packrat

I am happy for you John. You at least seem to have a handle of what is going on inside your mind. Your post strikes very close to home as I told someone the other day I thought I was going insane because of the fight going on inside my mind. Part of me wants to quit but part of me says "no it wil hurt". How can you add to the hurt if you want the hurt to stop? For years and years people around me at work and home have seen me leave. Go some place else mentally yet the body remains in place. They always know when it happens as I do the same thing each and every time. I always tell them I was in deep thought yet I have no memory of where I was. I stare into nothing and I see nothing. Now as I write what happens to me I am coming full circle to " I must be insane". I had a spell a few months ago where something happened to me that put me back where I was 42 years ago. I was standing and when it hit I can only describe it as the same sensation you feel when you dream your are falling and wake out of a sound sleep before you hit. If your not asleep how can you wake up?. The last thing I remember was a blackness and a buzzing sensation and I wanted to scream yet I could not. I woke up on the ground. How can these types of thing not make us feel insane. I have reached A point in my life where I not only want to talk about these things I want to scream them. I want to give these thoughts to someone else so I can have some peace. It sounds like you may understand what I am saying John.

I can't help you with the VA part as I have yet to run the gauntlet. A little short term help my come from one of your local veterans service organizations.Your husband was USMC so look for a Marine Corps League Detachment in your area. Most veterans service organizations try to help even if it is only a little. It's not considered a hand out but something earned. Marine corps league has a Natioal web site and most states have state sites. You from there can usually get the name and number of the commandant in your area if there is one. The help my not be a lot, but if available accept it and remember, even though it is not required,you can always pay if forward when your situation improves. Most locals have a VFW, American legion, or DAV. I hope someone here can help you with your VA issue.

Larry are you saying a human can not a go through a physiological shock and a psychological shock or reaction as you call at the same time?

Show me some Vets that even knew about PTSD during the Vietnam war. Most of the current vets are more educated about PTSD because of so many issues with the Vietnam vets. Most of the vets that lost a limb that I had to med evac were in shock. The fact that they went into shock was a self preservation mode to protect their sanity was it not? I have seen a soldier stare at a arm that was not there trying to figure out why it would not move.How could you go into shock to protect your sanity and not have a stressor? The act of going into shock itself says "I can't handle it". This is the very reason so many Vietnam vets do not seek help. We feel ashamed to seek help for what we see as minor when people like Commander Bob gave so much. I mean lets use some common sense. Having your leg blow off is getting shot at and I would think losing a leg pretty much covers "in fear for his life". Where do they find these people?

Good for you. Keep the faith . I keep reading the deffinition of a stressor and even though it is in black and white, it really drives me batty. "Fear for your life or the life of others." I mean have a heart. How about a "reasonable person clause". " exposure to extreme war time sights,sounds or smells that would cause any reasonable person extreme emotional distress. I believe we are just touching the tip of the iceburg with the Vietnam vets when they come out of the woodwork in their mid 60's. I, myself will be able to provide the VA with a government document with statements like "heavily engaged with a hostile force and undaunted by the intensity of hostile fire and remained in his dangerously exposed position to ensure". I was shot at many times and we had rockets and mortors droped on us many a time. I lost close,close friends that were 50 yards away and poof, then they were gone. I have only been exposed this stressor requirement thing for a couple of weeks. Up until then if some one said "stressor" I wouldn't have known what they were talking about. First hand experience folks. There are things far more unbearable to some then getting shot at or coming close to death. Now if the folks that wrote the requirements don't think so maybe they need to put in a year in a front line position. Now it may only be me but I don't think so. I would rather be shot at then have had to handle some of those poor souls that didn't make it. Those are the ghost that will haunt me until the day I die. I believe you can train a 20 year old to handle a confrontain that can result in their death. I am not sure you can train a 20 year old to handle the sights of what war can do to a human being. Any war vet should be able to use as a stressor the sights and smells of death without fear for their own life or the life of others. How about the life that was already lost. The dessecration of what was once a human being. The unrecognizable remains of someone husband,son, father or brother. At least to me the origional stressor regulations should have always covered this without the provision of fear for your own life or the life of others. The sights of the pure horrors of war it self is enough to drive some to the very edge. Even though I can sit with a shrink and prove "fear for my life" I know what I see, asleep and awake. They should not have made it this hard for some of those who sought help in the past. I am new here and I am not sure venting like this is allowed. These are my thoughts and if it is not allowed or too extreme, I understand if you take it down. I have not seen my first shrink and the VA informs me of a problem. The shrink my be the least of my problems. Take care of each other people. You are vets 365 days of the year not just on Nov 11th. Semper Fi

5'9" except for our height, we must have looked like twins. Don't know about you but at that weight you should have included your eyes. I know mine were huge in every pic of me.

