ptsd Mst / Ptsd Covered Up - 2 Years Into Claims Process

[MSTANDFEDUP]

I will try to make this as straight to the point as possible without triggering.

I have been patient and have waited over two years up until now without making a fus.

I've HAD IT. My case should be very cut and dry as I have a pile a mile high of evidence

to support my claim, however the VA denied.

(Air Force) In 2004 I was sexually harassed by my supervisor. The Military Equal Opportunity office

got involved and opened a case against him. After a one month investigation, he was

CHARGED with 4 counts of sexual harassment and one count of discrimination. He was then

DEMOTED in rank.

I then seperated from the military. Honerable Discharge.

Within 6 months, I went into severe mental stress, psychosis of the mind, due to trauma.

I checked myself into a mental health hospital and was there for 2 weeks. I had stopped

sleeping, had anxiety, flashbacks, was replaying the events again and again, the list goes

on and on.

Over the past 5 years, since the 2004 events, I've been homeless twice, I've been

unable to acquire gainful employment, I've been in and out of mental health and have

since finally in 2008!!!! received access to the VA for MST/PTSD mental health care (4 years

too late). Here is the series of events, and I swear that once I am finished with my claim

I will spend the rest of my life helping women and men who suffer from MST with their VA

claims. I am so upset at this point, today I am triggering all over the place and I'm finally

speaking up.

From 2003-2004 in active duty I was repeatedly harassed, threatened, the list goes on

and I don't want to get into personal details here about the assault by my supervisor.

I discharged in 2004, honerable

In 2005 I contacted the MEO office that held the MEO investigation into the harassment

and requested my documents per the FOIA (Freedom of Information Act). I have a copy

of this letter sent to them. In 2007 I received a letter back, stating the documents had been

destroyed. This was two years too late. I requested in 2005!!!! The letter told me to contact

the Secretary of Department of Defense and that under a 2 year clause the documents were to

be destroyed. I have a copy of this letter and have sent it to my claim file with the VA in 2007.

I also have a copy of the orginal claim statement from MEO during the investigation, I sent this

to the VA in 2007. (made copies at the time of the investigation, which goes over the harassment in detail,

times/dates/places, MEO investigated numerous other people who also confirmed the harassment before he was

charged with the crimes and demoted). I sent a copy of the investigation paperwork into

the VA when I opened my claim for PTSD/MST in 2007.

I spent 2005 until today in and out of mental health hospitals, clinics, etc. all of this documentation

has been sent to the va.

THE VA DOCTORS AT THE LOCAL VA CLAIM I HAVE MST/PTSD and rate me at 48% GAF SCORE.

Their own DOCTORS state that I have PTSD from MST.

I opened my VA claim in 2007 and I'm now at 22 months in waiting. It was first denied, and I sent

a notice of disagreement. It is now supposedly being "expedited" due to having ended up homeless

again. While staying at the homeless shelter, I had a fax sent into the VA claims stating that I was

homeless and in this shelter (letterhead from the shelter). This is when they said it would be expedited.

This was the second time I ended up homeless.

Now a few months have gone by and the VA telephone representatives say they have no record

of an original EXPRESS MAILED DOCUMENT that I sent in 2007 which contained 1) the MEO investigation

paperwork I had copies of 2) a letter from the acting commander at the time in which he talks about

the incidents in the letter. They said they have no record of that from 2007. So I then RE-SENT in

EXPRESS mail and registered mail AGAIN, copies of the same documents.

I finally got up the nerve yesterday to call the base where the events happened. As soon as I called

I triggered and began crying. I called the MEO office and asked about the case documents, again

was told there is no record anymore that they were possibly destroyed in 2005. I expressed my

feelings to this office and I'm now officially going to put in a written complaint to the base commander

about how the entire case was handled back in 2004, how fast it was swept under the carpet, and

how I should have immediately been placed into counseling/mental health treatment immediately

after the incidents occured and immediately after the MEO investigation. The investigation into the

harassment was as bad as the harassment itself. It was first turned on me, then after the month

went by, I was given an apology from the Wing Commander about how this sort of thing would

"never happen under his chain of command again". There is a zero tolerance policy alright, it's a zero

tolerance policy for anyone who SPEAKS UP about harassment/rape.

