ptsd Spouse's Ptsd - Wants To File Claim Trigger

[hedgey]

I think I've said before here that my husband has been showing symptoms of PTSD for as long as I've known him. He was in a serious MVA back in 1972 where his vehicle blew a tire, hit a bridge support, rolled 3 times and caught fire. While he amazingly remained conscious, (he thinks), he wasn't able to get his seatbelt off and was by a miracle, pulled out of the vehicle by a couple fellow soldiers who saw the accident (I've read the police report).

He remembers a lot of the accident, including the point when the guy grabbed his arm to pull him and the skin on my husband's arm came off like a sleeve.

He had 3rd degree, 2nd degree burns. His arms, hands, the back of his head and his ears... he was only 23. He was at Brooke Army Medical Center Burn unit for months, until they suddenly discharged him because of a school bus accident where the bus had burned.

He suffered horribly while being treated, watched guys in the next beds die of their burns, watched burned children being wheeled in. He is SC'd for the injuries from the accident, 80% for scars and his shoulder (burned down to bone, cartilage loss, I think. There's a pin or metal stick in there, holding things together).

Sorry, maybe it's not important to tell what he's been through, but I can't believe he's walking around and that I'm lucky enough to have found him. He's quirky, and scary sometimes, but I love him dearly.

I knew when I met him that he wasn't okay, but that he believed he was 'doing just fine'. The fact that he didn't have a social circle suited me very well, and it took 3 years for the two of us to get together and become a couple. We laugh and say we make a good pair.

ANYWAY, he's suddenly agreed that maybe he needs a little help. Or a lot of help. He has an appointment to meet with a VA therapist for the first time in a couple weeks. He's scared, and I'm not sure of the best way to help him.

He says his goal is to file a claim. I think he's saying that because it gives him a goal that doesn't actually come right out and say that he personally needs help. Does that make sense?

Guys, what would you want from your wife here? I'm trying not to hover and mother hen him, I don't think that's what he wants. He's never been violent with me or our daughter, but he has a volcanic quality, but he definitely lets me know when I'm getting too close.

I don't know what to do, really. I want to encourage him to allow help to come near him, but if he wants to focus on the claim, okay. How do I help him with that?

He's struggling with this, I can see it.

[hawkfire27]

HI Hedgey....

Your story sounds so familiar to mine. But my husband had 100% for PTSD before I met him. They sound very similar.

The important thing to remember when it comes to the VA therapy is that you are present until you are sure there is a good bond between you husband and the therapist. This gives you an in road, to talk about the session and what went on and keeps the communication good between the two of you. Once you know he and the therapist get on well, then you can give him the space to talk about the things he doesn't want you to have to know about.

He won't want to share that stuff with the therapist in the beginning anyway so you won't "be in the way". :-) (it also prevents any abuse of power from VA staff, and provides you as a witness if anything (god forbid) did go wrong). For example my husband worst fear is that they will try and commit him if he told them what he was really thinking half the time.....With me there beside him that can't happen, because I have a medical/durable POA, and the doctors can't make that decision. They also can't tell you to leave unless your husband wants you too. Every patient has the right to an advocate of their choice, it says so on the wall when you walk into the VA.

You could probably even take your daughter to the first visit as well, not only does this prevent your husband from feeling like he is walking the plank, but it also gives the therapist the opportunity to really know your husbands support base and family situation first hand.

Make it just like any other appointment, sit there in the background and ask a question if you have one. Just try not to make too much of it.....Duhn duhn duhn!!!!!! LOL! Use the claim, as an excuse to go. I need to know what is happening and what the doc says so I can look it up on hadit.... to make sure you get the best rating you can get.....etc.

Good Luck

I think I've said before here that my husband has been showing symptoms of PTSD for as long as I've known him. He was in a serious MVA back in 1972 where his vehicle blew a tire, hit a bridge support, rolled 3 times and caught fire. While he amazingly remained conscious, (he thinks), he wasn't able to get his seatbelt off and was by a miracle, pulled out of the vehicle by a couple fellow soldiers who saw the accident (I've read the police report).

He remembers a lot of the accident, including the point when the guy grabbed his arm to pull him and the skin on my husband's arm came off like a sleeve.

