Bonnie

Ok well I just got a letter from nelnet about discharging my school loans it has been approved. Sooooo let's see how it affects my credit. I almost have my credit score high enough to get a home mortgage loan. My score is between 580-611 depends on which credit reporting company you look at. I started at 480. I been planning to move for some years. So I been working on my credit for the past year in a half. So hopefully I can start looking for a house to buy next month. I'm moving to the suburbs not to far but far enough to make people think before they drive to my house. Really I don't want nobody to visit me. Family friends. Except a small few. I just don't be feeling up to it and being that I stay close to my family they want me to take them here and there. I feel when I drive somebody somewhere that's when it's a chance to get in a car crash. I really pray and wish I can move before I get into it with anybody over here where I'm at. Gosh to have my own backyard a place where nobody could threaten to kick me out. Man I'm going to have every fruit tree I can plant in my backyard. A nice GERMAN Shepard IMMA get as a puppy. We shall grow old together thus will be my final resting place.
Ok now my health is pretty much the same. Pain every day. I'm still waking up in the middle of the night. Carlieee I tried some throat drops they had for dry mouth. They a little tarty they didn't have bioteen. I need to find a different mouth wetter. My mental I feel numb light headed and drowsy just about every day. I have still been in isolation stayin in my room only coming out for the restroom and to eat. I'm still seeing my shrink so that's where I'm at right now. Really I'm a bomb waiting to explode and I don't want that. My only solution is to stay away from people and if I have to mingle amongst people I need to keep it short and sweet. Nightmares pretty much every night. Prazosin I'm up to 8 pills my doc said DONT go more than 9 pills so I might have to up my dose. Truthly it seems like prazosin only works for a week after you up your dose then it's right back to nightmare central. Another thing it's certain people that if I see them instantly turns me into rage. I'm tired of having helicopters and squad cars following me because my target calls the police on me EVERYTIME I chase him. So my only option is to get out of where I'm at away from everybody. As of now I'm done with violence even tho it plagues my mind daily I will not give in to it I will not even put myself into a situation to anger me. So on a brighter note I will pits how my credit was affected after they report my lianas being discharged. Oookaaaay hope everybody gas a wonderful. Weeekend.

One thing I wish for is to be able to go to bed at night and wake up early in the mourning instead of having these stupid dreams dam dam dam. I sleep two to three hours max then I'm getting up using the restroom or smoking a cigarette. I don't know I'm still kind of out of it. I swear if I went to hell I dont think I would know the difference than my regular life or my afterlife. Torment is torment. I just don't understand how one say I can be perfectly fine chasing women then the next moment I'm one scared guy feeling like a pschytzophrenic. OOOH we'll I am trying to go ack TA sleep I just wanted to visit YALL while it's the middle of the night and I'm dreading GOIN back to sleep knowing 100% I Will have another stupid dream nightmare or something. Oooooh well night night

From reading this post and the responses, I can truly say I am very relieved to know I'm not alone in the issues I deal with on a daily basis; several of you hit the nail on the head when you stated that you don't want to deal with anyone other than immediate family, etc., as many outsiders don't understand what the constant pain does to you.

I really appreciate you all for your service and for sharing your stories; may God continue to bless you all and your families.

Exactly I waited a year to get ssdi. It took the edge off just barely. But it dam sho helped. The va claim process is what was flipping me out. My last day of work when I realized that I was done and I couldn't work any longer my heart dropped I damned there cried when I had to tell my boss that I. Was finished. Mixed with mental and physical issues I was done but all these years working my back would go out for a while. Truthly my anger stopped me from advancing in life I have literally been either drunk or high since I got out the army I had a bleeding ulcer by 25. I use to get so mad that I would start coughing and I would pass out flat on the ground. If YALL only knew how many police and helicopters was called on me for loosing control chasing people from my pass I didn't like. My life been just one big screw. I use to beg GOD for death even tho I got tdiu I don't mind death knocking at my door even now. It's like my health us going down hill. My life doctors psychiatrist pills room isolated only coming out to use the restroom. Old doctor said well the physical therapy at the va told me it's nothing more they can do besides start giving me shots in my back and I don't think I want to let them needle my back I'm scared they will paralyze me. OOOH we'll we are in this together troops. Love peace and happiness for us all