The VA says the claim is being expedited. They said they are now waiting for records from the

National Personnel Archive and Federal Archieve. Well one more ounce of proof is if they pull the

perpetrators personnel record to see he was DEMOTED.

They can destroy records all day, but if I learned anything at all it was make copies of everything.

I have the basic MEO investigation copies from the investigation, the commanders letter from official

govt email address talking about the events, I guess I have to prove a stressor. What else could

I have to prove, HE WAS CHARGED WITH FOUR COUNTS OF SEXUAL HARASSMENT AND ONE COUNT

OF DISCRIMINATION. I suffered through the harassment for one years time, then had to suffer

through the investigation for a month and come home in complete shambles. The VA mental health

doctors claim I have PTSD from MST.

Hello? The VA cannot possibly be this bad with their claims process. I'm at 22 months. I'm fed up

and I'm ready to start speaking out and I can assure these people that the last thing they are going

to want to be out in the news is information regarding how bad my case truly was, and to what extent

it got to. There was a point in 2006 that I began prostituting myself to put food on the table. I gave

up my life, my self esteem was gone, I stopped caring about myself, my life, I almost killed myself

at one point, I was in psychosis of the mind, hiding out in a hotel room afraid to death of anyone in

uniform. I was afraid to even go to the VA for help or anyone else at that point because I was so

mentally stressed and afraid and replaying the events, that I thought someone in uniform would come

hurt me again.

HELLO VA, IF YOU'RE READING THIS, I'm at my limit and I'm close to posting up information for the world

to see about how you, the armed services, and the DOD handles PTSD cases for women and men raped

and abused in the service.

I LOST MY LIFE FOR 5 YEARS!!!

[MSTANDFEDUP]

I'm sorry I'm so angry but I am sitting in a pile of government documents right now trying to focus

and I totally dissociate. My mind split, trying to hold it back together long enough to get through this process is hard as hell. I dunno what's gonna happen to me at this point, I'm worried I go away

what else do I have to prove?

If I get through this and recover at all I'm going to fight for female vets rights to health care access and enhanced health care for the rest of my life

I dunno if I'm gonna recover though my kidneys are now showing signs of failure and I dunno anymore.

If I'm going out I'm going out swinging because I've really had it.

[MSTANDFEDUP]

As the PTSD got worse and worse I really didn't know what was happening and was trying to cope with different things along the way to stop the OCD stuff when it was happening. I didn't even really understand OCD until now I've been doing a lot of reading on it and got some workbooks to try to work through it but the OCD part that onset is the worst part. It makes me repeat myself and not make a lot of sense and also it makes me go around in a circle.

For the years after the events I was in such trauma I didn't even know myself how bad it was

I was in crappy apartments walking around in a circle not sure why I coudln't get it together

I would do the dishes and the dishes would end up across the house that's how confused I was getting

I was trying to keep my house clean and organized and then it turned into piles and piles organized all funny around the house. I now understand more what happened so I hope this is a recovery process

I am choosing to go to the program for NA (drug addicts) because it is a generalized addiction meeting

and I hope maybe that can break some of my OCD habits, it is much like a drug addict because you keep picking things up and trying to find ways to cope so it's a habit situation I think. I was picking up various habits in the aftermath not realizing it was OCD, like smoking and different things

I am hoping a generalized addiction might stop some of these OCD tendences I have now

I also am getting my meds switched on the 8th at the VA and I hope this time they realize that I should have been on anxiety meds all of this time, I've got a list of things to talk to the docs about

and hopefully they can readjust my medication to something that works better

I'm also going to be very open and honest as I can in therapy about the events, I'm reading that behavioral therapy works for PTSD and in the past I didn't want to deal with the events but I need to face them as much as I can in hopes I can stop dissociating before it's any worse.

