tdiu Violent to peaceful

[82airborne]

Hello everyone I'm back. How's it going. Good I hope far as my mind set it has changed. After years of counseling and anti psychotics I have realized violence isn't the answer to my problems. I can't lie these past years I have been pretty much in isolation I only leave home to go to the store or fishing. I still have violent thoughts but I don't feed into my thoughts. I'm still having nightmares man if y'all only knew how many CPAP machines I have destroyed in my sleep the number of times my girl have been hit by my in my sleep. I'm still one dizzy camper I guess from tinnitus. Hey after waking up do any of y'all have hallucinations I see a black spider  crawling around are a bunch of binary codes all over my room I can't lie all I love about life is fishing I have moved since last July away from friends and family I finally moved I wish I could have moved on the lake like a couple my old buddies on here but I live close to a bunch of lakes and I guess that's good enough. I still have major anxiety around to many people so pretty much all is the same only thing that has changed is my reaction time at first I use to attack first then think now I think before I attack which I don't attack no more I don't fight I don't even look people in the face and I try to tell everyone hello my violent days is over I won't squeeze my years of absence all in this one post but I have more to tell y'all I left I need some buddies who can relate with me ANG guess what I miss y'all kind words so here I am I do have some stressful stuff going on the va sent my tdiu or total disability to my old address so last month out of the blue they tell me that I'm getting paid for 90% and not at 100% total disability well of course I freaked out got dizzy and my thoughts was all over the place sooooo today is the first and guess what they cut my cash by 1200 dollars unexpectedly bills will go unpaid credit will start to deteriorate starting today I went to the office on the 17th of this month hoping that I could fill the right paperwork out that they sent to the wrong address hoping this stop them from cutting my cash noooooooope it didn't I am officially screwed as of today bouncing back from moving my family to the high desert away from the inner city drama into my new quiet place but yup normally I would have a violent reaction and have crazy violent thoughts and threats but nope I am calm I am mad but not violent I will try to solve this situation with niceness and calmness I have realized its no civilian FUALT that this has happened so this is where I'm at happy fourth y'all I'm back for now ???

[82airborne]

Well I caught absolutely nothing my tdiu is not fixed this is the month if they don't fix my situation my credit will really start to plummet deep inside I'm angry as &$@) and can't do anything I wish I could really speak how I feel I'm sure I will get reported I have complied with the va just paying my bills moved no parties or extravagant spending sprees all I've done was move my family out of the killing zone of Los Angeles/ Compton suppressed my deep violent thoughts avoided stupidity letting people act stupid without breaking they jaw staying in isolation not messing with nobody the question is how long can I keep my anger at bay before some stupid person do something to me just to receive a release of pure anger if I'm forced to rejoin society I guarantee I will end up snapping not that I want to it will just happen and the last thing I want is to spend my years in jail because once I go in I will never get out I can't lie my mind is all over the place low key all it takes is for me to have a bottle of liqour and my inner demon will escape if I lose what I got over stupidity they might as well make plans for my funeral the only thing that keeps me wanting to live is fishing it's not family friends I can spend my life in isolation just fishing I apologize in advance for my words but I need to get this out of my system to calm me down I'm spas sing out right now seven years this madness will be on my credit just because they sent my employment letter to the wrong address but sent my cut off letter saying they gonna cut my cash unexpectedly to the right address all I can do is stay at home away from people so inside the house I will be

[82airborne]

All I can do is go back to sleep I feel naseous heart pacing things is going downhill real fast this HAFTA be a bad dream that I can't wake up from only thing that would make me happy is while I'm sleep somebody come and take me out my misery blow my head off in my sleep just to wake up on the OTHERSIDE I swear I wouldn't be made I will drift to the light without looking back on my life oooooh well goodnight or good morning hopefully I wake up feeling better ???

[82airborne]

Aye thanx for giving me a place to vent I apologize for subjecting y'all to my thoughts I guess it's something about the first when I look at my checking account seeing my balance in the negative field after about twenty years of not burning myself I did it all over again and it actually stopped my anger and tears of frustration just calmed me down I was all alone in my room just in a very dark mood thinking negative since then I have calmed down dramatically I keep having these burst of anger burst of tears out of no where when I'm alone my question is have my self mutilation been reborn as I realize I'm at their mercy and TRUTHLY I dam sho don't want to go to jail when I'm in public it's things and people that instantly send me into rage that's why I stay home away from society well on a brighter note since I haven't been eating my losing weight is having its benefits no more diabetes pills and I'm using my walking cane less I guess all things happen for a reason I'm sur I probably be KOOL until around the first when I see my account go negative again so if I trip out and write angry words I do apologize this is my only and I mean my only place to vent hey my buddy taking me to the Colorado River to play with some flathead catfish this will be my first time flathead hunting so I'm sure this will ease my mind dramatically and once again I apologize for my earlier rants and thanx for having me

[82airborne]

Haaaaaaaaa I caught absolutely nothing but gas Alamo river is contaminated don't go there but I did catch a freakishly huge soft shell turtle on chicken liver and caught one bass in another canal by the muddy mo sooooo this morning I'm going to my hole fishing again out of site out of mind just keeping to myself I see long as I keep myself busy and occupied it keeps my depression at bay my mind is sometimes my worst enemy I start seeing a line up of all the dearly departed that I knew when they was amongst the living in my head my question before I get off this hot crapper I was born and raised Christian so how do I know if the dreams and when I close my eyes and see my friends and family how do I know it's not real when I wake up and see a room of pure madness how do I know it's not real the shadows that move quickly out the corner of my eye just to disappear when I look how do I know all this I see isn't spiritual and actually all the people in my head I can talk to them how do I know I'm not really talking to really them and my mind is not crazy oooooh well it's time to spend this hot afternoon at the lake instead of running the AC I think fishing will be a cheaper situation oooooh well till later my good buddies

[82airborne]

Hey so my lake close at 4:30. All day nothing then 2pm the bite turn on I maxed out with my 5 fish limit yes yes yes I love fishing it helps me escape this mad world 

[82airborne]

Haaaaaaaa my back is completely out major pain WALKIN is not an option today this madness came out of no where I can't lie I went to the store yesterday I felt nervous if anyone messed with me I would definitely lose any battle I can't even fart without being in pain ??? ooooooh well hopefully I will be fishing Sunday or Monday those are the days that the lake be almost empty and that's what I'm looking for I have calmed down dramatically from my reduction I don't know if it's the DEPEKOTE they give me or I realized I'm at their mercy around the first I been getting depressed when I see my account in the negative but since I been on anti psychotics I feel guilt more and I think before I react so y'all guessed it right I'm trying to go back to sleep so goodnight ERRRBODY till next time