ptsd Mst / Ptsd Covered Up - 2 Years Into Claims Process

[MSTANDFEDUP]

I will try to make this as straight to the point as possible without triggering.

I have been patient and have waited over two years up until now without making a fus.

I've HAD IT. My case should be very cut and dry as I have a pile a mile high of evidence

to support my claim, however the VA denied.

(Air Force) In 2004 I was sexually harassed by my supervisor. The Military Equal Opportunity office

got involved and opened a case against him. After a one month investigation, he was

CHARGED with 4 counts of sexual harassment and one count of discrimination. He was then

DEMOTED in rank.

I then seperated from the military. Honerable Discharge.

Within 6 months, I went into severe mental stress, psychosis of the mind, due to trauma.

I checked myself into a mental health hospital and was there for 2 weeks. I had stopped

sleeping, had anxiety, flashbacks, was replaying the events again and again, the list goes

on and on.

Over the past 5 years, since the 2004 events, I've been homeless twice, I've been

unable to acquire gainful employment, I've been in and out of mental health and have

since finally in 2008!!!! received access to the VA for MST/PTSD mental health care (4 years

too late). Here is the series of events, and I swear that once I am finished with my claim

I will spend the rest of my life helping women and men who suffer from MST with their VA

claims. I am so upset at this point, today I am triggering all over the place and I'm finally

speaking up.

From 2003-2004 in active duty I was repeatedly harassed, threatened, the list goes on

and I don't want to get into personal details here about the assault by my supervisor.

I discharged in 2004, honerable

In 2005 I contacted the MEO office that held the MEO investigation into the harassment

and requested my documents per the FOIA (Freedom of Information Act). I have a copy

of this letter sent to them. In 2007 I received a letter back, stating the documents had been

destroyed. This was two years too late. I requested in 2005!!!! The letter told me to contact

the Secretary of Department of Defense and that under a 2 year clause the documents were to

be destroyed. I have a copy of this letter and have sent it to my claim file with the VA in 2007.

I also have a copy of the orginal claim statement from MEO during the investigation, I sent this

to the VA in 2007. (made copies at the time of the investigation, which goes over the harassment in detail,

times/dates/places, MEO investigated numerous other people who also confirmed the harassment before he was

charged with the crimes and demoted). I sent a copy of the investigation paperwork into

the VA when I opened my claim for PTSD/MST in 2007.

I spent 2005 until today in and out of mental health hospitals, clinics, etc. all of this documentation

has been sent to the va.

THE VA DOCTORS AT THE LOCAL VA CLAIM I HAVE MST/PTSD and rate me at 48% GAF SCORE.

Their own DOCTORS state that I have PTSD from MST.

I opened my VA claim in 2007 and I'm now at 22 months in waiting. It was first denied, and I sent

a notice of disagreement. It is now supposedly being "expedited" due to having ended up homeless

again. While staying at the homeless shelter, I had a fax sent into the VA claims stating that I was

homeless and in this shelter (letterhead from the shelter). This is when they said it would be expedited.

This was the second time I ended up homeless.

Now a few months have gone by and the VA telephone representatives say they have no record

of an original EXPRESS MAILED DOCUMENT that I sent in 2007 which contained 1) the MEO investigation

paperwork I had copies of 2) a letter from the acting commander at the time in which he talks about

the incidents in the letter. They said they have no record of that from 2007. So I then RE-SENT in

EXPRESS mail and registered mail AGAIN, copies of the same documents.

I finally got up the nerve yesterday to call the base where the events happened. As soon as I called

I triggered and began crying. I called the MEO office and asked about the case documents, again

was told there is no record anymore that they were possibly destroyed in 2005. I expressed my

feelings to this office and I'm now officially going to put in a written complaint to the base commander

about how the entire case was handled back in 2004, how fast it was swept under the carpet, and

how I should have immediately been placed into counseling/mental health treatment immediately

after the incidents occured and immediately after the MEO investigation. The investigation into the

harassment was as bad as the harassment itself. It was first turned on me, then after the month

went by, I was given an apology from the Wing Commander about how this sort of thing would

"never happen under his chain of command again". There is a zero tolerance policy alright, it's a zero

tolerance policy for anyone who SPEAKS UP about harassment/rape.

The VA says the claim is being expedited. They said they are now waiting for records from the

National Personnel Archive and Federal Archieve. Well one more ounce of proof is if they pull the

perpetrators personnel record to see he was DEMOTED.

They can destroy records all day, but if I learned anything at all it was make copies of everything.

