I don't understand why we were told 89 y/o dad doesn't qualify for respite care...Somebody pls explain...

[msh789]

Dad is 89 years old and is rated 110% disabled. At his most recent VA visit with the nurse practitioner (he goes every 4 months, and I go with him to all his appt's),  the nurse practitioner suggested respite care,  in particular bc the VA suspended the adult day health care program due to the coronavirus. So somebody from the VA respite care called us. Now, I am my dad's 24/7 caregiver, I have been his 24/7 caregiver for over 10 years now. I get no help at all, 2 brothers refuse to help (claiming they can't, and no, it is not debatable with them, they refuse to help). I get groceries for dad, pick up his prescriptions, laundry, cook for him, clean for him, I even help him shave. I help him into and out of bed, and sometimes getting out of his chair (he has a mechanical chair that will help lift him, but he refuses, and if I try to do it, he gets very combative, to say the least...). Anyway, when this person from respite called, wouldn't you know she called on the time I was out getting groceries. I was gone barely half an hour (because dad has anxiety and borderline panic attack when left alone for an hour or so). She called and talked to dad, who told her I was simply "out"...making it sound almost like I was out partying or something...ugh...He asked her what the call was about (because he is paranoid and always been very nosy, to say the least..sorry, but I am so burned out..), and she told him it was about respite, having someone come to his house to help take care of him...OMG, I knew if he found out, her would say he doesn't need help....She still called me back about an hour later when I was home. She proceeded to tell me that dad doesn't want help, so basically too bad. She also said he doesn't need help with the ADL (like bathing, brushing his teeth and toileting...she picked all things he does pretty much on his own...) so she said he does not qualify for respite. The man cannot be by himself.  He breaks things, and him falling is a worry. Plus the panic attacks/anxiety. I really don't understand why she says he doesn't qualify. I would think him going to the adult day health care is also evident that he  can't be alone. Plus his nurse practitioner who sees him every 4 months recommended it. I have read on the va.gov site that it is also for caregivers who experience burden, and I am beyond burned out.  I guess she also said bc he refuses help, they won't come to his house. But isn't this to help the 24/7 burned out caregiver..? So then she suggested placing him in a CLC...really..?!?! I mean, she says he doesn't qualify for respite care, how would he be able to be placed in a CLC permanently..?!?! She told me to call the social worker about getting dad placed in a CLC, but I'm not sure he is 'that bad' yet...I was thinking/hoping we could get him respite care...Perhaps the respite care lady misunderstood...? Perhaps I misunderstood..??? Oh and his nurse practitioner also got him signed up to use the Wellness Center last week, so the respite care lady said 'looking at his chart, he is signed up to use the gym...'...suggesting him going to the VA gym would give me respite, but dad wants me there with him, waiting, the entire time (like everything else!!), so how is that me getting respite...?? But I feel like she must think 'if he can use a gym, he doesn't need respite'...I am so confused...Is there any way to have someone else look into this...?  Any suggestions..? The stress level is terrible...He is very combative and draining...I literally can't get away bc I worry about him falling or hurting himself (breaking things, I want to get plastic cups, but he borderline violently refuses, saying he wants to use regular glasses....insisting he can do certain things, and then he has already fallen a couple times bc he is so terribly stubborn and again borderline violently refuses refuses help...it is very sad and frustrating, to say the least...)

 

 

 

Edited March 13, 2020 by msh789

[Carl the Engineer]

Both my parents had to file paperwork, not a DNR, but simular to state what life saving length emergency workers could go to save them, i.e., CPR yes, machines no, etc..

As Berta says, stick your DNR to the fridge, or staple to your forehead would be better.  As a police officer, I was the first one into your home when you were on the floor and in trouble.  I had to choose to rifle through your house looking for your DNR or start CPR.  I started CPR and the medics did the same.  Usually after we had you loaded in the ambulance and your child showed up to tell us you have a DNR in your file cabinet.  Happened more a few times.

WILLS on the other hand are "secrets" and held close to the chest for some older people.  My aunts mom (has some money and land) is living with her a she just turned 101 and has a will, but no one knows whats in it and she won't say.  LOL.  She tells them its all taken care of.

I did respond while on duty to a dead body and his brother gave me a will written in pencil, obviously just done AFTER the brother died, giving him all his dead brothers property.  I took it for the coroner, but later I did tell him that there are no "ghost" wills in Wisconsin, and that wills are only good if recorded at the court house.

Berta is correct, death or near death brings out not just the worst in people, but the worst people.

Hamslice

When my wife's mom died 10 years ago, her dad took all her mom's jewelry to the pawn shop, so my wife would not get it.  We didn't know till a year later.  We are only talking about $900 here and he didn't need the money.  He's just a control freak, and mean.  