before I got service connected my mind was in a daze it's one last weight lifted off your shoulders then what's left is concentrating on managing your health. Which is easier than sweating writing getting nexus letters writing your stressor over and over again. Old Uncle Sam came thru to my amazement I just knew that I would be denied. I fought my battle for 4 Years my original claim was in 2001 SO IT BEEN A WHILE WORKING UNTIL your body just breaks totally down and it's like they got you in the palm of they hand literally.
:-)

Just some advice from someone that's right there with ya brother...I've been working through a lot of the same things as you over the years.

First...try to focus on those kiddo's. You'll always be their Dad...and they'll always love ya. Just do your best to make sure they know you love them too. My kids have always been a balance for me...I can't tell you how many times I've thought of eating a .45, and when it boiled down to it, I just couldn't do it, because I couldn't possibly do that to my little girls. Life's been rough for me, and at many times not fair, but there is no way I ever want my girls to have to live without a Dad because I couldn't deal with things.

Second...Get that claim into the VA for PTSD. It's hard, you don't know where to start...I get it. Find a VSO at the American Legion, VFW, DAV...somewhere and just at least submit the claim to get the ball rolling. The sooner you start, the sooner it will EVENTUALLY be done.

Third...Get back in that gym. You loved it at one time...If you need to, do like I do. Early in the morning or late at night when hardly anyone else is there. Put on those headphones, don't talk to anyone else...just you and the weights. It will take a little extra motivation to get back into the routine, but as you know from being there before, once you make it a habit and a passion again, you'll hate MISSING a day in the gym.

Hope some of these things might be a start...You definitely aren't alone brother...

I feel ya. Its midnight in hawaii and Im reading this. I feel the same as you guys. Im not compensated for ptsd but I have tested positive. I doubt Ill ever get money for it but I dont think it really matters.

Currently I get rougly 40k a year from going to college plus my disability pay. Sounds great on paper but Im focking miserable. I never want to be around anyone or do anything. I despise texting and facebook. I literally dream of just buying a 200k house outside of vegas far from everyone and staying by myself all day.

I get very mad very easily and constantly think Others are either week or want to screw me.

I used to be into cars and weight lifting. I sold my viper two years ago and have been to the gym maybe twice in the past year. I was a borderline body builder two years ago.

Hpw can you care about sports cars or weight lifting when really you no longer care about your self?

I guess Im venting but.....damn

Life has no taste. No up or down or right or wrong.

I miss the happy me. He started fading away back in 09 when my hearing started getting really bad...

My wife and kids would ask me to go to the movies and eat. I didnt eant to be around people and told them to go without me. Then they eventually stopped asking.

Two years later wife had an affair because I never want to do things with her and kids and dont show interest in her life.

I catch her with lover and smack them around. End up in jail and now losing job.

Even more so though want to be around anyone.

Im 33.....not supposed to be this way.

God bless and thanks for letting me know Im not the only one

Finally got my hydrocodone from the va. It's been a very much awaited pain pill that I needed. Also with all my other cocktails I been taking meclizine a motion sickness pill to take away some of my dizziness and nausea I don't know if its been actually working but one the other hand I have been back drowsy again. I'm probably taking about 15 pills a day. My eyes be blood shot and I can't sleep a full night without waking up at 2-4. Also when I was raking my ambien I still woke up. Whatever's going on in my back it has toke out my whole left leg. I can still use it but its like somebody got they combat boots and kicked me dead in the keeeeeester honestly both legs and my toes is hurting from what I don't know I haven't done anything to aggravate my back or leg. My primary care physician has ordered a MRI of my head I guess for my hearing I would love for them to scan my brain to see if any changes has token place in my head. I'm still having dizzy spells when I turn my head. OOOOH well this is where I'm at today still inside the house I pretty much stayed in my dark room all day not messing with anybody. :-) HERES a smile through the battle we must fight for happiness!!!!!

