C&P Was Today For My PTSD Due To MST Claim

[flow1972 5]

It was a long day...literally 3 hours in that room.  I'd been dreading it since I began this process.  They honored my request for a female examiner.  So, that was good.  The questions she asked started with my childhood family life and moved forward from there.  Basically, yes my parents were divorced...childhood sucked...no, I was never sexually abused...yes, my Father was married to someone who was physically abusive toward him and everyone in the house for a short period of time.  No school problems, never in trouble, had a core group of friends, blah blah...Honor Graduate in Basic..moving on....

She asked if I dated in High School (uh, yeah...)..I wasn't "popular" or "unpopular"..just your average teen.  One boyfriend mainly off and on thru High School.  FFWD to service overseas..she asked about my EPR's 3's both years...I failed my first time testing for Certification after Tech School..Passed on second try...and I put on a little weight..so...I was on weight management program...3 1st year overseas.  Second year...all of those issues were corrected, but I was given a 3 again anyway that was blamed on an old phone bill from my first 6 months in Country that somehow found it's way to the 1st Sgt just before I left Country...funny that I'd just reported a Sexual Assault right before that....  Were there any significant relationships while Stationed overseas...yes...one.  I was in it when the incident happened.  It ended immediately after.  We moved on to my next duty Station...3 months after the Assault...magically, changing Command and pretending none of what happened actually did...I became a leader in my new Duty Station....elected Vice President of the BOSS program that year, Sat on Board for Post Improvement, President of Single Airman's Program, etc...I said it's amazing what happens when you leave everything that happened in another Country and shut it out and pretend it didn't happen.

She asked about any other relationships or significant life events at my next duty Station...I married and had my first Child.  She asked about that marriage..yeah...it ended shortly after my son was born..she asked why...well...he showed up at the Hospital to pick my son and I up after I gave birth with another girl.  Oh, so he was unfaithful?  Had a girlfriend?  Yeah...he had many..she just happened to be the one at the time.  Got out of military just before we divorced, officially. 

Next relationship...well..my second son's Father walked out the day I found out I was pregnant...yeehaw...I really had some relationship issues apparently.  Then we discussed my current husband whom I've been married to for 19 years and how I feel like he thinks I'm not good enough or he's doing me some sort of kindness by being with me because "something is wrong with me". How he says I make him a worse person...etc...  I have issues with anger, and I was forced to Anger Management many years ago by my then employer.  The guy they sent me to decided I had ADD to explain my impulse control and asked my PCP to prescribe Concerta which didn't help because I don't have ADD.  I saw him a total of 3 times.  My PCP was trying to find the cause of my stomach problems at that time and had just diagnosed a "Spastic Colon" and then decided maybe Paxil would help...too many side affects...then Welbutrin...then Celexa....nothing really helped enough to deal with the side affects, but I was willing to try them all if they would help "fix" whatever was wrong with me.  After years of struggling, I figured out that running helped more than anything...so that's what I do now and have done for years.

Then she got in to the actual "PTSD" criterian type questions...anything I answered "Yes" to..she would ask something about "how often" or how many times in the last month does this or that happen...several times I had to tell her I didn't know how to answer that....I don't keep a spreadsheet. Describe a dream I'd had...how long was it taking to get to sleep (I don't know...sometimes I can't get to sleep at all..other times I eventually do and as long as I don't have a nightmare..I stay asleep).  All very impersonal...clinical...and specific to the words..."within the last month"...then how much time have I missed from work in the last 12 months..for what?  When was the last time I took a trip...we went on a Cruise this past summer...Was it fun?...Well, yeah...it was nice to get away from everything...Where did we go?...I don't know...it stopped several times...somewhere in the Carribean.  I didn't even think to tell her about the Stand Up Comedian on the Cruise who did a whole set on how nobody had ever tried to Sexually Assault her and she had decided that it's because those people put out "Victim Vibes"....It took all I had not to walk out...and I sent the Cruise Line a letter after.  She asked about current friend groups...I told her we have people we associate with, but I don't have any "close friends"...nobody I'd call up and just confide in.  I don't trust people enough for that.  Do I have any hobbies?...Yes, I ride a motorcycle...  She asked why "all of this came up now"?  I felt that wasn't an appropriate question.  This isn't something that "just came up now"...it's something I've shoved in the back of my mind and tried to pretend didn't happen.  I'm trying to understand what I've been fighting all of these years.  I'm being asked to move up at work...and I refuse...I can't control my environment when I move above where I'm at...at my age I've learned ways of mitigating issues at work by retaining control over meetings and who I'm forced to be in front of....but it creates friction when I don't want to take on more responsibility.  We talked about how I always get dinged on my communication at work while I typically am rated high on the actual work that I do.  How I have difficulty focusing on tasks when something triggers me, and the loss of focus causes me to make mistakes.

I was given some True/False test to complete that asked all kinds of crazy things...I think that's to determine if you're high risk for malingering.  Then she asked if there was anything we hadn't discussed that I felt we should.  I explained the things about the event that really bother me...how his Commander treated me left me with zero trust in men in general (especially those in charge)and how I truly think that in the greater majority most of them don't think things like this are a "big deal" or somehow it's our fault in some way but would give lip service to how "horrible it is" in social circles..how I never go without being armed as long as it's not against the law where I am(because that will never happen to me again)...how I felt like her questions were geared toward something that "just happened" where I feel like I've had years and years to build deep-seeded beliefs that affect who I am and how I became this person.  She said she'd take all of that in to consideration when she did her report....

All-in-all, she came off as very "mechanical" with no real "feeling" behind anything.  I felt like someone sitting in front of a car insurance agency's legal team who was trying to find more reason to deny my claim than approve it....I was as honest as I could be...that's all I know how to be...she made a point not to get in to the specifics of my assault because she had the report and didn't feel the need to.  I was at least glad for that.  So now...I wait....I hope this helps to give someone an idea of the C&P for this if they've never been through it...

Edited November 19, 2019 by flow1972
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