I have the basic MEO investigation copies from the investigation, the commanders letter from official

govt email address talking about the events, I guess I have to prove a stressor. What else could

I have to prove, HE WAS CHARGED WITH FOUR COUNTS OF SEXUAL HARASSMENT AND ONE COUNT

OF DISCRIMINATION. I suffered through the harassment for one years time, then had to suffer

through the investigation for a month and come home in complete shambles. The VA mental health

doctors claim I have PTSD from MST.

Hello? The VA cannot possibly be this bad with their claims process. I'm at 22 months. I'm fed up

and I'm ready to start speaking out and I can assure these people that the last thing they are going

to want to be out in the news is information regarding how bad my case truly was, and to what extent

it got to. There was a point in 2006 that I began prostituting myself to put food on the table. I gave

up my life, my self esteem was gone, I stopped caring about myself, my life, I almost killed myself

at one point, I was in psychosis of the mind, hiding out in a hotel room afraid to death of anyone in

uniform. I was afraid to even go to the VA for help or anyone else at that point because I was so

mentally stressed and afraid and replaying the events, that I thought someone in uniform would come

hurt me again.

HELLO VA, IF YOU'RE READING THIS, I'm at my limit and I'm close to posting up information for the world

to see about how you, the armed services, and the DOD handles PTSD cases for women and men raped

and abused in the service.

I LOST MY LIFE FOR 5 YEARS!!!

[MSTANDFEDUP]

I also had a C & P exam within months of starting my claim in 2007.

During the C & P, the doctor just talked to me like I was a paranoid

case and asked "so who raped you, your commander or your supervisor"

because clearly at the time I could hardly vocalize the events from start

to finish, no less was I making much sense in 2007.

I've gotten a lot better at this point where I can now vocalize (but still

break down crying, or get stressed thinking about the events, etc). The

C & P exam shot back the denial letter. Some of the reasons for denial,

get this....sleep disturbance!!! another reason for denial said that the

"events took place on TDY assignment", there was a long list of denial

reasons. All of them included effects of PTSD. Of course I have sleep

disturbance! The C & P doctor did not seem to care nor speak to me

with concern at all. He treated me like a liar. The reasons for denial

I will post (have to go through paperwork), it was just unreal the reasons

they came up with for denial, including but not limited to having effects

of PTSD.

Denied for PTSD due to anxiety and sleep disturbance. Hello??????

The denial letter triggered me for months and I had to put it away until

I could deal with it again. It's now 2009, I have a feeling I'll be denied

again when the statement of case arrives. They can expect to be contacted

by me for the next 10 years because I'm not letting this go. I wasn't able to

defend myself the first time but I'll be damned if I'm going to go through it

for a third time. 1) the incidents that took place for a year 2) the investigation

and now the claim.

[clw4514]

u have come to the right place for guidance and support. i know 5 yrs seems like a life time to u but on the bright side (if there is such a thing with this!), many of us on here took longer than that to rcv help. i personally took 20 yrs. so, ur ahead of the curve! hang in there, stay vigilant/diligent with the VA and most importantly - stand ur ground!!! find that one person at the VA that will help u get thru this. they do exist....

[carl1124]

I am not going to file a claim for myself and PSTD and MST. It happen too long ago I have very little of medical records. I got a hold of my VA medical records the doctors made me look nuts there is shit in there that I never even said. So why drive my self over the edge about it. There is nothing I can do about. They have all the power as I am finding out. Hell I can not even get a Veteran Service Office to call me back, I have been to their Office I don't think they even work they are never there:. Good luck. Edited August 25, 2009 by carlie (see edit history)

[BoonDoc]

Hello mstandfedup & carl1124,

Are you both getting treatment now? It's important to get proper treatment for a couple of reasons.

You can get an appointment from the VA, and they can consult. you to aVA psychiatrist and/or psychotherapist for some help with any symptoms, while also building more medical evidence.

Have you got a complete copy of your service medical records, VA medical records, and your VA C-File? If not you can request a copy of your SMR's at NPRC:

http://www.archives.gov/index.html

Then your VA MR's can be requested, the below is from VA.gov:

I need a copy of my VA medical records. How can I get them?

Subject: Your VA medical records are maintained at the facility or facilities where you were provided medical care. You will need to contact each facility to personally request a copy of any medical records maintained at that facility. Requests must be in writing and should indicate what records you are requesting, why you are requesting those records, and to whom they are to be released. The addresses for all VA facilirties can be found at http://www.va.gov/directory/guide/home.asp

Page Info: https://iris.va.gov/scripts/iris.cfg/php.ex...d_adp.php?p_faq

You can request your C-File at your VARO ROI (Release of Information Office) as well.

I hope that you both hang in and follow thru and get what you both deserve, treatment and compensation.

