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Talk About Ptsd

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Wings

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  • HadIt.com Elder

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I don't want to talk about the "stressors" necessarily, you can if you want, but I would like to know if anyone here wants to talk about living with PTSD?

OK, I need to talk. I drank alcohol socially when I joined the military. I think I managed alcohol pretty well: drank beer with friends, at home, not drink alone, laughed, stayed up late talking, generally had a good time. Childhood had some rough patches that the VA has graciously not focused upon, so I'm NOT going to open up about my family of origin. I love and honor my parents, and they are not part of my VA Claims, ever.

After I was sexually assaulted, I drank more. I went through periods of seeking out dangerous behaviors, maybe I thought if I had lived through that trauma, it meant I was bullett proof. I'm not sure, but looking back, I did seek out danger. I went through a period after the assault, where I was promiscuous. I mean, looking back, I really wanted to figure this out, did I attract rapists, was I asking for it (blame the victim you know), was I a sex object to be used by men; did men hate me, did they all want to hurt me? Crazy thinking. Don't know if you can relate.

My in-service alcohool increased; especially when there was a decision to let the perps go unpunished. I felt terribly abandoned, and bad about myself. Like I wasn't worth anything --to anybody. So, when I called into my duty station one fateful morning, and told them I was too hungover to drive, my 1st Lt decided to play the power trip on me, and write me up as AWOL. By this time, I'd had enough --and I requested to be discharged instead of face a court martial. He could have just sent me to Rehab., or gave me an Article 15, but noooooo, he wanted to do something he'd never done before, little twirp that he was.

I think I did a pretty good job overall, I mean I kept my military bearing for 6 years and did some very good work for the USAF. Got promoted to Sergeant, a couple of ribbons, you know. But for godsake, there was a lot of sexual harassment from day one. Lurking, instigating, insinuating, married doctors proposing sex, making excuses to be on the same detail, cat calls, whisteles, staring, jokes. Crap. I had had enough.

Sooooo now, I am trying to correct an injustice through the filing "Claims". I won my SC for PTSD in 11 months. I beat the AFDRB, and now I am up against a wall with the BVA. I don't know if I can beat these guys, they are tough.

I applied for VA Benefits within a month of discharge. Since the AF discharged me OTH, I wasn't eligible for State unemployment. I went to the County VSO and told them I had a drinking problem and was severly depressed (discharge exam says so). VSO contacted the VA (State Forms say they contacted the VA), they told me they filed a claim, and that the VA would have to decide if I was eligible for benefits.

VA did a Character of Discarge on me, but never sent me a Notice of their decision. I figured they determined I was Dishonorable for the next 10 years. I had NO IDEA I had an honorable period of service --until HADIT CONFIRMED MY VETERANS STATUS, more than 10 years ago.

5 years ago, I filed a claim for EED for PTSD. I'm still working on it. They tell me I never filed a CLAIM except for a Loan Guaranty. Not true! But, there is NO EVIDENCE in my C-file of an earlier "claim" I thought the State Forms would be recognozed as evidence, but they have ignored them completely.

The only thing they have conceded (agreed to) is that the Character of Discharge was Non-final. They never sent me a notice that I could Appeal. I know that if I had been allowed to appeal, it would have perfected my claim for PTSD or at least the psychiatric injury that I was treated for in-servive, and was noted on my discharge exam. But the BVA says that the Character of Discharge was not a "claim". The BVA says they made a mistake, but it was HARMLESS.

The Attoreny over the weekend I contacted was a good guy, one of the best; he told me I had about a 20% chance of winning. So, I guess I am just going to persist, but I don't know the tone I should take with them. Should I just use PLAIN LANGUAGE and forget about the Law?

Anyway, it's been 10 years of dealing with the VA through my claims or other vets claims, I've missed a lot of special moments with my kids --and they don't want me to get in "trouble" with the VA. They just want me to be OK.

I just can't seem to let this go; how they all made me feel like my time in service meant nothing to them. I was a good Sergeant. But, here's where I do not want to whine. I just want to be able to tell them, they made a mistake --now say your sorry and pay me for the fraud they perpetrated against me. But I can't prove it.

Sooooo, I have been sober for ummmm, almost 20 years. But reliving my story with the VA sets me back emotionally. I have been so angry and frustrated, that I have forgotten all about my sobriety, and how GOOD that felt to do that for myself. I am still sober, but have been feeling completely INSANE dealing with the VA.

