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  • Can a 100 percent Disabled Veteran Work and Earn an Income?

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Stuck In Past


Something I started to realized the past few days is im mentally stuck in the past. Stuck around the time everything happened to me, but it doesn't make sense because a lot of non-mst stuff I can't remember, I have a hard time putting things in a timeline, and it still feel like i'm back in 2005. I watched doctor Phil about the boy who killed his mother with a sludge hammer and what doctor Phil said hit me hard. I believe my own reality and not what my doctor keeps telling me. My fears, thoughts, anxiety all feel normal to me and what everyone else is saying just isn't true. At the same time I feel guilty for being 70% SC for ptsd and waiting on BVA process. My doctors, lawyer, ect tell me I need to be at least IU, but I don't feel that way. Most of the time I feel normal, but I don't go about a normal life. I stay home most of the time and all the 'marks, behavior,' ect the doctors say makes me IU, but I still feel normal. Numb, lots of anxiety, and other 'mental' issues, but I believe I am normal. After the RO using the excuse that I play pc games to not grant me an increase and/or IU has killed any trust I had for the VA. IDK if any of this even matters or if my doctor needs to know this is how I think and feel. I fear retaliation from the RO if I say my life feels normal to me. If the RO will say im not IU or greater than 70% because I play civilization 5, then they'd pull one sentence from my doctor visits and use that against me. They won't care that I spend on average 4 days a week not leaving my house, can't handle front blinds open, ect. My ptsd makes me feel lost, can't understand what someone is saying, forget what to do like swap cc at wal-mart, ect when whatever causes me to panic. Even now my grass needs to be cut, but can't get myself out there because a few houses down is a yard sale.

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I just watched "Brain Games". They explained when we go through a traumatic event, "time often slows down" because the brain "imprints" the event

and we live it over and over. They say the brain does this out of preservation, so that if such an event happens again, we know how to avoid it, as our brain goes into "hyperdrive" when a life threating event happens, such as a stressor for PTSD. Then, we live it over and over because our brain photographs the event and plays the tape over and over, so that we can survive then next trauma event or, better yet, avoid it completely. After I saw that, suddenly PTSD makes sense to me.

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That makes a lot of sense. My therapist explained it as electrical lines in the brain that get engraved or something like that. I stopped putting much thought into what she says after she contradicted herself and i'm almost 100% that she was telling me what she thought I wanted to hear. To me, give it straight, no candy coating, no bs, no being coy about it. What really annoys me the most about this kind of behavior from her is she tells me my reality isn't true and I need to open up, emotionally, to get better and see the real reality, but then she tries to sugar coat everything. Just give it to me straight. Then my pill pusher, doctor, tells me I need to make an appointment and start seeing her or someone else again. I wish I knew how to emotionally open up. I even thought about seeing a female mind reader, but I can't get past the issue of one having me close my eyes and lay back.

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Years ago, I worked with "troubled youth". Many of them had been abandoned by a parent. They did not trust anyone anymore. To get them to trust others again, whe showed them trustworthiness. We had six of us stand behind them, and instruct them to "fall backwards". We then caught them, like we said we would. Slowly, we earned their trust back.

You should hang around someone very trust worthy...but then you have to trust them, as it is a two way street..trust and being trusted. Its hard for this to happen when you feel betrayed. For me, I put my trust in a higher power, God, and dont expect perfection from people. Im rarely disappointed.

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Its is through knowledge that understanding comes. Many years ago I learned that people who suffered like I did understood much more than the professionals I looked to for answers.

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