BoonDoc

[john999]

Find a lawyer who does VA law. Those guys can find things in your records that you might never even grasp. You should get your personnel records as well. These older MST/PTSD claims that are not combat related need a lot of work. Sledge here was a combat PTSD victim. He did not have combat awards so he was denied over and over. He hired a lawyer and got 100%. You can win these things, but you need help. Some are strong enough to go throuh this process on their own , but many need help especailly with a MST. You need a strong advocate not some half ass VSO. If you don't like what the lawyer says you can file anyway.

[carlie]

I will try to make this as straight to the point as possible without triggering.

I have been patient and have waited over two years up until now without making a fus.

I've HAD IT. My case should be very cut and dry as I have a pile a mile high of evidence

to support my claim, however the VA denied.

MST,

Since you've HAD IT -then your at the right place to get some help, encouragement

and support. I am sorry to say that even when we feel our claims SHOULD BE cut and dry,

truth be told - very few issues concerning VBA, are cut and dry.

You can get quite a bit of guidance here but always double-check everything.

(Air Force) In 2004 I was sexually harassed by my supervisor. The Military Equal Opportunity office

got involved and opened a case against him. After a one month investigation, he was

CHARGED with 4 counts of sexual harassment and one count of discrimination. He was then

DEMOTED in rank.

I then seperated from the military. Honerable Discharge.

Within 6 months, I went into severe mental stress, psychosis of the mind, due to trauma.

I checked myself into a mental health hospital and was there for 2 weeks. I had stopped

sleeping, had anxiety, flashbacks, was replaying the events again and again, the list goes

on and on.

Did you check into a private hospital or VAMC ?

Did you get copies of your records from this admission ?

Did you submit copies of this admission to VBA for your claim ?

Also, was this information listed in the EVIDENCE SECTION and discussed in the

REASONS and BASES SECTION of the Rating Decision that denied your claim for

service connection (SC) of PTSD ?

Over the past 5 years, since the 2004 events, I've been homeless twice, I've been

unable to acquire gainful employment, I've been in and out of mental health and have

since finally in 2008!!!! received access to the VA for MST/PTSD mental health care (4 years

too late).

Do you have any medical evidence from a Psychiatrist, Psychologist, or

licensed Social Worker stating you are unable to secure substantial gainful employment

due solely to your PTSD ?

You may also want to check out and visit one of the Vet Center's in your area,

as they can also provide some help for MST/Sexual Trauma.

They are usually located in a separate place than your VAMC.

Here is a link for locating your closest Vet Center.

http://www.vetcenter.va.gov/

Here is the series of events, and I swear that once I am finished with my claim

I will spend the rest of my life helping women and men who suffer from MST with their VA

claims. I am so upset at this point, today I am triggering all over the place and I'm finally

speaking up.

Venting is a good thing and Hadit.com is a great place to release some

of your frustrations.

From 2003-2004 in active duty I was repeatedly harassed, threatened, the list goes on

and I don't want to get into personal details here about the assault by my supervisor.

I discharged in 2004, honerable

In 2005 I contacted the MEO office that held the MEO investigation into the harassment

and requested my documents per the FOIA (Freedom of Information Act). I have a copy

of this letter sent to them. In 2007 I received a letter back, stating the documents had been

destroyed. This was two years too late. I requested in 2005!!!! The letter told me to contact

the Secretary of Department of Defense and that under a 2 year clause the documents were to

be destroyed. I have a copy of this letter and have sent it to my claim file with the VA in 2007.

I also have a copy of the orginal claim statement from MEO during the investigation, I sent this

to the VA in 2007. (made copies at the time of the investigation, which goes over the harassment in detail,

times/dates/places, MEO investigated numerous other people who also confirmed the harassment before he was

charged with the crimes and demoted). I sent a copy of the investigation paperwork into

the VA when I opened my claim for PTSD/MST in 2007.

I spent 2005 until today in and out of mental health hospitals, clinics, etc. all of this documentation has been sent to the va.

You may want to respond that this information was sent to VA and you

feel this evidence has been spoliated. This is a term (spoliation) we need

to use with VA when our information and evidence, that has been submitted,

but magically can not be found in our c-file, by VBA.

Also, was this information listed in the EVIDENCE SECTION and discussed in the

REASONS and BASES SECTION of the Rating Decision that denied your claim for

service connection (SC) of PTSD ?

THE VA DOCTORS AT THE LOCAL VA CLAIM I HAVE MST/PTSD and rate me at 48% GAF SCORE.

Their own DOCTORS state that I have PTSD from MST.

