ptsd Appealing Ptsd, Back And Knees?

[strykergrunt]

I recently received my award lettered granting me, 30%PTSD, 10% for back and both knees, a total of 50% disabled.

From what I understand this system is not necessary based of how disabled you are but how persistent you are and knowledgeable about the process.

In my case I was a former Infantryman and served in Iraq for 15 months, pretty hostile places I might add, Huge 8 hour conflict in Najaf (quoted largest firefight since the invasion of Iraq), my unit/platoon were among the first soldiers to patrol and conduct missons in Sadr City... blah blah..

My PTSD to me seems severe to the point I find happiness in NOTHING. Money, love, family, life or anything. So the process of appealing doesn't appeal. What I do want is help. I work 12 hour days for upwards of 65-70hrs a week and I find little time for basic things in life much less therapy.

I am sick, shell shocked whatever. i spent the last 4 years of my life learning to do nothing but kill people, yeah yeah first aid, land nav but all thats to help me kill more people....

Uncle sam made me into this emotionless machine, to kill and not feel bad or shame. Problem is converting back to civilian life is not so easy. I cant sleep without drinking, and when i do its only for about 5 hours, then I have nightmares, i awake with my heart pounding out of my chest and ANGRY for not real reason, and im not talking about a cry for attention ANGRY but, Im talking picking up the pistol and blasting thru walls, sometimes im not even fully awake yet. The local Va hospital is large Ralph Johnson down here in Charleston sc, but they just listen, i guess maybe its because their civvies their pretending to care and understand, all they do is prescribe me meds that have NO EFFECTs but side effects. They scheldule me to therphy that I have no time for, I guess if i was like some of the older members of this forum it would be okay to spend all day talking about how I got sea sick on a boat or whatever POG's story. I feel like Im at battle and its either fight the ptsd and lose my job or keep my job and keep the ptsd. Everytime I visit the VA i leave feeling way worst than i came, talking about things I did in iraq triggers something inside me so evil.. Im afraid of what i'll do. Something about my first kill.. watching him die slowly, gasping for air and finally dying and me looking into his eyes the whole time just wont leave my mind, at the time we thought it was funny, even kicked at him, but now everythings a reality and not funny AT ALL.

My Knees well, besides running 5k miles 4 times a week, road marching with heavy rucks, and patrolling 14hrs a day as a M249 SAW gunner, 6-800 rnds of ammo, Sappi plates and full kit.... kinda takes a toll, same for my back. Its bad because I can hear my knees grind when i bend them, they hurt when I stand too long,

Some how this is only 50% disabled? Like I said before its not about the money because theres nothing I can buy that'll make me even remotely happy again. Maybe my PTSD is different from the ones I've been reading about here. But for me I just wanna be alone, away from everything social, I don't mind nature, ya know birds trees etc.

Everybody I loved, im pushing away. My memory is failing, I cant remember names of Dr's, appointments.... I get lost in conversations, my mind just drifts. The Va is a joke, I'm 24 years old, no joy in life, no clubs, no interest in sex or girls, pushed all of my friends away. I want help but this PTSD has a way to pushing away help too, I seen alot of stuff and most of what I saw i'm really now just remembering because I blocked some of it out.

Sorry for the rant, I just don't know what else to do.........

Another thing working against me is I hate to complain, and cry to the VA. Talking about my stressors and triggers makes me very very upset, All me C&ps were quick and sloppy, my award letter described my right knee as my right knee and my left knee as my right knee?

[strykergrunt]

Thanks everybody,

I recently received my award lettered granting me, 30%PTSD, 10% for back and both knees, a total of 50% disabled.

From what I understand this system is not necessary based of how disabled you are but how persistent you are and knowledgeable about the process.

In my case I was a former Infantryman and served in Iraq for 15 months, pretty hostile places I might add, Huge 8 hour conflict in Najaf (quoted largest firefight since the invasion of Iraq), my unit/platoon were among the first soldiers to patrol and conduct missons in Sadr City... blah blah..

My PTSD to me seems severe to the point I find happiness in NOTHING. Money, love, family, life or anything. So the process of appealing doesn't appeal. What I do want is help. I work 12 hour days for upwards of 65-70hrs a week and I find little time for basic things in life much less therapy.

I am sick, shell shocked whatever. i spent the last 4 years of my life learning to do nothing but kill people, yeah yeah first aid, land nav but all thats to help me kill more people....

Uncle sam made me into this emotionless machine, to kill and not feel bad or shame. Problem is converting back to civilian life is not so easy. I cant sleep without drinking, and when i do its only for about 5 hours, then I have nightmares, i awake with my heart pounding out of my chest and ANGRY for not real reason, and im not talking about a cry for attention ANGRY but, Im talking picking up the pistol and blasting thru walls, sometimes im not even fully awake yet. The local Va hospital is large Ralph Johnson down here in Charleston sc, but they just listen, i guess maybe its because their civvies their pretending to care and understand, all they do is prescribe me meds that have NO EFFECTs but side effects. They scheldule me to therphy that I have no time for, I guess if i was like some of the older members of this forum it would be okay to spend all day talking about how I got sea sick on a boat or whatever POG's story. I feel like Im at battle and its either fight the ptsd and lose my job or keep my job and keep the ptsd. Everytime I visit the VA i leave feeling way worst than i came, talking about things I did in iraq triggers something inside me so evil.. Im afraid of what i'll do. Something about my first kill.. watching him die slowly, gasping for air and finally dying and me looking into his eyes the whole time just wont leave my mind, at the time we thought it was funny, even kicked at him, but now everythings a reality and not funny AT ALL.

