ptsd Frustrated & Confused - Possible Triggers

[tiredofbeingtired]

I don't know if I can keep doing this. I am to the point that I am questioning myself as to why I am even going through this process.

I have had an open claim for PTSD/MST since September 2010 (my first claim). I have my diagnosis for PTSD and am currently in treatment. I came to the VA when I hit absolute bottom and almost ended my life for the second time since my discharge. I had been heavily drinking for the last ten years and began treatment through SATP right away and am proud to say that I have been sober since September 28, 2010. With my new found sobriety, I am actually having to process things that I would rather forget. I am struggling with my PTSD treatment and am still in SATP simply because I know at any point I may relapse. I am seen weekly through SATP and PTSD treatment at the VA.

A little background:

I was in the Navy for 13 months before I received a Hardship Honorable Discharge. (I know this is very little compared to most of you. I would like to thank all of you for your service.) Through that short time, starting at boot camp, a MP on the base handcuffed a shipmate recuit in a basement stairwell (I won't go into any specifics) and she was found by a group of us screaming and naked. After the incident, back at our ship, a female petty officer preached to all of the females on how this is life in the Navy for women; sometimes these things happen. We were unable to call home and nothing further was ever said. I graduated boot camp as an E-3. I had been a leader and was excited at the journey ahead of me.....until that moment.

I hit the bottle the moment I was dropped at the airport with orders to A-school training in Mississippi and didn't stop. I drove down to New Orleans anytime I did not have duty. I barely got by at AK training, but with my presentation abilities, I was one of two sailors who went before a board and was given the rank of E-4 when I hit my duty station, the USS Kittyhawk. Never made it.

I went home on leave and was going to go AWOL. My step-father had retired from the Army and was able to pull a few strings to get me stationed near home at a recruiting center.

Drinking was worse than ever. I didn't want to be in the Navy. I was scared. Drank way too much one particular night and put myself in a situation that will haunt me forever.

To get to my current frustrations, my claim has remained in the development phase but not needing any additional information since July 2011. After 3 inquiries (two with no response) I finally got a call last week wanting to schedule my C&P exam. Got the call Wednesday, had my appointment Thursday morning. I was scared to death for my exam. It has taken me a year to get to the point that I am able to write what I have written, and suddenly I am having to "plead my case" with someone I have never met. I was told to be sure to just tell her the honest truth and not beat myself up during the exam. I held my own, cried the entire time, but made it throught it. Fifty-nine minutes after walking in her office, she told me she had no other questions for me and off she sent me.

I met with my counselor today and asked her if she was able to pull up my C&P exam (Read on here that mental health has access). She skimmed over the report (I never saw it) and told me that she would not comment on the report. She said that she did not necessarily agree with statements, but wasn't sure how the examiner received information, etc. She also said that this was the first C&P exam she had seen. Needless to say my stomach dropped and I just tried to keep it together so I could leave her office. I put her in a compromising situation and was not what I intended. I had told her I was heading to the VFW after our appointment to request a copy of my exam. She told me before I left that if I saw the exam and became upset to just head to the VA to see her; no appointment needed. I think of myself as a smart person. I am expecting the worst. I went to the VFW and requested a copy of my C&P exam but was told it could be weeks (I am submitting paperwork to DEERS verifying my name change and I will be able to get on eBenefits). Am I wasting my time with all of this? Is there similar stories to mine? I feel like an absolute failure. I haven't been able to keep a job, though I am able to get really great ones. I have awful relationships because of my issues; running to the first open arms after my trauma. We married and had a little girl, but divorced 3 years later. My only bright light is my daughter. Without her, I know I wouldn't be here. I am just wanting to be able to take care of my daughter, process my traumas and be able to start a new path. I would give anything to turn back time.

[carlie]

I have had an open claim for PTSD/MST since September 2010 (my first claim).

I have my diagnosis for PTSD and am currently in treatment.

A little background:

I was in the Navy for 13 months before I received a Hardship Honorable Discharge.

(I know this is very little compared to most of you. I would like to thank all of you for your service.)

Through that short time, starting at boot camp, a MP on the base handcuffed a shipmate recuit in a basement stairwell

(I won't go into any specifics) and she was found by a group of us screaming and naked.

After the incident, back at our ship, a female petty officer preached to all of the females on how this is life in the Navy for women; sometimes these things happen.

Drank way too much one particular night and put myself in a situation that will haunt me forever.

tobt,

First off - yes, you are a veteran - just as much as others.

What was the "Hardship" reason listed ?

From your post I can not tell if you experienced MST or not.

What have your MH providers stated (and or hopefully written) is the stressor "event"

that is the cause of your PTSD ?