Life After 100% Service Connection

[82airborne]

Well now that my claim is finished I'm trying to discharge my student loans so my credit will get better. The vocational rehab guy keep telling me about school. I might as well go to the prison and ask them to enroll MEE. At this point me and people do not mix. Also I don't want to commit to anything. Before I do anything I need to get my health together. I'm pretty much bleeding from time to time out of both ends. Yes. Old doc say my liver point is up most likely to being a alcoholic when I was in my twenties. I been avoiding all contact with unknown people. All I really want. It is not money for school but I just want my credit to get right where I can get a home loan then I pretty much want to disappear to the suburbs of California. Education I can read books. I have no desire to be around people. I walk with a cane every day. I see people looking at me then turning they head when i look they way. But not to stray from what I'm saying I put in for a school loan discharge so I will attempt on letting YALL know how it helps my credit if it do. So this is where I'm at now still going to the psych and medical doctors at the va. So my main goal is to pretty much disappear but not disappear from society.

[Loose Cannon]

I live with her and her mother I been with my child since she was a baby

WOW! Guess that makes sense now...LOL! Open mouth, insert foot to me!

Just calling myself out...hee-hee!

LC

[82airborne]

Finally got my hydrocodone from the va. It's been a very much awaited pain pill that I needed. Also with all my other cocktails I been taking meclizine a motion sickness pill to take away some of my dizziness and nausea I don't know if its been actually working but one the other hand I have been back drowsy again. I'm probably taking about 15 pills a day. My eyes be blood shot and I can't sleep a full night without waking up at 2-4. Also when I was raking my ambien I still woke up. Whatever's going on in my back it has toke out my whole left leg. I can still use it but its like somebody got they combat boots and kicked me dead in the keeeeeester honestly both legs and my toes is hurting from what I don't know I haven't done anything to aggravate my back or leg. My primary care physician has ordered a MRI of my head I guess for my hearing I would love for them to scan my brain to see if any changes has token place in my head. I'm still having dizzy spells when I turn my head. OOOOH well this is where I'm at today still inside the house I pretty much stayed in my dark room all day not messing with anybody. :-) HERES a smile through the battle we must fight for happiness!!!!!

[killemall]

I feel ya. Its midnight in hawaii and Im reading this. I feel the same as you guys. Im not compensated for ptsd but I have tested positive. I doubt Ill ever get money for it but I dont think it really matters.

Currently I get rougly 40k a year from going to college plus my disability pay. Sounds great on paper but Im focking miserable. I never want to be around anyone or do anything. I despise texting and facebook. I literally dream of just buying a 200k house outside of vegas far from everyone and staying by myself all day.

I get very mad very easily and constantly think Others are either week or want to screw me.

I used to be into cars and weight lifting. I sold my viper two years ago and have been to the gym maybe twice in the past year. I was a borderline body builder two years ago.

Hpw can you care about sports cars or weight lifting when really you no longer care about your self?

I guess Im venting but.....damn

Life has no taste. No up or down or right or wrong.

I miss the happy me. He started fading away back in 09 when my hearing started getting really bad...

My wife and kids would ask me to go to the movies and eat. I didnt eant to be around people and told them to go without me. Then they eventually stopped asking.

Two years later wife had an affair because I never want to do things with her and kids and dont show interest in her life.

I catch her with lover and smack them around. End up in jail and now losing job.

Even more so though want to be around anyone.

Im 33.....not supposed to be this way.

God bless and thanks for letting me know Im not the only one

[Wolfhound88]

Just some advice from someone that's right there with ya brother...I've been working through a lot of the same things as you over the years.

First...try to focus on those kiddo's. You'll always be their Dad...and they'll always love ya. Just do your best to make sure they know you love them too. My kids have always been a balance for me...I can't tell you how many times I've thought of eating a .45, and when it boiled down to it, I just couldn't do it, because I couldn't possibly do that to my little girls. Life's been rough for me, and at many times not fair, but there is no way I ever want my girls to have to live without a Dad because I couldn't deal with things.

