tdiu Violent to peaceful

[82airborne]

Hello everyone I'm back. How's it going. Good I hope far as my mind set it has changed. After years of counseling and anti psychotics I have realized violence isn't the answer to my problems. I can't lie these past years I have been pretty much in isolation I only leave home to go to the store or fishing. I still have violent thoughts but I don't feed into my thoughts. I'm still having nightmares man if y'all only knew how many CPAP machines I have destroyed in my sleep the number of times my girl have been hit by my in my sleep. I'm still one dizzy camper I guess from tinnitus. Hey after waking up do any of y'all have hallucinations I see a black spider  crawling around are a bunch of binary codes all over my room I can't lie all I love about life is fishing I have moved since last July away from friends and family I finally moved I wish I could have moved on the lake like a couple my old buddies on here but I live close to a bunch of lakes and I guess that's good enough. I still have major anxiety around to many people so pretty much all is the same only thing that has changed is my reaction time at first I use to attack first then think now I think before I attack which I don't attack no more I don't fight I don't even look people in the face and I try to tell everyone hello my violent days is over I won't squeeze my years of absence all in this one post but I have more to tell y'all I left I need some buddies who can relate with me ANG guess what I miss y'all kind words so here I am I do have some stressful stuff going on the va sent my tdiu or total disability to my old address so last month out of the blue they tell me that I'm getting paid for 90% and not at 100% total disability well of course I freaked out got dizzy and my thoughts was all over the place sooooo today is the first and guess what they cut my cash by 1200 dollars unexpectedly bills will go unpaid credit will start to deteriorate starting today I went to the office on the 17th of this month hoping that I could fill the right paperwork out that they sent to the wrong address hoping this stop them from cutting my cash noooooooope it didn't I am officially screwed as of today bouncing back from moving my family to the high desert away from the inner city drama into my new quiet place but yup normally I would have a violent reaction and have crazy violent thoughts and threats but nope I am calm I am mad but not violent I will try to solve this situation with niceness and calmness I have realized its no civilian FUALT that this has happened so this is where I'm at happy fourth y'all I'm back for now ???

[82airborne]

I can't lie since they fixed my total disability all violent thoughts have stopped nightmares HAVE SLOWED down dramatically my every thought over my situation was death and violence the thought of loosing everything over somebody playing games one of my best decisions was to go check myself into the loony bin when my thoughts got extra violent deep inside I crave pure violence but that only comes out when I'm stressed out feeling hopeless I want to be forever non confrontational but in stressed situations it appears all of that goes out the window but I will continue on being in isolation just fishing and gardening for me I have no desire to be social and make new friends all I want is to live in peace in my own space my daughter is in college now I would love to see her graduate with a degree so inside the house i will remain thanx for having me and not judging my words when I'm in panic mode and those who did pray for me thanx and may God bless you as well I guess this ends this chapter of pure hell until next time

[Buck52]

82 airborn

I understand and agree

..........Buck

[82airborne]

Well a little update all I can feel is depression I'm glad my last situation was fixed but far as feeling happiness I don't feel happy I feel pretty much DOPED up memories that seems to rush in real fast almost send me to tears that I had completely forgot about at times I FEEL guilty for a lot of my actions things I have said I have pretty much crawled into a little hole hoping that the world forgets me and I can just live in peace for the rest of my life I see the world as being so messed up today I got flashbacks of my ex gal when we was at fort Sam for medical training last words she told me was if she was pregnant I don't ever have to worry about it and FOR me to pretty much leave her alone that made me pretty sad today because i would have stayed in my child life if I had the opportunity to BUT guess what it's a ENTIRE line of women that just left me after stating they was pregnant I got to admit my issues is all over the place and I have absolutely nobody worth talking to about my issues I need to tell the truth that PROZAK seem to make me more compassionate and guilty at times they upped my depekote so it seems DAY to DAY I'm just trying to make it to bedtime no real nightmares but at night I still have hallucinations in the night like spiders and stuff like that when I'm in the store I just feel down right weird like I don't belong I wish I could say my problems was fake and they have gone away but it appears I'm getting worse as time come along and I have no idea where this madness is coming from are where it's going well as YALL guessed it im about to take my medicine and go to bed I had to clear my head MY ears is ringing like crazy and all I want is sleep to end this day happy holidays I'm still in isolation with no thoughts of rejoining society

[82airborne]

HEY LAST night I totally crashed my CPAP MACHINE going crazy in my sleep all I remember is kicking my legs violently in the night I woke up my MACHINE was across the room and my mask was still on my face I just wonder what the hell is going on in my head MOST my dreams is violent and OF death also IT appears that dead people visit me in my dream crashing waters quick movements NO words of course I don't know if it's fake or if these deceased people that I see is real WHILE fishing I hear screams PEOPLE walking by just for me to turn and nobody is there if you look at me you would see a big strong man not knowing I am mentally screwed from what or how I just don't know when I'm in public EVERYONE looks like a threat I don't have eye contact with nobody all I want to do is get my stuff from the store and go home I have come to the conclusion that one of these days I will probably totally lose reality at the rate I'm going I avoid all trouble even tho deep inside I crave violence I understand it's not right and not called for so I will remain in isolation I just felt like venting today so thanx for having me 

[Gastone]

10 ft hose might keep your hands off Cpap. Use MHV Secure Msg to ask Resp Dept  Cpap Nurse to order one. I've been using the 10's for a few yrs now, eliminated problems with machine movement.

If you keep tripping to the Wild Side, while sleeping, do what the Wolf-man did, strap yourself down.

Semper Fi

[82airborne]

Haaaaaaa I needed that wolfman joke but thanx for the information I didn't know you can get another longer Hose now that might solve my problem