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Talk About Ptsd

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Wings

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  • HadIt.com Elder

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I don't want to talk about the "stressors" necessarily, you can if you want, but I would like to know if anyone here wants to talk about living with PTSD?

OK, I need to talk. I drank alcohol socially when I joined the military. I think I managed alcohol pretty well: drank beer with friends, at home, not drink alone, laughed, stayed up late talking, generally had a good time. Childhood had some rough patches that the VA has graciously not focused upon, so I'm NOT going to open up about my family of origin. I love and honor my parents, and they are not part of my VA Claims, ever.

After I was sexually assaulted, I drank more. I went through periods of seeking out dangerous behaviors, maybe I thought if I had lived through that trauma, it meant I was bullett proof. I'm not sure, but looking back, I did seek out danger. I went through a period after the assault, where I was promiscuous. I mean, looking back, I really wanted to figure this out, did I attract rapists, was I asking for it (blame the victim you know), was I a sex object to be used by men; did men hate me, did they all want to hurt me? Crazy thinking. Don't know if you can relate.

My in-service alcohool increased; especially when there was a decision to let the perps go unpunished. I felt terribly abandoned, and bad about myself. Like I wasn't worth anything --to anybody. So, when I called into my duty station one fateful morning, and told them I was too hungover to drive, my 1st Lt decided to play the power trip on me, and write me up as AWOL. By this time, I'd had enough --and I requested to be discharged instead of face a court martial. He could have just sent me to Rehab., or gave me an Article 15, but noooooo, he wanted to do something he'd never done before, little twirp that he was.

I think I did a pretty good job overall, I mean I kept my military bearing for 6 years and did some very good work for the USAF. Got promoted to Sergeant, a couple of ribbons, you know. But for godsake, there was a lot of sexual harassment from day one. Lurking, instigating, insinuating, married doctors proposing sex, making excuses to be on the same detail, cat calls, whisteles, staring, jokes. Crap. I had had enough.

Sooooo now, I am trying to correct an injustice through the filing "Claims". I won my SC for PTSD in 11 months. I beat the AFDRB, and now I am up against a wall with the BVA. I don't know if I can beat these guys, they are tough.

I applied for VA Benefits within a month of discharge. Since the AF discharged me OTH, I wasn't eligible for State unemployment. I went to the County VSO and told them I had a drinking problem and was severly depressed (discharge exam says so). VSO contacted the VA (State Forms say they contacted the VA), they told me they filed a claim, and that the VA would have to decide if I was eligible for benefits.

VA did a Character of Discarge on me, but never sent me a Notice of their decision. I figured they determined I was Dishonorable for the next 10 years. I had NO IDEA I had an honorable period of service --until HADIT CONFIRMED MY VETERANS STATUS, more than 10 years ago.

5 years ago, I filed a claim for EED for PTSD. I'm still working on it. They tell me I never filed a CLAIM except for a Loan Guaranty. Not true! But, there is NO EVIDENCE in my C-file of an earlier "claim" I thought the State Forms would be recognozed as evidence, but they have ignored them completely.

The only thing they have conceded (agreed to) is that the Character of Discharge was Non-final. They never sent me a notice that I could Appeal. I know that if I had been allowed to appeal, it would have perfected my claim for PTSD or at least the psychiatric injury that I was treated for in-servive, and was noted on my discharge exam. But the BVA says that the Character of Discharge was not a "claim". The BVA says they made a mistake, but it was HARMLESS.

The Attoreny over the weekend I contacted was a good guy, one of the best; he told me I had about a 20% chance of winning. So, I guess I am just going to persist, but I don't know the tone I should take with them. Should I just use PLAIN LANGUAGE and forget about the Law?

Anyway, it's been 10 years of dealing with the VA through my claims or other vets claims, I've missed a lot of special moments with my kids --and they don't want me to get in "trouble" with the VA. They just want me to be OK.

I just can't seem to let this go; how they all made me feel like my time in service meant nothing to them. I was a good Sergeant. But, here's where I do not want to whine. I just want to be able to tell them, they made a mistake --now say your sorry and pay me for the fraud they perpetrated against me. But I can't prove it.

Sooooo, I have been sober for ummmm, almost 20 years. But reliving my story with the VA sets me back emotionally. I have been so angry and frustrated, that I have forgotten all about my sobriety, and how GOOD that felt to do that for myself. I am still sober, but have been feeling completely INSANE dealing with the VA.

I have some deep scars (PTSD), that make me forget who I am (good person, god's daughter), and I just need a little support.

Love, ~Wings

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I'm too tired to even write, so I'll add more in the moorning. Suffice to say, that Fee Basis told me they will not pay for my PTSD Counseling --becuase, get this, they have a Psychologist that TELEVISES to the satteliote clinic from the VAMC. Yup, they BROADCAST PTSD COUNSELING to the group of veterans at the VA Clinic, and that's called group therapy.

The clinic calls me back, there's the Lady sounding like she's on dope talking real calm, and real slow, and tells me I Need to come in and see the Psychiatrist to get PERMISSION to join the television ptsd group --and I tell her wow, you have a real nice voice, are you on mmedication???? I tell her NO THANKS, I'll call you back if I need anything from you!!

MEANWHILE, I did see my old Counselor, and she said, "The VA refused to pay your Bill for the entire year, 1996 (haven't seen her since then)", She goes on to say, VA Fee Basis refused to pay me the bill for $1,520.00. But since you are a woman of heart and integrity (her words), I want to give it as a donation to Veterans". BLESS HER HEART, that made me cry.

I contracted with her for a year, twice a month, pay half of what she normally charges, because she loves veterans!! Her father was a rear admiral in the Navy. She's also an attoney, but choses not tp practice any longer.

So, I'm happy to pay for my own counseling, just to stay away from the crazies that work for the VA.

More later zzzzzzzzz ~Wings

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She's on a school class trip (vacation); when she comes back next week, she has a HUGE 8th grade graduation project to complete in no less than 4 days. Meanwhile, she has committed herself to helping her future sister in law, 3 nights in a row, fashion show! If I let her go to the show, she won't get her graduation project done; and if I don't let her go to the show, everyone will be really angry with me! What would you guys do, please help!! ~Wings

Wings,k I have been reading your thread and I just want to say....first...If God be for you, who can be against you?" PURSUE!!!

Congrats on 20 years of sobriety. I have almost 9 years. so, I say, you go girl!

As for children, I have five boys. Let me dispel any myths that they are easier to raise. NOT!!! There may be things that we are not as challenged by, as with girls...but they are also difficult when they reach a certain age.

Now, having made that statement, I tell my children all the time....I WOULD RATHER YOU BE MAD AT ME NOW THAN TO HATE ME LATER BECAUSE I HAVE TO MAKE CHOICES AND DECISIONS THAT ARE IN YOUR BEST INTEREST...NOT ONES THAT ARE GOING TO WIN ME THE MOTHER OF THE YEAR AWARD, NECESSARILY...AT LEAST NOT BY THEIR VOTE.

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