 

[broncovet]

HOLD on!   There may be more than one "DNR".   The one I was speaking of is a medical term for "Do Not Ressusicate".  Its put on the medical charts of people who have opted for this.  It means if their heart stops, the medical personel do not shock the heart or perform other life saving means.  It means the person is choosing to end his own life, but by "natural" means.  

Very very sick people often opt for DNR.  Its explained here: https://medlineplus.gov/ency/patientinstructions/000473.htm

DNR has other meanings, too.  Like, for instance, Michigans Department of Natural Resources.  Way different.  

[msh789]

After explaining everything to my dad (and incidentally while brother was visiting his once a week visit here), dad and I are going to the attorney (same one who drew up both his previous medical and financial POA papers), next month to have new POA papers listing me as the POA. Brother was actually calm about it (although probably texting his friends furiously today about all of this..I'm having a hard time believing he is being 'okay' with all of this, but oh well...I knew he was being passive aggressive by one particular action in front of dad claiming as a 'woopsie'...but oh well...).

Right in front of my brother who is current POA, I told dad I can't continue doing what I do not being the POA. I told him it's too hard and that to continue as it is, he is going to have to have the current POA brother drive up here over an hour for all of my dad's many doctor appointments, drive up here 3 days a week to take dad to and fro to VA ADHC (because dad refuses to use the VA transportation to pick him up) and drive up here every Saturday to take dad to and from church. I was shockingly going to drop it but last night, the POA brother who is also dad's VA appointed fiduciary to handle dad's VA disability money, had his mini meltdown (he complains often to me and his friends about having to come up once a week on Sunday evenings for a couple hours to do things with the VA disability money like filling dad's truck with gas so I can run dad to his appointments....one of his friends had the audacity to ask brother why I can't use my car to run dad around and run dad's errands....geez, he wants to run me and my car and my sources ragged....). So, with all of the other stuff, and brother last night 'announcing' that he was going to take next Sunday "off" from coming up for a couple hours to help with dad's things (I get it, but really, brother has only been doing this since December, I've been doing this 24/7 for over 10 years with no vacation). Brother also made some dramatic like a 12 year old little girl meltdown last Summer because dad asked him to go pick up a prescription for dad (my God, I do it alllll the time), brother saying "I come up here for a vacation" (really? for a couple hours on a Sunday?!)..I half jokingly told brother I have not had a vacation in over 10 years (I didn't mention how brother has weekends and evenings off from his regular job, in addition to several beach and other vacations he's been on in the last 10 years, so I really didn't have much 'sympathy' for him..really, it bothered him to go for barely half an hour total bc the drugstore is less than 5 minutes from dad's house to pick up a script for dad...???) I get it, he was annoyed, but he IS the POA, and who else can help..?!??! He doesn't seem to want me to get any help at all...he says he does, but all of his actions indicate otherwise. He always whines horrible abut doing dad's fiduciary things, really, a couple hours one day a week...?! 

So, when brother 'announced' that he was taking next Sunday off, I 'announced' that I am taking all of next weekend off, and that is how I got the ball rolling, for lack of a better word. I told them (my brother and dad) that it would be up to them to find somebody to come take care of dad for the entire weekend. I said it with determination in my voice and 'this is not up for debate' tone. On one hand I felt a little bit bad but I have been doing this for so long and dad refuses everything. How much can one person take..?? I even told them so.  

I am sure brother is boo hooing to his friends today/this week about this, and the 'old me' would have been mortified, being such a people pleaser and always doing things to keep the peace, but I don't care. His friends showed me they don't give a crap about my own health, so whatever they think or say, oh well. Things simply can't continue how they are, and at the very least, I need to be the one (and I AM the one going to all of dad's doctor appointments, etc) who has to have 'say' in dad's health care and not being the POA made it basically impossible. I know dad is a huge tightwad and spending money to change the POA would also be basically impossible, but I made it clear things simply can't continue how they are, and unless things changed, they both would need to get dad 24/7 care that was not me. 

I also told brother since he always whines about his fiduciary duties, he can ask to be removed and let the VA take over dad's disability money. Brother knows the VA would take a percentage, so I know brother (and dad) did not like to hear that. Of course brother denied whining about it (which his whining also causes me more stress...that brother is single, no children or anything...) but I said all of this in front of him and dad, so hopefully they both start acting better....It's a hard road for all involved, I get it, but I simply can't do it all alone 24/7 and then hear brother whining about his little 2 hours a week/sometimes 2 hours every 2 weeks (which I help him with) and dad refusing everything, something had to change, or I was done. I tried talking about this before with the both of them, and they both always cut me off, but I wasn't letting it happen this time.  Dad always screams over people to get his way and I wasn't letting it happen again and I just simply said I can't do it anymore. Finally it got through.... 

