How screwed am I in dealing with the VA after retirement?

[vet2018]

BLUF: Retiring in a few weeks, just got AD medical records including mental health which I started seeing a few months ago for anxiety-type symptoms and concerns of recurrence of PTSD-type symptoms experienced after a rough deployment around 10 years ago that I never sought help for. I'm concerned that my psychologist, who has apparently has painted me as a hypochondriac, has screwed me over dealing with the VA going forward because they will now downplay all future interactions as being "in my head." Is this a valid concern?

I apologize for the length below, but I'm pretty pissed right now.

In the records for this psychologist I find repeated diagnosis of "Other Specified Anxiety Disorder (Insufficient symptoms)" and the below statements. (this same type of statement is generally repeated across multiple visits)

Quote

He appears overly concerns with the potential of psychologically decompensating in the future. His symptoms are not well characterized by an Illness Disorder at this time, since he appears to be responsive to feedback on negative medical findings. It is likely phase of life factors are exacerbating his anxiety symptoms (i.e. retirement, wife’s declining health, and father’s terminal illness). Moderate emotional impairments have been observed with no significant occupational impairments.

I'm pretty pissed right now over the statement of "no significant occupational impairments" when I've clearly stated to the psychologist over many months that I have had significant difficulty focusing on tasks, difficulty remaining motivated, etc. I'm basically on terminal leave the past two months but during that time have had extreme difficulty organizing most things in my life. My wife is very ill, I myself just received a diagnosis of a rare potentially very debilitating disease 2 weeks ago, and we were caught in a four-car wreck on the freeway the following day (five minutes away from a pre-surgery consult for my wife where we expect multiple complications) that has left us living on pain relievers and muscle relaxers since then, our stress level is through the roof, and the therapist has been told all of this but made no mention of it in the clinical notes at all. Only statements that I am overly focused on getting ill -- which was in a sense true as I was very worried about "numerous unexplained symptoms" for many months until I finally got the diagnosis (through an objective test by a specialist that clearly demonstrated the illness) two weeks ago that tied all these symptoms together. It turns out that I have a disorder of part of my nervous system that affects multiple systems in the body in different ways, so someone not familiar with the disorder can think the patient is presenting with numerous symptoms with no cause, hence it must be mental.

Bottom line is this therapist has painted a picture of me as a hypochondriac who has no work impairment at all, despite a significant recent medical diagnosis and repeated statements that I have significant difficulty with tasks at home. For example, I have repeatedly said that our house is a mess and I have not been able to get organized enough to complete projects at home to simply clean up. I can't stand it around here but never do anything about it. She just wrote from one visit "He was assisted in exploring cognitions that perpetuate procrastination." I have no hobbies, no desire to do much of anything, I just sit all weekend and make my wife miserable. I've told her this repeatedly and as recently as today and the notes she wrote from today are quoted above. Maybe I wasn't clear enough to her but she has expressed at least some sympathy so I thought she understood what I said.

Also I have repeatedly tried to discuss concerns I had regarding severe stress after my deployment, but she has apparently characterized that as "marital strife" when I clearly told her the strife was caused by my inability to deal with my deployment emotionally and taking anger out on my wife. I've told her I was constantly having flashbacks for five years after my deployment, constantly obsessing over loss of friends and what I could have done differently, etc. None of that is mentioned. In fact, the one time I was able to spend some time talking about deployment experiences a few months ago she finally stopped me and said "Whoa, we need to take a different approach next time and avoid that."

I feel that I've made a terrible mistake in trusting this therapist. My initial concern entering therapy was a fear that I did not properly deal with my deployment and that I could return to my previous condition which alternated between complete detachment and rage. I never spoke to a therapist at the time despite my wife begging me to. Now that I tried to talk to someone I find out that those concerns are completely ignored and I am instead painted as a hypochondriac. Because of that I am concerned the VA will treat me as a "problem patient" going forward and automatically discount any concerns I have as "mental" instead of potentially medical.

How realistic is my concern? Thanks.

Edited August 7, 2018 by vet2018

[vetquest]

I agree with everything by Broncovet. 

The good thing is that they gave you a diagnostic code of Anxiety.  PTSD is a form of anxiety.  Survivors guilt is common too.  As Broncovet said you need to get a new therapist.  It is also not too late to go to the vets center.  With all of the problems you are going through are you suicidal?  If you feel this way you need to tell your therapist immediately.  It will most likely get you into a mental ward for a while but you must take care of yourself.  If you do not take care of yourself you cannot take care of your wife.  There is no shame in spending time in a VA facility, I have been there and it was just part of my treatment.  Don't say you are suicidal if you are not but if you are tell someone now.

