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This is EXTREMELY humiliating but I don't know where else to go for anonymous help. Please be gentle, I'm not proud of my past. I had posted in the PTSD forum, but I can be more specific here since my issues stem from MST. I have some issues from my childhood, I do have a psych history including suicide attempt at age 9 (which I didn't even remember until after I was at my first duty station), verbally and possibly physically abusive step fathers (5 total), my mother walked out several times when I was a child and told my dad she didn't want me and wouldn't call me for months, my step-brother sexually abused me when we were around 7 years old, I was in a rehab center for teens for cutting myself when I was 12...I lost my virginity to alcohol induced rape at 17 and joined the marines about a year and a half later to make something of myself. I was involved in a party after boot camp when I was in my MOS school and a group of army guys passed myself and my drunk friend around at a party and had their way with us. I started having a lot of problems after that and became a heavy alcohol user and extremely promiscuous the next 4 years of my enlistment. Most of my encounters happened when I was too drunk to remember or even walk for that matter. I had been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder about 4 months into my first duty station and I never reported to my psych doctors that I was drinking like I was...most of the time I denied I drank at all. I told them about what happened as a child but would never bring up things that were happening in service out of humiliation, guilt, pain, fear that it would get back to my command and I would be reprimanded or mocked or looked down on more than I already was. I was the 'barracks whore'. I was hospitalized several times in service and often had counseling from my command, got very overweight, caught chlamydia once and begged for hysterectomy and tubal procedures which were all denied. I had a restraining order from my gysgt for homicidal thoughts towards him and got married to a man i knew for a month to get off base. After I got a medical separation for my back I ended up homeless in Denver, on acid (which I won't tell my councilors now in fear that it will hinder me getting compensation for the PTSD from MST), divorced and remarried, hospitalized a few more times, and now I am involved with CPS because we just had our first child and I am scared to be alone with him because I get so angry. I am petrified of being around men, my sex life with my husband doesn't exist, my emotional problems cause a huge disconnect in our marriage that we are fighting to keep... My C&P exam states that I have BPD not PTSD and that what I said at the exam (which wasn't much at all) was inconsistent with what was reported over the years. I feel like the 'doctor' conducting the exam did the 'Develop to Deny' trick, he was contradictory in his report, made some false statements, and denied me. I told him about the first incident in MOS school, but apparently that wasn't enough for him to think that I was affected at all. I have around 10 buddy statements ranging from family and friends that knew me prior to service to buddies that I actually served with that were BRUTALLY honest in their reports. My therapist says I definitely have PTSD, but she can't differentiate what is from childhood and what is from MST. I don't know what to do, I'm afraid anything I say will be misconstrued and that I'm ever going to get my PTSD rating. Also, for the test portion my report says, "MMPI2RF-Invalid profile (F z=1.53, Fp z=2.15, Dsrf z=1.94); clinical scales cannot be interpreted." --what the heck do those codes mean?