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PTSD/MDD from MST 25 years ago

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SoulArcher

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Thank god for this community.  

I thought my military service was ancient history (NAVY 88-93), but it turns out I have lived longer than my capacity to continue running.

May I ask for help here in navigating this? I've filed my claim and am on stabilizing medication, but I feel an almost adversarial relationship with the VA and my family is in crisis.  Squatting in a falling apart rv on a now estranged friend's property.  We have just received a VASH/HUD section 8 voucher and are hopefully getting into a place with plumbing in a few weeks, but our financial crisis will not be helped by our inexperience and naive handling of this claim, not to mention my current level of incapacity which is complete.

About 7 years ago my life started to unravel.  I was having difficulty with my job as a plant manager for a large bottled water company.  I was missing easy things, forgetting important and essential deadlines and I was becoming less and less able to focus.  I was prescribed adderal and that helped for a time, but by 2009 I had to resign.

That began a downward slide into homelessness for me, my wife and 2 small kids as my capability was eaten away and replaced with panic, sudden bursts of anger and frustration  and implacable feelings of it all ending very soon.  I've become almost completely isolated and have been unable to support my family at all for 22 months now.  I was hospitalized in december (st joes in tacoma) for 5 days due to suicidal thoughts and a comprehensive nervous breakdown. It was from here that I was able to see the events without conditioned filters and my wife (the absolute most patient woman in the world) helped me file a claim with the va.  I've been diagnosed by a psychiatrist in Arizona, the staff at St Joe's and by the VA as having PTSD/MDD and am on a lot of stabilizing medication.

During my active service while deployed to Diego Garcia in support of the gulf war effort I was told during a routine physical that I had blood in my urine.  My flight surgeon was concerned because she did not have the necessary equipment on hand to rule out bladder cancer.  The decision was made to take me off of flight status and medivac me to Japan for more detailed diagnostic testing.  I was in Japan about a week and had several examinations that ruled out bladder cancer.  During one exam, conducted alone and in an unprofessional manner by a naval officer I was sexually assaulted and it left me in a great deal of physical pain, feeling violated and deeply ashamed.  

When we were alone in the exam room, the doctor nodded at my wedding ring and asked if there was any ‘other’ reason that could be causing this problem.  I said ‘No’.  He pressed authoritatively, “You need to be honest with me, I’m your doctor, are you telling me that you have not fooled around on your wife on deployment?”  I was concerned that there was evidence of something bad like HIV that needed my honesty to secure needed treatment and the truth was that I had cheated on my wife with a girl in my squadron.  And though I was reasonably sure that the protection we had used and the time that had elapsed since our triste was enough to ensure that I was safe from such things, the doctor’s demand for complete honesty and the fact that I felt reasonably safe sharing the truth (he’s my doctor after all) had me answer his question in the affirmative with the explanation of why I didn’t think it material given the explanation of time and protection cited above.

The doctor’s demeanor visibly changed.  Like a mask had come off.  He looked very disappointed, on the verge of open anger.  His face grew red and his breathing changed, like he was trying to control his temper.  “Now I’m going to need you to turn around and drop your drawers.”

As a Naval air crewman, I’ve had over a half dozen prostate exams.  Only one of them could be defined as digital sodomy.  He held me forcefully and told me to, “BE QUIET” when I cried out from the shock and intense pain, begging him to stop or at least tell me what the hell he was doing. It felt like he was trying to force his entire hand inside of me in a procedure that lasted at least a full minute in which the doctor exerted a tremendous amount of effort, nearly lifting my feet from the ground several times.  I started crying as he finished. He released my shoulder and told me to “HOLD STILL OR WE’RE GOING TO DO IT AGAIN” and he squeezed my prostate producing a burning and painful discharge of fluid from the tip of my penis that he collected on a glass slide.  He removed his hand from me and said, “Get your clothes on and next time, keep your dick in your pants.”  He did not answer me when I asked what he had done. 

