tdiu Will I Escape My Anti-Social World

[82airborne]

Well this is a new thread. I have completed a 16 week course of psychotherapy in a group of about 10-15 people. I have realized I prefer being alone away from strangers. I hate going to hospitals and it's a bunch of STrANGE individuals around me. Right now I'm feeling extra jittery lightheaded shaky all of the above. My question is how will psychs are MEDS stop these crazy thoughts that I have. Will I stay jittery. I swear I take about close to tn pills a day my primary are physician says that my liver points are up. It could be because of the pills I don't know. That's one reason I been paranoid of going to the doctor. When I didn't go to the doctor all my lab results was fine. Now that I keep current with doctors it seems my health s getting worse and worse. Ok I'm 90% disabled my income is ok and stable but it as done nothing far as my mind and the way I think. So I realize like a said months ago no money in the world would benefit you if your mind isn't right. So yes I plan on staying in therapy just not group counseling. I will only leave the house for doctor visits and psych visits. I will avoid being around strangers because I still have a very violent side that's easily provoked. This February I turn 40. Will I part I doubt it. I have no real. Desire to party with others. Even with my family I have mild desires of being with. So this is where I'm at right now. My insurance waiver has been waived for 10,000 dollars of insurance I called the insurance to check and make sure I was right because in my health right now death. Is certan to my future. I told her I was 90% disabled and my fees was waived she said the only way it was waived if I was Lund totally disabled. So I guess they got me at 10O% disable they just haven't told me. I don't know. I plan on calling the 800 number to check to see if I need to submit anything for the tdiu part of my claim. OOOOH well today starts a new chapter of my life after group therapy. Once again THANX for having me one more time. This place have helped me get through many miserable nights when insomnia reared it's ugly head after I wrote out my thoughts on here I was able to go to sleep so I guess venting helps

[82airborne]

Well another day. I find if I stay isolated it helps me stay out of trouble. Ok I hope I don't get to graphic for all. Ok before I toke Prozac I was evil to my gal. I gotta say one thing it has helped me be a more loving person to her and my family. So when I closed my eyes I could see every dead person that I know in a long black room standing side to side. It was a light shining on all of them even tho the room was pitch black. Then besides that if I didn't see that I would see my dead sergeant that died on pope air force base when that c-130 and jet crashed and killed burned amputated my battalion. When I see him in my head he is in a wheel chair with his arms and legs cut off and his head is hanging down as if he want me to feel guilty about not taking that jump I was scheduled for. Doctor Sanchez. He was a tough sergeant. He would carry hundreds of pounds a true grunt combat medic. I can't lie after that happened I snapped. I started beating on soldiers in my company and more I can't talk about. But it got me arrested. That's when I started to burn and cut myself. I use to carve REDRUM in my arm with beer bottle caps. To this day I got a ring of burns around my arm. Man twenty years almost of madness. Playing chicken on dark country roads. For a while I was fascinated with death. I wanted to really die. I wanted to take my chances on the other side. I USTA wanna beat people so bad my stomach would hurt till I would spit up blood. Only thing that saved me was burning and carving smashing wooden gates with my fist I'd be at work by myself smashing my face with a helmet. My entire life I have been broke and poor. My family treated me like crap not truly understanding my anger issues. How deep my problems go. My attempts late night when everybody was sleep. Fortunately I never got to go trough with the things I wanted to do. Thank GOD. THAT I could ever find what I was looking for. But the Prozac has stopped me from seeing those things so frequently. My problem now is when I'm In crowded places I think violent thoughts about the people around me I see very disturbing images. I do not want to be like I. Am it seems the more stressed I get the more dangerous I get. I remember trying to tell my mother about my issues she said I had the devil in me and I needed to go to church she had no compassion like I was making excusses when I was telling her the truth. Many nights I cried on my balcony sad lonely feeling helpless. People well so called associates thinking I be playing with the things I say. all the years I couldn't buy my child Christmas gifts or birthday gifts because I couldn't hold down a job. Then when I became all the way disabled my family would go to parades and guess what I could not go because I am in pain the majority of the time when I try to walk. For a while. Man I was really about to loose it before my SSDI and military benefits kicked in. I was seeing my self jumping off a build board over and over again. Yes as y'all can tell I can't go to sleep. I'm trying to clear my mind so I can go to sleep. Man that wait year after year to get the benefits that you earned and worked so hard for. Actually this is my crisis line you Guys right here. I been with you guys for about a year or so now. Believe me this place has given me a outlet. So as of now I pretty much see thing out the corner of my eyes when I look guess what nothing is there I look at the ceiling when I wake up at night I see black things moving around on the ceiling when I drive it seem like I'm BEIN followed. I sometimes hear screams gunshots when I close my eyes. Day after day I'm light headed nauseous and numb. Is it my pills I take is it my health who knows. Pain is a every day situation for me. What would make me happy is getting my credit right where I can qualify for a house in the outskirts of California. I want a stable place of my own where nobody can kick me out. My back psuedoarthrosis bulging disc spondylolythesis. My whole body just stay in pain. Sometimes this feel like one big dream like I'm in a coma and all this is on big stupid nightmare but I guess things could be worse. I could be locked up in jail. Really I'm so confused even tho I'm making it every day it seems like either the va doctors trying to kill me or they will try tO take away my service connection. This has been a hard life. Hopefully I can live the last of my days comfortable peacefully with love in my heart. If there is a hell I know 9 out of 10 I'm doomed to burn. Intrusive thoughts plague my mind everyday. It's things that trigger me off where I become uncontrollable and violent. What will change in my life that will take away my anger these bloody thoughts in my head. OOOOH well I think I will try to go to sleep I needed to get this out of my head.

[Loose Cannon]

Here's a good read...check it out...

http://www.dav.org/wp-content/uploads/DAV_PTSDBrochure-2.pdf

[82airborne]

Here's a good read...check it out...

http://www.dav.org/wp-content/uploads/DAV_PTSDBrochure-2.pdf

Ok I'm checking it out now THANX !!!

[maset22]

Hang in there 82nd, do you remember never failing a mission? This PTSD you will not fail. Hits, bumps, thoughts, cry, all will happened. But you know how to survive, no matter how hard. Intrusive thoughts when hits, right away take your mind somewhere pleasant to you. Airborne. All the way.

[82airborne]

Hang in there 82nd, do you remember never failing a mission? This PTSD you will not fail. Hits, bumps, thoughts, cry, all will happened. But you know how to survive, no matter how hard. Intrusive thoughts when hits, right away take your mind somewhere pleasant to you. Airborne. All the way.

AIRBORNE THANX

[82airborne]

Hello world. I have stayed inside away from the public. I don't want no problems. Happy holidays to all. I'm still in one on one therapy. Taking my pills as scheduled. I wonder will I ever be able to enjoy life outside of the house. We'll old va doc gave me Tylenol three it does nothing for my pain. It seems I'm either dealing with physical pain or mental mischievousness. I would love to be social but as the days go by I believe I will live a life of isolation. Living like that seems to be the only answer to my freedom. Well that's it for now. Monday it's psychiatric meeting. Another day in the road to recovery.