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my3jcc

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About my3jcc

  • Birthday 10/14/1963

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  1. Thanks for all your advice and support. I am now inpatient for the second time "PTSD treatment program" in Cali. Checked in Feb 2010 and been here for the past 60 days. It has helped control my behavior I just have to keep my fingers crossed I can use the skills taught in the real world. I'll be discharged in two weeks...feeling alittle scared. Thank you again for your words of wisdom and guidance. You saved me from myself. XO
  2. That kind of thinking is exactly what I'm saying. The more I have expressed myself the more I feel like I'm being tested from this va psychiatrist. I also think that "what does the va want me to be...go totally psycho on them or does va really want to help?" Me going for help hasn't been easy. I don't just wake up in the morning and have breakfast and happy to be alive...I know this is not the case for the total va system...but from my end...the impression is quite down grading it's like as if I owe them something. What ever it is that's bugging this psychiatrist I wish this attitude would be directed to the source of the cause. Maybe ptsd is to overwelming for some psychiatrists to handle on a day to day basis (seeing numerous vets a day 5 days a week)
  3. Public Intoxication is a familiar road. Driving under the influence never bothered me...even when I was pulled over the cops knew my car and would let me go (just because I was once on the force). Little do they know I needed to be locked up and instead would let me go back on the road this was not helping but added to my obnoxiousness (sp?) and feeling of being invisible. That I could do anything to anybody without having to face any consequences for my action. I can see how I've been crying out for help. Where do we go from here? my3jcc
  4. It's strange that you mentioned you get this twice a year...you made me realize that this time of the year from August to January was when I was exposed to a matter of survival and leaned towards dissassociation just to live through it. If you don't mind me asking-what meds are helping you? And as far as medical staff...I feel like 95% of them haven't been there and only text book junkies. I hope you continue to better health and wish, I, one day could say the same. Thank you. my3jcc
  5. Thanks carlie for this info. I feel like I'm cornered into making a decision that could relatively give me more problems to deal with. But I guess that's not the point I should be focusing on. You mentioned "...to try and learn is better ways to respond to stressor's". I'm wanting to know this. What am I not trying that I should be doing? Where else can I go to be in more control of my actions? ER...I think might take care of this present problem but are there other learned areas that could help me after I get out into the real world again? Thanks had-it, my3jcc
  6. Thanks for the response...I mean it thank you. It's good to know someone is out there...but also a surprise. I see what your saying--that I should go and fight for this. But when does this power trip end with the va?? All I want is a chance...to live normally as can be. But I will give it another try.
  7. I haven't been on this site since about a month ago. I was suicidal and wanted to lash out. Since then the people around me that I had learned to trust has violated that trust. I went to my va psychiatrist to get help...I also called the hotline and ended up hanging up on him (I don't know why...all I can say it's a matter of trusting who really knows what to do.) I'm tired of explaining how or what I'm feeling. It's not a matter of what I'm feeling...it's a matter of how out of control my head/brain/thinking is. If it's quiet-there's a loud buzzing sound in my head. I turn on the radio and/or tv so that I won't hear it. I get so angry. Just excuse my jibber and let me let you know who I am. I am a u.s. army veteran and have been diagnosed from the va psychiatrist with PTSD in 2003 I did not file for compensation until 4 years later, Feb 2007, and was notified just a few weeks ago 70%PTSD. The va counselor insisted that I sign a few forms (Unemployability and Vocab Rehab???) I really don't care about all this. What I care about is my life...my anger. I hate living like this. It's very hard for me to even think of setting foot out of my front door without my insides turning upside down. I had a trigger 4 days ago (more disturbing than all the others) sent me reaching out because I felt like hurting someone (instead I went out to the parking lot with a bucket of paint and starting smearing profanity words all over the persons vehicle---haha this was about 2:30am). I warned him I'll kill him in his sleep. I really wish I could but I'm too caring. I've been on line hunting someone down planning his accidental death. I've told this to the va psychiatrist friday and wanted to be locked up/put away...but was told the mental facility is consisted of two wards and overbooked. It was suggested that I get a hotel room away from the stressor/trigger and get better food than what the the facility could ever offer. What? It's not about the food or getting away...it's about pain and how I'm planning to self medicate (with killing or be killed). Can anybody tell me how they survived this craziness (if it happened to you??) After the military I joined the civilian police force (training was very hard to get through-cadre thought I was out of control or maybe weak/crazy/emotionally distrubed) They graduated me anyway. Reported for duty