What were you eating to make 140? I clocked in at 124.

Thank you so much. I realized just today that I leave. When I say I leave I mean I go some place else even if I am in the middle of something. The folks around me know I have done this as I play with my mustsche while I am gone. I am in such deep thought I call it my wheels are turning. I always explain it as I was trying to solve a problem or come up with a solution. Only now I realize I am not so sure I am thinking about anything.I can be right in the middle of something a meeting,a conversation any thing. I know that can't make sense. How can you be in such deep thought that you are not concious of what is going on around you and not remember the thoughts? Now I am rambling again.

It's going to be a bad day. As Nov 30 my first VA visit gets closer I find myself wondering if I am doing the right thing. The more I think about it the more I worry. I feel like I am going to jump out of my skin today. Went off on the wife, she bailed to get some distance. Can't blame her. I read some of the post and try to self analyze. I see where a lot of folks have trouble falling asleep I don't. so I say I don't have that sympton. I am usually so mentally exhaused I fall right to sleep. My problem is after I fall asleep the wheels turn so hard I wake up and lay there for hours thinking about all this crap. It has been like this for years and now the thought of the VA is making it worse. Anyone understand or am I rambling? Can they keep me there against my will? I just want some peace in my life. Seems like when I type my thoughts here it is some relief. Trying not to make this a sounding board but I have no one else I will share this with. Does anything I say make sense?

' I used to cry as I had no shoes, til I met a man that had no feet." So sad people. I have issues I need adressed but I talked yesterday to a viet Nam vet I have not seen in over 40 years. We were stationed together and I made up my mind I was going to find him and a few others like him. Spent hours on the net doing searches and finally found a phone number. Called and got his wife. Told her the situation and asked if I had the right person. It was the right person and she put him on. I did not know he had PTSD. He sounded like a 90 year old man. It about broke my heart as I led him through a conversation. He did remember me and some of the others in our detachment. I remember him as a young spit fire, just full of it with a super sense oh humor. I now feel guilty. This is one of the things that kept so many Vietnam vets away from the VA. Most of us knew others we were with that hurt so much more. No matter how bad you have it always remember there is a good chance a vet some where may be a little worse off. I hope making contact did some good and no damage. It seemed to lift his spirits a little. He does not go on the computer but asked me to send him my phone number. I will let him make the next contact if he feels up to it. Breaks my heart to see what has happened to some of these fine men. Next week is Thanksgiving. Even though some of us have issues, lets be thankful for what we have left. For some,it's not much.

Most Vets when they were in country did not even know about AO. While refueling hot in Quang tri air base 68 they sprayed right next to the fuel pits while we were talking on fuel, Wind carried it and I got a good whif. Smelled like diesel or kero. I really thought it was for bugs. I am not so sure that is so.

Amazing the things you learn here. Not only did I purchase my own aids but I have been purchasing my own glasses for 25 years. Pride and trust have a real cost.

They both come out of the same location. I still have the envelopes mine came in. If you requested medical also you should get them. I requested my records but did not specify medical also. I requested my medical at a later date. We were in country at the same time. I am just starting the process myself. I did take multiple hearing test over the years in my 30's and 40's at my place of work. I was always told my hearing was real bad and should see a Dr. The Company is closed now but I know the past personel director and she will remember my test as I was plant manager and they would kid me about it. I will asked her to send me a notorized letter and it may help me. Hadn't heard a bird chirp or a door hinge squeak for over 30 years until I got my aids. Did you know there is actually a tinkling sound when you take a leak? I spent over $4,000 on the hearing aids I have now and they are no longer sufficient. It's time for the eagle to crap as I am no longer willing to pay for the damage they have cost. Good luck and keep in touch.

If you have not sent off for copies of your service medical records you should do so. I did not remember my seperation phy. that I took in 69. My hearing has been terrible for years. My records showed 45-50 in the 4,000 and 6'000 db range in both ears. This is a moderate close to severe loss. At 22 I should not of had this type of damage as I joined the Marines fresh out of high school. I was not aware that you had to make a seperate request for you medical records until my son told me. Semper Fi