The GAF score can change from day to day and is only one of the items

considered in assigning a percentage of disability.

I opened my VA claim in 2007 and I'm now at 22 months in waiting.

It was first denied, and I sent a notice of disagreement.

Original claim's usually have a Rating Decision promulgated within 12-18 months.

Once a claim moves into the Appeals process (which happened with filing your NOD),

everything grinds to a halt and moves very, very slowly.

The specific VARO you are using also factors into how long something may take

to resolve. Only VBA claimant's have time requirements to fulfill, NOT VBA.

We can probably help you a lot more if you can scan and post your Rating Decision

and NOD directly into the Forum.

If you are able to do this, it is necessary that you redact, omit, mark-out, you'r personal information such as Name, SSA or Service Number, address, etc...

It is now supposedly being "expedited" due to having ended up homeless again.

While staying at the homeless shelter, I had a fax sent into the VA claims stating that I was

homeless and in this shelter (letterhead from the shelter).

This is when they said it would be expedited.

This was the second time I ended up homeless.

Now a few months have gone by and the VA telephone representatives say they have no record

of an original EXPRESS MAILED DOCUMENT that I sent in 2007 which contained

1) the MEO investigation paperwork I had copies of

2) a letter from the acting commander at the time in which he talks about

the incidents in the letter.

They said they have no record of that from 2007. So I then RE-SENT in EXPRESS mail and registered mail AGAIN, copies of the same documents.

Again, you may want to respond that this information was sent to VA and you

feel this evidence has been spoliated. This is a term (spoliation) we need

to use with VA when our information and evidence, that has been submitted,

but magically can not be found in our c-file, by VBA.

I finally got up the nerve yesterday to call the base where the events happened.

As soon as I called I triggered and began crying.

I called the MEO office and asked about the case documents, again was told there is no record anymore that they were possibly destroyed in 2005.

I expressed my feelings to this office and I'm now officially going to put in a written complaint to the base commander about how the entire case was handled back in 2004, how fast it was swept under the carpet, and how I should have immediately been placed into counseling/mental health treatment immediately after the incidents occured and immediately after the MEO investigation.

The investigation into the harassment was as bad as the harassment itself.

It was first turned on me, then after the month went by, I was given an apology from the

Wing Commander about how this sort of thing would "never happen under his chain of command again".

There is a zero tolerance policy alright, it's a zero tolerance policy for anyone who SPEAKS UP about harassment/rape.

Was the apology just verbal or did the Wing Commander give you something in writing ?

If not, do you feel it maybe worth a try to contact the Wing Commander now and ask

him to write a statement regarding the incident's ?

The DOD's and VA's zero tolerance policy is just to try and look good to the public,

in reality it is a bucket of BS.

The VA says the claim is being expedited. They said they are now waiting for records from the

National Personnel Archive and Federal Archieve. Well one more ounce of proof is if they pull the

perpetrators personnel record to see he was DEMOTED.

Has the VBA sent you and/or have you submitted the following form to VBA ?

(Statement in Support - Personal Trauma)

Stmt_Supt__Personal_Trauma_VBA_21_0781a_ARE.pdf

If not that form,then has VBA sent you and have you completed and submitted to VA

a from (I can't find a number on it) titled PTSD Questionnaire ?

They can destroy records all day, but if I learned anything at all it was make copies of everything.

I have the basic MEO investigation copies from the investigation, the commanders letter from official govt email address talking about the events, I guess I have to prove a stressor.

YES - you are going to have to prove the stressor occured and that your diagnosis

of PTSD by competent and probative medical evidence, is as likely as not,

or more likely than not, a direct result of this active duty stressor.

What else could I have to prove, HE WAS CHARGED WITH FOUR COUNTS OF

SEXUAL HARASSMENT AND ONE COUNT OF DISCRIMINATION.

I suffered through the harassment for one years time, then had to suffer through the investigation for a month and come home in complete shambles.

The VA mental health doctors claim I have PTSD from MST.

What - exactly have the mental health doctor's put in writing ?

Was this information listed in the EVIDENCE SECTION and discussed in the

REASONS and BASES SECTION of the Rating Decision that denied your claim for

service connection (SC) of PTSD ?

Hello? The VA cannot possibly be this bad with their claims process.

OH - YES - YES - YES they can, that's one of the reason's Hadit.com was started.

I'm at 22 months. I'm fed up and I'm ready to start speaking out and I can assure these people that the last thing they are going to want to be out in the news is information regarding how bad my case truly was, and to what extent it got to.

Been there, done it and didn't even get a tee shirt.

