records and they said he was found guilty. My commander told me I wasn't allowed to know what happens to him but later I found out through a friend at the base that he was demoted in rank. I worked hard at my job everyday and no matter how hard I worked the harasser would not leave me alone so for the last years I was in so much pain from losing my career that was the hardest, regret, anger, self blame, etc. i went through a range of emotions over the years but now I've got one emotion and that's total anger for the way it was handled, I should have been thrown into mental health immediately at that point not sent home a mess in PTSD, i wish someone would have put me in mental health then so i didn't go on to totally destroy the rest of the life I had left in the aftermath.

There are 3 female vet. organizations that know about my case now and have given me support there was one point where I was very a mess and I was getting phone calls from Veteran women across the country. I don't remember a lot from the past years of mess but I had various phone calls at different times of people telling me to get my documents sent to the VA (I'm glad because I was almost about to lose a deadline once) and I was able to make copies and get them sent in. The legal service in Washington is Lawyers Serving Warriors NVLSP and the various people I've spoken to are from SWAN (Service Womens Action Network), VetWOW, and got some phone calls from other women who had MST and had good advice. During the investigation back when it happened I had called this 1800 number during the investigation because I started getting fearful about my rights (it was turned on me at first, but then later I got an apology from the Commander who said it will never happen again under his chain of command). During the investigation honestly that was very traumatic to me, I felt like it was going to be turned on me but thankfully a bunch of the SGT's that were in my workplace all confirmed the things that they saw the perpetrator do over a years time (things like he tripped me working once), humiliating me, etc. etc.. I think some of the other guys I worked with were tired of it honestly so I was lucky I had good guys I worked with who told the truth. I worked with 20 men, no females there.

MST, You posted, "Evidence of PTSD onset prior to Pregnancy" VBA is going to be looking for Evidence of the MST. carlie Yes something happened prior to the pregnancy during the year that I was harassed. People think pregnancy and think it is related to the incidents but it is not. The MST events are in the MEO statement and were confirmed by the MEO Office, the perpetrator was found guilty of 5 counts total (harassment and discrimination the MEO office stated) and they demoted him in rank in the end. Looking back now I should have spoke up more about the bleeding being his cause but I was very afraid by that point. There is a small mention about it in my MEO statement and I've since highlighted it and added the additional evidence. The assault on my unborn child (as far as I'm concerned his illegal orders almost leading to my child being killed is also assault to me now), also would be a second traumatic event after the MST had already onset which might have sped up my PTSD because by the time I got into the investigation I was very very anxiety and a mess. It had already gone on (the threats and harassment) for so long that I was a mess by the time the investigations started. Meaning I went through the harassment for the year prior to the pregnancy. The reason I got pregnant (later) was because I knew my sons father we lived next door to each other and I thought I fell in love, looking back now I know I clung to him for safety/security during the worst time (after incidents), we talked about starting a family and I got pregnant so we had sexual relations after the harassment and occurances had already happened, once I got pregnant, the perpetrator laughed and said I shouldn't be pregnant or getting engaged and the harassment continued almost leading to losing my child. Once I was bleeding on bedrest, the harasser was even calling me laughing while I spent a month bleeding. That's when the investigations started. After that I seperated with honerable discharge. I was so stressed by the end of the military investigation (which lasted 1 month) and after the bleeding I was just beyond my limit of what I could handle anymore. I really wanted to stay in the military so I have a lot of guilt and remorse and for a long time self blame but that is starting to go away and I'm starting to get angry now. I'm not blaming myself anymore, my supervisor (the perpetrator) not only ruined my life at that point in time (my military career) but then I lost so much of my life in the aftermath. Sorry I don't want to get into more details about the incidents specifically, I do ok some times but then I get dissociated and don't make sense to people so I'm sorry if I'm sounding scattered a bit.

