Rage

[bionoce]

Looking to see how others deal with rage issues and not going berserk on people. Thanks

[Andyman73]

I swallow it up, like the snake eating it's own tail. My wife thinks I'm just stupid. No more and much much less. I get a bit of relief when I mow the lawn, and my elderly neighbor's lawn. But that is only a few times a week. She takes any issue or slight and makes it a huge deal. And verbally express her thoughts, whipping a dead horse into dust, and then whipping the dust into individual atoms.

I feel as if no one understands, and so, I tell no one. I feel invisible most times, except when I feel deserving of punishment. Then I feel as if that is my purpose of being, to receive punishment for any slight or wrongdoing of my short 41 years of life.

My kids are the only reason I am still alive. Not my parents, not my brothers, other family or the friends I don't have, keep me from the constant thoughts of it.

[Gastone]

Time to get into or back into a VA Mental Health Group or individual therapy program. Self-treatment without professional assistance seldom works.

Semper Fi

Gastone

[USMC_VET]

Read the responses here, and google as well as seek professional help, try everything. what works for you may not owrk for me an vice versa. That being said what has helped out alot for me is gardening and permaculture design. The act of cultivating life, of learning from nature and working with it has helped to bring a lot of peace and balance to my life. Faith also helps me as well

[TALON II FE]

Thanks everyone. I do go to counseling weekly, mostly Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR), but I couldn't go this week due to IBS flare up and I have started a monthly peer support group as well. Yesterday was a very rough day and I could see things spiraling but I just couldn't stop it. My wife took that all to a dangerous place because of financial concerns and her own lack of understanding. I try and get her to go see "someone" too, but she refuses. She has her own issues from growing up with alcoholic parents and that just muddies the waters even more. She doesn't understand and that, and she just does not understand any of what we go thru and she will not stop pushing when I let her know (repeatedly) that she is triggering me and to please leave me alone and give me space. Effectively, she does not allow me to step back and reset and it makes things dangerous for us both. We have been married for 11 years and I was always extremely "Type A" and I don't think she can understand how I am "not in control" now.

I had to spew some of it out here to "release" it and I did talk to a "battle buddy" I met 6 months ago dealing with very similar problems, so we give mutual support, mainly thru text. I have been trying to work on this without PTSD meds, I am sick of pills, I was taking around 30 pills a day at one point and I am down to less than 10. I also thought that by masking things with meds, I wouldn't really be dealing with my issues and would be putting a band aid on them instead. I am coming to realize that I may need that band aid, at least for a while. My PCM referred me to a psychiatrist a couple weeks ago for meds, but the referral hasn't made it to me yet. The worst part of these "flare ups" of my PTSD is how hollow and saddened and ashamed I feel afterwards and I spewed some of that out here as a way to try and get past it. The simplest and yet hardest to follow advice I have ever received was to "just let it go". I am trying very hard to get better at that and I wish my wife would do the same. We have both been thru hard times, together and individually and we could face them better together but, instead, I feel like she is my worst enemy in this battle, and it hurts and frustrates me. Most of my struggle with this is sort of like I have been for the last year; it never leaves the house.

It was hard for me to seek help for this. When I did, I was still on AD, but even with about 15 visits with mental health on base they weren't treating me, I think they were trying to prove or disprove my condition. When they were finally going to put me thru the treatment protocols, I went on Terminal Leave for 100+ days and TriCare freezes all treatment except continuing and emergency care. I live 1.5 hours from my last duty station, and the treatments were twice a week. I was suffering tremendously from recent surgeries and tried to move my treatment to another base only about 20 minutes away. That transfer was handled between the clinics, but TriCare would not authorize it because I was on terminal leave. The reality is that I should have been held over for 6 months once the PTSD diagnosis was changed from "chronic adjustment disorder, but I was not. I spiraled downward for about that same amount of time before I called the crisis line because I was fearful of what I might do to myself and I have been trying to claw my way out of this hole ever since.

One problem is giving an honest assessment to the health care providers, I am smart enough to not hit any of their triggers on their assessments that I am not willing to hit. I did it for at least 10 years on AD, and I know many, many do this. I have never, nor do I believe I ever could, admit to any suicidal inclination which arose, for example. I am sure my PCM believes that things are exaggerated, I can read it from her, especially when I said I never leave my property. The reality is that I can turn the "old me" on for short bursts, especially in those situations because I can't stand the "looks" you get and I use force of will to overcome it temporarily. I think these docs think that if you can do that, you could do it all the time. I know from experience that this is not the case; I simply camouflage. If my own wife can't relate, how can someone I see for 20 minutes every few weeks discern it?

Just a couple weeks ago, I overheard an AD doc in neurology in the hallway going on and on to another employee about how they were wasting time and resources providing therapy and treatment for retirees and vets (like me) and it was like a kick in the stomach. How much more talk like this goes on? How could any of us ever get suitable treatment from someone like that who had predetermined that we are "unworthy" of his treatment? I always had respect and appreciation for those that came before me, but obviously that feeling is not universal. I do find comfort in all of you who are fighting the same battle, and I feel less isolated and alone. I try and share because I know I am not weak and I know all of you fighting this internal battle are stronger than some others may see as, too. One day at a time. It is helpful for me to express these things and I hope it may be helpful to someone reading them. We are in this together.

[bionoce]

PTSD has flare ups just like hemmeroids. Haven't been able to find a good ointment like Preparation H but some of those "normalizing" things help me like taking a shower. I found a place that has float tanks that I hear are super relaxing. Weightlessness....that "just let it go" statement got me. I like how people think that because a person looks fine that they're good to go. I have a family function this weekend and that's what I'll hear. "You look good".....I feel like saying "listen you superficial mother fckrs. You have no clue what goes on inside. None" So I have to end up leaving. F em man. They don't know.

Edited June 18, 2015 by bionoce

[Andyman73]

bionice,

Keep in mind that, just like a used car that may look good on the outside, it doesn't mean that it runs well, too. So...maybe you look good, but don't feel as well as you look. I usually give non-commital answers, like "Thanks", that way no one asks any questions I really don't want to answer. Or if they ask how I am, usually I say something like, "living and breathing, one day at a time". Or something similar. Again, a non-commital answer that doesn't really invite more questions regarding how I am.