I am angry and I dont want to be angry and I've become a bitter angry lady and it's not good so I'm going to try anything any anything to recover some of my life left

I'm going to surround myself with positive people in recovery and try to find a PTSD support group

I'm trying to think of anything I can think of in hopes that I can bounce back from this

Also my health issues showing up now I'm going to take care of my body better, I'm trying to cut the smoking but its more OCD then anything because I need to do something with my hands

I'm taking vitamins and trying to drink more water and I'm going to try to do some exercise program walking or something

I am hoping my kidneys dont go but with the self abuse in the aftermath and the wrong meds on and off I think I did some damage. My kidneys are showing blood in the urine, I've gone out and gotten tested for various things ...HIV test, hep test, and just trying to get all sorts of medical tests done now to figure out where I'm at in my overall physical health. Once you get mental health problems you lose your physical health too in the mess.

My teeth look horrible, I was drinking massive amounts of coffee (and from what I've been reading if you get PTSD you shouldn't be drinking coffee), one of my teeth cracked and got infected in my face and I dont have dental so I've been dealing with an infection in my face for 6 months,

I've fallen apart that's about all I can say.

I was so pretty and so full of life and I feel like I've lost everything at 30 years old I should be feeling like my life is ahead of me and I feel like an unhealthy stressed out person physically and mentally I've lost a lot. My face looks horrible from the stress and I've been trying to do some recovery stuff looking back at pictures and the pics of me from before and the pics of me in the aftermath that I've got, my eyes look sunken in and black (not sleeping at all), stress acne on my face so bad, I was overeating or undereating (and I think that's from the OCD) fluxuating in weight, the list goes on.

OCD is really the part I need to try to kick or work through because it's ruining my life big time.

The dissociation I just start zoning off into the blue, in the middle of talking to people, friends go "what is wrong" and I didn't understand it until I started reading more about PTSD/OCD/Dissociation

I'm learning more about mental health but I'm really stressed and hoping I can bounce back from this and regain some of my life back.

Sorry I sound so angry

[MSTANDFEDUP]

I really do have to get angry to get through this because otherwise I end off in la-la-land mentally and don't get anything accomplished. I can zone out for days weeks months honestly, like I'm here but I'm not here. Then during the day I'll have worse zoning out spells but now that I'm aware of them I'm gonna fight them. If I can focus and take small steps at recovery I'm hoping I can undo this somehow.

[MSTANDFEDUP]

I'm trying to do positive things I know this is stupid but I just started putting photos up on my wall, pictures I like, things from my life, trying to feel good about myself again, I really need a one step at a time process or one minute at a time because the OCD and dissociation makes me lose track. I'm putting reminders up on the walls and I also took out my military stuff that I put away because I was feeling different things that made me not want to ever see it again but now I'm putting things out around my room and trying to make my environment nicer instead of just piles of junk. I was hoarding stuff at the flea market, I started going there after the events and I didn't know until now but I was a mess and most of the people in town saw me looking like a mess. Walking around in circles at the flea market hoarding things. It's horrible what happened over the years

[MSTANDFEDUP]

I've got two documents right here that speak for themselves regarding the pregnancy

and please bare with me as I have a hard time focusing

1. document is from OBGYN and talks about the subchoronic hemmorages

2. document a few months later from Commander taking away my security clearance for

"financial irresponsibility"

I've also got about 50 other documents that prove

1. I was a good hardworking person

(I've got letters, certificates, awards, and letters that show I was helping out at events and also doing well in my duties)

2. I've got the hotel receipts from TDY where one of the incidents took place

along with the names of witnesses which include a SGT from another base - this also was one of the charges in the MEO investigation where he was found guilty, also various Airmen were given article 15's for their conduct during this event which is also documented

3. I've got the original MEO investigation paperwork where harassment and discrimination

were confirmed (13 pages the events from beginning to end)

4. I have my OJT record book where the perpetrator refused to sign me off on work that I was doing on a daily basis, he was threatenening my career

5. I have medical paperwork (that I'm looking at today more deeply) that shows the PTSD kicked in (chest pains and other things) so I can pin point exactly when the PTSD was beginning medically, you can tell I was under stress from some of these med documents

6. The later pregnancy documents where I have subchorionic bleeding

7. The medical profile documents regarding my pregnancy and the events of my pregnancy before the bleeding and after the bleeding

