ptsd Mental Health Over Filled

[my3jcc]

I haven't been on this site since about a month ago. I was suicidal and wanted to lash out. Since then the people around me that I had learned to trust has violated that trust. I went to my va psychiatrist to get help...I also called the hotline and ended up hanging up on him (I don't know why...all I can say it's a matter of trusting who really knows what to do.) I'm tired of explaining how or what I'm feeling. It's not a matter of what I'm feeling...it's a matter of how out of control my head/brain/thinking is. If it's quiet-there's a loud buzzing sound in my head. I turn on the radio and/or tv so that I won't hear it. I get so angry. Just excuse my jibber and let me let you know who I am. I am a u.s. army veteran and have been diagnosed from the va psychiatrist with PTSD in 2003 I did not file for compensation until 4 years later, Feb 2007, and was notified just a few weeks ago 70%PTSD. The va counselor insisted that I sign a few forms (Unemployability and Vocab Rehab???) I really don't care about all this. What I care about is my life...my anger. I hate living like this. It's very hard for me to even think of setting foot out of my front door without my insides turning upside down. I had a trigger 4 days ago (more disturbing than all the others) sent me reaching out because I felt like hurting someone (instead I went out to the parking lot with a bucket of paint and starting smearing profanity words all over the persons vehicle---haha this was about 2:30am). I warned him I'll kill him in his sleep. I really wish I could but I'm too caring. I've been on line hunting someone down planning his accidental death. I've told this to the va psychiatrist friday and wanted to be locked up/put away...but was told the mental facility is consisted of two wards and overbooked. It was suggested that I get a hotel room away from the stressor/trigger and get better food than what the the facility could ever offer. What? It's not about the food or getting away...it's about pain and how I'm planning to self medicate (with killing or be killed).

Can anybody tell me how they survived this craziness (if it happened to you??) After the military I joined the civilian police force (training was very hard to get through-cadre thought I was out of control or maybe weak/crazy/emotionally distrubed) They graduated me anyway. Reported for duty intoxicated (this time I let it be known) confronted innocent people then had an altercation with the luetenant (supervisor) on duty-got in my vehicle and revved up the engine while he was on the sidewalk and scared him. Made me laugh. Aimed straight towards him. haha. I had earlier threw down my weapon I dared him. I was crazy and stupid. But that's what I mean...I don't want to know how far my thoughts will become reality. Guess I don't have to tell you what happened to that so called job (to protect--from me??)

I take flouxetine and buproprion. I was on Aripriprizole (sp?) but my va psychiatrist says I need to feel my feelings so took me off of it earlier this year. Doc explained wanted to put me on as little meds as possible and use the grounding skills taught at Menlo Park, Cali (inpatient 2006). Grounding skills...another temporary power of the mind va solution. Now they want me to return and talk about the trauma in depth because they feel this is best. I can't it's turns my brain into a food processer (maybe that's where all the noise is coming from...haha). Anybody out there that can relate?? please email or comment back. sorry for the blah blah. Take care and God Bless.

my3jcc

[kansasguy]

Jcc here in kansas the VA has contracts with differnt mental health hospitals. I was in a town one night and got around a situation that i brought up my emotions I called the police they came and got me. They took me to a local hospital and when they found out I was in VA care they called VA and got me to the VA with in 12 hours. But I know how you feel dude. Before service I had no criminal issues or behaviral problems. I got out of service and with in one moth I was arrested for open container. Than I had 2 duis since service. I also have assult charge that I got when a guy grabed me from behind me around my neck and i blacked out and started punching him took 3 guys to get me off the guy and calm me down. I was never like that prior to service.

[my3jcc]

The doctor on duty that was laughing told me I had to leave the property. she was a a**. But i take my meds now and doing better. Only get like that twice a year.

It's strange that you mentioned you get this twice a year...you made me realize that this time of the year from August to January was when I was exposed to a matter of survival and leaned towards dissassociation just to live through it. If you don't mind me asking-what meds are helping you? And as far as medical staff...I feel like 95% of them haven't been there and only text book junkies. I hope you continue to better health and wish, I, one day could say the same. Thank you.

my3jcc

[kansasguy]

i am on citalopram. My dr gave me differnt ones to try and this is the one i been on for the longest period. I also try to avoid things that might bring up the emotions. My worse period is July-Sept.

[my3jcc]

Jcc here in kansas the VA has contracts with differnt mental health hospitals. I was in a town one night and got around a situation that i brought up my emotions I called the police they came and got me. They took me to a local hospital and when they found out I was in VA care they called VA and got me to the VA with in 12 hours. But I know how you feel dude. Before service I had no criminal issues or behaviral problems. I got out of service and with in one moth I was arrested for open container. Than I had 2 duis since service. I also have assult charge that I got when a guy grabed me from behind me around my neck and i blacked out and started punching him took 3 guys to get me off the guy and calm me down. I was never like that prior to service.

Public Intoxication is a familiar road. Driving under the influence never bothered me...even when I was pulled over the cops knew my car and would let me go (just because I was once on the force). Little do they know I needed to be locked up and instead would let me go back on the road this was not helping but added to my obnoxiousness (sp?) and feeling of being invisible. That I could do anything to anybody without having to face any consequences for my action. I can see how I've been crying out for help.

Where do we go from here?

my3jcc

[kansasguy]

I been very fortute except for the one DR at the VA that laughed at me when I went there one night cause I was haveing troubles. But other than that I been very lucky with help. My reg VA doctor is very understanding. Have you tried a patiant advacote(spelling) maybe they could voice your concerns and help you get in the VA

[john999]

I think it is malpractice and should be a firing offense for a VA doctor to turn away a vet who is either suicidal or showing signs of great distress. I read constantly how the military is trying to prevent suicide. Did the VA not get the message?? I think soldiers have the public's eye, but vets can be forgotten. There was one here that Carlie mentioned who treatened to blow up the local VARO. The VA made a federal case out of it. He was off his meds. Half the vets in Florida probably have thought about blowing up that joint except then never called them up and said it.