I recently received my award lettered granting me, 30%PTSD, 10% for back and both knees, a total of 50% disabled.
From what I understand this system is not necessary based of how disabled you are but how persistent you are and knowledgeable about the process.
In my case I was a former Infantryman and served in Iraq for 15 months, pretty hostile places I might add, Huge 8 hour conflict in Najaf (quoted largest firefight since the invasion of Iraq), my unit/platoon were among the first soldiers to patrol and conduct missons in Sadr City... blah blah..
My PTSD to me seems severe to the point I find happiness in NOTHING. Money, love, family, life or anything. So the process of appealing doesn't appeal. What I do want is help. I work 12 hour days for upwards of 65-70hrs a week and I find little time for basic things in life much less therapy.
I am sick, shell shocked whatever. i spent the last 4 years of my life learning to do nothing but kill people, yeah yeah first aid, land nav but all thats to help me kill more people....
Uncle sam made me into this emotionless machine, to kill and not feel bad or shame. Problem is converting back to civilian life is not so easy. I cant sleep without drinking, and when i do its only for about 5 hours, then I have nightmares, i awake with my heart pounding out of my chest and ANGRY for not real reason, and im not talking about a cry for attention ANGRY but, Im talking picking up the pistol and blasting thru walls, sometimes im not even fully awake yet. The local Va hospital is large Ralph Johnson down here in Charleston sc, but they just listen, i guess maybe its because their civvies their pretending to care and understand, all they do is prescribe me meds that have NO EFFECTs but side effects. They scheldule me to therphy that I have no time for, I guess if i was like some of the older members of this forum it would be okay to spend all day talking about how I got sea sick on a boat or whatever POG's story. I feel like Im at battle and its either fight the ptsd and lose my job or keep my job and keep the ptsd. Everytime I visit the VA i leave feeling way worst than i came, talking about things I did in iraq triggers something inside me so evil.. Im afraid of what i'll do. Something about my first kill.. watching him die slowly, gasping for air and finally dying and me looking into his eyes the whole time just wont leave my mind, at the time we thought it was funny, even kicked at him, but now everythings a reality and not funny AT ALL.
My Knees well, besides running 5k miles 4 times a week, road marching with heavy rucks, and patrolling 14hrs a day as a M249 SAW gunner, 6-800 rnds of ammo, Sappi plates and full kit.... kinda takes a toll, same for my back. Its bad because I can hear my knees grind when i bend them, they hurt when I stand too long,
Some how this is only 50% disabled? Like I said before its not about the money because theres nothing I can buy that'll make me even remotely happy again. Maybe my PTSD is different from the ones I've been reading about here. But for me I just wanna be alone, away from everything social, I don't mind nature, ya know birds trees etc.
Everybody I loved, im pushing away. My memory is failing, I cant remember names of Dr's, appointments.... I get lost in conversations, my mind just drifts. The Va is a joke, I'm 24 years old, no joy in life, no clubs, no interest in sex or girls, pushed all of my friends away. I want help but this PTSD has a way to pushing away help too, I seen alot of stuff and most of what I saw i'm really now just remembering because I blocked some of it out.
Sorry for the rant, I just don't know what else to do.........
Another thing working against me is I hate to complain, and cry to the VA. Talking about my stressors and triggers makes me very very upset, All me C&ps were quick and sloppy, my award letter described my right knee as my right knee and my left knee as my right knee?
Question
strykergrunt
I recently received my award lettered granting me, 30%PTSD, 10% for back and both knees, a total of 50% disabled.
From what I understand this system is not necessary based of how disabled you are but how persistent you are and knowledgeable about the process.
In my case I was a former Infantryman and served in Iraq for 15 months, pretty hostile places I might add, Huge 8 hour conflict in Najaf (quoted largest firefight since the invasion of Iraq), my unit/platoon were among the first soldiers to patrol and conduct missons in Sadr City... blah blah..
My PTSD to me seems severe to the point I find happiness in NOTHING. Money, love, family, life or anything. So the process of appealing doesn't appeal. What I do want is help. I work 12 hour days for upwards of 65-70hrs a week and I find little time for basic things in life much less therapy.
I am sick, shell shocked whatever. i spent the last 4 years of my life learning to do nothing but kill people, yeah yeah first aid, land nav but all thats to help me kill more people....
Uncle sam made me into this emotionless machine, to kill and not feel bad or shame. Problem is converting back to civilian life is not so easy. I cant sleep without drinking, and when i do its only for about 5 hours, then I have nightmares, i awake with my heart pounding out of my chest and ANGRY for not real reason, and im not talking about a cry for attention ANGRY but, Im talking picking up the pistol and blasting thru walls, sometimes im not even fully awake yet. The local Va hospital is large Ralph Johnson down here in Charleston sc, but they just listen, i guess maybe its because their civvies their pretending to care and understand, all they do is prescribe me meds that have NO EFFECTs but side effects. They scheldule me to therphy that I have no time for, I guess if i was like some of the older members of this forum it would be okay to spend all day talking about how I got sea sick on a boat or whatever POG's story. I feel like Im at battle and its either fight the ptsd and lose my job or keep my job and keep the ptsd. Everytime I visit the VA i leave feeling way worst than i came, talking about things I did in iraq triggers something inside me so evil.. Im afraid of what i'll do. Something about my first kill.. watching him die slowly, gasping for air and finally dying and me looking into his eyes the whole time just wont leave my mind, at the time we thought it was funny, even kicked at him, but now everythings a reality and not funny AT ALL.
My Knees well, besides running 5k miles 4 times a week, road marching with heavy rucks, and patrolling 14hrs a day as a M249 SAW gunner, 6-800 rnds of ammo, Sappi plates and full kit.... kinda takes a toll, same for my back. Its bad because I can hear my knees grind when i bend them, they hurt when I stand too long,
Some how this is only 50% disabled? Like I said before its not about the money because theres nothing I can buy that'll make me even remotely happy again. Maybe my PTSD is different from the ones I've been reading about here. But for me I just wanna be alone, away from everything social, I don't mind nature, ya know birds trees etc.
Everybody I loved, im pushing away. My memory is failing, I cant remember names of Dr's, appointments.... I get lost in conversations, my mind just drifts. The Va is a joke, I'm 24 years old, no joy in life, no clubs, no interest in sex or girls, pushed all of my friends away. I want help but this PTSD has a way to pushing away help too, I seen alot of stuff and most of what I saw i'm really now just remembering because I blocked some of it out.
Sorry for the rant, I just don't know what else to do.........
Another thing working against me is I hate to complain, and cry to the VA. Talking about my stressors and triggers makes me very very upset, All me C&ps were quick and sloppy, my award letter described my right knee as my right knee and my left knee as my right knee?
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