8. a letter from the Environmental Health Hazard office that came in and evaluated my workplace

9. a copy of a letter from the First Sgt. after the pregnancy complications which talk about the complications and my housing needs (at that point I was bleeding on bedrest for a month told I wasn't going to have my child by OBGYN)

10. A copy of the Security Clearance taken away (Secret clearance) just a few months after the bleeding (why was my security clearance taken away for "financial irresponsibility" after I had just been bleeding from the Uterus, this is absolutely amazing that shows exactly what happens and how there was an attempt to cover it up as if I was some irresponsible bleeding woman. Yeah my finances have a ton to do with my Secret Clearance at that point

11. This alleged "financial irresponsibility" I signed and agreed to taking away my security clearance, I wonder if that includes the first months where I got to the base and the perpetator trying to befriend me in the beginning, sold me a non-working vehicle, I had totally forgotten about it but just found the receipt he signed selling me a '89 non-working Honda for $1000 with rolled back miles clearly, I was literally pushing the car around the base when I first got there because he sold me a non-working vehicle, looking back now what I know it's illegal orders to sell anything to your supervisee.... does that include my financial irresponsibility? buying a broken car from the perpetrator? I had never thought about that until the other day I've been trying to unhoard boxes of paperwork and found the receipt so that futher proves my "financial irresponsibility" included what exactly? Old college loans have nothing to do with the fact that I was bleeding from my placenta nor should my security clearance been taken away in the matter that it was. The paperwork should have said at that point "taken away for onset of PTSD". That right there is classic example of what happens. Since I found the receipt it makes me go back to the beginning of the events, he was so "nice" and friendly and "helpful" towards me shortly after that it turned to threats and harassment

he saw me coming a mile away, i was his target.

12. during the investigation the commander gave me a copy of email (i dunno what he was thinking)

and the email is correspondences between him and the MEO office and him and the Base Commander, and it was talking about the beginning of the MEO investigation and the commander states exactly "the hell she has been put through" and other things and that "this will never happen under my chain of command again"...blah blah blah (YET he acted as a gatekeeper in his own ways too looking back now I'm not afraid of these men anymore) ...so I've got copies of personal email correspondences talking about the harassment case

many more copies of more gov documents and proof im starting to dissociate a little sorry

then copies of what happened in the aftermath

I applied for the FOIA (freedom of information act) and i was denied access to my own documents, thankfully I had already made my own copies but I wanted to see what FOIA had and that was denied...I saved those letters

copies of records from my first mental health hospital check in where I was so dissociated and in fear/trauma that I thought everyone around me was wearing BDU's and coming to hurt me. I had locked myself into a small apartment I had and I was in so much fear when I first got home I totally whacked out mentally.

after that i was whacking out and worse and worse and worse

homeless shelter letters faxed to the VA directly from the shelters (later homeless shelters when I found out I should add those to my case)

documented pharms I was on and off different things for "bipolar illness" which I didn't have

copies of notarized temp. guardianship custodial records for family members to take care of my child

when I got worse (the hardest thing in my life)

information from the C& P exam

i started documenting everything and started documenting calls to the VA 800 number

i was hoarding so it's really good because now i'm trying to "unhoard" and throw out a mess of paperwork but in that I still have all of the documents from the beginning so I'm kind of happy

I hoarded otherwise I would have thrown out the papers a long time ago

copied email correspondence to the base MEO office where i requested information and they acted

like they didn't know anything about it (yet it was one of the more severe cases from 2004 because a letter came straight down from the Sec of the DOD regarding the harassment policy at the base and I saved that memo- i found it online researching within months of leaving the base), i had known that after i left there was a base wide briefing about harassment but also a MEMO from the Sec. of the Air Force came down to the base.

there is a lot of documentation

i'm really starting to dissociate so hopefully that makes sense I'm all over the place

[MSTANDFEDUP]

this is the most focused i've been since prior to the events

im going to pull myself up by the boots and get this done

if i get anything else done in my life in case i really go off to la-la

land it's getting these documents out there

i dont wanna quit but i dunno how much mental health i have left