Dealing with the VA is sometimes overwhelming so take it one day at a time.  Keep us up to date on what is going on.  We will see how long we can make this thread.   

[vet2018]

Thanks again to all, the advice is very helpful and much appreciated.

First the most important response: @vetquest No worries I am not suicidal. I did have some creeping SI several years ago but realized my mind was going down a bad path and put a stop to it. I'm not wrestling with problems on a constant basis, it's more something that is nagging at me periodically, scratching the back of my brain. Now that I'm retiring and only have 3 weeks left the transition craziness + my medical diagnosis has my stress way up so its all amplified together. But I'm not despondent. For about five years after the deployment I alternated between feeling numbly detached a lot of the time and flipping out in rage over the smallest things. I had good days too but mostly didn't feel emotionally much at all for several years. But that gradually subsided thanks to my wife. Our marriage is far stronger now than even a couple years ago. I'm very glad you were able to get treatment and are still kicking us newcomers into the right gear. Hat's off to you sir.

@Buck52 Yes that is an outstanding response and it really answers a lot of questions. A lot of my issue was in understanding how the VA process works since it is a large unknown for me at this time. So that insight helps. A lot. Thank you.

@broncovet I wasn't sure if that would be considered a sufficient stressor since I wasn't present where it occurred, thanks for clearing that up. Long story short, we had an infantry battalion moving in to take over our province so we could focus on civil affairs functions like we were supposed to, and there was an overlap where the incoming infantry commander worked out of our TOC for a couple weeks for overlap before taking over. One of his convoys was out resupplying our CA folks working in a valley 20km north and had already radioed they were heading back a few hours before. Tower reported hearing possible explosion (weren't sure) in vicinity of the road leading to the valley, I was the only one in the main TOC room keeping tabs on things while it was quiet, so I checked the map and realized they should be right around that area then given the time they radioed in their departure from the village up north. Was about to start contacting our teams and battle captain to see if we could respond when the new infantry battalion commander came in. I briefed him and he said nah it won't be them, they wouldn't be there yet, he said it was probably nothing to worry about since they weren't even sure themselves, and since he was far more experienced in ground ops than me (an enlisted AF software guy for crying out loud) I deferred to him but it felt wrong. I knew my province but I let it go. 10 minutes later the convoy's LT is yelling for help on the radio. They were 1km outside our FOB, just out of line of sight, in a radio dead zone. Hours later when they were finally brought in for medevac my battle captain and I went out to have eyes on the movements and the humvee was just buckled right in the middle with a hole right through the roof right over the driver's seat. Poor guy never had a chance realistically, but still it bothers me because I was right and I'll never really know if I could have prevented that.

I got a bit nervous typing that all out now. Not terribly bad now but noticeably tense and agitated. Some adrenaline, anxiety, etc. That's what I mean by it still bothers me. Things like that. I got worked up telling the above story to my therapist and that's the one she told me seemed too intense to explore further. There were a lot of funny stories too, some funny haha and some dark humor, so of course it wasn't all bad. But I still think about something from over there several times a week at least, some random memories others memories of incidents, whether I want to or not, and almost always get at least a bit nervous regarding the various incidents, sometimes very. Maybe its just something I'll have to live with the rest of my life, and if so that's fine. I want them to just tell me that officially so I can plan for it. I know that what I faced was nothing compared to what a lot of people deal with, and I don't pretend it is. Most people had it far far worse than I did. There are a lot of real warriors out there. I was just in a really weird situation with no training to prepare for the job at all. I'm just worried that my previous state as described above will come back later as a surprise and I want to put it to bed before that happens. That's all. Happened to my dad. He had a lot of shit in Vietnam, for example he killed 19 in one firefight where he was wounded with a bayonet on the arm, Silver Star with V, and didn't tell me any of it until I was at least 30. By then he was 100% with PTSD (had only sought help a few years before that) complete with screaming flashbacks, then later diagnosed with bipolar and then dementia. I just don't want to go down that route. I already have some other health issues he had so I feel like I'm staring down the barrel in a sense and I want it dealt with so it doesn't become a problem for me and my family.

No I'm not on any medication. My PCM asked me if I needed any and I just told her I'm not asking for medication, that I was just venting honestly since I was asked.

Thanks again to everyone, it really helps to learn how this mess all works. Very very helpful in reducing stress. Thanks and take care.

Edited August 13, 2018 by vet2018