Second...Get that claim into the VA for PTSD. It's hard, you don't know where to start...I get it. Find a VSO at the American Legion, VFW, DAV...somewhere and just at least submit the claim to get the ball rolling. The sooner you start, the sooner it will EVENTUALLY be done.

Third...Get back in that gym. You loved it at one time...If you need to, do like I do. Early in the morning or late at night when hardly anyone else is there. Put on those headphones, don't talk to anyone else...just you and the weights. It will take a little extra motivation to get back into the routine, but as you know from being there before, once you make it a habit and a passion again, you'll hate MISSING a day in the gym.

Hope some of these things might be a start...You definitely aren't alone brother...

[Navy04]

Great Advice from all. I tried to take my life a few times, and in the end are families will suffer more than us. Try to focus on what good you have in life, even if it is small. God Bless you and good luck bud. Keep us posted

[82airborne]

I want to thank everybody for sharing their situations. A lot of us fall by the wayside because we don't get help. Only you can decide if you need help. Ooh my good I wanted death but I don't believe in suicide family treated me so ad because I didn't have money. Then when you try to explain to people what's your issues they don't believe you they rather make you out to be the screw up family member tats searching for attention. It's almost like people would rather you hurt somebody rather than admit that you have a psychological problem. My mom new I use to cut and burn myself she said I was full f the devil with no compassion. If they only knew what I do to people when they threaten me. Truthly I don't know what the hell is wrong with me I see things in the dark I will be walking I will hear a scream and nobody is there numbed up on 80mg of Prozac 8 Prazsin tinnitus is the worst of all. People don't realize mental illness isn't something a person want to ave like its a new fad. The lonely days when my amity would leave and say just because you can't go don't mean that we shouldn't enjoy ourselves. It's days my stomach hurt so bad I gotta literally go to the HSPITAL and get pumped full of morphine for a whole day. But who knows GODS will. If my back wasn't messed up and I wasn't pretty much house ridden it s almost a guarantee I would've hurt somebody by now and not because I want to its bloody desires in me that can't be contained once I'm activated thoughts of paranoid thought that I'm being followed when I'm leaving the house. I went to the PTSD 16 week program. I swear it was a nice elderly man in there tat had unconditional love fr human kind I kinda realized everybody isn't out to get me but on a darker note I couldn't really Pay attention because everybody and I ean everybody seemed like they were secret agents like I was a lab rat. I couldn't talk to them look at them every class ending I would hurry up and leave so nobody would try to befriend me. My trust level s CLoSE to none. Adjusting to the pills they got me on took a while every time they upped my des I had violent spells and truthly without this place to vent and get it out of my head I was doomed to do something stupid. It was nights a million and one images of all the negative things I had done was FLIPPIN like a movie before my very eyes I couldn't go to sleep until I wrote about it on here. Sometimes I get graphic in my desires and I apologize but I would rather let my demons loose here than in society. BEIN licked up I was ready to be committed to a psych ward because I needed it I needed change in my life I got tired of being a threat to society. It's good tat if we don't do nothing else if we recognize that we are having mental issues get help and don't be ashamed of what people think because when all is said and done we all have are oWN cross to bare. If I have to lock myself in my house until I die I will just to avoid hurting somebody over my instabilities. At times I just don't understand anything I don know how I got this far most my friends are scared f me thinking I will harm them. I can't lie it's not a day that don't go by I don't think of doing something stupid but I'm glad that I'm able to fight my temptations and stand strong and seek help. Help is the beginning of a fresh start. Well I think I will go to bed now but please feel free to visit I'm glad that I am not alone and it held to have people to share with that won't look at you with that JUDGEMENTAL eye. We have a long road ahead of us and I hope GOD blesses us all to overcome the wickedness that hunts our minds. Once again THANX I was happy to see as many thoughts and shares of situations posted. Nobody understands us better than us. :-)