ptsd Appealing Ptsd, Back And Knees?

[strykergrunt]

I recently received my award lettered granting me, 30%PTSD, 10% for back and both knees, a total of 50% disabled.

From what I understand this system is not necessary based of how disabled you are but how persistent you are and knowledgeable about the process.

In my case I was a former Infantryman and served in Iraq for 15 months, pretty hostile places I might add, Huge 8 hour conflict in Najaf (quoted largest firefight since the invasion of Iraq), my unit/platoon were among the first soldiers to patrol and conduct missons in Sadr City... blah blah..

My PTSD to me seems severe to the point I find happiness in NOTHING. Money, love, family, life or anything. So the process of appealing doesn't appeal. What I do want is help. I work 12 hour days for upwards of 65-70hrs a week and I find little time for basic things in life much less therapy.

I am sick, shell shocked whatever. i spent the last 4 years of my life learning to do nothing but kill people, yeah yeah first aid, land nav but all thats to help me kill more people....

Uncle sam made me into this emotionless machine, to kill and not feel bad or shame. Problem is converting back to civilian life is not so easy. I cant sleep without drinking, and when i do its only for about 5 hours, then I have nightmares, i awake with my heart pounding out of my chest and ANGRY for not real reason, and im not talking about a cry for attention ANGRY but, Im talking picking up the pistol and blasting thru walls, sometimes im not even fully awake yet. The local Va hospital is large Ralph Johnson down here in Charleston sc, but they just listen, i guess maybe its because their civvies their pretending to care and understand, all they do is prescribe me meds that have NO EFFECTs but side effects. They scheldule me to therphy that I have no time for, I guess if i was like some of the older members of this forum it would be okay to spend all day talking about how I got sea sick on a boat or whatever POG's story. I feel like Im at battle and its either fight the ptsd and lose my job or keep my job and keep the ptsd. Everytime I visit the VA i leave feeling way worst than i came, talking about things I did in iraq triggers something inside me so evil.. Im afraid of what i'll do. Something about my first kill.. watching him die slowly, gasping for air and finally dying and me looking into his eyes the whole time just wont leave my mind, at the time we thought it was funny, even kicked at him, but now everythings a reality and not funny AT ALL.

My Knees well, besides running 5k miles 4 times a week, road marching with heavy rucks, and patrolling 14hrs a day as a M249 SAW gunner, 6-800 rnds of ammo, Sappi plates and full kit.... kinda takes a toll, same for my back. Its bad because I can hear my knees grind when i bend them, they hurt when I stand too long,

Some how this is only 50% disabled? Like I said before its not about the money because theres nothing I can buy that'll make me even remotely happy again. Maybe my PTSD is different from the ones I've been reading about here. But for me I just wanna be alone, away from everything social, I don't mind nature, ya know birds trees etc.

Everybody I loved, im pushing away. My memory is failing, I cant remember names of Dr's, appointments.... I get lost in conversations, my mind just drifts. The Va is a joke, I'm 24 years old, no joy in life, no clubs, no interest in sex or girls, pushed all of my friends away. I want help but this PTSD has a way to pushing away help too, I seen alot of stuff and most of what I saw i'm really now just remembering because I blocked some of it out.

Sorry for the rant, I just don't know what else to do.........

Another thing working against me is I hate to complain, and cry to the VA. Talking about my stressors and triggers makes me very very upset, All me C&ps were quick and sloppy, my award letter described my right knee as my right knee and my left knee as my right knee?

[strykergrunt]

I called my local Vet center and setup an appointment. Its in a few days but to be honest I don't feel like its going to help. How would talking about what I've done and seen help? I've buried most of my deployment in the back of mind, and their going to want to dig it up so they can jot it down for their records. I've been thru this twice, once with the VA and again with my outside Dr. both times it caused my nighmares and anger to flare up. Its not fun waking up feeling like i'm in a firefight, kicking screaming, punching my walls. Nobody seems to understand this. To me its not worth it at all. I understand everyones concern for me, but I really have very little desire to even win, for what? I'll never be the same. I dont want to sit thru boring sessions with educated civillans telling me they understand. Understanding killing a man? The smell of burning flesh? Watching your buddy die? 30+ combantants lying on the ground in rigimorous? IED shockwaves? Dismembered kids? A sqd leader sniped (head shot) inches away from you???

