ptsd Gathering Of Evidence Development Letter

[shannan]

Hi everyone,

I am new to this forum. I've been looking through some of your forum for the past couple of months, but this is my first post (so i hope I'm posting in the correct thread).

I submitted my FDC in January of this year. I just recently received news that I am in the Gathering of Evidence phase. Please do not judge me for what i about to say. I know many of you served honorably and i only wish that that could have been my case (it haunts me every moment of everyday). I was raped in my Advanced Training Unit and did attempt to exorcise every effort to obtain a discharge to get away from my attacker. My chain of command kept "losing" my discharge paperwork and I was forced to remain around my attacker. I am not pleased to admit it, but after a failed suicide attempt, I decided in my naive 18 year old mind that my last resort was to go AWOL. I turned myself in and was given an OTH.

So to my point, I recieved a letter stating that they do not ordinarily grant disability benefits unless it is found that i did serve honorably, although i have severe PTSD, Major Depression, and Dythsmia due to MST (all diagnosed by the VA). The letter is also asking me for all evidence i may have and my statement. They also claim they have no knowledge of me having a representative. They are going to put my claim on hold for 60 days to wait for me to send the evidence.

My Amvets representative submitted all of my statements and evidence when he filed my ebenefits claim in January. He also made it clear on official letterhead that he was representing me on this claim. Also, when he submitted the claim, he certified that this is ALL the evidence that I had to submit. Have any of you ever recieved a similar letter? If so, how did you adress it? I dont want to re-send the evidence for fear they will knock me into a regular claim. Any help is greatly appreciated. Thank you.

[shannan]

Andy, ugh I hate that anxiety feeling youre talking about. Thats why i didnt get a chance to answer you. Panic attacks, anxiety and severe depression. The board was at a stand off for my upgrade. Half wanted to approve it and half didnt. I was not in a good mental place to reply. Try all your techniques: gardening, warm relaxing bath, meditate,etc. Its a rough ride, i know. But it will be worth it all in the end. It is our duty to stand for ourselves and others for what is right. And thank you for the congratulations, it was an odd feeling when i was told i got it. I thought i would be pure excited and happy. I was all that, but also shocked, sad that it took this long, I had flashbacks (hopefully processing this garbage for the last time). All in all, it was a wide range of emotions all at once and strangely bitter sweet. Perhaps today i will actually go get my veterans card and see what its like on the good side of the VA system. No more having to explain to the person at the desk why im trying to make an appointment and why im legally eligible. Now im simply eligible, no questions asked. :)

[Andyman73]

Shannon,

I don't know how long you've been knocking on that door, before finally getting someone to answer. Me....it started late summer of '98. And I know some on here have been screaming for anyone to notice, twice as many years as I have. I don't even know how to express the way I feel. I know that finally I am going to get help, yet somehow that seems even scarier than the alternative. It's giving me nightmares already, and it's only been a few days since I had my appointment scheduled. I have such a very hard time accepting anything good for me, or even believing that I deserve thanks for anything I've done. It blows my mind when ever anyone tells me they appreciate me, I don't know why they would.

[shannan]

Andy, its been 11 almost 12 years for me. Thats a really good way of putting it. I think for those of us with PTSD, the fear of the unknown and all of its variable factors are what gets to us the most. For instance,any regular Joe can walk into a restaurant and expect to have a good time and eat and leave...No big deal. But when we enter a restaurant (not speaking for all of us, just myself and many people i know), we expect the unexpected. We expect for someone to assault our wife and know that we will have to fight for them. We expect for the place to be held up in a strong armed robbery, etc, etc, etc...We even go so far as to pick a strategic seat closest to the exit with our backs to the wall and view of the entire dining room so we can monitor EVERYTHING that is going on, so when $@#! hits the fan, we can get ourselves and our loved ones out of danger as quickly as possible. But all in all, we did just get served dinner and the evening went by without incident. The only difference between us and everyone else is that we didnt enjoy our time because we were constantly on edge waiting for Armegeddon to happen because we just knew it would. I think the hardest part about PTSD is recognizing and ignoring the irrational fears it produces. Your appointment is going to go well. They will give you the tools to help make things better. You have made it this far without any help, now it will be even better with a helping caring hand. Hope this helps alittle

[Navy4life]

Well said Shannan;

For me my PTSD/MST I have constant bad memories going back to my assault. I have difficulty going places by myself and I fear I am going to be attacked again. The PTSD has taken over me as well as my boyfriend who suffers from PTSD from combat.

PTSD is evil and I hate it but I have to try and get better. Will I ever? Probably not...We will suffer with it for the rest of our lives. Getting help gives us some solitude but not much....

[shannan]

Yes Navy4life, it takes the edge off of it. :)

[Andyman73]

Shannon and Navy4life,

I always take a seat with my back to an outside wall with a view of the entry ways and dining area. I hate going to any kind of social events that involve anyone outside my family. I can tolerate my inlaws, cuz I've known them since before I left AD. But I do not fit in. I am the only one of my generation, of her family, that served. One of her cousins husband is a retired Fibby(FBI). And he's also an outsider like me. Only 2 of her cousins actually acknowledge me.

I tolerate other public assemblies on a base by base case. Church is ok, but we have armed contract security in the building. Most folks don't know they're armed, but I was one of their volunteers for awhile. But school events....they really push me to the limit of my tolerance. I manage out of fear of my kids peers ever seeing me acting strange, and then causing them issues.

I think that's what is causing my "head fires", keeping it bottled up for too many years. To think, it's been 21.5 years since my suicide attempt. 21.5 years of no help or treatment of any kind.