rogus

In an odd situation and don't know what avenue if any I should or can pursue. I originally filed in 1998 for PTSD and fought 4 years for against the VA. In 2002 I was awarded 100% (but not total and permanent and was in psychiatric ward twice that year). In 2004 the VA Claimed CUE (clear and unmistakable error) and severed my service connection in 2005. For the first 2 years a vet org helped me appeal and then just started ignoring my request for help. I was given the impression that my case wasn't winnable an they would no longer pursue it. I then spent a few years trying to defend myself but in 2010 I filed some paperwork late but continued on with the appeal process. Around 2013 I managed to find another VSO that would help me out and eventually (2015) I won my case, I was rated at 70% for my PTSD and with my IBSD rating that kicked it up to 80% and I was awarded T&P IU. However I was only back payed to 2011. Talked to the regional office and was told it was because I filed that paperwork late in 2010 but that I could appeal that. Now I have been in the psychiatric ward 6 times and still have thoughts of suicide on a regular basis. (Right now I'm on the VA "Hot List" and am getting calls from VA social workers to make sure I'm ok.) Well after spending 10 years worrying about whether I and my family were going to make it and going into debt I was happy to just call it quits at that point and figured it was just the VA getting a last "boot in". A couple of days ago I found a copy of the VBA Judges decision and actually read it thoroughly. This is a direct quote "Service connection for an acquired psychiatric disorder was previously denied, however, at the time of the last decision on this claim, some of the Veteran's service records were not in the claims file.They have since been obtained. Under 38 C.F.R. § 3.156(c) (2014), if at any time after VA issues a decision on a claim, VA receives or associates with the claims file relevant official service department records that existed and had not been associated with the claims file when VA first decided the claim, VA will reconsider the claim. Here, because relevant service treatment records have been received since the last decision on this claim, and because there is no indication that VA previously would have been unable to obtain them because they did not exist or because the Veteran failed to provide sufficient information, the claim must be reconsidered on the merits. See id." So the VA put me thru hell for 10 years for a mistake they made by mysteriously losing records from my file. Then I lost 5 years of back pay after I made a mistake - after having been put in a situation they created and I shouldn't have been in in the first place. Am I understanding this correctly or is my anger after finally realizing what happened clouding my view? If I am correct is there anything I can do about it? The VSO that helped me finally win this case told me that if I pursue this I will lose my T&P rating and possibly have to go thru another decade of their bs. I got to admit I'm afraid of even requesting records now simply because of the bs that the VA pulled over that 10 years am in no condition to go into another decade long fight with them. I can't hold a job because to much stress will cause me to have hallucinations (which is why I was in the psych ward twice in 2002 the last year I held a job). Not only that but I can't even try to raise a few bucks by selling my plasma because of the years I was overseas. My wife who quit her part time job in 2018 to look after me meets the VA's requirement as a Care Provider but because I served after Vietnam and before 9/11 she can't sign up for that program till Oct 2022. I don't know what to do or even if I can do anything? Plz send some advice my way.