82airborne

tdiu
Violent to peaceful

58 posts in this topic

Wow the last couple nights I been going plum mad in my sleep standing up in bed swinging going into convulsions my gal said she was so scared tonight she felt like she was having a heart attack when she left to work she didn't even say by she said something has to change about our sleeping situation 😩 She said she hope I been taking my medicine and I have so I'm wondering will she be moving to another room also my last couple days been all hallucinations at night when I open my eyes spiders and black dots wall to wall floor to ceiling and what is crazy the attack part of my sleep I have no memory of none of it well I'm telling y'all part of the story two days ago I seen my ex suppose to be mother of my child I just walked away I didn't want to even hear her lies and bullspit when I got home I started to get mad and I got drunk hoping for someone to mess with me so I can release pure anger but nobody did but just maybe this woman caused my flip outs in my dreams I haven't been right since I seen her two days ago so of course isolation I will be in for quite some time not bothering nobody my gall almost sounded like she wanted to leave me out of fear of my mental situation ooooooh well happy holidays MERRY CHRISTMAS AND MAY GOD BLESS US ALL 😁😁😁

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I would love to say I been in happiness but I can't I spend my days in paranoia thinking people is out to get me ,hoping for violence at times hands shaking feeling numb inside all I really want deep inside is just peace of mind to feel safe hallucinations at night still continue stupid dreams still continue then before I go to sleep besides the tinnitus ringing I'm hearing police sirens yells and screams and it just all seems to get worst at times I go in pure mania madness of thoughts for no reason at all but on a brighter note I went fishing last week caught three nice size trout this my first year targeting trout so that really made me feel good fishing and being in my little garden is the only place I feel at ease when I look at my past people just used me to be there bully enforcer I valued their life more than mine I was always willing to give my life to save others until I realized nobody will give they life to save mine ITS ONLY BY THE GRACE OF GOD IM HERE A FREE MAN STILL BREATHING that's why I just stay home I realize I can only chance my luck so many times before I lose and become the victim my intentions is to stay out of sight out of mind if this is possible I love my family but I have no desire to spend time with them why I just don't know sooooo 2017 will be another year of isolation TRUTHLY it's people out there if I see them I instantly go into attack mode then all I hear is helicopters circling me from them calling the police on me so what better way to avoid all of that than by fishing and gardening minding my own business staying out of sight out of mind well happy New Years to you all and may we all stay out of harms way and remember stay of those airplanes and drive it might take longer but at least you have a better chance of surviving thanx for having me 

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Well I have still been in isolation only place I go to is the lake by my house I love the different birds the nature water fish plopping out of the water I love it it's the only place I feel totallyat peace as far as hallucinations while I'm fishing I'm seeing people out the corner of my eyes that's of course isn't really there sometimes yells and I hear people talking to me but when I look there is absolutely nobody there at night I'm still seeing things but for the most part of it all I stay in my little room every day all day without any interest in going outside to be social only thing I really don't care about fishing is people talking to me burning my ears off with questions and topics I care nothing for I can't lie my mind tries to convince me that my life will soon have a bloody end I can't shake the feeling so I guess that's another reason I just stay home I have faced and cheated death over a dozen times so deep inside I'm just a scared middle aged male that only want peace if I stay alive I plan on gardening fruit and vegetables and if I get good production my fruits and veggies will be going to churches older people and whoever I can help save a couple dollars I want to be a blessing and not a lesson I swear I'm tired of being a dummy bully enforcer fighting other people battles when deep inside I have my own battle to fight for peace love and security happy Valentine's Day everyone thanx for having me 2017 WILL BE ANOTHER YEAR OF ISOLATION 

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Well YALL another summer I'm still trying to catch up from when they cut my tdiu part of my disability last year guess what I still feel numb violent mad anxious nervous doped up I'm still in isolation I don't talk to anyone if I can help it they scheduled me for a c &up exam I thought that was strange when they told me they decisions was final and I wouldn't receive no more exams all I'm doing is waiting to be blessed with death guess what my dad died two months ago and I'm at a great loss I still been going fishing but not that much I try to want to go out and be social but when I'm around a lot of people I just have bad thoughts and I would prefer living my life in a room at home than end up in prison for life for giving in to my desires I can't lie my entire life seem like it didn't exist I'm having questions about events in my life wondering did they really happen people tell me things I did and I have no memory whatsoever of what they are talking about I found out that my dad mom her sister and her brother had nervous breakdowns after tragic events and they ended up on psych mess so I guess I do have a history of mental illness truthly im on pins and needles wondering what my future holds but leave it to the voices in my head my ending might not be good my plans is to just stay out of the way let society go on without me while they take selfies I will be sitting with nature enjoying the pretty colored birds every day I'm seeing shadows like the grim reaper walking out of my eye sight when I turn around guess what it's nobody there my question is is these ghost are is my mind really screwed if ghost don't exist then I am truly screwed because I surely see them also I believe they talk to me every one I know that have died I either see them when I dream or when I close my eyes y'all guessed it I'm trying to go to sleep but my mind is racing with thoughts who knows what's real and what's fake but I am writing this in case eventually my mind goes totally blank after a while and I become unable to speak my past so I will finish this summer in isolation if y'all ever hear that I'm in trouble believe me I didn't start it I will merely be responding to whatever comes my way ooooooh well I'm almost 100% sure that when I go to bed another nightmare will unfold or I will dream that I'm in somebody war my last question before I go what if the voices the shadows the ghostly figures the music I hear is real and my mind isn't tripping is that even a possibility oooooh well and yes I'm still taking all my psych meds soil doing what I'm supposed to do to stay out of trouble only places I will go is to the lake to harass mr whiskers ( poor little catfish ) I'm avoiding all possible avenues of anger its people out there if I see them I will instantly turn into a madman SGT SANCHEZ YOU WAS A REAL SOLDIER REST IN PEACE BROTHA 

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