intoxicated (this time I let it be known) confronted innocent people then had an altercation with the luetenant (supervisor) on duty-got in my vehicle and revved up the engine while he was on the sidewalk and scared him. Made me laugh. Aimed straight towards him. haha. I had earlier threw down my weapon I dared him. I was crazy and stupid. But that's what I mean...I don't want to know how far my thoughts will become reality. Guess I don't have to tell you what happened to that so called job (to protect--from me??) I take flouxetine and buproprion. I was on Aripriprizole (sp?) but my va psychiatrist says I need to feel my feelings so took me off of it earlier this year. Doc explained wanted to put me on as little meds as possible and use the grounding skills taught at Menlo Park, Cali (inpatient 2006). Grounding skills...another temporary power of the mind va solution. Now they want me to return and talk about the trauma in depth because they feel this is best. I can't it's turns my brain into a food processer (maybe that's where all the noise is coming from...haha). Anybody out there that can relate?? please email or comment back. sorry for the blah blah. Take care and God Bless. my3jcc
  8. Thanks for replying. I've been trying to ground..but I'm so angry I feel like destroying whatever is around me including this computer. I just need time. All of this compensation and c&p really makes me even madder...due to the fact I've been living with this and my alcohol for over 20 years and now I feel helpless without a drink to get drunk. sometimes the alcohol would give me the strength to follow through. All I want is to make someone hurt who deserves it. There I go again. I'm scared of myself because I really do feel I have the capabilities now, even without alcohol, to follow through. I know this sounds pathetic.
  9. Well I did what people wanted me to do. Now I am confused. It didn't help me any better. I feel worse. I can feel anger and to hurt someone. I stopped drinking a year ago. I usually have a drink now when I feel this way. the voices are coming around like before. Alot of anger. It's sunday over here and I can't get a hold of my psychiatrists and counselor. The message on the phone said in case of an emergency go to ER. But, I can't do that. People will know and put me inside. I can't do that. Hurting someone else or even killing always goes through my mind...that's why I want to kill myself instead. Has anybody else got this reaction after a c&p? I've gone through the national center for ptsd in menlo cali two years ago. Anxieties are rising and then I can't think. I'm hoping this helps.
  10. I'm new to this website...I am thankful to have found it and, unfortunately, being able to read some incredible similar problems that other vets are experiencing. I got out of active duty service over 20 years ago. Diagnosed with PTSD, MST and Hypothyroidism in 2003. I have been receiving psychiatric treatment; counseling and medication to try and help alleviate my symptoms. Since 1984 I have been throwing my life away slowly..not caring about myself and expecially never trusting anybody. I have been isolating and up to this day do not feel safe leaving my home. I have been through the National Center for PTSD (WTRP) inpatient program and have learned various life saving tools in managing my anxieties. I had been asked so many times if I filed a claim throughout the years and I would get so confused as to why this was important...couldn't people see I just wanted help...I was suicidal. But, with the help of medication I can see that suicide is not the only option I have to escape from flashbacks and night terrors...and abnormal behaviors. I know now that "I am not alone." I submitted my claim in for PTSD in 2007 with no assistance (by choice). I was affraid to let anybody see what was wrong with me or the details. I received a denial 7 months later. I then sent in a NOD and currently still in the waiting. After uncovering this website and reading numerous entries I now am wondering if submitting my claim w/o assistance was a wise choice. Can I submitt another claim for my hypothyroidism-speep apnea while I still have the PTSD pending?
  11. I, also, have the same question. My VA psychiatrist has scheduled a sleep study for me. The appointment for this overnight study was initially scheduled about a month ago - but I cancelled and said I was unable to make it due to illness. The office where I am to take this study called yesterday and rescheduled for today (7:30pm - in about 12 hours from now). This is triggering so many anxieties...thinking about being somewhere else other than in my own home-bedroom-bed where I still am trying to talk myself into believing it's safe. Do you know what I mean? It's hard enough having to deal with my day to day anxieties. I was diagnosed with PTSD, MST in 2003 and have had continuous treatments/medications to try to help me overcome my anxieties. These anxieties interfer with my daily activities. Isolation has helped me control my anxieties...I know it's wrong...but I can't help it. It hurts!!!!!! I'm scared and I don't know how to use the skills taught to me from the National Center for PTSD for this particular situation. I sit here in tears (I hardly slept last night and just cried over this...this). It (the memories) hurts so bad!!!!!!!!! I know that I can take this as a challenge and just apply the skills to make this all work out. But the pain I'm experiencing is becoming unbearable. Help!!!! And the clock keeps ticking away. So that's why I'm here...asking anybody out there is this sleep study really necessary
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