He had 3rd degree, 2nd degree burns. His arms, hands, the back of his head and his ears... he was only 23. He was at Brooke Army Medical Center Burn unit for months, until they suddenly discharged him because of a school bus accident where the bus had burned.

He suffered horribly while being treated, watched guys in the next beds die of their burns, watched burned children being wheeled in. He is SC'd for the injuries from the accident, 80% for scars and his shoulder (burned down to bone, cartilage loss, I think. There's a pin or metal stick in there, holding things together).

Sorry, maybe it's not important to tell what he's been through, but I can't believe he's walking around and that I'm lucky enough to have found him. He's quirky, and scary sometimes, but I love him dearly.

I knew when I met him that he wasn't okay, but that he believed he was 'doing just fine'. The fact that he didn't have a social circle suited me very well, and it took 3 years for the two of us to get together and become a couple. We laugh and say we make a good pair.

ANYWAY, he's suddenly agreed that maybe he needs a little help. Or a lot of help. He has an appointment to meet with a VA therapist for the first time in a couple weeks. He's scared, and I'm not sure of the best way to help him.

He says his goal is to file a claim. I think he's saying that because it gives him a goal that doesn't actually come right out and say that he personally needs help. Does that make sense?

Guys, what would you want from your wife here? I'm trying not to hover and mother hen him, I don't think that's what he wants. He's never been violent with me or our daughter, but he has a volcanic quality, but he definitely lets me know when I'm getting too close.

I don't know what to do, really. I want to encourage him to allow help to come near him, but if he wants to focus on the claim, okay. How do I help him with that?

He's struggling with this, I can see it.

Edited April 21, 2011 by hawkfire27

[hedgey]

Hawkfire, thank you so much for your reply. You answered one of my major questions; whether I should go with him or not. I was afraid I might be unwelcome by the therapist. Now that I think about it, if the therapist doesn't want the spouse in the room, that would be a really bad sign, wouldn't it? I don't think my husband would want our daughter there, he'd be very closed mouthed, very "there's nothing wrong with me, I'm fine! Why are we here??"

We have the durable medical POA's for each other, too, so I'll remind him of that. That will definitely make him feel better, because I know he worries about the same thing your husband did.

My husband has said several times that he knows whatever he tells the therapist, he's telling the VA, and he does NOT trust the VA. But I told him that, unlike most private therapy, we have access to the therapist's notes, and can read what's being said. (I've never had a problem getting my MH records). It's not something I do anymore myself, but at first it was a life-saver for me to be able to read the progress notes. Partly because I was able to see right off when one therapist obviously wasn't listening to me and wrote down all kinds of incorrect facts that I was able to challenge him on; and partly because when I could see that my current therapist was really "hearing" me... well, it helped a lot.

I have to confess I'm a bit anxious about the appointment myself. I'm trying not to let it show. My darling can be kind of blustery when he's stressed (okay, actually he can be pretty abrasive) and I'm hoping the therapist isn't a twit who can't tell the difference between stress & a threat. That I can be with him helps a lot. I know having me with him will help him stay contained.

He says that he's going to tell the therapist flat out, first thing, that he's planning to file a claim. He feels like it's important to make it clear right from the start. I don't know what to think about that. Part of me feels like it's going to be too confrontational and also that it will make the therapist defensive.

I don't know what to say to him about it. This is his therapy, and he needs to do it his way, but I feel like it won't go well if he stomps in there and essentially tells the therapist his diagnosis and that winning a SC claim is his goal.....

Any more terrific advice, Hawkfire? You said your husband was already rated, etc., when you met him, so you didn't have this issue come up. I'm really glad you mentioned the POA, that's a great stress relief for us both!

[hedgey]

Just posting today because tomorrow is my husband's first therapy appointment and I'm nervous about it.

We were in Sears yesterday morning and I was behind him when I saw him suddenly jerk his body and through his left hand up behind his head. He shuddered and kept walking. I've seen him do this a thousand times. He said he suddenly saw a fireball, heard the wumpf sound, and he didn't even know his hand had moved. He had no idea why it happened, but he said he knew it happened pretty often, pretty much once or twice a day on average. (I remember seeing him do this when I first knew him and I thought it was a kind of tourette's). He said it was nothing, it only lasted an instant, so it was no big deal. He could shake it off.

