There Is A Light At The End Of The Tunnel

[82airborne]

Well my caim is just about finished. Now I can work on physical therapy and mental health. I promise I had no hope in the system but in the end the system proved me wrong. I'm on a long journey to undo over two decades of pure violence. My goal is to become a loving member of society. I still plan to stay in the house. I'm not ready to try to be the social butterfly. THANX again for allowing me to be here in my next level of life. THANX and may GOD bless!

[82airborne]

82nd,

Your right - not for here - for therapy or elsewhere.

Have you considered or discussed journaling with your therapist / MH provider ?

Thanks

No we haven't discussed it but. I write MUSICK as a outlet. It helps.

[free_spirit_etc]

MUSICK -- That sounds interesting.

Sounds like something my son would like (and would play loudly...).

[82airborne]

MUSICK -- That sounds interesting.

Sounds like something my son would like (and would play loudly...).

:-)

[82airborne]

WELL I'm back. I have been a good boy. HAPPY VETERANS DAY SOLDIERS. Well next Thursday I have completed a 16 week non combat PTSD group counseling. I learned some things from some of the other soldiers. What I learned I kinda already knew about thinking I'm rough and tough but actually I'm broken down. I can't beat everybody up. Well truthly I have been staying pretty much isolated. I only go to doctor and psych appointments. When I am around people I still have thoughts that I should not have. I went into a store with my girl and I was pretty much started having a panic attack are whatever you call it. It was just to much noise and movement it was overwhelming. We had to cut our visit short at the store. I bought a tattoo gun I began tattooing myself. I have cravings for pain so now I just draw on myself. I love the pain I give myself. It takes away my bad thoughts. I've started physical therapy. Monday and Wednesday. So this is where I'm at now. I'm trying to fix my credit so I can move to suburbia. I really don't want no problems. I need to be in a place where it's not that many people. I don't know if my medicine is actually working or not. My relationship with my family has gotten better. So for know I will stay in isolation. It almost look like this will be a permanent situation. To tell y'all the truth I been in this house for over 4-5 years. I kind of like being alone just family. I tried a couple months ago to mingle with my old friends and it went terribly bad. It made me realize. Either stay in the house or be licked in jail the rest of my life. I chose freedom. I will never fight another person again. My goal is just to stay to myself and hang with the people I been Knowing for a decade or more. Ok last of all the people in my group counseling my mind have convinced me that they all are agents the reason I think this is because when I'm going to appointments at veterans affairs. I see most if them working at the va. So truthly I can not honestly say I trust the people in my group. I could be paranoid I don't know but my suspicions have led me to really Not participate in the group I sit in my chair with my legs shaking watching every last person in the group. Yes I have violent thoughts while I'm in the group. So I just don't look at nobody and I hurry up and leave when the group is finished. I guess after years of isolation it would be hard to trust and be around people. Most days I feel light head and dizzy. Just out of it most of the time. So I just don't know where my future will take me. I just hope I can fix my credit and move and buy a house away from the world. I will build my labaratory so I can study and do crafts inside my house. I also went to church. I had to leave my mind wouldn't let me stay. So I left. THANX for having me.

[82airborne]

Well I finished my 16 week group therapy in non combat PTSD. I still feel like a lost sheep. They say they have a graduation program. Where the people who went to the non combat group counseling meet up every Thursday. I think I'm done with group counseling. All I could think about all those weeks was violent thoughts that made me laugh. I just don't understand how my psychs will be able to change my thoughts from the way they are. Ok far as the Prozac. The only way it seems to help me is when I be around a lot of people I start seeing violent pictures of the people around me. The Prozac seem to have slowed those images down. Prazosin have took away my nightmares for a while. Now they are coming back I can't remember what my dreams are are about but I feel myself going crazy in the bed at night. My hands are still shaky and jittery. I still feel nauseous and light headed short of breath daily. Also at times I feel undercover agents is following me. It seems like EVERYTIME I'm driving it's somebody with dark shades behind me. I could just be paranoid I don't know. I'm still waiting on tdiu or permanent disability decision. Deep inside I still feel like a madman. I still have paranoid thoughts of the va trying to kill me. I only hope that Im wrong. But I don't fear death. At times I welcome it. I have come to the realization that I will be better of isolated from the world. Well since my 16 week therapy is finished I will close this thread and start a new thread on this next chapter of my life. THANX again for having me and I do apologize if sometimes I'm to graphic with my stories. MAY GOD BLESS ALL!!!!!

[carlie]

They say they have a graduation program.

Where the people who went to the non combat group counseling meet up every Thursday.

I think I'm done with group counseling.

STAY in treatment on a regular basis.

JMHO