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Violent to peaceful

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82airborne

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Hello everyone I'm back. How's it going. Good I hope far as my mind set it has changed. After years of counseling and anti psychotics I have realized violence isn't the answer to my problems. I can't lie these past years I have been pretty much in isolation I only leave home to go to the store or fishing. I still have violent thoughts but I don't feed into my thoughts. I'm still having nightmares man if y'all only knew how many CPAP machines I have destroyed in my sleep the number of times my girl have been hit by my in my sleep. I'm still one dizzy camper I guess from tinnitus. Hey after waking up do any of y'all have hallucinations I see a black spider  crawling around are a bunch of binary codes all over my room I can't lie all I love about life is fishing I have moved since last July away from friends and family I finally moved I wish I could have moved on the lake like a couple my old buddies on here but I live close to a bunch of lakes and I guess that's good enough. I still have major anxiety around to many people so pretty much all is the same only thing that has changed is my reaction time at first I use to attack first then think now I think before I attack which I don't attack no more I don't fight I don't even look people in the face and I try to tell everyone hello my violent days is over I won't squeeze my years of absence all in this one post but I have more to tell y'all I left I need some buddies who can relate with me ANG guess what I miss y'all kind words so here I am I do have some stressful stuff going on the va sent my tdiu or total disability to my old address so last month out of the blue they tell me that I'm getting paid for 90% and not at 100% total disability well of course I freaked out got dizzy and my thoughts was all over the place sooooo today is the first and guess what they cut my cash by 1200 dollars unexpectedly bills will go unpaid credit will start to deteriorate starting today I went to the office on the 17th of this month hoping that I could fill the right paperwork out that they sent to the wrong address hoping this stop them from cutting my cash noooooooope it didn't I am officially screwed as of today bouncing back from moving my family to the high desert away from the inner city drama into my new quiet place but yup normally I would have a violent reaction and have crazy violent thoughts and threats but nope I am calm I am mad but not violent I will try to solve this situation with niceness and calmness I have realized its no civilian FUALT that this has happened so this is where I'm at happy fourth y'all I'm back for now ???

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I would love to say I been in happiness but I can't I spend my days in paranoia thinking people is out to get me ,hoping for violence at times hands shaking feeling numb inside all I really want deep inside is just peace of mind to feel safe hallucinations at night still continue stupid dreams still continue then before I go to sleep besides the tinnitus ringing I'm hearing police sirens yells and screams and it just all seems to get worst at times I go in pure mania madness of thoughts for no reason at all but on a brighter note I went fishing last week caught three nice size trout this my first year targeting trout so that really made me feel good fishing and being in my little garden is the only place I feel at ease when I look at my past people just used me to be there bully enforcer I valued their life more than mine I was always willing to give my life to save others until I realized nobody will give they life to save mine ITS ONLY BY THE GRACE OF GOD IM HERE A FREE MAN STILL BREATHING that's why I just stay home I realize I can only chance my luck so many times before I lose and become the victim my intentions is to stay out of sight out of mind if this is possible I love my family but I have no desire to spend time with them why I just don't know sooooo 2017 will be another year of isolation TRUTHLY it's people out there if I see them I instantly go into attack mode then all I hear is helicopters circling me from them calling the police on me so what better way to avoid all of that than by fishing and gardening minding my own business staying out of sight out of mind well happy New Years to you all and may we all stay out of harms way and remember stay of those airplanes and drive it might take longer but at least you have a better chance of surviving thanx for having me 

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Well I have still been in isolation only place I go to is the lake by my house I love the different birds the nature water fish plopping out of the water I love it it's the only place I feel totallyat peace as far as hallucinations while I'm fishing I'm seeing people out the corner of my eyes that's of course isn't really there sometimes yells and I hear people talking to me but when I look there is absolutely nobody there at night I'm still seeing things but for the most part of it all I stay in my little room every day all day without any interest in going outside to be social only thing I really don't care about fishing is people talking to me burning my ears off with questions and topics I care nothing for I can't lie my mind tries to convince me that my life will soon have a bloody end I can't shake the feeling so I guess that's another reason I just stay home I have faced and cheated death over a dozen times so deep inside I'm just a scared middle aged male that only want peace if I stay alive I plan on gardening fruit and vegetables and if I get good production my fruits and veggies will be going to churches older people and whoever I can help save a couple dollars I want to be a blessing and not a lesson I swear I'm tired of being a dummy bully enforcer fighting other people battles when deep inside I have my own battle to fight for peace love and security happy Valentine's Day everyone thanx for having me 2017 WILL BE ANOTHER YEAR OF ISOLATION 

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Well YALL another summer I'm still trying to catch up from when they cut my tdiu part of my disability last year guess what I still feel numb violent mad anxious nervous doped up I'm still in isolation I don't talk to anyone if I can help it they scheduled me for a c &up exam I thought that was strange when they told me they decisions was final and I wouldn't receive no more exams all I'm doing is waiting to be blessed with death guess what my dad died two months ago and I'm at a great loss I still been going fishing but not that much I try to want to go out and be social but when I'm around a lot of people I just have bad thoughts and I would prefer living my life in a room at home than end up in prison for life for giving in to my desires I can't lie my entire life seem like it didn't exist I'm having questions about events in my life wondering did they really happen people tell me things I did and I have no memory whatsoever of what they are talking about I found out that my dad mom her sister and her brother had nervous breakdowns after tragic events and they ended up on psych mess so I guess I do have a history of mental illness truthly im on pins and needles wondering what my future holds but leave it to the voices in my head my ending might not be good my plans is to just stay out of the way let society go on without me while they take selfies I will be sitting with nature enjoying the pretty colored birds every day I'm seeing shadows like the grim reaper walking out of my eye sight when I turn around guess what it's nobody there my question is is these ghost are is my mind really screwed if ghost don't exist then I am truly screwed because I surely see them also I believe they talk to me every one I know that have died I either see them when I dream or when I close my eyes y'all guessed it I'm trying to go to sleep but my mind is racing with thoughts who knows what's real and what's fake but I am writing this in case eventually my mind goes totally blank after a while and I become unable to speak my past so I will finish this summer in isolation if y'all ever hear that I'm in trouble believe me I didn't start it I will merely be responding to whatever comes my way ooooooh well I'm almost 100% sure that when I go to bed another nightmare will unfold or I will dream that I'm in somebody war my last question before I go what if the voices the shadows the ghostly figures the music I hear is real and my mind isn't tripping is that even a possibility oooooh well and yes I'm still taking all my psych meds soil doing what I'm supposed to do to stay out of trouble only places I will go is to the lake to harass mr whiskers ( poor little catfish ) I'm avoiding all possible avenues of anger its people out there if I see them I will instantly turn into a madman SGT SANCHEZ YOU WAS A REAL SOLDIER REST IN PEACE BROTHA 

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