Yeah I really don't want to visit anybody. I have to admit if me and my daughters mother had split up I don't know what me and my daughter relationship would be like. I guess THATS why I just stayed and hung in there.

See what I mean? It's so difficult for others to get it. No disrespect intended to Carlie as she 's simply trying to help.
But many suffering with PTSD just don't feel much like visiting others, going to malls, the zoo, or much of anything for that matter.
At the risk of other's taking my opinion the wrong way (happens often so @&$ it!), I'm gonna press "post" anyway.
LC

Yeah my feelings almost copy yours. I just want to exist no problems. People think you are playing until you blow up on them. To tell the truth I'm glad to be 100% but far as the way I feel inside my head the numbness anger anti social and horrible images. I am still not happy. My happy place seems to be in the middle of no where very limited people but millions of animals no noise rude drivers just peace and quiet. One thing is I am extremely glad that claim process is over the actual anticipation of the outcome is enough to drive anyone into major depression man only if I can really talk about my time since I got out the army what I been up to GOOOD lord. Only reason I even see people is because I have to. I spend the majorities of my days inside of my bedroom TRUTHLY with no desires of coming out. Only reason I leave my room is to use the restroom eat and health appointments and maybe fishing once a month. They tell me to get out the house be social but how can you be social when you are around people all you have is menacing thoughts THATS wrong but funny at the same time. THANX LOOSE CANNON FOR SHARING YOUR SITUATION BELIEVE ME I FELT AND UNDERSTOOD EVERY WORD. :-)

82,
It's definitely a daily battle that I can very well relate to. PTSD sucks. Trying to deal with it sucks more. What's even more troubling is that so many people in the civilian sector just don't understand. Some are jealous that we are 100% and think we have made up our condition for monetary benefits. Each trip out in public is test of my patience. It has gotten so bad that it's just not worth the trouble and too much of a hassle.

I still attend my VA doc appointments and take the meds they prescribe but the feelings just don't get better. Every time some A-hole provokes me, I want to cringe. I've never been violent to anyone but am afraid someday if the wrong person pushes my buttons to much, all the anger will come out.

So, like you, I have resigned myself mostly to my immediate family. I just don't want any more confrontations! I guess they call what we experience "feelings of withdrawal"...but honestly, I prefer it. Just want to spend time with my dogs and other animals. I have a rottie and i call him my PTSD dog. Best friend in the world! He is very protective of me and seems to know just what I'm feeling if that makes sense. He has no formal service dog training but I swear, you'd never know it.

Why am I writing all this? Because I'm at a crossroad and torn in two directions. One says to keep fighting and try to get back to the "old me " of years ago. The other says, screw it...just buy a large piece of land someplace in the country away from the craziness of people and just live my life. Why continue struggling to fit in to today's morally bankrupt society where people just don't get me.

I have an upcoming appt. with my doc soon. About ready to tell the doc I've decided, like you, to disappear from society and start my life new somewhere else. I know this sounds horrible, but I wish I had lost a leg or something in Iraq. Anything but PTSD! Not looking for pity. Just want to show you that you are not alone in what you're feeling. I hear you brother loud & clear.
LC

Well now that my claim is finished I'm trying to discharge my student loans so my credit will get better. The vocational rehab guy keep telling me about school. I might as well go to the prison and ask them to enroll MEE. At this point me and people do not mix. Also I don't want to commit to anything. Before I do anything I need to get my health together. I'm pretty much bleeding from time to time out of both ends. Yes. Old doc say my liver point is up most likely to being a alcoholic when I was in my twenties. I been avoiding all contact with unknown people. All I really want. It is not money for school but I just want my credit to get right where I can get a home loan then I pretty much want to disappear to the suburbs of California. Education I can read books. I have no desire to be around people. I walk with a cane every day. I see people looking at me then turning they head when i look they way. But not to stray from what I'm saying I put in for a school loan discharge so I will attempt on letting YALL know how it helps my credit if it do. So this is where I'm at now still going to the psych and medical doctors at the va. So my main goal is to pretty much disappear but not disappear from society.