There was a point in 2006 that I began prostituting myself to put food on the table. I gave up my life, my self esteem was gone, I stopped caring about myself, my life, I almost killed myself at one point, I was in psychosis of the mind, hiding out in a hotel room afraid to death of anyone in

uniform. I was afraid to even go to the VA for help or anyone else at that point because I was so

mentally stressed and afraid and replaying the events, that I thought someone in uniform would come hurt me again.

Is any of the above addressed in medical reports and was it submitted to VBA ?

HELLO VA, IF YOU'RE READING THIS, I'm at my limit and I'm close to posting up information for the world to see about how you, the armed services, and the DOD handles PTSD cases for women and men raped and abused in the service.

It is rumored that VA does in some respect read through web sites of this nature - but

we have no proof of it.

Post anything you want about DOD and VA, just keep your name and SSA number out of it.

VA really does not care about what we post, they have plenty

of lawyers to refute anything. These same lawyers are skum suckers at the BVA and Court levels.

I LOST MY LIFE FOR 5 YEARS!!!

The only one that has the power to re-gain your life is you.

Grab ahold and hang on as there is as likely as not, still a long ride ahead.

carlie

[john999]

I am not sure you should tell the VA that you prostituted yourself at some point. If they do not know that you did illegal things then they don't need to know. Do you have a criminal record now? You can't deny that. You have plenty documentation regarding the sexual harassment. You need a shrink's diagnosis that links the sexual harassment to the PTSD/MST. You need to tell the VA enough to get a rating for PTSD/MST but nothing more. If you use or used illegal drugs you don't need to tell them this if they don't know already. Don't spill your guts to the VA if you are looking for a rating. I used illegal drugs in Vietnam to self medicate my severe anxiety. The VA used that against me by saying I was a personality disorder. It took lots of medical reports to get over that hump. This is just my opinion about telling the VA you ever did anything illegal. I could be wrong. If I am wrong I don't mind being corrected.

[Commander Bob]

Find a lawyer who does VA law. Those guys can find things in your records that you might never even grasp. You should get your personnel records as well. These older MST/PTSD claims that are not combat related need a lot of work. Sledge here was a combat PTSD victim. He did not have combat awards so he was denied over and over. He hired a lawyer and got 100%. You can win these things, but you need help. Some are strong enough to go throuh this process on their own , but many need help especailly with a MST. You need a strong advocate not some half ass VSO. If you don't like what the lawyer says you can file anyway.

I agree, John. Get a lawyer...

[cowgirl]

I can undrestand your frustration and what you have in development.

I encourage you to consider everything that Carlie and others have posted here.

jmho

All the best to ya,

Cowgirl'up2009!

Edited October 30, 2009 by cowgirl (see edit history)

[MSTANDFEDUP]

:) I am not going to file a claim for myself and PSTD and MST. It happen too long ago I have very little of medical records. I got a hold of my VA medical records the doctors made me look nuts there is shit in there that I never even said. So why drive my self over the edge about it. There is nothing I can do about. They have all the power as I am finding out. Hell I can not even get a Veteran Service Office to call me back, I have been to their Office I don't think they even work they are never there:. Good luck.

Carl

Please keep trying, don't give up! The more we fight this, the more likely in the future others wont have to go through the same thing or the military will become more strict about their policies on rape/harassment and stop sweeping things under the rug. I believe the more people that come forward and fight the VA, the more likely the DOD will be to stop hiding the cases that occur. Please stick with it and keep trying. I know how you feel though, the original C & P exam doctor (and the reasons for the denial) made me sound nuts "sleep disturance" being a reason for denial, well HELLO...of course I can't sleep but I sure as heck wasn't dreaming when the harassment took place. Hold strong!

[MSTANDFEDUP]

Thank you to everyone, I will try to follow up to all of the questions this evening.

I got a phone call from a service womans organization that has a legal team which

takes on pro bono cases against the VA. It looks like they have in processed me and

I will hear more in a few days. I think I definitely need legal at this point so I'm thankful

they got in touch and I hope they can sort through the VA process better then I can

It's beginning to get confusing to the point where you submit evidence and you need

to submit additional evidence just to prove the evidence, I am definitely at my point

and I trigger with each time I deal with this.

As for the illegal activities, I have no criminal record, the prostitution was actually

something I dealt with after the MST once I got to the lowest of low and couldn't

support myself anymore. It can be an after affect with MST, you get to the point

where you give up your self, your sexuality, you just don't care about yourself anymore.

