ptsd I'm Not Worthy

[coastie72]

I turned 64 a few weeks ago, after over 40 years I finally gave in and asked for help with my hearing loss and tinnitus. I was awarded 10% SC for tinnitus and 0% for hearing.

I always had both conditions since leaving the USCG in 1972. Neither was as bad as it is now, especially the tinnitus which is really bad.

I always felt I was undeserving when I look around at what other vets have gone through.

A few weeks ago I contacted the vet crisis line and just unloading all that was pent up inside of me. I had mentioned how depressing and aggravating the tinnitus was to my DAV VSO. I also mentioned thoughts of suicide and recurring nightmares. At that time he suggested we do a claim secondary to tinnitus for depression. My personal Dr. gave me a nexus. My VSO didn't realize like most people how messed up I really am so that was the way we were going.

I spent over two hours chatting and on the phone with the Crisis Line people on Oct. 11th. The lady was very nice and after answering a zillion questions and insuring me I could get help she said that my dreams that also just pop up during the daytime hours are stressors and that I most likely have PTSD along with other issues. My talk with her that day made me feel better and she very well might have saved my life.

She gave me a list of phone numbers to call including the local Vet Center. Today I needed to talk to someone again, so I called the vet center. I spoke with another nice lady that listened to my story and she too said, likely PTSD..........I did not every know until a few months ago that you could have PTSD without combat.

So as we spoke and she calmed me down, I asked her if they had after hours counseling or groups ET. She said yes we do, but ONLY for combat veterans..... That took me back to square one for this day.

I see the VA MH next week, and then I go from there..........I'm beginning to believe what I always thought.... I am not worthy!!!!! I wish I had never started this process! God Help me!

[carlie]

During my 4 years of active duty in the Coast Guard I was involved in probably a hundred or so SAR calls, (Search And Rescue). Most of them were not stressful with no lost of life. There were numerous exceptions where I fought fire, recovered bodies, performed first aid ET. Although there were quite a few others with death involved, my recurrent dreams are only about 3 specific missions. For whatever reasons I started having dreams about them sometime after the panic attacks started. I was ashamed to tell anyone about them including my wife until recent years when I have told a handful of people.

This is something I would definitely be discussing with the VA mental health peeps.

Do not EVER feel . . . ashamed.

[coastie72]

Not understanding the whole process is somewhat annoying to me. The Psyc Dr. I talked to did not ask much about my recurrent dreams, no details ET. When if ever does that happen? At a C&P which is probably months at least away.

Carlie, I loved my time in the USCG, but I am ashamed that These things have haunted me. Over all I've tried to be a strong man, maybe for too long to change me. Keeping things inside has taken a toll on me for certain. I sometimes pray to God that He take me while I sleep.

[carlie]

Not understanding the whole process is somewhat annoying to me. The Psyc Dr. I talked to did not ask much about my recurrent dreams, no details ET. When if ever does that happen? At a C&P which is probably months at least away.

Carlie, I loved my time in the USCG, but I am ashamed that These things have haunted me. Over all I've tried to be a strong man, maybe for too long to change me. Keeping things inside has taken a toll on me for certain. I sometimes pray to God that He take me while I sleep.

It might be up to you to bring theses issues up.

Your just getting started in some therapy and treatment - it's kind of like starting kindergarten,

little steps at a time, one foot in front of the other -

In therapy you learn skills and tools to help you act and react differently to stressful things / situation /

thoughts and feelings.

You can pray to God to take you all you want - but believe me I'm sure others still want you around,

therapy helps with this also.

There is no need or reason to keep beating yourself up - you do not deserve to treat yourself that way,

you deserve to have joy and a life worth living.

[coastie72]

Thank you Carlie I pray now that you are right.

[knap-sack]

Coastie I care about you as others do. My prayers are with you. I used to think I had to do everything on my own. I now know I need God and help from others. This is very hard to ask for help but you are on the road of a better life. You do have a future and look right here and you can see people want to help you so don't have to do it by yourself. Give your wife a hug and tell her you love her it will get better.

[philusmc]

don't give up -- you are worthy -- you're a patriot and that says everything. don't let anyone tell you differently. I agree with some of the previous advice, get into a good vet-to-vet group, they have always helped me maintain. semper fi