tdiu Violent to peaceful

[82airborne]

Hello everyone I'm back. How's it going. Good I hope far as my mind set it has changed. After years of counseling and anti psychotics I have realized violence isn't the answer to my problems. I can't lie these past years I have been pretty much in isolation I only leave home to go to the store or fishing. I still have violent thoughts but I don't feed into my thoughts. I'm still having nightmares man if y'all only knew how many CPAP machines I have destroyed in my sleep the number of times my girl have been hit by my in my sleep. I'm still one dizzy camper I guess from tinnitus. Hey after waking up do any of y'all have hallucinations I see a black spider  crawling around are a bunch of binary codes all over my room I can't lie all I love about life is fishing I have moved since last July away from friends and family I finally moved I wish I could have moved on the lake like a couple my old buddies on here but I live close to a bunch of lakes and I guess that's good enough. I still have major anxiety around to many people so pretty much all is the same only thing that has changed is my reaction time at first I use to attack first then think now I think before I attack which I don't attack no more I don't fight I don't even look people in the face and I try to tell everyone hello my violent days is over I won't squeeze my years of absence all in this one post but I have more to tell y'all I left I need some buddies who can relate with me ANG guess what I miss y'all kind words so here I am I do have some stressful stuff going on the va sent my tdiu or total disability to my old address so last month out of the blue they tell me that I'm getting paid for 90% and not at 100% total disability well of course I freaked out got dizzy and my thoughts was all over the place sooooo today is the first and guess what they cut my cash by 1200 dollars unexpectedly bills will go unpaid credit will start to deteriorate starting today I went to the office on the 17th of this month hoping that I could fill the right paperwork out that they sent to the wrong address hoping this stop them from cutting my cash noooooooope it didn't I am officially screwed as of today bouncing back from moving my family to the high desert away from the inner city drama into my new quiet place but yup normally I would have a violent reaction and have crazy violent thoughts and threats but nope I am calm I am mad but not violent I will try to solve this situation with niceness and calmness I have realized its no civilian FUALT that this has happened so this is where I'm at happy fourth y'all I'm back for now ???

[CaliBay]

Hey 82nd Airborne,

Thanks for your service brother.  For your frequent death and violent thoughts, just a suggestion, check with your shrink possibly about Lithium or anything else to keep it at bay.  i have been having violent homicidal and suicidal thoughts and it is hard when you have to fight so hard not to act on it and the pressure is there.  Check with your doc bro, maybe there is something that can help you better and you shouldn't feel like a Zombie that is overmedicated.  My suggestion, go to your safe place by the lake and go fishing.  My safe place is at the Disney Store listening to positive music.  Take care brother.

 

CaliBay

 

[82airborne]

8 hours ago, CaliBay said:

Hey 82nd Airborne,

Thanks for your service brother.  For your frequent death and violent thoughts, just a suggestion, check with your shrink possibly about Lithium or anything else to keep it at bay.  i have been having violent homicidal and suicidal thoughts and it is hard when you have to fight so hard not to act on it and the pressure is there.  Check with your doc bro, maybe there is something that can help you better and you shouldn't feel like a Zombie that is overmedicated.  My suggestion, go to your safe place by the lake and go fishing.  My safe place is at the Disney Store listening to positive music.  Take care brother.

 

CaliBay

 

Thanx for the love brotha I'm being compliant with my doctors and I tell them my problems isolation has been my saving grace

[Buck52]

Its weried

My therapist tells me to get out be more sociable.

 when I get bad anxiety attacks I  just go to my Room or if i'm out go to my car..wait few minutes and go back..I've tried that  it don't work that good for me.....I told  the therapist It don't work to well, he said focus on other things that are good

Here is a example  he said   if you have tinnitus/ ringing in the ears ..don't focus on it focus on something els like Breathing or get involved in a good book and focus on what your reading and anxiety will go away.

I said well I need to Isolate when I have Anxiety attacks

I don't think it  (anxiety & unsociable ) will  ever ever go away completely but he says it will??

Isolation is my saving grace too!  why? Idk  but I just feel better for some reason or another....if thats a good way to discribe it

I said if it makes me feel better  and releases some tension/anxiety   then why not?

He don't agree.  wtf

Edited December 3, 2016 by Buck52

[82airborne]

I think isolation works because this world is nothing but games and those games have been played to much people love to provoke you UNTIL you go crazy then they play victim between us I love my family but I have no interest in being with them either I just want to be left alone able to survive these wicked times really THROUGH my psychological problems nobody supported me I was homeless and close to homeless so many times just to have the door shut on me from my family and TO tell YALL the truth MY entire reality appears to be one big simulation FAKE everything around us is fake from protestors to the ones in high power I trust nothing and bother nobody and TO really be honest THE VOICES SOME CALL PSYCHOSIS IS THE REASON WHY I AM ALIVE TODAY whether they are fake or real them voices told me not to get on that jump I was scheduled for at greenramp my question which I'm sure nobody will answer what if the dead people that we or I see isn't real how do we know the screams and yells the shadows that lurk behind us isn't real no matter how much MEDICINE I take I see them all in my mind and the CAN communicate with me and THEY ARE WAY BETTER FRIENDS THAN THE LIVING ooooh WELL thanx for YALL input this is literally my only contact with strangers YALL are my extended family whether YALL KNOW IT are not we are all brothers and sisters in arms WELL GOODNIGHT GOOD MORNING which ever one YALL doing I'm on my way back to DREAMLAND ???

[Buck52]

I went to the VBA office and they gave me a form to fill out  for change of address when I moved...

but veterans can also send in their new Address to R.O. and VAMC, & call IRIS, And change it on e benefits.....just send out your new Address to all connected VA OFFICE that you know of....and keep copies that you did...its good to get a green card return receipt when you send the VA Anything.

[82airborne]

Wow the last couple nights I been going plum mad in my sleep standing up in bed swinging going into convulsions my gal said she was so scared tonight she felt like she was having a heart attack when she left to work she didn't even say by she said something has to change about our sleeping situation ? She said she hope I been taking my medicine and I have so I'm wondering will she be moving to another room also my last couple days been all hallucinations at night when I open my eyes spiders and black dots wall to wall floor to ceiling and what is crazy the attack part of my sleep I have no memory of none of it well I'm telling y'all part of the story two days ago I seen my ex suppose to be mother of my child I just walked away I didn't want to even hear her lies and bullspit when I got home I started to get mad and I got drunk hoping for someone to mess with me so I can release pure anger but nobody did but just maybe this woman caused my flip outs in my dreams I haven't been right since I seen her two days ago so of course isolation I will be in for quite some time not bothering nobody my gall almost sounded like she wanted to leave me out of fear of my mental situation ooooooh well happy holidays MERRY CHRISTMAS AND MAY GOD BLESS US ALL ???