The exam left me in a great deal of pain, feeling ashamed, punished and deeply violated.  This proved to be a very destabilizing experience as I slowly began to realize through intense and intrusive flashbacks, that this was not the first time I had experienced this combination of emotions at the hands of an angry male authority figure.

I began to withdraw from friends, I took myself off flight status, I was no longer able to shoot my bow, something that had always been effortless before.  But now I was starting to unravel, unable to face the shame of the reality of what the doctor had done and the overlap it had with the, until now, completely repressed memory of being handcuffed and violently raped by my best friend’s uncle at the age of 7.

By the time I was discharged from the service, I was suffering greatly.  It was as though a plug had been pulled and I couldn’t stop the flow of effluent that was leaking out.  And I couldn’t get away from it either.  I desperately needed help.  But I was terrified, confused, intensely embarrassed and depressed.

Within a few months of discharge my increasingly impulsive and erratic behavior led to me causing a vehicle accident while street racing my car (something I had never done prior to the assault, but was now doing compulsively) that killed two elderly women returning home from church on a Sunday morning.

My wife, pregnant at the time, lost the baby shortly thereafter and our relationship imploded.  That KO'd me for a while.  I shunned treatment, counseling anything associated or linked to the accident.  My shame over having killed two people by my irresponsibility became a massive boulder that sealed everything associated with that event off like a tomb.

I did not want to be seen as a victim myself and set out to become something.  I worked my way up in a company willing to take a chance on a felon and went from a $10/hour night loader to the Plant manager and near 6 figures in 10 years without a degree.  I started racing ATV's (I'd never ridden a motorcycle before) and in 4 years had climbed into the top 10 as a national pro.

But my life chaos was increasing exponentially as was my self destructive behavior.  after 13 years I again divorced.  This coincided with resigning my position at the water company and and marrying my 3rd wife.

From there we had our first child while we blew through my retirement trying to figure out what in the hell we were supposed to do.  We moved in with friends and I got a job doing driveways for $12/hour.  My degrading social skills put huge strains on the friendship status of the family that was good enough to help us.  We ended up living in a small camper for 5 months with no plumbing.  I called my old boss who now lived in Georgia and was running a consulting firm to the energy sector and asked for a job.  This guy thought I walked on water at my last place of employment.  We moved in late 2012 across the country.  It was an unmitigated disaster.  I lasted 18 months before I had to resign.  the physical manifestations, panic attacks, loss of focus, inability to follow direction, intense and growing phobia for talking on the phone (it was phone sales job) and an increasing tendency to freeze in stressful situations. (on the phone or in person) just really weird long silence from me.

We moved to Arizona to live with our in laws.  My wife flew ahead and I met up with my father in law, who was only 6 years older than me in NM.  15 minutes after meeting up, he, died of a massive heart attack in front of me on the side of the road, I had to call my wife and tell her dad had died.

the two years spent living in phoenix with a wrecked mother in law going through menopause and losing her mind over her grief now had me and my incapacity to focus her pain on.  I started smoking pot heavily (I had not had a substance abuse issue prior to this) and my capability continued to recede.  I was working in a tiny post office in a rural town for 4 hours a day. My beard hair fell out and my panic attacks were happening 3 - 12 times a day and everyone felt like the heart attack I saw my father in law have.  My Daughter was born in August of 2015

The relationship with my mother in law deteriorated until she sold her house and bought us this little rv we are in now, early in 2016

I went to the doctor in phoenix for the first time in April of last year where he diagnosed me with PTSD and we picked up and moved back home here to washington to flee the intense stress from living in a dirt parking lot in July in Phoenix in an rv, not to mention the now open hostility directed toward me from my in laws who weren't buying any of it.

By some miracle my wife was able to locate my Pink medical folder and it has the doctor's name in there and the dates, though he doesnt mention in the chart notes the procedure in question, at least from what I can tell.  This guy was a ltcdr in the NAVY, I'm fairly confident I am not the only person he taught this lesson to.

