tdiu Violent to peaceful

[82airborne]

Hello everyone I'm back. How's it going. Good I hope far as my mind set it has changed. After years of counseling and anti psychotics I have realized violence isn't the answer to my problems. I can't lie these past years I have been pretty much in isolation I only leave home to go to the store or fishing. I still have violent thoughts but I don't feed into my thoughts. I'm still having nightmares man if y'all only knew how many CPAP machines I have destroyed in my sleep the number of times my girl have been hit by my in my sleep. I'm still one dizzy camper I guess from tinnitus. Hey after waking up do any of y'all have hallucinations I see a black spider  crawling around are a bunch of binary codes all over my room I can't lie all I love about life is fishing I have moved since last July away from friends and family I finally moved I wish I could have moved on the lake like a couple my old buddies on here but I live close to a bunch of lakes and I guess that's good enough. I still have major anxiety around to many people so pretty much all is the same only thing that has changed is my reaction time at first I use to attack first then think now I think before I attack which I don't attack no more I don't fight I don't even look people in the face and I try to tell everyone hello my violent days is over I won't squeeze my years of absence all in this one post but I have more to tell y'all I left I need some buddies who can relate with me ANG guess what I miss y'all kind words so here I am I do have some stressful stuff going on the va sent my tdiu or total disability to my old address so last month out of the blue they tell me that I'm getting paid for 90% and not at 100% total disability well of course I freaked out got dizzy and my thoughts was all over the place sooooo today is the first and guess what they cut my cash by 1200 dollars unexpectedly bills will go unpaid credit will start to deteriorate starting today I went to the office on the 17th of this month hoping that I could fill the right paperwork out that they sent to the wrong address hoping this stop them from cutting my cash noooooooope it didn't I am officially screwed as of today bouncing back from moving my family to the high desert away from the inner city drama into my new quiet place but yup normally I would have a violent reaction and have crazy violent thoughts and threats but nope I am calm I am mad but not violent I will try to solve this situation with niceness and calmness I have realized its no civilian FUALT that this has happened so this is where I'm at happy fourth y'all I'm back for now ???

[82airborne]

Well all is still the same. I wish they fix my situation. I'm just lost in space just going day by day. Just when I was settling in bad dreams hallucinations at night was slowing down but guess what they are back in full force. All I really want is to live like I been living nothing fancy alone in isolation just being with a very few people minding my business fishing catching a catfish here and there I can't lie all of this seems like a very terrible dream that I can't wake up from the last year or two I been quiet I have been sitting in depression NASEOUS dizzy angry sad dealing with intrusive thoughts and drifting in and out of reality FO short spells haaaaaa I wonder how many people will admit to hearing screams and yells and nobody is around or seeing someone run by you out the corner of your eyes just to quickly look and there is nobody there no matter if I win the lottery my mind is still screwed and I truly don't know how I got to where I'm at car crashes the military are all the times I banged my head accidentally on metal bars and objects oooooh yeah LIQOUR and anti psychotics is not a good mix it will have you crying like a baby at past events well y'all guessed it right I'm on my way to bed trying to clear my mind so I can hopefully have a regular dream probably not my girl told me last night I grabbed her in my sleep real tight and how much she was scared man oh man when you have a women that will stick by your side even through mental issues yoooouuuu better keep her haaaaa that might be the reason she spending the week at her parents house ??? oh well tomorrow is a new day I would love to go fishing enjoy the sun but guess what I have no cash so I will be home probably gardening pruning on my fruit trees. Goodnight soldiers. Thanx for your service

[82airborne]

Hey a fishing I will go the heat will be in the triple digits so I guess it's cheaper just to spend my day sitting under the shade instead of running the a/c guess what over the past month or two I have lost about thirty pounds literally not having the appetite to eat just depressed my doctor was impressed with my lab results no more diabetes pills for me the day I checked in the hospital my blood sugar was extra low almost dangerously low I can't lie it's not healthy the way I'm losing weight but I'm reaching weights I haven't see in over ten years only God know what's in my future I pray I'm able to stay in my new location away from the inner city drag homelessness is not a option I would rather death visit me before that happens so I'm just living day by day in my own world unsure of what tomorrow may bring oooooh well to the lake I go to play with the catfish it's almost my only enjoyment in life ???

[63Charlie]

The small catfish taste the best.

I used to fish for them using trotlines and baiting with crawdads.

Biggest one so far was a 33 lb. flathead.

Hope you get better.

[82airborne]

Wow my biggest was only 15 pounds I only caught one today but it was so peaceful ??? and thanx for the good vibes I need them all

Edited July 22, 2016 by 82airborne

[82airborne]

Wow this s been a long long month still no change in my tdiu still in preparation for decision I hope they fix this haaaaaaaaaa I have lost about thirty ponds stressing it's good for my lab work but know kinda bad for me but on a brighter note the catfish action is on fire last year they was going crazy for chicken liver but this year it appears shrimp is the hot ticket this year yup I'm going in the morning fishing all I will have until the evening is water nothing more as my stomach growl I will be patiently waiting for my next catfish to bite if I get my five fish maximum I will be going moooooonday hey I'm not really as angry as I was they added depekote and prazosin all over again I get jittery around to much action but I avoid violence by any means I don't even acknowledge it any more isolation has been my saving grace in all this if I had to deal with people on a every day basis I think I would crack under pressure and have a melt down I swear fishing is the only thing that get me out into society I can't lie I get angry when people bring they dog and let they dog run around without them holding the leash now that really ruffle my feathers so I have at least ten years of isolation under my belt I will never return to society if I'm lucky I enjoy just staying out of the way not bothering nobody I see a new psychiatrist someone put in a console are whatever I gotta go through some assessment test or something but ooooh well thank y'all for having me in y'all would and please please please stay away from airplanes drive gooooodnight and may God bless us all ???

[82airborne]

A fishing I will go A fishing I will go high hoooooo o merry ooooooh a fishing I will gooooo haaaaaaaaaa scattered thunder and lightning is in the forecast hmmmmmm I think I will let God decide if he wants me to come home well thanx for the good luck wishes on me catching my limit on catfish I have a new concoction I call it chimp shrimp soaked in chicken liver blood will it get me a monster only God knows by for now hopefully I'm all by my lonesome at the lake I swear I don't want to fish with a TALKY talk today I just wanna see my pole jerk like its possessed nothing more would tickle my fancy more ???