ptsd Emergent Need For Advice And Help Vet To Vet

[spike]

I have spoken to many counselors at the VA and it seemingly makes my PTSD issues even worse. I've looked into the Track 1 Program and the PTSD weekly counseling. It has created maritial issues in our relationship. My wife has left me, been gone and said that it's just getting worse. She doesn't know if she can trust someone who is on edge all the time and sometimes just doesn't want to be as social as I once was. Counselor told my wife when your husband (me) gets upset, leave him alone and don't bother him....that created issues as well. My wife leaving has resulted in weight loss of 23 lbs in less than 2 weeks, severe depression and having nightmares with my normal PTSD nightmares. What I am looking is anyone can help give advice to me.

saunderson.usmc@gmail.com

we can then share contact info if you should be so inclined to helping this vet from spiraling even worse.

VA doesn't help worth crap i've been counseling for about a year or so (constant)

[Jay Johnson]

Spike,

No, I'm not the same Jay Johnson. As for the territorial thing: It's actually funny that you bring this up. I mentioned earlier this summer that *I* had to go to jail because of an issue late one night before July 4th. My wife started going off on me at about 1 AM for no reason.....she started yelling at me, calling me a no good SOB, etc and she even began to push me. I tried to get away from her and out of the bedroom but she blocked my way and began pushing/hitting me in the chest, so I pushed her out of the room and locked the door. After about 10 minutes I went downstairs to check on her and she was huddled in a corner with this horrible look on her face and I knew it was time to call 911 and get her to s hospital, but she preempted me and called the police to say I was "yelling at her" (which I wasn't btw). Of course the cops ignored the fact that she is a 100% PTSD vet with a history of this sort of behavior and I spent 2 days in jail.

The moral of the story? Apparently, this was ALL because she had secretly became very jealous of the fact that I had lost about 50 lbs (over the last year) and started lifting again. She had also stopped taking her meds, which just compounded this irrational fear that I was going to leave her. Ironically, her way of trying to stop me from leaving was to fight and push me away, which seems crazy, but it's par for the course with women like that.....if they think you're going to leave, they push you away first to make themselves feel like they have control:-(

As for loving you: It takes a LOT of trust for someone with a history of sexual violence to be with ANY man and the mere fact that she has been with you this long should tell you that she most certainly cares for you, but she has her own demons and no amount of love can fix that. Perhaps she needs to hit rock bottom before she is willing to get the treatment needed to stabilize her life and maybe losing you might just push her to that realization, but there's really no way to tell. In the end, she has to admit something that most women won't: she has a problem because of her past and she NEEDS help.....nothing you can do can change that and the more you push the more she will likely retreat into her irrational ways.

It's a viscous cycle and only she can change it.....

P.S. - I applaud you for trying to help her and being so understanding.......it takes a real man to see the bigger picture in these cases and it has to be that much more difficult given your own PTSD issues!

[spike]

Jay you seemingly have a lot of knowledge on this subject. Do you think that she is persuing another relationship? I just can't figure out that she left me on July 24 and on Aug 4 she was found in the arms of a 'friend', your right the more I tried the more mean crap she said. So let me ask you this.

What are the chances?

She gets help in the end?

She returns to me before the divorce is final?

She loves me and my daughter?

That I lost her forever?

That she will be calling to talk to me in a week?

Go to marriage counseling?

How did you and your wife ever survive? My PTSD issues are more of guilt related.

yeah the thing with the territorial thing is this. My female cousin said too bad I couldn't just be friends with a beautiful woman who would brag about me in the way that she could possibly find out. She said let it simmer and watch her run back to show everyone 'to leave me alone' she said that she took social work classes an jealousy of intense feelings for something. I don't want to go down that road. ITs just not me.

[Jay Johnson]

Do you think that she is persuing another relationship?

I don't think people like that pursue other relationships in the way you may be thinking. *If* she is with someone else it would be because of security issues and not something you did wrong, so keep that in mind.