Noooooooooo...... Maybe the systems to saturated with people faking this disorder or maybe I have something totally different, but in my honest opinion, I'm already past the point of no return.. I'd likely snap on the person interviewing me at the vet center, my "defense mechisism" as its called.

My anger for the "system" and for the Va is way worst than what I EVER felt for any Insurgent, that should tell you something.........

[strykergrunt]

I'm done complaining, thanks all for your help. I understand now.... I really do.

[carlie]

I called my local Vet center and setup an appointment. Its in a few days but to be honest I don't feel like its going to help.

How would talking about what I've done and seen help? I've buried most of my deployment in the back of mind, and their going

to want to dig it up so they can jot it down for their records. I've been thru this twice, once with the VA and again with my outside Dr.

both times it caused my nighmares and anger to flare up.

stryker,

Chance are that you won't be discussing any of this at the appointment and they won't be jotting

anything down while you are there. The first appointment is usually for a meet and greet and a little assessment

that you won't even realize is going on. They will probably ask what branch and years you were AD, where you were stationed,

what your living arrangements are like now, live alone, spouse, kids, house, apartment, if you have any support system,etc...

How is your anger level, what type of problems you feel you are having and how this effects your daily life.

It will be time to schedule maybe your next 1 - 2 or 3 appointments. The hour will be up and you will be on your way.

I will say though that I do know of a couple of vets who went to their very first vet center appointment - went into the

therapist office and instantly felt comfortable enough that they just busted out into tears and that was the whole session.

The vet center is nothing like going to the VAMC.

Its not fun waking up feeling like i'm in a firefight, kicking screaming, punching my walls. Nobody seems to understand this. To me its not worth it at all. I understand everyones concern for me, but I really have very little desire to even win, for what? I'll never be the same. I dont want to sit thru boring sessions with educated civillans telling me they understand. Understanding killing a man? The smell of burning flesh? Watching your buddy die? 30+ combantants lying on the ground in rigimorous? IED shockwaves? Dismembered kids? A sqd leader sniped (head shot) inches away from you???

stryker,

Therapy is all about helping find ways - specific to you on how to deal and cope with the problems that are effecting you.

Healthy ways to deal with anger - frustration - pain - people - feelings, etc, it's not going to be touchy feelie crap.

Therapy got me to stop walking alley ways alone at 3 am looking for someone to screw with me so I could justify

shooting them or smashing them with my baseball bat.

Therapy got me to stop going to a hotel at 3 am and laying down under a car with out of town plates - in hopes

they'd get up and go to breakfast and run over me.

Therapy got me to see that I'm not a piece of crap that doesn't deserve anything and realize there some things out of life, that I do want.

Therapy got me to see that I can be in a relationship without having to scream out my needs in anger and just keep

doing things to push people that love me - further away from me.

Noooooooooo...... Maybe the systems to saturated with people faking this disorder or maybe I have something totally different, but in my honest opinion, I'm already past the point of no return.. I'd likely snap on the person interviewing me at the vet center, my "defense mechisism" as its called.

My anger for the "system" and for the Va is way worst than what I EVER felt for any Insurgent, that should tell you something.........

stryker,

It's not our place to judge other vets and their disabilities.

All people handle and react to situations differently for a multitude of reasons.

PTSD has no barriers and there are many things that can be the root cause of PTSD.

Some vets may have flamed a village to the ground and have no PTSD.

Some vets may have been in a vehicular accident and have tremendous PTSD.

It's an individual thing.

[Pete53]

Getting better takes some willingness to participate and at least give the treatment a fair chance.

[strykergrunt]

Thanks alot what you all said is very true, i apologize for my negative outlook and what i'm doing even now is pushing away help. I will give the vet center a try. And continue on my zoloft which only makes me sleepy ALL the time.

Thanks again for all your support.

Getting better takes some willingness to participate and at least give the treatment a fair chance.

[Pete53]

Stryker:

Best of luck to you and best wishes for your success in treatment, I think that you will find the Vet Center much more Vet friendly than the VA.