ptsd Losing The Fight With Ptsd?

[Guest Ryan]

I don't know where to turn from here. I am really starting to believe I am going to lose this war inside of me. I called to cancel an appointment for a doctor that I've only seen once, and was pretty fair even though I had some bad reactions to the new meds, but I just can't process the added paranoia of simply walking in the VA anymore. It's just too much.

I'm not intending to play oh woe is me. I really do prefer to fly under the radar with everyone, and everything, but I can see nothing but a grim outlook on my being able to get appropriate help, and to effectively cope with this.

I would describe myself as having arrived at the end of my rope, and wrapping a knot around my wrist because I am to the point of believing my ablility to hang on by myself can no longer be trusted. Then the question comes into focus: What am I hanging on for? Is this the devil whispering in my ear? If so the son of a bitch can be useful while he's here, and organize my med records from me pickin out the pages relevant to my last c&p exam. No free rides dammit.

I often wonder if I am where many have been in the fight, and since those who I am reffering to are gone, without the final chapter of their story being told, I can't help but question where that point of no return is, and If I'm just on the otherside of it. Everything in me says that I am, and it's only a matter of time.

I don't even care about being patriotic anymore, or being proud of serving honorably, I just want this all to go away, and never have to look back again. It's a nightmare that just doesn't end.

I catch myself fantasising about martial law be declared after some kind of event that causes major civil unrest, and pickin' off luters from my balcony with my kalashnikov. I know how to sieze thoughts and evaluate them to see if they are irrational or not, but when they are just so intensely intrusive, it's extremely hard to take them captive, and throw out. I know I dwell on them too long sometimes before I do this.

I had a chat with a doc, a little while back about using booze, and greens to put myself in a state of incoherance as a method of escape. I still continue to, and it seems that it's the only thing that keeps me from offing myself. He said that when I get pie eyed my emotional filters become pourous and will let in thoughts of suicide that I would normally take captive, and discard. I really am just the opposite. If I'm not flyin' high, (not talking about mania, just feeling the euphoric buzz that has become my friend) then I'm in a tailspin, and the trees begin getting bigger really fast.

Where do I go from here? I don't want to go back to the VA for treatment as many times in the past I've just walk out in an even more pissed off mood. I don't want it anymore.

Would like to find a private doc who doesn't have an agenda to progress in. Is there such a thing?

[carlie]

Ryan,

See where your nearest Vet Center is located, you can access

therapy there.

As far as meds go, none of the Vet Centers I am familiar with

write RX's.

carlie

[Guest Ryan]

I'd been to a vet center before in wyoming and wasn't too impressed. It was more like gossipy social hour than anything. But that was just one counselor, and since I've heard good things about them I might give em' a shot here in Denver.

[Wings]

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Have you filed a mental health claim yet? What are you service-connected for at 30%? ~Wings, still flapping ;-)

[Pete53]

Ryan:

Hang in there things will change and you can get better. Late summer is always a rough time for me. I don't know if its the heat or what but really a struggle sometimes.

Even if the Vet Center did not seem so hopt before give it anther chance.

[tagandbag]

Ryan, it took me around thirty years to go back to the VA for help and glad I did. I started group therapy about a year and a half ago. I didn't think it would be for me and I was mistaken. The group of guys that I attend with are great and we all have the same thing in common, PTSD. It was a little rough going at first and I was never good in large social meetings atmosphere. My counsler is outstanding and am so glad to be in her group. We are all Vietnam vet's, as they don't mix you with the younger vet's fron Iraq or Afghanistan. There is one guy in the group who never talked very much, if at all. He went through some serious things while in VN, as a marine. He went to the the 12 or 16 week program for PTSD and he graduated out of that program. When he came back to group last week, it was not the same guy, you couldn't shut the guy up, we were all laughing about it. He said it really made him look at things differntly and glad he went, but was glad to get out of it. Very strict you live at the VAMC for the whole duration and go home on weekends. No achohol or greenies there. Also I believe you get a higher rating from what I understand. It's not for everybody, but you may want to check into the programs they have. Just trying to help.

t&b

t&b