During his accident he shielded his head from the fire with his left hand while he fumbled with the seat belt with his right hand.

This is so hard for me. We've only been married 15 years, he's been living with this since 1972. When we married I promised I would never try to change him and I haven't. But am I doing that now by encouraging him to see the therapist? He says he's ready, that he wants to talk to someone, but he's doing it for me.

I don't know what to say to him. I can't believe he'd do anything he didn't want to, he's a pretty pig-headed sweetie pie. I know he doesn't sleep, and that he has no-doubt-about-it OCD. I know that he gets seriously distressed when things are out of order and he can't change them.. and that he has panic attacks that make him bunch up like a hedgehog... (just like me, except I cry and he doesn't).

I'm so afraid about this. I'm afraid he'll flare up at the therapist, or clam up or storm out. I hope the therapist (a vet) will understand what he's seeing...

And he wants to file a claim because he's worried about being able to keep working. He's had explosions at work in the past. His old (VN vet) boss sent him out to walk it off & cool off, but the new boss is a youngster without that kind of wisdom. My husband is afraid he's going to "pin the little ba$tard's ears back" for him. I keep telling him to walk away when he feels like that... well, it's easy to give advice. I'm a mouse, he's a tiger.

Everything will be okay, won't it?

[john999]

If he is being seen by a therapist who is familiar with PTSD I don't think the therapist will be shocked by what your husband says or does. Denial is a big part of PTSD.

[halos2]

With 70% for PTSD, yes I see where he is 100% TDIU, but with the % for PTSD I can't figure out how he has not been going to therapy all these years?? With mental health issues you are really never "cured" as there is no such thing. But the VARO tend to look at claims over the years, and I can't believe his wasn't reevaluated, unless it was over 20 years...Anyway, he needs a save therapeutic environment to tell a trusting therapist his problems, fears, traumas,thing and coping methods, etc...If he is like another one I know you may need to intervene and tell what "your observations are!"

I would not bring in a child, as I am sure she unless, a mature adult, cannot understand the content of his issues, and it could compound other feelings in her. Maybe down the road she could write a letter stating what he has done, hasn't done, in her life, and if it has affected her positively or negatively, mind you with an adult child it may be possible. The focus is and should be on him, it is VERY natural to have/manifest issues involving the traumas and pain he experienced, and those he continues to experience. Good luck with the therapy, and post how it is going.

I read where your marriage is 15 yrs, so I am thinking your daughter is maybe a teen? I would not subject my child to HIS therapy session, if needed she can have HER own therapist to deal with issues she may have related to his actions/reactions/behavior/attention/lack of attention...etc...

Edited June 24, 2011 by halos2

[hedgey]

I'm sorry I haven't been back to respond, my Father in law has taken a turn for the worse and we've been dealing with that - it's been very hard for a lot of reasons.

Halos, I think I need to clarify some stuff. My profile has my information in it, not my husband's. My husband is 80% for his burn scars and his shoulder which has greatly reduced ROM. He is not SC'd for PTSD at all. That's me that has 70% PTSD, and a couple 10% ratings for my feet. I have TDIU, P&T so I have 100% with the CHAMPVA, etc.

Update:

My husband started therapy, and so far so good. He says he enjoys the weekly therapy sessions, although he's still feeling the therapist out, getting to know him, etc. He says the therapist has dx'd him with PTSD, with Anxiety & OCD. DH has also seen a VA psychiatrist and been put on medication, though he doesn't know for sure what his diagnosis from him is (forgot to ask). My darling is definitely more agitated, but it's possibly response to his Dad's impending death. It's a blessing that DH started therapy when he did, because I think having the therapist to talk to can only be good for him right now.

The therapist also strongly encourages DH to file a claim, and says he'll support him any way he can. The therapist says that it's really important for PTSD vets to get SC'd, because it helps ensure their place in treatment, and it's therapeutic (I love this guy) for the vet to stand up and demand recognition for their loss of quality of life.

My husband watched me go through the claim process and is anxious, stressed, to think of going through the same kind of thing. We need to know what diagnosis the psychiatrist gave him, that's why I was asking what to do about getting his records in my other thread.

I'm exhausted and at the frizzy end of my rope. I'm struggling with these sentences to get them straight, thank goodness for backspace & delete.