Yes actually the VA is handling my mental health care now It took a long time to get in but I'm in finally So far the docs have actually been wonderful So much better then the civilian docs and I think they understand PTSD more then the docs I've seen. On the 8th I have an appointment for follow up, looking at my kidney issue more in depth (they ran a series of tests just before the holidays) on the 8th i'm also seeing mental health So far I am VERY happy with the VA (centers/hospitals) but the claims process is the VA part I'm mad at. I have no issue with the Va and the one here has been great once I finally got in. I've never been admitted for inpatient but I go for outpatient visits and im going to address my new concerns with my doc on the 8th. I took the advice about getting a lawyer and there is an organization in Washington I'm not going to say the name here but I contacted them. I sent them a package of the documents and they have been great contacting me and they are looking into the case now. They said the VA failed to send them documents on their request date but that now they have the document files from the VA too and a lawyer is looking them over. It's an organization of lawyers that do pro bono work for veterans and I feel better knowing that they have the docs, if they pickup the case then I think I will not be handling it myself anymore I should know if they do pretty soon and the DRO is looking at it in NY The docs at the clinic i go to have been looking at my overall health and my doc knows the truth about the aftermath, i told her how i destroyed my body and she is great she tells me not to get involved in the bad stuff and to treat my body with respect now so I really have caring doctors both mental health and physical health. On the 8th I have organized a list of things I need to talk to the mental health doc about and hopefully my meds can be straightened out now that i know how my episodes start and it's with anxiety that rolls and rolls and rolls. I've been in a light episode since the 28th of Nov. now but I'm glad it happened otherwise I wouldn't know my health concerns because I was just going and going and not stopping to think about my health.

ok i made this thing on media file it organizes documents and seperated the catagories im going to send it to you privately because i cant take my information off the docs there are too many this is the catagory i made so far Commander email correspondence Copy of OJT Record Evidence of PTSD onset prior to Pregnancy FOIA Denial Homeless Shelter Documents Illegal Orders Medical Flight Line Illegal Orders- Selling Vehicle Military Equal Opportunity Case Files Proof that I was a hardworking AMN PTSD Mental Health Documents Security Clearance Taken Away TDY Incident This way I can scan the documents and drop them into the folders Please note this has my sensitive information so I'm sending privately http://' target="_blank">

I'm a mile high in gov docs right now and totally triggered or whatever they call it ...trying to organize this so and scan i totally fall apart looking at these papers everytime i try to go back to this everything just falls apart

It's so hard to talk about this stuff but I got to be honest w/ myself and be honest w/ docs. You don't wanna tell a doc yo I was about to get violent at my kid and i was ready to go get violent with anyone who came into my boundary in a dominant manner....so you keep it inside and you go around in a circle with this kind of illness and don't know what's going on and when u do talk to docs ur thrown on meds that make things worse ..i've really really struggled over the years and struggled on my own, i cant do this on my own anymore that i know. I think thus far I've handled it ok considering the mess but Ive been aware of myself and just struggling and struggling and no one seems to understand. I've made some good veteran friends with PTSD recently so i'm feeling better that im not alone in this. I'll scan those docs in just a few mins looking for them now

My first mental health hospital check in was after i had my son it was quite some time later for my first hospitalization...no one really knows why I did what I did but I had looked at my son and honestly i was so depressed and dissociating I was going to hit him but I pulled myself back and immediately (frantically actually) gave over custody and checked myself into a mental health hospital. I've gotten a lot of verbal slack (gossip) about my actions from fam/others who have no idea what i went through and why i checked myself into mental health....i was never honest with them either but i dont care what people say anymore... I knew in my heart that if I wanted to hit my child I wasn't right in the skull so I did what I had to do and kept him away from me. I love my child more then the entire world, he's my light in the darkness and mothers have this instinct i guess that is more powerful then anything else.... I was def. about to get violent and I quickly gave over custody and even tho i didnt know what was going on (now i do looking back) at the time, im glad i did what i had to do. I guess this is why they say the cycle of abuse and all those things because someone who has been abused has a high chance of abuse but i still think that positivitiy and the soul has got to be stronger then darkness and negative things u know?

One really important thing is that I don't want to be violent so I got myself away from my son when I realized that I wasn't right in the mind...I basically went into a like protective mode and kept myself away from him knowing I was off. I just kept dealing with the thoughts flying at me (violent thoughts I guess along with other things rapid flying thoughts, dissociation, etc. etc. etc.) so I figured out a way to protect myself and protect my child and everything else in the aftermath while i dealt w/ the whacko stuff that happened to my brain... i know in my heart that is not who i am so that has gotten me to this point i am at today. i think that because i was always a loving caring person this nasty illness that has onset can be overcame i hope i really hope. violence isnt really in my nature and the PTSD is what makes me get really anxiety crazy and i think if the anxiety can be handled and the OCD and other stuff can be worked through then i have some kinda chance at battling this horrible illness.