I have some deep scars (PTSD), that make me forget who I am (good person, god's daughter), and I just need a little support.

Love, ~Wings

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  • HadIt.com Elder
Hey wings, what are the statistics for PTSD & smoking, even "organic" tobbaco(sp)??? I found it interesting that only alcohol is mentioned. I am S/C for alcoholism/abuse, secondary to PTSD. I never grew up and said hey, let me be an alcoholic, but I am. I have weekly battles w/it and am doing better but not winning. We both know it will kill us and yet Ted Kennedy, from, I believe, your former state, is dying from a brain tumor, not cirrosis(sp). Cheers to you for your 20yrs but what about . . . jmo

As for your kids, I won't get into that, let alone California . . . jmo but I still luv ya!!

pr

Love you back! To change the subject (hehe) (I'm guilty), how's Bill McBride doing, he still kickn'? Remember the FFZ, fun times, lol!! ~Wings

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  • HadIt.com Elder
Wings,

my 10 yr daughter likes to pull the "i wanna call Nana" card when she is in trouble or doesnt get her way. When she does crap like that, I pull the "im ur mother" card. she doesnt get to call her Nana out of haste like that. we both have to calm down and talk thru things. once that is done, she can call her Nana. but she cannot ask her to come get her or anything along those lines. its not 100% but then again, what is in parenting! i agree with pete, maybe u should talk to the future DIL and let her know whats going on and how u r going to handle it. 14 is a tough age. as for her commitments, let her know that she made the commitments and its her place to prioritize them. education should come first but let her learn that lesson. its gonna be hard for u but well worth it in the end. best of luck to u on this....i'll be here in 4 yrs asking how to keep from strangling mine :)

Yes, you will!! And I'll be right here to remind you how they used to be so good when they were still young ;-) ~Wings

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  • HadIt.com Elder
Wings, I too quit drinking a long time ago. So long ago that I can't remember when I quit. (Must have been drinking too much). I do not want to go back there, Wife said when I was drunk I was an a**hole.

You and I both know how the system works (guilty till proven innocent) and it is my hope that you can find the strength to never give up the fight. Take care. Terry

Terry, Thanks.

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  • HadIt.com Elder
Wings,

Im fairly new here but I've read ur posts. U r a great person!! a strong person! ur story parallels mine and i'm sure probably many others dealing with MST. it doesnt define u as a person. u r still that great, strong person!! and not to mention 20 yrs sober is just absolutely awesome!!!! kudos to u!

Christy

Thanks Sis! Our stories are alike. I seldom risk getting "personal" on the board, but when I do, there's a chorus of me too! Cool stuff, this brother-sisterhood! ~Wings

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now two ways about it, kids are tough, but, don't let them manipulate you over the ptsd thing.

some years ago i had to take in my nephews 5 kids, 8 years to 13 years old. i have always been the same way with them, even before they lived with me. actions and consequences i drill that it to them. if you choose not to make it home after school on time, there will be consequences. if you skip doing your homework there will be consequences. and l lay out the consequences with them and ask them if they can think of anything else that might be a consequence. sometimes they make the right decision, sometimes they don't but i put the onus on them their choices, their consequences.

i know it sounds easier on paper. consistency is the toughest, some of those nieces and nephews are in their 20's now and they say that was one of the best things about me, i was always consistent.

i will pray for you sis, the teenage years can seem unbearable for both of you at times.

really glad you got that fee basis, it's times like these we need the help.

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  • HadIt.com Elder
If only I had some control! If my (almost) 14 y/o daughter wants to "run away" to "live with her brother and his fiancee", what am I supposed to do ??? She's already pulled one stunt on me along those lines . . . I think, I'd give her a couple of days (being that it's almost summer), and then if she still wouldn't come home, I'd call the police?

She's on a school class trip (vacation); when she comes back next week, she has a HUGE 8th grade graduation project to complete in no less than 4 days. Meanwhile, she has committed herself to helping her future sister in law, 3 nights in a row, fashion show! If I let her go to the show, she won't get her graduation project done; and if I don't let her go to the show, everyone will be really angry with me! What would you guys do, please help!! ~Wings

I think I would try and help her prioritize. List both things she wants to do on paper, and make a list of tasks that have to be done and step by step checklist. It always seems like it's easier to assist if you know what has to be done. Planning and getting started is the hardest part of any project.

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