ptsd What is PTSD like

[USMC_VET]

People sometimes ask what is PTSD like? often they dont know i suffer from it, but this is always my answer

*also i know there are many many various forms of Trauma that can result in PTSD, whether a horrible car accident or Sexual trauma, since my personal experience was war, that is why i come from that angle*

 

War is like a large black hole in the ground.  As you get closer to it the darkness touches you, in war often you need to go straight into that hole.

A rare few, can enter into the darkness and come out relatively unscathed.

Many are able to go in and crawl back out, but live on that edge, staring into the darkness, and still feel it pulling at them

Too many are never able to crawl out, they stay in the darkness.

 

It is our job as fellow vets and fellow humans to reach our hands into that darkness and pull them out, never leave anyone behind, the public doesnt care, the VA doesnt care.  They feel they have done enough by throwing cash and pills into that hole.  They dont understand that there isnt enough money and medications in the world to build up a hill to crawl up and out of that dark hole.  We must do it ourselves for our brothers and sisters.

Just my thoughts

[Andyman73]

For sure, knap-sack, I don't want to talk about how I feel, I want to know why I feel that way to begin with. 

Doc said something about tapes(he's kinda old school) like computers used to run on.  When we went through our branch's version of boot camp, a tape was created and built upon and refined.  That tape is always running in the background, automatically, it contains programming that makes us feel the way we do when we hear the National anthem, or Taps.  It makes us react the way we do when certain things happen.  Thing is....after we leave the service, the tape keeps running, it didn't come with an off switch, and it's as much a part of us as the tapes we're born with, like breathing, blinking our eyes, heart beating and so on.

Even those with no Military training who suffer PTSD, don't have those tapes running, so that is something unique to Veterans.

[WhyMista]

I will say this as well.  It makes me rather indifferent to others.  I have a severe lack of empathy for virtually everyone.  Even among veterans I am very harsh and critical with regards to who I actually believe truly warrant any empathy from me.  The ones deployed who claim they have severe PTSD when the worst they experienced was a stray mortar round landing within a few 100m of them or the well I always lived in fear of blah blah types.

 

I also have and still do have a complete lack of emotion.  Even anger rarely bothers me.  The prevailing thing most people notice about me is my flat affect.  Whether talking about the death of one of my Marines or whether to get white or wheat bread I have no inflection or expression in my voice or on my face and lastly I have yet to feel any sort of attachment to anyone my own child and soon to be second or my fiancee either.  Now that is probably the one aspect I generally do not mention at the VA because in the end I'm utterly indifferent to that fact as well.  I know that it SHOULD probably bother me but it doesn't and hasn't.  Thankfully I am very adept at emulating emotions so no one not even my MH providers are aware of that fact.

[Andyman73]

I will be honest with you, I have never claimed, nor will I ever, that I was near anything, doing anything with anybody, anywhere.  My father spent 13 months in Vietnam, and is 60% because of it. My Grandfather, (dad's dad) spent a few years fighting the Nazi's in the OSS.  I dare not ever disrespect them, or others that have gone on before me, or come after me, claiming something for which I do not have or warrant.

All I know is what I feel and experience.

[WhyMista]

I will be honest with you, I have never claimed, nor will I ever, that I was near anything, doing anything with anybody, anywhere.  My father spent 13 months in Vietnam, and is 60% because of it. My Grandfather, (dad's dad) spent a few years fighting the Nazi's in the OSS.  I dare not ever disrespect them, or others that have gone on before me, or come after me, claiming something for which I do not have or warrant.

All I know is what I feel and experience.

Yea I don't want it to come off as if I am disparaging people who had different experiences but from my experience many times the ones who speak the loudest about their time in did the least.  Bragadocio is what I can't stand.  The men I served with have no desire to talk about all the things they did etc.

[USMC_VET]

Yea I don't want it to come off as if I am disparaging people who had different experiences but from my experience many times the ones who speak the loudest about their time in did the least.  Bragadocio is what I can't stand.  The men I served with have no desire to talk about all the things they did etc.

did i ever tell you about the time i was BA....

 

i agree.  I remember one sgt in particular on our second deployment.  he was feeling short between the legs because there were PFC's with a fatter ribbon stack them him from deployments while he had been training officers at OCS.  He would talk and talk and talk about how BA he was and how he would be "gettin some" over there on our next deployment.  first few months his vehicle got kindof hit by a IED, was a near miss, but shook them up.  he then ended up spending every night over there no matter where we were sleeping in kevlar and his interceptor vest, he wasnt a big talker for the whole deployment.  after we got back he went back to his usual ba talk like we didnt see how he was and how he acted.  i wouldnt disrespect a guy for being shook up after being nearly killed, although it really wasnt THAT close, but his macho attitude after is what turned any respect towards no respect.  I always found it was usuallly the guys pre deployment that werent big BA dudes that operated the best over there and the gym fiends often talk a big game but were less useful once out on patrol and getting shot at. 

Edited September 9, 2015 by USMC_VET

[Andyman73]

Whymista and USMC_VET,

For me it's the exact opposite, I'm too embarrassed or worse to talk freely of what I did...cuz I was in the rear with the gear, or as my Dad's generation know it, a REMF.  I feel that I don't even rate a seat at the table much less even in the same building.  Yah yah, I know, we all must do something and every job is important...but still....my experience was nothing like yours, Whymista, and that is one of the biggest reasons I keep my mouth shut. I truly feel that to Vets like you(Combat and such) mine was a comparable walk in the park.

Here's 2 prime examples...I missed being deployed for ops relating to the civil war in Rwanda in '94, but then did get deployed for ops relating to same in Liberia in '96.  Both were in support of refugees fleeing the countries, more specifically getting US Civs and VIPs and Fed Gov't civilian employees out. 

As far as PFCs with a tossed salad, I knew a slick sleeve that had 14 ribbons.  He was a S1 admin clerk, and worked 0800-1430. His section chief didn't like him very much, but tolerated him, he was 'the man' as far as knowing and doing his job. I don't know what went down that kept him a slick sleeve, but that Silver Star ribbon sure kept the chief off his back, though.  And as far as talking, no one knew why or how he earned that SS, apparently that part of his file was redacted. Private Poole was very nice, when ever I had to see him for some admin questions.