My Knees well, besides running 5k miles 4 times a week, road marching with heavy rucks, and patrolling 14hrs a day as a M249 SAW gunner, 6-800 rnds of ammo, Sappi plates and full kit.... kinda takes a toll, same for my back. Its bad because I can hear my knees grind when i bend them, they hurt when I stand too long,

Some how this is only 50% disabled? Like I said before its not about the money because theres nothing I can buy that'll make me even remotely happy again. Maybe my PTSD is different from the ones I've been reading about here. But for me I just wanna be alone, away from everything social, I don't mind nature, ya know birds trees etc.

Everybody I loved, im pushing away. My memory is failing, I cant remember names of Dr's, appointments.... I get lost in conversations, my mind just drifts. The Va is a joke, I'm 24 years old, no joy in life, no clubs, no interest in sex or girls, pushed all of my friends away. I want help but this PTSD has a way to pushing away help too, I seen alot of stuff and most of what I saw i'm really now just remembering because I blocked some of it out.

Sorry for the rant, I just don't know what else to do.........

Another thing working against me is I hate to complain, and cry to the VA. Talking about my stressors and triggers makes me very very upset, All me C&ps were quick and sloppy, my award letter described my right knee as my right knee and my left knee as my right knee?

[Hoppy]

STRYKERGRUNT

I have a brother who went through everything you are going through when he came back from Viet Nam. He went to PTSD group for many years. He had a psychologist he really liked. You are already service connected. This administartaive battle is behind you.

My brother and I talked at great length over the years about things that have helped him. You need to find a clinician who you can relate to. They do exist. Recreation Is very central to keeping your condition from getting worse. Take up fishing if you want to put distance between you and other people. When you feel comfortable with other people join a bowling, basketball or baseball league. Join a bridge club. Do something!! recreation is very important. Exercise is good. Full court basketball is really good exercise. If you start throwing elbows at the other players then it is time to play another game. Do not engage in things that make you angry. Anger control is very important. Golf may be difficult. I play golf with a PTSD vet and I am not sure what to think of him. Golf can cause much more anger than fishing.

Keep talking to the docs and like john said hospitalization may be a benefit. My brother was hospitalized several times. Unfortunately he was at rock bottom when he entered the hospital. Try to keep from getting really low.

Try to find a PTSD group with other service connected veterans. The Vet centers in my city work only with combat veterans. They refer non combat vets to the VAMC.

[strykergrunt]

Thanks all but for me its hard to find time to arrange the meetings, but i guess i will have to try harder. i can feel my will to fight slowly deminishing and the people i thought had my back (va) are just trying to save money and save themselves money.. they gabe me my back pay and monthly payments but neber mentioned a plan for recovery, and as of lately im having trouble focusing and remembering dr's and appointments.

[Hoppy]

Keep talking to the doctors. The VA has performed major surgery on me without killing me. I have a lifethreatening disease that has put me in the emergency room with IV's and monitors all plugged in. I had to go to VA emergency rooms because I did not have the money to pay for treatment. The VA saved my life atleast 20 times. There are people there who are interested in your wellbeing..

With me it was the other way around. The medical treatment was better than the treatment I got when I filed a claim for disability. They would not even schedule C&P exams. It took me 8.5 years to get my first check. My claim never got out of the RO it was granted without even going to the BVA. The case was so strong I did not even have a C&P exam. They used every trick in the book to delay paying me compensation for a medical condition. They drove me crazy. I had to start seeing shrinks to deal with the problems the adjudicators were causing me. They kept sending me denials that made absolutely no sense. The shrinks were very supportive. I am helping another veteran who ran into some shrinks that were absolute idiots. When this happens you need ask for another doctor,

[Tbird]

you must get some help for your ptsd, no if's and or but's. ptsd is very serious, it is dangerous for you and others you encounter. imho you need a psychiatrist and a psychologist and perhaps group, it becomes all about management, managing your symptoms, triggers and medication. do not wait, do not pass go, get help now, i prefer the veterans center, it's a whole different world there. to find a veterans center near you go here http://www2.va.gov/directory/guide/vetcenter_flsh.asp

brother, it doesn't matter one bit if you have time to deal with this ptsd monster, if you don't get all the proper treatment, it will eventually eat away at you, so you will have nothing but time. getting help as soon as you can is the best and most effective way to deal with ptsd. drinking is bad. you might want to try and get into an aa group for that. it is going to make the ptsd worse and your hair trigger just that much closer to being pulled. don't do this to yourself,

here is a site that well help you better understand ptsd http://www.ptsdforum.org/content/1-home?

from that site there is an article that really helped me understand and explain it better to others http://www.ptsdforum.org/content/130-The-PTSD-Cup-Explanation

i hope this helps. remember you are not alone in anything you feel.

[carlie]

For clarification, Vet Centers do provide full services to Non-Combat vets

and their families, for other certain and specific situations, as listed under their

"eligibility" requirements.

Also, if a vet does not totally meet the eligibility requirements, I have found

in Florida (at least) they do not mind jumping through hoops to help get

the veteran most services needed.

jmho.