So now we are in process.  My wife has done all the filing to date and has been as thorough as possible, but there is a lot of water left to cross and Im not entirely sure of the strength of our case and I dont want to learn on my own experience the lessons of those who have successfully navigated this.

Any help is greatly appreciated.

 

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This appears to be an excellent article on how to succeed in a PTSD/MST claim:

https://www.hadit.com/how-to-win-a-military-sexual-trauma-claim-2/

We have had vets here who have succeeded in this type of claim..

If you use our search feature here or use Google and search for PTSD/MST hadit.com a lot of info will pop up.

The "markers" as well as any "outcry" statements that perhaps buddys and/or family members/friends can back up are very important.

They can make a statement on a 21-4138 form and should give the VA their contact info and be sure to sign the oath on the form or get their signature notarized, if they write a brief letter describing in detail  any outcry you might have made to them and when it happened.Sometimes a vet makes no outcry at all to anyone .The VA still will consider  the markers mentioned in the article, in your military records.

By "outcry" I mean by telling someone soon after this terrible event occurred who can testify to your demeanor at the time and give details as to what you had told them.

Do you have a complete copy of your SMRs and personnel records?

If you do move , make sure the VA is aware of your new address.

You mentioned being on medication and have the PTSD/MDD diagnosis. Was that a result of any C & P exam they gave you due to your claim?

 "I've been diagnosed by a psychiatrist in Arizona, the staff at St Joe's and by the VA as having PTSD/MDD and am on a lot of stabilizing medication." With a VA diagnosis from a VA MH professional,that is a big part of the battle ,that is done. What is left ,is having enough evidence to prove the PTSD/MDD is due to the experience you had inservice.

 

 

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Thank you Berta, for the reply.

I went to the VA in October at the urging of my father.  My life was in crisis and my intent was to simply get help and hopefully get some free meds.  I did not have full recall of the event detailed above (re-experiencing it as it happened, not how I had made myself remember it) until I was in the hospital at st joes 2 months later.  It was like digging around in an infected wound and finally pulling out the foreign object.  It is just very unfortunate how such a small sliver can cause so much infection.  

Anyway, I think the VA readily agreed with the diagnosis from phoenix because I wasn't making any service related claim.  My original screening appointment back in October lists;

MDD, Recurrent, Moderate

PTSD- Childhood Sexual Trauma

Panic Disorder

THC use - severe.  

All this stuff has gone seriously downhill since this was done and i have not had another meeting with a psychiatrist since the october meeting.  There's been some juggling between american lake and seattle that hasnt sorted itself out yet.

I do have my complete medical records and my service record.  Orders detaching me to japan for specialized testing, the findings of the urology dept, even the LCDR's name who did this.

The end of deployment was a blur as was my exit from the navy.  I just wanted to get away.  As stated above, i was coming unraveled.  I remember speaking to the base chaplain (I dont recall the exact date or his name) to ask for help with an early hardship discharge. I only had about 6 months left at the time, but I was really struggling.  When he asked me why, like what was my hardship, I didnt have an answer for him.  I offered that my marriage was failing, but that was a symptom, not the root.  Im not sure if there would be a record of that?  Moffett field, ca in 1993.  He of course said there was nothing he could do.  It was a short meeting.

I have the claim material into the VSO in seattle, but after reading through the stuff here, I'm reaching out to people I havent spoken to in many years to see if they can assist with appropriate buddy letters.

I have a lot of anxiety around a conversation with a doctor who doesn't have my best interest in mind.  I'm really grateful that there is even a chance of us receiving assistance, but this C&P process is horrifying to someone in my condition.  I dont communicate with anyone unless it is through a filter like this.  Where I can vomit everything out and then start editing.  My ability to communicate verbally is severely hampered and the anxiety this causes is class 5 hurricane stuff.  Not to mention my trust issues with doctors in general, it's a monumental obstacle to me right now, psychologically.  It was very disheartening to learn I would be required to do this, not from a reluctance at being probed, but because I am unable to perform.  I can't sell this, and it takes an inordinate amount of time for me to get a worthwhile thought together, this does not occur at conversational cadences for me.  Advice?  

