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Violent to peaceful

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82airborne

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Hello everyone I'm back. How's it going. Good I hope far as my mind set it has changed. After years of counseling and anti psychotics I have realized violence isn't the answer to my problems. I can't lie these past years I have been pretty much in isolation I only leave home to go to the store or fishing. I still have violent thoughts but I don't feed into my thoughts. I'm still having nightmares man if y'all only knew how many CPAP machines I have destroyed in my sleep the number of times my girl have been hit by my in my sleep. I'm still one dizzy camper I guess from tinnitus. Hey after waking up do any of y'all have hallucinations I see a black spider  crawling around are a bunch of binary codes all over my room I can't lie all I love about life is fishing I have moved since last July away from friends and family I finally moved I wish I could have moved on the lake like a couple my old buddies on here but I live close to a bunch of lakes and I guess that's good enough. I still have major anxiety around to many people so pretty much all is the same only thing that has changed is my reaction time at first I use to attack first then think now I think before I attack which I don't attack no more I don't fight I don't even look people in the face and I try to tell everyone hello my violent days is over I won't squeeze my years of absence all in this one post but I have more to tell y'all I left I need some buddies who can relate with me ANG guess what I miss y'all kind words so here I am I do have some stressful stuff going on the va sent my tdiu or total disability to my old address so last month out of the blue they tell me that I'm getting paid for 90% and not at 100% total disability well of course I freaked out got dizzy and my thoughts was all over the place sooooo today is the first and guess what they cut my cash by 1200 dollars unexpectedly bills will go unpaid credit will start to deteriorate starting today I went to the office on the 17th of this month hoping that I could fill the right paperwork out that they sent to the wrong address hoping this stop them from cutting my cash noooooooope it didn't I am officially screwed as of today bouncing back from moving my family to the high desert away from the inner city drama into my new quiet place but yup normally I would have a violent reaction and have crazy violent thoughts and threats but nope I am calm I am mad but not violent I will try to solve this situation with niceness and calmness I have realized its no civilian FUALT that this has happened so this is where I'm at happy fourth y'all I'm back for now ???

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Hello world behind the walls isn't so bad only bad thing you can't smoke cigarettes everyone is so nice but I was able to calm my nerves and relax think about things put things into perspective well I have gained two more pills so if y'all notice I'm flipping out its probably due to my new MEDS I think I will go fishing the joy of seeing my pole jerk with a fish on it is priceless woodpeckers pecking bluejays flying and those white flowers that fly through the sky is so peaceful it's like a dream fishing is my only enjoyment I can stay at the lake for24 hours and not want to go home all I can say now from my new MEDS my head been hurting I been peaceful since my doctor visit all I need is peace in my life nothing more is wanted stability a chance to live a life away from the streets ooooh well goodnight I might show y'all my MONSTAR catfish IMMA catch tomorrow we'll it's bedtime so until later my good buddies fish on early 7:30 when my park opens ???

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So the vivid dreams have come I wouldn't call it a nightmare because all night in my dreams I hung out with a beautiful lady that I never met but know over the net she was my gal for the night and I wish I could go back to sleep and finish my dream ??? oh yeah my fishing trip yesterday I caught absolutely NOTHING but I didn't mind nature filled me with enjoyment tonight me and my buddy is going to the valley of the MONSTAR ( A LAKE WITH HUGE CATFISH ) so I have a chance to redeeem myself tonight

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Well y'all another night wow I flipped out just a burst of anger. I feel a lot better it was probably best I checked myself in the psych ward my question is will I see these people again I will I hope no time back to my same place of isolation I'm not bothering nobody if I'm not fishing I'm locked in my room hey hope y'all have a wonderful night I'm just checking with y'all I'm back home now so that is about the facts of my little story goodnight 

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Well another day in isolation uninterested in the world only thing that give me enjoyment is hunting for mr whiskers the catfish and gardening in my backyard my mind won't allow me to be social I been keeping to myself for over ten years now at one point I came to the realization that I am unfit to deal with people on a daily basis violent thoughts plagues my mind in unexpected times so my little home made prison it is my new medicine hasn't really had any bad affects as of yet just maybe more vivid dreams I am very calm and still hoping they fix my IU now that would lift my spirits haaaaaaaa for now it's one meal a day  trying to survive with nooooooo cash its KOOL I believe everything happens for a reason one thing I have learned is when I get that rush of anger its best to spend a night in the crazy house instead of doing stupid things that would have me locked up for the rest of my life my violent days are over I hope but what has worked for me I just mind my business stay in my little room and have very little connection with people ooooooh well this is where I am at today my IU claim is in the preparation for decision I'm hoping all go back to normal any day ???

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