I was never arrested for such, and didn't add it to records with the VA but the extent

to which I lost my life in the aftermath is great. Five years of pure hell after my mental

health went to shambles. I'm slowly getting better day by day but it's been a process

and I'm sure it's going to be years before I regain myself again. I've heard of other women

who went through PTSD/MST that even became dominatrices and some other stories

which were horrific in nature. It's so sad what can happen in the aftermath and it takes

years to regain confidence and a feeling of self again. Especially your own sexuality

and caring about your own body and life.

[Destia]

Don't give up because if you do, THEY WIN. I was also a victim of MST/PTSD and because I never reported it back in 1991 I was discharged with a general discharge under honarable conditions, because after the trauma, I didn't care about anything or anyone, my DD214 states pattern of misconduct. After years of thinking I was going crazy, someone at the VA asked me if I endure any form of MST while I was in the military, and ever since then my world has felt like it was crumbling down. I recieved help and counseling and decided to submit a claim but already I knew that it would be an up hill battle because I never reported the incident. One important thing that I did do was write my story. A very kind soul that I had chatted with told me to write everything down on a sheet of paper since my memory was getting worse because of the PTSD. I used my story along with a letter from my parents and husband stating the changes they had seen develop in me and of course the Phychologist's notes and by the grace of GOD, they approved me @ 30% in 2005, almost 14 years to the date of my incident. I recieve 30% for a neurological problem that a Dentist did to my mouth. So, anything is possible. It may take longer then others but PLEASE do not give up. :D

[cowgirl]

Good advice Destia, nice to see you post and thank you for your service. Its difficult to process injuries of this deep personal matter I feel because it deals a persons belief system all over the table. Amazing what a simple question triggers, a visit to my VA pcp stopped me cold when asked about MST and I forced myself to look up at the ceiling trying not to cry.

Don't give up because if you do, THEY WIN. I was also a victim of MST/PTSD and because I never reported it back in 1991 I was discharged with a general discharge under honarable conditions, because after the trauma, I didn't care about anything or anyone, my DD214 states pattern of misconduct. After years of thinking I was going crazy, someone at the VA asked me if I endure any form of MST while I was in the military, and ever since then my world has felt like it was crumbling down. I recieved help and counseling and decided to submit a claim but already I knew that it would be an up hill battle because I never reported the incident. One important thing that I did do was write my story. A very kind soul that I had chatted with told me to write everything down on a sheet of paper since my memory was getting worse because of the PTSD. I used my story along with a letter from my parents and husband stating the changes they had seen develop in me and of course the Phychologist's notes and by the grace of GOD, they approved me @ 30% in 2005, almost 14 years to the date of my incident. I recieve 30% for a neurological problem that a Dentist did to my mouth. So, anything is possible. It may take longer then others but PLEASE do not give up. :D

[MSTANDFEDUP]

Hello

Sorry I haven't been back

I am suffering severe mental health problems that have only gotten worse and worse

however I'm trying to stay focused now

I got PTSD in 2003, OCD set in and then dissociation.

Originally I was misdiagnosed by a Civilian doc in 2004 as Bipolar but

the medical evidence is clear as day now.

I'm getting treatment at the VA and I am happy with the VA doctors and hospitals

but I am not happy with the VA claims process at all. It throws me into a major

trigger and I dissociate so I basically leave the building and I dissociate all day

long and go off into space.

I am finally in a recovery type of state but it is just the beginning.

I have trouble keeping thoughts together because I have such severe

mental health now, I go off into la-la land. I totally dissociate, my mind split

after the trauma so I am trying to keep focused.

I lost everything I've got, most relationships/friendships/you name it because

of what happened to me.

I'm not playing nice with the VA anymore and I'm playing hardball now.

There is no denying I am a severe severe case of PTSD/MST and in the aftermath

my life was ruined over the span of 7 years.

I don't have my mind anymore, it left but I still have all of the government documents

to prove my case and now the VA wants to play I'm talking about the assault

It includes almost losing an unborn child by subchoronic bleeding to the placenta

Not only did I deal with the harassment, incidents, my TDY hotel room being busted

into, threatened on a daily basis, but then I dealt with a gatekeeping chain of command,

after PTSD had already way set in I got engaged to someone and we decided to have

a child (not the best time but I didn't know I was already snowballing PTSD by this point)

so once I was pregnant after a year of dealing w/ the harassment, then the perpetrator

made it clear I shouldn't be pregnant and almost killed the baby in my stomach.

Then I had to go through a military investigation where events were ALMOST turned on

me, then my security clearance was taken away for "financial irresponsibility" (just a few

months after I suffered bleeding to the placenta)....so now I'm not playing with the DOD

nor the VA anymore, they wanted to play hardball with me, now I'm going to make it

perfectly clear to the entire country on a website with the government documents

what happens to women who are harassed/threatened/raped/and then come forward.