Since it sounds like I am making a legal case, would it help my cause to seek my own psychiatrist for a more thorough and independent diagnosis than what is going to be achieved in a C&P meeting.  

In regard to the nexus of relating this event to my PTSD, if one were to look at the canvass of my life, there's 4 things that each, by themselves, could cause all the symptoms I have. Childhood sexual trauma, sexual battery in the navy, being responsible for the death of others, being present for the death of my father in law. I have a couple questions to see if my understanding is in alignment.

If PTSD is the festering of unprocessed trauma, then clearly the un-dealt with aspect of this mess was that episode in Kadena Japan in 1992.  It's was the only link of the chain that had remained buried and it's the piece I had full recall of in the hospital.  

How could any one link in a chain of trauma be dismissed as not contributing at least as much as any other link to the overall condition?

Is the appropriate case to make here that the sexual battery from the doctor was a precipitating event leading to the unsupervised and destabilizing reintegration of memories of childhood abuse that together led to behavior that caused the accident?

Thank you for your help 

 

 

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 "i have not had another meeting with a psychiatrist since the october meeting." 

"Since it sounds like I am making a legal case, would it help my cause to seek my own psychiatrist for a more thorough and independent diagnosis than what is going to be achieved in a C&P meeting."

I feel you should definitely seek psychiatric help...whether from VA or from a private MH professional.

And I am glad you have a VSO helping you. You have questions here that only a MH professional could answer.

I don't think any VA C & P exam would be more traumatic than anything you have already been through.

Did the VA set you up for any appointments at all with their mental health doctors after they diagnosed you?

 

 

 

 

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Thank you Berta, I will move in that direction.  I've been through the psychiatric orientation part.  We are moving about 60 miles north which will put us much closer to VA's seattle campus.

I have met with a psychiatrist who was acting a bit like a traffic cop to shuttle me to the appropriate group therapy.  But there was no further direct Psychiatric care since I was released from the hospital.  I have a meds manager and this program liaison right now.

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I am sitting here trying to work on a time line, trying to organize my thoughts into something that could be used to help the people in my life at the time remember any changes they saw in me, or wierd comment I might have made about the incident.  I opened my medical records to input each trip to doctor to see if it revealed any significant patterns.  I havent looked at this in 25 years. Right there on the top, before I got out, is a trip to the flight surgeon for inexplicable chest pains with elevated blood pressure

I couldn't even look at it when my wife dug it out of storage.  This was all submitted yesterday to the VSO, so it's all in the packet that has been delivered.  Is was right there the whole time.  

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Hello Berta.

the last few days, have been spent pouring over medical records with my wife. Neither of us knew how to read them when we started earlier this week.

While the data is all buried in there, we combed through looking for specific marker events, post sexual assault, that would point to there having been an in service traumatic event

My memory is not great anymore and not helped by the passage of 25 years. 

flight status:

I was an enlisted aircrewman, in the navy, there is probably not much better duty than being an IFT on a p3 orion.  They cant land on boats and I looked like tom cruise in my flight gear.  so it was prestigious.  Not like being a seal, but one had to demonstrate that they were able to handle a LOT of stress and keep cool.  In sere school, we were interrogated, starved, cold for several days, and it was boyscout camp compared to the effect that this encounter had on me.

I remembered pulling myself off of voluntary flight status after deployment but after looking deeply into the records, it reveals a litany of up chits and vague requests to be taken off of flight status again

TO better organize it, my wife helped me put it into a time line.  

Would you mind taking a look?  I can email it to you, there's a bit of sensitive info in there and it would take longer to redact everything sensitive than it did to originally make it.

The hope is to provide a body of anecdotal evidence that points directly to the time frame of the sexual battery formatted and presented in a way that leaves little doubt.

Thanks. 

 

 

 

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