So now when brother says any complaints about his little 2 hour once a week 'contribution,' I am just going to tell him to ask the VA to remove him. I am tired of him whining and then me with all the true difficulties I face being here 24/7. Dad even agreed to having someone come in one day a week to help out, so I am going to see he holds true to that, too. 

 

 

Edited March 16, 2020 by msh789

[broncovet]

It sounds like is woking out well for you!  (with your brother).  However,:

DO NOT, repeat, DO NOT have VA as fiduciary.  You should be fiduciary.  Or your brother.  I have heard so many horror stories about VA appointed fiduciaries.  You would be better off just publishing your dads name, ssn, credit card numbers, and let hackers take it all, rather than a VA fiduciary, which would be similar except, you can foil the hackers but never the VA, the VA fiduciary will take you to the cleaners, cause endless hassle, cost a fortune and steal most of the money.  

 

[msh789]

@broncovet, yes, I have heard some horror stories about the VA handing fiduciary duties. And I think brother has, too..I told him that mainly to try and snap him out of his whining about it. Dad is seeing how much of a pain it is for brother to do it, so if he were to have that changed, he would likely have me appointed. I think dad could also consider the other brother, but he is a little sneaky (which dad knows), so it's doubtful he would get the other brother appointed. But good golly, the current POA brother needs to step it up, he does literally as little as possible, then whines about it. 

Speaking of, the brother who is the current POA told me that he wants to be in on with us at the attorney's office on conference call when dad and I go to get the new POA papers signed.  Not sure how I feel about that, bc I am sure brother will try and influence dad in ways and I will once again have very little say, plus I look at it like this..that brother has done very ***VERY LITTLE*** so why should be be included in this appointment..? I know he thinks he should bc he is the current POA and has a law degree, but..so...? I am sure he will be all over dad to tell dad he wants to be in on a conference call that day with us, and dad will probably think it is a good idea. Sadly, brother really hasn't shown much concern in caring for dad thus far, why now...?  

He (brother) has some college professor friend filling his head with ideas and pumping him up (which isn't good for brothers blood pressure, and he can't see that,  but it is what it is). This college professor friend looks down on me bc I didn't go to college, always speaks to me like I am an idiot. This is the same person who asked my brother why I don't use my own car to run errands for dad and run dad to all his appointments, etc. She is a very bitter hateful woman. Ironically, her mother is also widowed and in her 80s and she also refuses to help her mom out...Her poor mom is struggling and this college professor, much like my brother, lives in her own self centered 'too bad, so sad, to heck with you I'm not gonna help you' world... 

[Berta]

I am so glad you are handling this whole situation, in a far better way , then when you first came to us!

This most important thing I ever learned in psych classes ( and  lack of college sure does NOT mean a person is stupid):

'We cannot change the behavior of others, but if we change our behavior towards them, they are forced to change the way the treat us.'

Of course this does not always help with dealing with anyone who has MH disabilities or who are stuck in ways that worked for them for decades.

You have changed the way you behave regarding your brothers.GOOD!

My neighbor, a senior citizen,  from the local dairy farm came over one day ,crying.

She was upset at how much her adult children and husband were putting on her.... farm work issues, feeding them , whenever they were hungry, (although they all have their own homes and kitchens), and being forced with little notice to watch the grandchildren.

She said " I heard that 'when you act like a doormat, people will wipe their feet on you.'"

She was quite aware of how she had contributed to that problem and angry at herself, and had developed a lot of knee pain as well.

Unfortunately , soon after that ,she needed knee replacements , and that changed everything.

She was in too much pain to cater to them. After she recovered from surgery, she told them she would no longer be able to help with the things they wanted her to do before, and she was firm with her position

I used to be a "doormat" myself for a few of my 'friends'.They could be as draining ,as when I was a caretaker. I do not have those "friends" anymore. Who needs people like that.

One good friend I have knows them too and calls them "psychic vampires". and their motive is to use and control anyone they can.

Stick to what you expect your brothers to do-it is about time they started to help more.

Broncovet is so CORRECT. The VA was hiring known felons to handle fiduciary stuff for vets years ago- and they were stealing compensation.

It took the VA over 6 months ,years ago to finish vetting my husband, and they had hired him already-

but they are still deficient in vetting some of their doctors ( why they hire the contractors to do that now)and never properly vetted many fiduciaries they (VA) had picked, who stole money from veterans.