My child was almost killed and then I agreed to my security clearance being taken

away for "financial irresponsibility" and all the documents I got, don't look good on

the military at all. I'm F'n DONE and I've had it.

It's not unpatriotic to tell the truth about events and I'm done gatekeeping out of patriotic

love for my country, not wanting to speak up a second time about the severe events, I

didn't want to bring it up in the original VA claim file info. because the MEO investigation

should have spoke for itself. All you need to do is prove something happened, HE WAS

FOUND GUILTY of various counts and charges, THAT SHOULD HAVE BEEN ENOUGH

for the VA to see something happened, so they wanna see everything I'M DONE...

I'm mass mailing all of the gov documents to various agencies so they can see what

happens when a pregnant woman is bleeding from the placenta.

Now not only did I go through all that, I lost my life to mental health in the aftermath.

Now I dissociate and "go away"...because I can't deal with the traumatic events that

happened

I'm triggering but I'm done and I'm pissed.

[MSTANDFEDUP]

After PTSD set in, I started doing light OCD things, like walking around cleaning/organizing and doing repetitious stuff I guess to cope with events, that slowly got worse and worse till I was hoarding. I was small hoarding, and then larger hoarding, I was in apartments I got and I totally fell apart in piles of junk. The dissociation was coming with the OCD and I'd zone out. Now I zone out all day long, I have flashbacks, I totally go off into space.

I am at least finally at a realization point and I am looking at recovery and hope I can maybe get some of my mind back after all that has happened.

In 04 I saw a civilian doc that said "oh you're bipolar" after seeing me for 20 mins, so then I spent the past years on the wrong meds on and off for illnesses I didn't have.

Not once was I given anxiety meds, only to find out now that I'm PTSD/OCD/Dissociation

onset by MST.

After the trauma I've been through I'm done being nice I really am.

I used to be a nice sweet girl, young, pretty and now I'm a horrific mess.

I have stress acne so bad I lost most of the youth to my face by 30 years old.

I destroyed my own body in self abuse after the events.

I lost all of my relationships,

I've been homeless on and off.

I can't keep a job

and I can hardly keep a normal conversation with people without zoning out.

I can't write a proper sentense anymore

I lost a lot of memory, my memory shattered and have a hard time focusing

I almost lost my child and then later had to worry about custody of him when my mental

health went rolling down hill

The perpetrator took more from my life then he will ever know.

[MSTANDFEDUP]

And I know what people say "oh you were pregnant" you must have been a whore.

No I clung to my child's father after very bad events for security.

I like to make that clear since the things people say about MST cases are the same

reason women don't come forward.

If I had known that I was about to lose my life to PTSD I never would have brought

a child into the world honestly. I was already in such trauma by that point

and it's all documented. I'm done playing nice, my child was almost killed.

[Pete53]

MS:

At least you understand what is going on and you can use Hadit to help you win your claim. When you win the Vindication will help but all who win a claim for PTSD are going to also suffer painful losses.

Sometimes anger can help give energy to finish and pursue your claim. I hope it does in your case as I fell that you were horribly mistreated.

Good Luck I think that some of our members who have dealt with these issues can really help you.

[MSTANDFEDUP]

The way women are treated with the VA claim process is absolutely ridiculous

And now that I'm coming forward about the entire truth of my case, where my

child was almost killed, I'm gonna make sure I go back and slam all of the docs

that made me feel like I was just some paranoid case in the aftermath

THANKS A LOT...the documents prove from A to Z what happened and I might

go away mentally now because of the trauma but the docs speak for themselves

and the VA wants to treat women like this in the claims process, treat us like

crazy ladies who don't know what we're talking about because once you have

mental health its hard to vocalize what happened anymore, I'm gonna make sure

that all those along the way who treated me like an xxxxxxx in the aftermath

are going to be named including the C&P exam person who said "so who raped

you, your commander or supervisor"....then he gave a denial and said that

my problem was "sleep disturbance"...HELLO....SLEEP DISTURBANCE is a result

of PTSD.....they try to set you up so that you wont fight the system and come

back swinging...well now the jokes on those people because my child was

almost killed and the way my case has been handled and ignored from the

get go is ridiculous. I was on the streets with a baby homeless

and couldn't get help from the VA at the worst times. When the events

happened originally, I should have been thrown into mental health immediately

not get access to the VA for healthcare years later when the mess is so deep

you already lost most of your life after trying to survive with mental health PTSD.

