ptsd I'm Not Worthy

[coastie72]

I turned 64 a few weeks ago, after over 40 years I finally gave in and asked for help with my hearing loss and tinnitus. I was awarded 10% SC for tinnitus and 0% for hearing.

I always had both conditions since leaving the USCG in 1972. Neither was as bad as it is now, especially the tinnitus which is really bad.

I always felt I was undeserving when I look around at what other vets have gone through.

A few weeks ago I contacted the vet crisis line and just unloading all that was pent up inside of me. I had mentioned how depressing and aggravating the tinnitus was to my DAV VSO. I also mentioned thoughts of suicide and recurring nightmares. At that time he suggested we do a claim secondary to tinnitus for depression. My personal Dr. gave me a nexus. My VSO didn't realize like most people how messed up I really am so that was the way we were going.

I spent over two hours chatting and on the phone with the Crisis Line people on Oct. 11th. The lady was very nice and after answering a zillion questions and insuring me I could get help she said that my dreams that also just pop up during the daytime hours are stressors and that I most likely have PTSD along with other issues. My talk with her that day made me feel better and she very well might have saved my life.

She gave me a list of phone numbers to call including the local Vet Center. Today I needed to talk to someone again, so I called the vet center. I spoke with another nice lady that listened to my story and she too said, likely PTSD..........I did not every know until a few months ago that you could have PTSD without combat.

So as we spoke and she calmed me down, I asked her if they had after hours counseling or groups ET. She said yes we do, but ONLY for combat veterans..... That took me back to square one for this day.

I see the VA MH next week, and then I go from there..........I'm beginning to believe what I always thought.... I am not worthy!!!!! I wish I had never started this process! God Help me!

[john999]

When you see MH just let it all hang out. Don't worry about crying or shaking or any of that stuff as being unmanly. Many vets have been carrying this stuff around with them so long they do break down when someone finally asks them about their symptoms. My symptoms were that I seemed turned off to my emotions. I turned them off, and when they turned on by themself I thought I was losing my mind. I had panic attacks where I thought I was dying. Many trips to the ER for "heart attacks and strokes" that were panic and anxiety. I had some other bizzare symptoms as well from severe shock and what they call dissociative reaction. It is your mind's final stand before you go nuts. This may have happened to you where you feel weird and unreal, and the world looks and feels unreal. Very scary to me. Part of severe panic disorder.

John

[Vync]

Hey Britton,

I believe that machine is actually pretty good. My work supposedly provided me with one that they claimed to be 'very expensive' and I found it only cost about $39 and didn't work for crap. The Marsona is about $120, but free from the VA, and has 8 base sounds, 8 overlay sounds, and volume and tone adjustments. Depending on what is going on around me or if it is completely silent, I can adjust it accordingly. It does not fully get rid of it, but helps drown it out. I only wish I had got one sooner. However, I don't wear hearing aids and don't know if this would help. I hope it might.

Chuck75,

My tinnitus is like yours. The high pitched sound of turning on an old TV is what plagues me all the time.

John999,

Your description sounds all to familiar. It is bad enough going to the ER for chest pains and spending the night for observation to find out it was stress or anxiety, but then having the creepy whining of tinnitus on top of all that. It reminds me of The Tell-Tale Heart, with the sound always lurking around and keeping you on edge.

[coastie72]

As for a only getting 10% for sc tinnitus I wish the VA would up that rating because it is very very depressing to say the least.

I understand why they only rate it a 10%, because they can't hear it. In the last 8-10 years the tinnitus has gotten terrible and very depressing, thus a claim submitted for depression secondary to tinnitus. I went a long time suffering from the effects of this condition and combination of hearing loss. It has been there since the 1970's but it really didn't start bothering me much until the 80's. I just sucked it up and pressed on. I can't just press on any longer, it's killing me.

Praying for a positive outcome. I live for my wife only!

[coastie72]

Hi Coastie,

The previous members of the Hadit family have offered a lot of great advice, but I want to focus on the tinnitus aspect. I am also SC for tinnitus and know very well how it can be a significant problem of its own. The VAMC audiologist actually provided a solution that actually helped me get some relief.

The audiologist wrote a consult and the VA mailed me a Marsona 1288A sound conditioner. I got it a couple of weeks later. This device helps drown out the tinnitus and has a lot of great options, such as a sleep timer for when I go to bed. It even came with a battery pack for C-batteries (not included) just in case of a power outage. This device is definitely a lot better than doing nothing at all. If you notice that you sleep better when it is raining or storming outside, then this device might be helpful. For me, it definitely helped reduce the severity of the tinnitus factor, which can be very depressing by itself. A link to the device web page can be found here: http://www.marpac.com/Marpac-Marsona-1288A/dp/B00E014DM6 I am not sure if they still issue that one, but I have been very pleased with the results it has given me.

I'm just wondering, if this device emits an offsetting noise would it not disturb my wife?

As it is now we almost never watch TV together because I have to have it so loud to hear it. The same with the radio in the car, I drive her nuts. I'm willing to try anything. I go tomorrow for my first visit with a MH Dr., I guess my phone call caused me to get that before a regular Dr.

Praying.

[coastie72]

I agree with Carlie.

Go to the CBOC.(Vets Center). They will help you. That is what the Center is for.

Find your local Vet Center. It won't be far from you where ever you are. Just walk in the door and ask questions.

Good Luck my friend and welcome to hadit. Things will work out fine. All for one and one for all here at hadit.

In my first post of this thread I mentioned that I did contact the "Vet Center" locally. Only after long conversation with a really nice lady did I learn that they only offer counseling to Combat Vets with PTSD? The call ended there.

That really made my day. I had just spilled my guts to someone that listened and asked questions but could not offer help.

It upset me so bad I called back about 30 minutes later to thank her, but to let her know that when she told me they only help combat vets, it had erased any good that her conversation done. Another terrible day and feeling of worthlessness.

Edited October 29, 2014 by coastie72

[Buck52]

Burt,

not sure if this helps you? or you may already know just letting ya know incase you didn't buddy......but have you gone to the VAMC (veterans Addmin Medical Center...near you?

if not go there & sign up you will get a pic ID just take your DD-214...Usually you have to wait to see a Dr but it would be worth it and you may be service connected, Burt you don't have to be a combat vet to be service connected, who ever you talk with on the phone didn't know what they were talking about &if your service connected then you can be compensated for your loss of hearing....if you file a claim the people here at hadit can help you with it...if you don't file a claim you can still receive medical help and see an audiologist ect,,ect,, and maybe the mental clinic if your depressed.

but you may already know all this? just passing the info to ya buddy.