What are the chances?

To be perfectly honest it is completely up to her and dependent upon whether or not she can admit her problems to herself....if she stays in denial things aren't likely to change much and if they do, it will be a temporary fix.

She gets help in the end?

Again, only she can get help. There's not much you can do outside of assuring her that you are there when/if she gets help and that you're willing to work with her even if she gets worse because of it in the short term.

She returns to me before the divorce is final?

She may, but I think that would just be a temporary band aid, so to speak.

She loves me and my daughter?

Without a doubt, but love isn't always enough to overcome mental problems. Think of how many vets have tried to (or wanted to) commit suicide....how would that affect our loved ones? Yet they do it anyway, because the disease clouds one's judgment to a point where they can rationalize the irrational.

That I lost her forever?

I wouldn't look that far into the future. Take it one day at a time and do what you can both for you and her. Be there for her if she decides to get help; anything else is speculation that is just going to push you into depression and anxiety.

That she will be calling to talk to me in a week?

If she does, be very supportive and let her know that you love her and that you are there for her, *but* that she needs help in order for the relationship to work. It's a fine line to walk because asking someone in her position to get help in that fashion can often come off as an ultimatum, which will push her further away.

Go to marriage counseling?

Marriage counseling isn't the primary concern in my opinion. She needs individual help for her PTSD before you can even attempt to reconcile marital differences. My wife will find something to be angry about when she's in the mood to be angry and no amount of counseling can change that, so the little things that make up a marriage really aren't the issue; it's getting her on meds so she's no drinking and/or abusing herself.

How did you and your wife ever survive?

Honestly, I think it's because I'm a very tolerant person and that I have always had an interest in the field of psychology. This has allowed me to look past the simple explanations to get to the deeper seeded causes. However, it's still an every day struggle and it's very hard to fight that urge to respond in kind....when someone tries to pick a fight with you it takes a LOT to swallow your pride and ignore their advances; it's something I've had to learn over time.

Also, I keep reminding myself that the person she is when she gets angry, drinks, etc it not the person I married and that change is NOT her fault.....deep down I know she loves me and the kids and that helps me rationalize the bad times. I've also learned to take advantage of the good days, which helps keep us together.

yeah the thing with the territorial thing is this. My female cousin said too bad I couldn't just be friends with a beautiful woman who would brag about me in the way that she could possibly find out. She said let it simmer and watch her run back to show everyone 'to leave me alone' she said that she took social work classes an jealousy of intense feelings for something. I don't want to go down that road. ITs just not me.

Well, there's a difference between typical jealousy and what your wife is probably experiencing. I think what appears to be jealousy is likely more of a control issue......your wife wants control of the relationship and when another woman is interested in you that control breaks down. Oddly enough, when she feels a loss of control she pushes you away....if she were just merely jealous she would either confront you or the "other" woman.

Just keep in mind that rape is a control issue and not s sexual one, so women who suffer from rape tend to have severe control problems. By feeling in "control" of the relationship she neutralizes any threat you could be to her (IE - attacking her physically/sexually).

This is something that will likely never go away either....my wife and I have been together for 12 years now and dealing with the PTSD for 6 years and she still has control issues and feels very insecure about the relationship. It doesn't matter what I've been through with her, nor how many times I tell her that I'm never leaving her no matter what she does; in her mind, the fear of me hurting her or leaving her is always there.

It's a fine line to walk and a process I'm still learning, but the key to winning the battle is treatment for her because those meds help her see things more rationally then she would otherwise. When someone thinks the irrational is rational there is no amount of arguing that can change the situation......

[spike]

security issues? jay maybe we should talk about this on the side instead of back and forth on the page. I am willing to give you my number or email to communicate. Having a vet or someone who has dealt with this kind of stuff is better for me to get back on track that the school book lectures that I often feel are already predetermined as you walk in to talk to a VA. just send me an email at saunderson.usmc@gmail.com