That's what happened in the aftermath, I went into survival mode and started

hoarding things and walking around losing time...women don't go from

perfectly healthy, intelligent, pretty, I had my whole life ahead of me, now

I've little left which includes my self esteem, relationships with people,

I destroyed my body in self hatred after the events, and now I'm looking at

kidney issues which are a sure sign of PTSD.

I'll win the case maybe when I'm dead but I'm sure as hell going to post

the documents all over the place so everyone sees what happens to a woman

and the VA better straighten up their act when it comes to women who come

forward because no woman is making shit up, why would she subject herself

to the shit you have to go through, I feel like I've been raped not once but

three times in the after math, the events, then the investigations, now by the

Va process.

[MSTANDFEDUP]

I'm sorry I'm so angry but I am sitting in a pile of government documents right now trying to focus

and I totally dissociate. My mind split, trying to hold it back together long enough to get through this process is hard as hell. I dunno what's gonna happen to me at this point, I'm worried I go away

what else do I have to prove?

If I get through this and recover at all I'm going to fight for female vets rights to health care access and enhanced health care for the rest of my life

I dunno if I'm gonna recover though my kidneys are now showing signs of failure and I dunno anymore.

If I'm going out I'm going out swinging because I've really had it.

[MSTANDFEDUP]

As the PTSD got worse and worse I really didn't know what was happening and was trying to cope with different things along the way to stop the OCD stuff when it was happening. I didn't even really understand OCD until now I've been doing a lot of reading on it and got some workbooks to try to work through it but the OCD part that onset is the worst part. It makes me repeat myself and not make a lot of sense and also it makes me go around in a circle.

For the years after the events I was in such trauma I didn't even know myself how bad it was

I was in crappy apartments walking around in a circle not sure why I coudln't get it together

I would do the dishes and the dishes would end up across the house that's how confused I was getting

I was trying to keep my house clean and organized and then it turned into piles and piles organized all funny around the house. I now understand more what happened so I hope this is a recovery process

I am choosing to go to the program for NA (drug addicts) because it is a generalized addiction meeting

and I hope maybe that can break some of my OCD habits, it is much like a drug addict because you keep picking things up and trying to find ways to cope so it's a habit situation I think. I was picking up various habits in the aftermath not realizing it was OCD, like smoking and different things

I am hoping a generalized addiction might stop some of these OCD tendences I have now

I also am getting my meds switched on the 8th at the VA and I hope this time they realize that I should have been on anxiety meds all of this time, I've got a list of things to talk to the docs about

and hopefully they can readjust my medication to something that works better

I'm also going to be very open and honest as I can in therapy about the events, I'm reading that behavioral therapy works for PTSD and in the past I didn't want to deal with the events but I need to face them as much as I can in hopes I can stop dissociating before it's any worse.

I am angry and I dont want to be angry and I've become a bitter angry lady and it's not good so I'm going to try anything any anything to recover some of my life left

I'm going to surround myself with positive people in recovery and try to find a PTSD support group

I'm trying to think of anything I can think of in hopes that I can bounce back from this

Also my health issues showing up now I'm going to take care of my body better, I'm trying to cut the smoking but its more OCD then anything because I need to do something with my hands

I'm taking vitamins and trying to drink more water and I'm going to try to do some exercise program walking or something

I am hoping my kidneys dont go but with the self abuse in the aftermath and the wrong meds on and off I think I did some damage. My kidneys are showing blood in the urine, I've gone out and gotten tested for various things ...HIV test, hep test, and just trying to get all sorts of medical tests done now to figure out where I'm at in my overall physical health. Once you get mental health problems you lose your physical health too in the mess.

My teeth look horrible, I was drinking massive amounts of coffee (and from what I've been reading if you get PTSD you shouldn't be drinking coffee), one of my teeth cracked and got infected in my face and I dont have dental so I've been dealing with an infection in my face for 6 months,

I've fallen apart that's about all I can say.

I was so pretty and so full of life and I feel like I've lost everything at 30 years old I should be feeling like my life is ahead of me and I feel like an unhealthy stressed out person physically and mentally I've lost a lot. My face looks horrible from the stress and I've been trying to do some recovery stuff looking back at pictures and the pics of me from before and the pics of me in the aftermath that I've got, my eyes look sunken in and black (not sleeping at all), stress acne on my face so bad, I was overeating or undereating (and I think that's from the OCD) fluxuating in weight, the list goes on.

OCD is really the part I need to try to kick or work through because it's ruining my life big time.

The dissociation I just start zoning off into the blue, in the middle of talking to people, friends go "what is wrong" and I didn't understand it until I started reading more about PTSD/OCD/Dissociation

I'm learning more about mental health but I'm really stressed and hoping I can bounce back from this and regain some of my life back.

Sorry I sound so angry